My Husband Is Addicted To Evony & Thinks I Have The Problem!

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Haymal
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My Husband Is Addicted To Evony & Thinks I Have The Problem!

I'm so glad I found OLGA These stories are inspiring and validate my feelings.  I feel like I'm going crazy with no where to turn. I've been married to him for 15 years and we've had a pretty good relationship...I've always liked and loved my husband.  I've known about his weaknesses...he likes to drink a little too much, flirt a little too much and we've had some internet "chat" problems.  But I stuck it out because I married him.  

We both have nice families and we get along with all of the them.  Work has been hard these last 2 years and we had our own business that was successful and then with the economy things slowed down alot.  Business dried up and he got into internet real estate...this was the first mistake. I got a job outside the house but uh hasn't been out of the house in the last 18 months, he filed for unemployment and thinks that's his income.  But this Evony is a toxic poison that has spread into my home. He has been playing Evony since April 2009 and its getting worse. He also works  from home and is on the internet all day & night.  He started playing the game as a "distraction" but now he has Evony up all day and all night. He has no life.  

He won't leave the computer for more than a few hours and it's the first thing he does in the morning and the last thing he does at night. We don't have any kind of a marriage anymore. He thinks because he's in the same room with me that we''re sharing time together. No no no!!! We don't talk to each other, we haven't had any intimacy in months and when I try to talk to him about limiting his time on the game, he gets angry and then he punishes me by staying on longer! I feel that he'd rather be online than spend any time with me and he pretty much has made it clear that it's true.

He has a new 'social network' and these 'friends' are more important that me. He actually thinks I'm the one with the problem because I want his attention. He's collecting unemployment and hasn't tried to even find a job. I don't know what to do but if something doesn't change, it's a deal breaker and I'm not living my life waiting for him to finish that game.

I don't want to leave but I'm so lonesome and stressed about our emotional and financial life.  He has no real life anymore and I'm really at the end of my patience.  I basically live alone.  He ignores me when I ask him a question (even about eating), he ignores me when I cry, he ignores me all the time.  The emotional and financial stress is wearing me down.  Anything good about my husband has disappeared into the bowels of Evony.

dark (not verified)
Dear Haymal, Thank you for

Dear Haymal,

Thank you for sharing this. You are telling my wifes story, and it makes me feel deeply ashamed and embarassed.

That being so, your husband is clearly addicted. He will surely not stop until he has reached his personal bottom, and even then there is no guarantee. I am sorry.

Please read carefully the posts and advice of some experienced family members of OLGAnon about living with an addict. You cannot control him or his addiction, but you must look after yourself.

- dark

Haymal
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Hey dark You're reply

Hey dark

You're reply touched my heart. As a reread my post, it almost felt I was reading about someone else's life. I've read alot of the stories and replies and I'm so grateful to have found this comfort. I've been living like this for 9 months and I won't wait around for his "personal bottom". I've been honest with him about my feelings and what my expectations are and his reaction is to ignore me and our real life. When I've expressed interest in the game, really just to see how addicted he is, he's overjoyed and then, and only then, does he get animated and talk talk talk! It's a little scary because talking about anything else just depresses him. I don't want to spy on him, count his hours and or check his emails, I want to have a grown up relationship based on trust. The trust is gone. I remember how good our marriage was, 15 years together, and I'll always want that back but I'm not sure he's the same person or can be the same person. We're is financial distress right now and I'm working hard to get to a point where I can afford my house alone...then that's it...separation is the only course of action I can see. We don't have kids so that part is easier for me than other struggling families. But make no mistake, the loniness is more real than I've ever experienced and the grief I feel is as deep as I felt when my mom passed last year.

Thanks again for your reply...I'm praying for you and your family and all the addicts and friend & family that live with it.

Haymal

gsingjane
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Welcome to OLGA, Haymal. 

