The loss of love

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lmf35blue
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Last seen: 11 years 6 months ago
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Joined: 02/12/2009 - 9:08am
The loss of love

Hi folks,

I joined up awhile ago and this site has been really helpful. My husband has been playing computer games and video games for several years (we've been married for 9 years). He's never been addicted to the extent that it's affected his work performance or hygiene and he does a good share of household chores. However the games are his ONLY pastime other than occasional TV shows and movies. When we first met he had a few good friends and we all had some mutual interests but fairly soon he withdrew from those activities and lost touch with his friends. He hasn't ever disliked my friends but there have only been three that he could be convinced to join for any kind of outing. Since those people moved I've given up on getting him to go for any outing except grocery and household shopping and occasional fast food meals. He doesn't talk much and I also used to really try to draw him into conversation (any kind, small talk,current events, computer questions etc.) , but I realized I was just an idiot trying to say things to the back of his head while he played the games, and getting one or two word replies. This makes me feel really sad because while we were dating we had really long, interesting conversations and we seemed to have a lot in common, reading, music, art, culture. As it turns out he rarely if ever reads, and doesn't want to go to real-life concerts, or art galleries, sports events, or other performances, or even out for Sunday brunch. He plays the computer games every evening and most of the weekends. His life just seems so limited. I do go by myself to some social events and spend time with my friends, but for some of the things I want to do it just makes me sadder to think about going alone. I work all day Saturdays and recently I've realized that I enjoy spending the day with my co-workers more so than spending Sunday at home with him playing computer games all day.

I've told him how I feel but he has said he sees no reason to change. I've asked him to go to counselling many times over the years, and he's always refused (that should have been one of my first warning signs, I think). When I let any emotion out, that makes him shut down even more. Even if he stopped playing computer and video games I don' t know that it would help our relationship. I guess it's just his basic personality that makes him feel comfortable in the virtual world and have no interest in the real world. (His mother and one brother also seem addicted, to computers and previously to cigarettes). I also know (because he's said it) that he's disappointed that I don't have a better job and make more money. I've been through depression in the past and I know I need to work on myself and my own life to live up to my potential, but I feel like I can't get over grieving for the life I thought we would have together. Just feeling sad about it is sucking up a lot of my energy.

lmf

mscorpio76
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Last seen: 11 years 5 months ago
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Joined: 01/26/2009 - 3:14pm
I can understand exactly

I can understand exactly where you are coming from! It's physically and emotionally draining dealing with any kind of addict. You are correct that you need to work on yourself first! That was my mistake...even though I am not a stranger to addiction (my mother is an alcoholic) it sure didn't stop me from being an enabler, yet again. As I started to get stronger he became angrier...I have decided to take the final steps, divorce. He doesn't game anymore but has turned into an emotional abuser...this is ten times worse than him gaming. But this is my decision. This site has definitely helped me with everyones feedback...I hope it does for you also. It sounds like you are a strong person...stay strong...you haven't done anything wrong...HE is the addict. My thoughts will be with you.

Delirium
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Last seen: 8 years 9 months ago
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Joined: 01/07/2009 - 2:50pm
It's sad, but I think you

It's sad, but I think you have your answer. He sees no reason to change and instead he redirects at you and your 'faults'. That is not a relationship. That is mutual co-existance. A relationship is one that supports and works together. I'm a recovering addict. However even during my addiction i still went out regularly with my wife. My addiction effected my attitude and mental state (always impatient, had to squeeze in gaming anyway possible without effecting RL stuff) more then my RL relationships. It sounds like gaming is his escape from stresses and he seems to stress about money. The problem with relationships is they start out full of promise and eventually you find out what people are really like much further down the line. If he doesn't see a problem, he likely never will. You can try to direct him to help like this website, but he has to make the effort. Forcing him into counselling will do no good as he'll just do it as a 'chore'.

-Slade
"Falling down is not a failure. Not getting back up is the true failure"

BackOfHisHead
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Joined: 11/04/2008 - 9:17pm
"but I realized I was just

"but I realized I was just an idiot trying to say things to the back of his head" Alcoholics like to be around other alcoholics,.. drug users hang with other drug users, gamers are to a degree isolated form their fellow gamers in the "real world" so they tend to feel better if they can make you feel bad about your own life.. He can't turn it around on you saying that your not involved, so instead he chips away at your worth!!! Believe me when I say I've been there,.. keep the pressure on, I know it feels harder than it should be,.. give the ultimatums, stand by them... draw a line in the sand and let him know it's there.. If he doesn't take notice... then what your holding on to is just memories of good times, and a lot of saddness for broken promises and lost dreams... Im here to tell you, Dream Bigger Girl.. when someone treats you badly you have to sometimes swallow the rocks that fill your throat with saddness and take another step.. because that next step is about the choices you make for yourself.

Emeralda
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Joined: 03/29/2009 - 2:54pm
I can relate to what you

I can relate to what you have said about your current situation. I feel the same way about my partner who has an addiction to gaming. I don't know how you've managed to stay as long as you have. We've only been together for 3 years and I can hardly take it anymore. I'm not surprised that you are depressed sometimes because by the sounds of it you probably feel like you can't really tell him how you feel since he shuts down more when you express emotion. My partner shuts down as well if I show any feelings, talk about feelings, and especially cry. I think it's good that you have joined this site because at least this is a place where you don't have to hold back how you feel and can find support. I have just started to work on my enabling behavior since realizing that I can only change myself not him. By what you've written it seems like you are an independent person and have not given up on any of your interests, which is good. I can feel a lot of loneliness when I read your post but know that you're not alone. Although I realize your loneliness probably comes from missing him in those situation where he should be there, etc. I visit this site often and try to read the hopeful stories so that I can get a boost ever now and then. I know that we can get through this. We are not really supposed to give advice other than just encouragement and support but I would suggest letting him know what you are going to do for yourself (i.e., joining this site). I let my significant other know that I was getting help for this problem in our relationship and I have noticed changes in him. I have felt better since joining the site and feel as though I am really actively dealing with it, even though my partner continues to game daily. I hope things get easier for you since joining and thanks for sharing your story with myself and others. It helps me to know that I'm not the only one who feels this way :)

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