IM BACK....

Trying, I hope we can lend some support. We have had a lot of gaming partners here lately. It seems to be a growing trend. People know all about the problems that alcohol, drugs, and infidelity have on a marriage. Maybe one of these days our society will figure out that gaming has the same effect as drugs and alcohol and also some degree of infidelity since everything to the game becomes second. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry for you but think you are doing what's best.

Your story brings tears to my eyes. I am so sorry that you have to go through this, but please know that you are not alone. We are here to help and support you in whatever way we can, even if it's just to vent. Blessings & Love, Solei

I'm sorry you're going through so much hurt right now. I hope that either he starts making better choices or the break is a clean one and you can move on. A note on the small number of replies...cries for help tend to get far more replies that status updates. I don't know what you meant this post to be...but it sounds more like an update to me. Also, while there are a lot of Anon members here, I think the majority of members are addicts. Addicts tend to feel like there's not much they can do to help anon members, and vice versa. So even though there are a lot of members here, there aren't nearly as many people who can sympathize well with you. Update posts that get more than 3 replies are pretty hot topics. Please don't feel slighted by the "lack" of replies...this is normal. Most people probably feel like they don't have much to add.

And a note of appreciation for the heartfelt replies u have had is always a good place to build on as well.

tryingtobreal wrote:

54 views and only 2 replys....cmon people I am in the the sane situation as you... lets support eachother.

Support is here, my friend... Perhaps people needed to take a moment or two to reflect on your post and weight their response. Perhaps people, like me, were humbled by your post and unsure how to reply. Perhaps people closed their eyes after reading your post and hurried off to do something in their world... but nonetheless were affected strongly by your situation. When I first visited and made my first post I receieved very few posts at first as well... What helped me tremendously was reading posts made by others. We are here for you, my friend. Blessings & Love, Solei

Hi, Trying, I hear you. Because I need to carefully monitor and ration my own computer useage, in order to prevent getting caught up in computer-addiction (been there!), my online time has shrunk drastically over the past year or more and that is used mainly to read, rarely post. Besides... what do I know? Been hooked myself, on both sides of this swamp... But I am sorry to know that you're in this predicament. It hurts. Can't give you advice, but in the hopes it'll help, I can share a bit of my own process. Two days ago, I gave my husband an ultimatum. Told him he must choose: get rid of his computer or our marriage. This was on our 5-year wedding anniversary. We're both in our 40's and both work full-time, with pretty much zero-relationship qualities left to which to cling. Roommates. Finally it dawned on me that for the past 2-3 years, as our anniversary would approach, my attitude would take a sharp turn down the tubes. This year, it was really bad! I mean, I was absolutely consumed with raw hatred for him. Being a Christian, I felt strongly how unacceptable this was... but for the first time, I didn't try to stuff it down. Instead, I picked up that emotion and examined it closely and decided to deal with it once and for all. Being unfamiliar with actually managing my own feelings, it was difficult to recognize just how very angry I'd become, but that's what it took. So I just told him simply and calmly - " I've had it; you make your choice. " Told him that I am willing to work at building a marriage relationship with him, but only if he gets rid of computer. Told him that, as far as I'm concerned, we currently have - nothing, so it'd be alot of work and effort to start from scratch. Hard work. He had little to say, but did tell me he chooses marriage. We'll see. So... all my talk to him for the past few years, trying not to nag, but letting him know how sad I was about his constant computering... well, talk is cheap. I am not an ultimatum-giver and I've always despised conflict, but sometimes that's just what it takes. Mostly, though, I think it's crucial to get to the point where you're able to detach from the consequences, so that you don't wind up enabling him again. That's what I tell myself.. and have practiced. Rather than blabber on and on, which would be easy today (my day off) I'll stop and just say - if you'd like to talk further, back and forth, I'll check in when I can and try to respond! Take good care of yourself. Free

The first thing when dealing with your addict, is that you should never be angry. Patience and good temper are most necessary. If he gets the idea that you are a nag, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero, so never tell him what he must do about his excessive gaming. He will use the nag thought as an excuse for more gaming. Be determined that your husband's gaming is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. They need your companionship and your help. It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to game in excess. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try. These suggestions may be difficult to follow or even comprehend, but you may save more heartache if you try to observe them. Your husband may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. Let him see that you want to be helpful rather than critical. When the discussion rises again, show him this website and have him read some of the stories. Show him you have confidence in his power to stop or moderate the game. Say that you only want him to take care of his health. It may take patient waiting, but your husband may become willing to approach this website on his own. At all measures, be sure to attempt the spiritual experience of the steps for yourself. I will keep you and your husband in my prayers.

I hope next year will be abetter anniversary for you both !!! :grouphug:

Hello, thank you for your post. You seem like such a sweet & hardworking person. I think you are doing the right thing. Im sure its very painful. As an addictive gamer, I was the one that neglected everything and everyone. I was very very detached.... What I needed was to be made aware of the consequences (not just told.) How foolish I was.. I have to agree with what others have said. You must take care of yourself and your kids. The addict needs to realize he needs help. I wish it were simpler, but it isnt. I have found this to be true in the various fellowships that I have attended. God bless you and stay strong for you and your children. Thank you again for your post, reading it helps me remember how stupid I was to play & how stupid it would be for me to play again.

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I am totally ready for him to move out, and as soon as I can conjur up the money-I will put a down payment on something for him..

I'm pretty sure that at the Al-Anon meeting some folks would ask you, "Honey, why do you have to put the down payment down for him?" Can't he just go shack up with a family member or in a shelter? I would think if anyone is going to use a down payment for a new place, it should be for you--as long as moving is what you think would be best for you and your children. I don't know, I'm just one person, but there is something in me that thinks he is a big boy, he can find his own place to live, and fast. Until then, he can sleep on the couch, and play his computer game in the bathroom. No sleeping in the marriage bed. Sorry, that's for "team members" only. Some other thoughts I have in case you might be headed toward a divorce--and not saying that you are, but I strongly advise you do the following if you think you might be headed for a divorce: -File for child support ASAP when he moves. Do it fast, fast, fast. In my state, once one member of a split up couple files for divorce, the state cannot get involved in making sure child support is paid until a divorce is settled. So you want to get them involved *first* before either of you calls a lawyer. I did not know this when my ex and I split up, and I went over 2 years with no child support. There was absolutely no legal recourse available to me, and I was never compensated for this. -Make sure you utilize the state garnishment option for child support. My ex repeatedly promised to pay and didn't. People do weird things during a divorce. -Document everything. Right now before he leaves, document everything. This way, if you end up divorcing, you have documented his *history* of addiction, which places you in a prime position to have more say in the custody agreement. I can't stress how important this is. -Make sure you get utilities in your name so he can't shut them off. It never occurred to me that my ex wouldn't transfer the utilities to me, since his daughter lives with me. Instead he had them *shut off*. This was a huge, huge nightmare to get things turned on again. I distinctly recall sobbing on the phone to more than one utility company. -Get your bank accounts, credit cards, etc. separated asap. Note the date that your actual dissolution of joint banking, joint finances occurs because you want to use that as a start date you are not responsible for any mess he creates. Get him OFF your credit cards, your ATM/debit immediately. -Get the title of the car in your name, insurance, etc. This might all seem quite unbelievable, but more often than not people get very weird during a divorce. I had people recommend some of the things I suggested above--when I took the advice I always, always was grateful later. When I ignored the suggestions I always, always lived to regret it.