Welcome to OLGA, Haymal. That is certainly a distressing... although all too common... story of a marriage collapsing under the weight of compulsive online gaming. It may be that gaming is your husband's way of dealing with the blow to his self-esteem caused by being unemployed, but, as you say, this certainly does not excuse it! And, obviously, the gaming is getting in the way, big-time, of his ever becoming employed again. It's so strange, we see this all the time, that the medication (the gaming) actually impedes or prevents recovery... the very thing the addict does to feel better from some problem, makes solving the problem impossible.

You are doing the right thing to focus on you. Thank goodness there are no children involved. You are smart to make a plan and to act on it, you will feel much more in control of the situation now. I am very sorry about the loneliness and the sadness... know that this, too, will pass, though. It will be a fire you will have to pass through, to reach the other side. I am just so sorry.

Take care and stay strong,

Jane in CT

Haymal
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Thank you Jane!   I still

Thank you Jane! I still can't believe an online game can be addictive. It's unbelievable to me that the virtual world could be more interesting and exciting that real life with a partner. But there were red flags throughout our marriage that are clear to me now. My husband is very social, party guy type and I'm not a party girl...I like small gatherings of real friends. He has "revealed" to me how this Evony network is social to him since we don't have any friends. And because we don't have any money, it's the only way he can be social. (this, of course, is my fault because I don't like to go to places where there's alot of drinking) AND, now these other gamers are his friends...besides gaming they have discussions about all sorts of topics and that's the cruelest part of all. He has no interest in talking to me anymore or even his family it's only the gamers that hold his focus. I know I've got a codependency problem and I've been obsessive about his behavior instead of working on my own. I thought I could be the "gaming" police just like I was the "alcohol" police but that doesn't work as you know. I used to check his game and email but last November I decided it was too much wasted time and I found things I hated and they didn't stop and it was futile. I want to work on my codependency and get better and stronger so I can have a real life with real feelings and real people. If that means detaching myself from my marriage, I'll do it. I'm too sad and too tired and too hurt to try anymore. He knows how I feel but he doesn't have the focus to realize how serious this. If he could get a job, maybe being out of the house and away from the game would wake him up...does that ever happen?

thanks again for your support...this group has made a huge impact in my life. I don't feel so alone anymore.

Haymal

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Hi, Haymal,  I can feel

Hi, Haymal, I can feel your pain. My addict is in the next room from me. He is sick and does not want any attention from me. All I can do is pray for him. He is choosing alcohol and gaming, and is also working on a bachelor's degree. I agreed to stay until he finishes school, which is at the end of this year, if he makes it.

For myself, I have asked him not to drink around me, and now that I'm game free, have asked him to not game around me and he is doing this.

Because he is an adult, I can see no more that I can do for him except to recover myself.

Your admitting you have a "codependency problem" is very refreshing to me. It's a breath of fresh air because we get so many angry partners here that say hateful things about their gamers and try and try and try to gain control over them...it is very sad. How many of them ever get it that they can only control themselves? Don't know.

To me, marriage is a sham if it does not include true intimacy and partnering to face life. I'd rather divorce in such circumstances, because it is the more loving thing to do rather than enable one partner to atrophy while another shoulders added burdens. This is my belief.

I have made a decision to hang in with my son until our lease is up at the end of May, and to pay his rent and electricity for another semester after this one, which is what I told him from the get-go when I moved in in early February 2009. To my mind, I've done my best for him, and I dearly love the man behind the behaviors. Some times, we have to let go and it is extremely painful.

lola15
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My husband is also addicted

My husband is also addicted to this Evony game. Its the first thing he does when he gets home and finally lays down in time to get about an hours sleep before going to work. I think he has met some girl on this game in another state and I think he is now sneeking off seeing her. He says he is going away to sporting events but he got busted a while back, now this weekend he suddenly need space cause he's going thru something....I hate this game and wish they would find out he has some kind of bot he is running and kick him off the game. he is throwing 12 yrs away over this STUPID game.

I dont know what to do he says hes not addicted to it....any suggestions?

Haymal
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Lola15...Thank you so much

Lola15...Thank you so much for your comments.

