I have a question about locating the computer in public vs private areas of the home.A I know somewhere on the OLGA site it says that public areas are best, but I was wondering if others had differing perspectives.
In the beginning stages of this addiction we had the computer in a downstairs room where our front door is located.A As my LP (life partner) began to spend more and more time at the computer I began to get upset every time I had to pass through the room to leave the house.A It was an especially bad location for me as I had to pass through the room several times a day to walk the dogs.A When she began to communicate with other players I would see their characters standing or sitting together gazing off into the distance.A Since she was spending no time talking to me I found this very disturbing.A I found I was not enjoying my dog walks and was being sharp with the dogs.A A :'(A After talking to my therapist about it, I asked if my LP could move the computer to her room.A I didnaEU(tm)t think the location would affect her gamingaEU"she was already staying up all night and playing for up to 12 hours at a time.A So, now the computer is in her bedroom.
Last night we were talking and she asked how her playing the game was different from the times when we would sit downstairs and watch several hours of television.A I said at least we were together watching t.v. and could talk about what was on.A She then asked if I wanted her to move the computer into the living room so that we could be together while she gamed.A I tried to explain that due to her involvement in the game she could be in the room with me and IaEU(tm)d just as soon be in Alaska, but she didnaEU(tm)t get it.A Then I got the aEUoeI canaEU(tm)t winaEU argumentaEU"she thinks it would solve the problem I have feeling isolated and alone if the computer were downstairs where I read and knit.A
I also find I have a very overwhelming negative reaction to even seeing the game on the computer.A I just feel enraged by the whole thing.A I really donaEU(tm)t want aEUoeitaEU to be in the room where I am trying to enjoy some quiet activity (she said sheaEU(tm)d wear the headphones).A So if she is involved with the game and wearing headphones I donaEU(tm)t see how sitting in the same room constitutes any form of togetherness.A I feel so wounded by this whole experience that I really donaEU(tm)t want ANYTHING to do with the game.A I donaEU(tm)t want to be near it in any way.
Can any one offer any other perspectives to this situation that I might be missing?A Do other spouses or parents have this overwhelming abhorrence to these games to the point that you feel your blood pressure rising just hearing or seeing them?A Am I totally crazy for feeling this way?
Teresa
My son moved out of our home at age 18, 3 months ago, but I recall very well the anger I would feel every time I saw him on his laptop playing an on-line game. It is still a hot button with me and will be so for a long time because I put so much blame on that #$%^ computer for my son's defiant attitude and bad behavior over the last couple of years. I also have to put some blame on him because he did and still does have a choice, even though he is an addict. I can't justify the anger as a rational response, it is purely emotional. As I was crying to one of my sisters about my son's moving out in October, she pointed out that at least the tension was out of the house when he moved. Although I didn't want to hear that, it was absolutely true. New worries about his well being, but less daily tension.
Janet
Dear Teresa, I don't think you're crazy at all! It sounds like you've been trying so hard to come to a liveable solution with your LP, but she's not meeting you at 50%... 80%...99% of the way. You are right when you observe that she is totally in her own world (whether using headphones or not) when she's on the game... THAT is their reality at the time, the surroundings, whether her bedroom or yours or the living room or the garage, are beside the point. We keep our computer in a public area because we have teenage boys in the house... need I say more... but I am wondering, how is it that your LP is carrying on a cyber-affair if the computer is out in the open now? I don't have feelings of outright rage when I see Willy game, although if it were WoW, of course that would be a different story. Then the computer would probably be literally out the window. Maybe this is the weasel response, but if your LP is (a) not going to give up playing and (b) the sight of her playing makes you explode then maybe... just let her go off and play alone. Remember, don't enable her to play though: don't bring her her meals, don't do her laundry, or take care of her in other ways so she can keep playing. If she has to eat (she has to eat, right?!?) then she has to come out of her room. It will at least make the experience easier to bear for you on a daily basis. You are trying and fighting so hard for this relationship, I wish there were some way to let your LP know that. An awful lot of people would have given up by now... Hugs, and a better day to you, Jane
The feelings you are having are absolutely understandable. I felt much the same when our duaghter was gaming. A short whle after she stopped, she did say that part of the reason she did was that it was creating so much tension in the family (to put it mildly). I really was angry and could not stand to see her on the computer and always suspicious that she was playing that game when her computer was turned on. I am still very anxious when I see her on her computer (which remains in her room). She eventually came down to often use the computer in the family room (laptop). We all seem to use it multi-tasking while we watch TV. I wouldn't want her playing the game while we watched TV. It seems to me that involvement in that game takes all one's attention. Your response, I thought, was a good one. I am less sure about what to do in your case. To me if my partner is engaged intensely in something and has no time for me, that's destructive. One reason I am learning to ski is that my partner likes it and wants me to enjoy it with him. I want to learn too so that helps. Maybe you could find some activity that you enjoyed together to do again.
I was just getting the picture from an alkie, in reference to your LP playing her games. It would be like watching TV with an alcoholic sitting next to you, getting totally drunk. Isn't that the same thing? And I think you're in a dead end trying to see it from your point of view, LP just isn't thinking clearly :- And I am sure you're not alone when it comes to feeling rage towards the pc (bottle). You're very normal. Keep sharing. Love Anne