Like you my husband is on the verge of throwing away our 15 years of marriage. I don't have any suggestions just my own experience. My husband also won't see his addiction. I've tried to talk, cry, beg but he just ignores me. And if my husband has met another woman, I don't know. He's so sectretive about his Evony "friends" and I stopped trying to find out. My obsessive behavior just feeds his addiction and my codependency. And, since he never leaves the house or his computer, it would be an internet affair. And he's very attached to his Evony alliance, they're his friends so I have no influence with him at all. Honestly, he's SO NOT the same person I married that I hardly recognize him and that is very sad to me. His family doesn't want to confront him and my family thinks he's over the edge so they support me but they want me to move on. His unemployment also feeds his addiction because he's so unmotivated to find a job that takes him out of the house. I know his depression and frustration over his unemployment makes him feel angry and brings on feelings of low self-esteem. But instead of talking and trying to find real life options to get his life back on track, he has alienated his partner, best friend, WIFE, he's turned to Evony and his virtual world of acceptance.

So, I've decided to take care of me...I have this wonderful book by Melody Beattie, Co- Dependent No More (there's a newer version,too) and I'm dealing with myself and letting him control his own behavior, no matter how destructive, and I have to control mine. I'd like him to get help but honestly, I don't know if could go through this again. If he relaspes I'll lose MY mind and I NEED a normal life with REAL people. I'm going through the Detachment part and I fight every minute of every day to stay in control of ME and not get involved with his manic behavior. I've told him everything I'm telling you...I keep the lines of communication open but on MY terms. I don't wait for a break in the game or him to finally get up to go to the bathroom...I speak when I want. I try not to get angry anymore because it's completely ineffective. If I make dinner and he's still on Evony, I eat and he can serve himself or I don't make dinner and he eats chips at the computer.

Sometimes he tries to appear normal, watch a movie with me or go out grocery shopping with me and then he's attentive but I think he does that to placate me and try to smooth things over so I'll be lulled into a sense of false security and I'll leave him alone. I know that sounds awful but I think addicts do that kind of "fooling" so that we let them be.

As you, my life has changed dramatically since he became addicted and I want my old life back, but that thinking is also ineffective. I don't think my husband wants to quit and maybe he never will but I won't be around to watch. I can't wait around for my love for him turn to hate.

I know there are alot of wonderful posts with GREAT advice and GREAT support...I think you have to take all the stories and support and then really do some soul searching, try to rediscover who you are and what you deserve and TRY to apply it your life now. It's not easy and I'm not there yet but I won't be pulled into his addiction or develop an addiction of my own based on his behavior. I have to change!

I don't know if I've helped you at all but I'm so grateful for you and this site that allows us speak completely honestly about our feelings and let's us feel valued when in our lives the person we trusted & loved most in the world doesn't value us anymore.

Haymal
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Hi LaurelS9...thanks for

Hi LaurelS9...thanks for sharing with me. We're so on the same page about what marriage is and I know we deserve those things. For myself, because we don't have any children, I have to be even more diligant in taking care of myself and not get so self-absorbed in my depression and sorrow. I'm reading the book Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie...it's been a grounding force in my despair. I'm at the Detachment part of the process. I'm heartbroken that my life has come to this crossroads and I'm heartbroken for my husband that his virtual world is more compelling and important than real life.

I love what you wrote: "it is the more loving thing (divorce) to do rather than enable one partner to atrophy while another shoulders added burdens." Such a profoundly true statement!

You exhibit such strength and conviction...it's contagious and reading your post has reinforced my plan to stay in control of my life and move in the direction of my own co-dependency recovery.

LaurelS9
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Yeah, I've read and reread

Yeah, I've read and reread that book over the years. You have good support there, Haymal. Melody Beattie.

JennieWren
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I too am an Evony wife and

I too am an Evony wife and can feel your pain. I feel like I am dying inside and I don't know what to do. I am reading Co-Dependent No More as well.... some of it is hard for me to relate to because it is about alcoholics...but I am trying.

char25
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Hmmm...my fiance is also an

Hmmm...my fiance is also an addicted to this game "evony". Its the first thing he does when he wakes up in the morning and the very first thing he does when he gets home from work.

I don't think I even exist to him, he is engaged to evony now, the name "EVONY makes me so upset. I tried talking to him about it but he gets agree and thinks i am nagg.

He's met a lot of people on there, because it's there only thing he talks about. When he is on this game you can't even have a simple conversation with him, all you get back as a reply is "Oh yea" I try to avoid the situation, so i choose not to talk to him about it anymore eventhough it hurts to be ignored by the person who is suppose to love and care about you. what even makes situation worse is I'm 7 & half weeks pregnant and we just move to this city where he work. I have no family and don't know very much people here either. All i know is i wont be staying around too long if he doesn't change here really quick.

Thanx to "EVONY"

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Hi Haymal, I just want to

Hi Haymal,

I just want to say that your husband "punishing" you by playing longer is likely not that at all, but only his using your not getting along as an excuse to play longer. So do not ever blame yourself for times like these.

Welcome to the site and please keep posting, you will find the support you need here as there are already a few other wives whose husbands are addicted to Evony.

A

proud ex WOW raider (proud of the EX part that is!)

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owow - I am an ex-evony

owow - I am an ex-evony gamer and I made a post yesterday to a woman in a similar situation. I hear your pain, all of you and it shames me as a man that I was capable of the same thing as your evony-addicts.

The fact is that when we feel worthless (whether we realise it or not) games like evony are a drug that makes us feel powerful - and evony is a hard core game becuase it NEVER stops - guys from all over the world are itching to take you down on different time zones and you have worked SO hard and so long on your kingdom that you dont want to be anyone elses ****! (ingame of course)

I think the only solution for a man to regain his sense of worth is to realise that he needs to get outside and hang out with his best friends - his wife being one of these best friends.

I dont have time to write more unfortunately - please try and find my other reply to a similar post if you are interested in more of my perspective.

All I can say is that when you are playing Evony - you aren't yourself - it's corny and it's shameful, but its true.

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Hi there.  I just loved

Hi there.

I just loved reading your post and can relate so much...I'm the Second Life widow from below. I shall have to find and read this book, because I am, more and more, realizing my severe tendency towards co-dependency. I have felt like I am in a daze lately, living someone else's life, with someone else's husband. How did this become my life? How has my husband been sucked into cybersex, cyber-cheating, justifying it as OK because he hasn't ever met them? I feel lost, like my chest is empty, like we're just going through the show of a marriage, and happiness, when we both really know it sucks and we are just hanging on for the kids at this point. I feel his detachment...it glares at me as if he were saying words to my face. The words he does say are empty and meaningless, because I can see in his chats what he REALLY says about me and it isn't what he implies to me, thats for darn sure.

I spy on my husband, lie to him...when did I BECOME THIS PERSON? Ugh. I hate this. I really do. I am going to the library tomorrow and getting that book!

Haymal
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Thank you h8SL and

Thank you h8SL and theatreplankton for your supportive comments. This site has truely saved my sanity...knowing I'm not the only one makes living my reality is a blessing.

theatreplankton, I couldn't find your other post but thank you for the insight and I understand completely what you mean by "The fact is that when we feel worthless (whether we realise it or not) games like evony are a drug that makes us feel powerful...". I know my husband's self esteem has suffered these last 2 years. His alliances make him feel important. But it's weird because sometimes I'll ask point blank about what's happening in the game and he'll give me a blow by blow description, and then after about 5 minutes it's almost as if he realizes how stupid he sounds talking about farming food, feeding his troops, attacking cities and new alliances...he actally said he's thinking of winding down his involvement because things have changed and lots of people have been banned. I don't encourage or discourage...I'm past it and he knows it. If he leaves the game it has to be his decision for his own reasons. I might not be around to see it because 1 year is more than enough for me.

h8SL, you are brave and strong and I hope you got the book...even though it's mostly about alochol addiction, the principles apply completely to any form of codependency! This book gave me a new lease on life. I, too, can't believe this happened to me...I'm so normal in the fact that I married a man I loved wanting to build a life and have a future together where we share the same values and moral ethics. My husband also feels his "playful banter" with other women is fine and doesn't cross the line. He's told me that out loud. He's wrong...soooo wrong. If it hurts me then it crosses the line. And my marriage is sacred to me, I don't want to share our initmacy with anyone else...he gives parts of himself away that belong to me. I've changed forever because of his neglect and my own codependency.

Last month I filed bankruptcy because I couldn't pay all our bills and that was some sort of wake up call...he actually went out, contacted some old clients and got a job! He's in sales so it's commission but he's had to book 2-3 appointments a day and he's going, not complaining, no attitude. He's sold a few and got paid! Okay, this is good news! He's proud of himself and that's a good thing. He still plays in the morning before he leaves for an appointment and plays as soon as he gets home. I'm happy for him but I don't expect miracles and I'm not counting on him to change, I don't know if he can. He can't see anything except I'm the one with the problem. Evony has really replaced me. Really, he can't go to bed unless he tucks in Evony...he can't eat unless he feeds Evony first and he can't leave the house unless he kisses Evony good-bye.

Honestly, I see no happy future...I'm not 25 or 30 or even 40. I can't wait for him to "snap out of it"...he needs therapy, me, too. But at this stage of my life, I want some peace. I want to laugh, talk, make love, I want my best friend back. I know sorrow and I feel I'm grieving for the marriage I had.

fly by night
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After reading the above

After reading the above posts on here my heart really does go out to you ladys that are married and going threw what your husbands are doing to themselfs and you while there playing online.I hope for the sake of all that have posted on here, can and will gain the knowledge,strength,courage,insight,and piece of mind from this site to keep on ,and live happily like you should be.I also hope that the ladys that have posted on here ..that tell there husbands about this site ,that there husbands will come on here read , post,and learn that they have a problem ,and that they can change with that knowledge and find help here.I know i learn something new everytime i come on here and read the posts.I wish you all well and that your hp will bless you threw your challenging times.

"It's all in your mind...Whatever you hold in your mind will tend to occur in your life.If you continue to believe as you have always believed,you will continue to act as you have always acted.If you continue to act as you have always acted,you will continue to get what you have always gotten.If you want different results in your life or your work,all you have to do is change your mind." Anonymous...

theatreplankton
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sorry haymal - here is the

sorry haymal - here is the post I was referring to:

I have played Evony - alot. And also Grepolis - another game of its ilk.

I have also known the feeling of deep depression which makes the escape into the Dark, sheltering cave of Gaming so alluring.

Evony works so well as an addiction because you have to WAIT for all this stuff to happen. It's almost like there is this vibrant LIFE happening somewhere that you have a part of; a LEADING part of and if you get off the roller-coaster you will miss out on it.

When we boys get addicted to our toys we become nasty spoilt little buggers - I assure you its the game (but i can only speak for myself) and when I realised the magnitude of the problem through the help of the checklist on this site it was a sobering experience.

We play games like Evony for the Power; we become kings who can direct the course of our miniature kingdoms. It feels GOOD - but so does smoking pot everyday, continuously, and getting drunk, continuously.

Time waits for no man in Evony; but its only a GAME!!! Did your husband ever play board games or role playing games with real people when he was younger? Often I think I craved the social aspect of the friends I missed and games like EVONY do it so well - except you are alone crouched in frontg of a computer knowing that your life is leeching away second by precious second.

Time to get out of the little room and go outside to play with his REAL friends. And get him to read the checklist to see if he is addicted. It helped me.

It may be from the sound of your last post that he is kinda getting sick of the game and considering getting out: TELL HIM AN EX EVONY GAMER SUGGESTED HE GIVE HIS ACCOUNT AWAY TO SOMEONE ELSE IN HIS ALLIANCE!

Hehe - blame me :)

There is an awful feeling of OBLIGATION that sinks in with this sort of game - it preys on the more noble parts of our natures and turns us into addicts: if he hands the account over to someone he knows and trusts ingame then it may be easier knowing the "second self online" is still "alive" ingame.

It could be that your husband is horribly, horribly depressed; I wish you both the best of luck and I feel for you.

Jos11
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I "think" my husband is

This comment has been moved here.

JoeD
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I was/am a WoW adict and

I was/am a WoW adict and picked up Evony just out of curiosity. It's hard for me to understand how people become to adicted to such a simple/dul game, but then again, I'm sure 99% of the world cant understand how I became adicted to World of Warcraft.

I wanted to comment on the whole social aspect of these games. In my experiance, and the experiances of those around me in those games, the social 'depth' is only as deep as the games, and that is to say, not much. The people I talked to daily when I played, never have talked to me since I left, none have even emailed to see why I left. The girl(s) I would flirt with never have talked to me since I left (nor would they be people I would have talked to if I'd met them out of the game). I think one of the most shocking things to me when I left online gaming was how meaningless those 'friendships' were.

Joe

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wow, as I continue to be a

wow, as I continue to be a mom who has lost her only son to online gaming (and gambling, although he has emailed me saying he doesn't gamble), well, I just don't believe him.

I haven't seen my son in over 8 years. I have done the detaching thing (in my brain). While others that I know have resorted to other coping mechanisms for their pain (for example, my friend is the mother of an alcoholic, so she started drinking in order to blot out her pain (I know, made no sense to me either but it seems to be not an uncommon fact), well, I didnt' go that route. My brain just had enough of my son's behavior so my brain DETACHED.

I've been doing this for a few years now. The only problem is when he emails me (for whatever reason). He doesn't care about me or my husband. But I gather his therapist has told him to "stay in touch", so once in blue moon, I'll get an email saying "So how are you and Dad doing?"

He doesn't give a hoot how me and dad are doing. I know this and he knows I know this. But it does a thing to my brain, that does a thing to my body and I start spasming. I am perfectly fine as long as I don't hear from him. I could feel guilty about this but what would the purpose be? I have to take care of myself. I took care of him for 20 years and he threw us away. And I don't give a rat's behind what the reason is. I did this back and forth thing with him for over 4 years after he moved out and began going in Second Life.

Once I realized that he was indeed a gamer (never thought of that in all my life, I mean, it's GAMING!! who knew that it could be like crack or cocaine?" I didn't!!

But now that I know that there will always be a Second Life, or a WOW or whatever game he plays, well he will continue to not be a productive member of society. He has never worked. Unless some miracle happens, he will never work.

Honestly, he creeps me out. I have been through so much with his behaviors over the past 8 years, it's kind of nice to know peace if you get my drift. I take care of ME and my husband. There is no one else that is going to put my welfare before theirs.

And isn't this what Mothers do? They always put their child's welfare before their own. They never stop to realize that once that child has an addiction, that all rational thinking is gone. It is simply GONE. The only thing that matters to the active addict (in gaming I mean), IS GAMING.

Not my welfare, not that I'm alive, or dead, but WHAT WILL HE DO TODAY? WHAT GAME WILL HE PLAY?

Well, since I can't go back 29 years and re-do my life, I can only use the tools I now possess to make sure I don't harm my health or my sanity.

It's easy to say this, I know. But it's NOT EASY to implement. My brain simply had enough of what I had to deal with. My brain simply shut down and I no longer feel anything for him. How sad, but that's the way my brain works. I could have blown up to 400 lbs, I could have started drinking (but since I never drank in my life, I don't think I would that). And since I overcame my obesity (that's how I coped with my son's behavior), I started to focus on me, and letting go of all the pain, and strive continually to eat right and be happy.

One might think "how can she ever be happy if she lost her son?" Well, I'm here to tell you that I laugh every night when I sit down with my husband and we watch something funny on tv. I laugh every night when I share a conversation with a neighbor, or just sit and enjoy a summer's day.

We CAN CHOOSE to deal with adversity by abusing our bodies, and going down the rabbit hole, or we can try and make better choices.

I began to make better choices. For me, it worked. I do not let my son's toxic behavior get to me anymore. When he would say "Oh, life sucks, I will kill myself (and yes, he's done this for years ), isn't it amazing, he's still living???

I began to reply "oh really, well, have a nice trip, see you on the other side". Isn't it amazing he doesn't say this to me anymore.

He has recently begun to email me indicating that HE WANTS TO TAKE BETTER CARE OF HIMSELF. He needed our medical history. I've been trying for YEARS to get him to take care of himself, to get out and take walks, to exercise, to not eat microwave meals all day long, but he would never listen, so I stopped saying these things.

All of a sudden he now WANTS TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.

Well, good for him, but I'm out of it. I can't go back to that poison. I just can't

I spent the first 4 years of his absence talking to social workers, psych ward nurses, till I thought I would go crazy. Nothing ever changed. He had to control everything and everybody. And he always got access to computers and his games.

So now all he does it sit at the computer and play games. If he has changed, well, that's fine. But I'll never believe it. How can I?

When a person makes you ill, or creeps you out, you MUST avoid that person and focus on your own welfare, or you will surely be sick yourself.

Life is too short. We have to move on and find the joy in life.

I do this every day. I find purpose in what I do. If I can lend a hand to one of my neighbors, or give a friendly smile, or say "hi, how are you doing today?" and if that person's eyes light up when I walk into a room, well, that warms me.

That's how you tell if a person really enjoys your company, and likes you. Try it. Go and see someone and watch the expression on their face when they greet you.

It's nice to be liked, and we need to find joy in life.

We have to stop beating ourselves up because our husbands or wives, or adult kids have ruined their existence.

We have to LIVE our own existence.

elizj

catherinek
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Hi everyone, just checking

Hi everyone, just checking in to respond to ElizJ's post.

Eliz, you stated my sentiments exactly. To a T. Thank you for explaining it so nicely. I can't even explain to you how accurately you nailed it for what it is like for SOs/Anons when they get to the other side.

I was just TRYING to say something similar to my good friend from this site last night in emails.

My ex., creeps me out. His behaviour creeps me out. And what is really great- is that I got to HEALTH before I creeped myself out for tolerating such a creep!

:-)

Thanks Elizj.

Gamersmom
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Hugs to you, elizj.  You

Hugs to you, elizj. You are one of the strongest moms I have ever known.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

ElizabethJ
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Thank you both. You know,

Thank you both. You know, it's odd but I lost friends and family because of what my son has done. They were so uncomfortable about it (I NEVER brought it up as a rule), but in the beginning, when he left, and began gambling, and then was diagnosed (incorrectly, in my opinion) with the diagnosis of Aspergers, and when my husband and I began to go to Asperger support group meetings and NAMI meetings, well, no one in my family ever asked about him. Nor did they ever say "eliz, you are going through a rough patch, how are you and your husband, do you need to speak abou this, do you need ANYTHING? I got NOTHING.

So when my husband and I were invited to a cousins reunion about 4 years ago, we went and all of us were sitting around the table, and because NO ONE asked about my son, I brought it up. No one knew what to say, so I turned to my cousin and I said: "what would YOU have done if it were YOUR son that this happened to?"

He looks at me and says "Oh, I would have gone to California and dragged him home". I said "oh really?" you think he would have allowed that?" and he replied "I don't care what he would allow, he wouldn't have gotten away with that stuff"

I knew immediately that I was dealing with ignorance so I said nothing.

That night my other cousin drove me home and I quietly asked "How come none of my family ever asks about my son?" He looked at me sheepishly and said "Well, we don't know what to say so we don't say anything"

And for the past few years, these cousins get together regularly, go on vacations, and we have not joined them. We don't drive and I would never impose on anyone, but I remember 40 years ago, when my parents were alive and we had a big family, and one of my uncles always picked up the aunts and other family members and bring them home.

Times have changed since then. I know this.

I do thank you both for understanding what I wrote. It does help to know that I am not alone. Next week is my son's 29th birthday. I have nothing to celebrate.

Honestly, I will never forgive him. Hard words, I know, but it's how I feel.

Take care,

elizj

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Hi eliz, The energy of not

Hi eliz,

The energy of not forgiving someone only resides in YOU, it ends up hurting you the most.

If your son was happy inside, he would not choose to excessively play video games.

Since the book was mentioned quite a few times in these posts, I suggest you read "Co-dependant No More" if you haven't already. The author gives detailed exercises to do after every chapter to help facilitate the release of any blockages.

Your son doesn't NOT care about you, he's an addict and he's sick.

~cgsongbird

Haymal
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Hey Joe, ElizabethJ,

Hey Joe, ElizabethJ, catherinek, Gamersmom and cgsongbird...thank you for all your stories and comments. Addicts don't care about anything but their game...they stop seeing us as people with feelings, we are just distractions to avoid. When my family or friends ask about my husband, the first words they utter are "Is he still playing the game?" They used to ask "Is he working?" because for the last 18 months he pretty much collected unemployment and played Evony...thankfully, he's working now but only because I filed for bankruptcy and we might lose our house. Sometimes he compromises and goes on Evony "holiday" and spends a little more time with me but that's on his terms...doesn't really count in my opinion because he always goes back. And we can't really talk about it, he still gets angry and defensive. I don't care.

Joe, you are so right about this "social" network...the other "gamers" aren't friends, he doesn't even know if they're men, women or children. And now he's playing the Facebook Evony. He really thinks his alliance are his friends...he says they don't just play the game, they are his social time because we don't go out or have any friends. How can we when he's gaming all week and through the weekend. Going anywhere together is limited by when he can leave the computer and how soon he can get back to it!

And you're soooo right, catherinek, my husband does start to creep me out...it's really not the same man I fell in love with and took vows with.

And ElizabethJ, you're so brave in the way you're dealing with your son...his life is so sad...He's the one who's lost everything...he can't have that time back. You've moved in the only direction you could...to continue living and loving and laughing. It's hard for family members to really grasp what the addict is going through and the hold that grips us before we detach.

The hardest part to kick for me is the "maybe today he'll quit and everything will go back to the way it was" attitude. I've forged ahead, trying to make more money and getting a medical issue taken care of (yea!) so I can think and plan clearly for my future. And, honestly, I can't really remember how it was anymore...I look at old pictures of happier times and I don't recognize myself...so sad.

I pray for all of us to keep strong and work on ourselves...that book, "Co-Dependent No More" saved my sanity and helped me detach from the Evony poison in my house. I feel sorry for my husband now instead of anger & rage. I know he's missing the best in his life, ME.

thanks again for all your stories!

Evaddict
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I am a former addict of the

I am a former addict of the game Evony, It is a very addictive game. It was the first thing I did in the morning, and the last thing I did at night. Hours of my day was wasted, I didnt want to leave the house for fear of being attacked on the game, or the need to help other gamers on this game that were apart of my alliance. This games forces those to build bonds and most of all responsibility to the game and the friends we play with on here that we never actually meet. I played for almost a year before realizing how much it was affecting my personal life. I would sometimes spend over 24 hrs on game. Quiting was very hard for me. But i knew i had to because of my marriage. Not everyone is that strong. A few things that can be done to address this issue. Intervention, serious talks, or some how make the man jealous enough to make him want to quit.

JoeD
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Evaddict, I played that game

Evaddict, I played that game for a short time, and while it never 'grabbed' me, I can see how it is structured to take all your time. The way you can be attacked while not there almost forces a person to live in the game 24/7.

Joe

ld797
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Wow. I just found this site

Wow. I just found this site through a google search for "evony addiction" and I'm so glad I did. Haymal's story is almost identical to mine, except my husband and I have been married only a year and we have a new baby. As far as her husband's behaviors toward her, the game and life in general, I felt like I was reading about my own husband. He started playing Evony just shortly after we married in April '09 and I can't believe how it has taken over his life. He plays 24/7 (even if he is away for short time periods, I still say he is playing 'cause I know it is constantly on his mind). It is the FIRST thing he does when he wakes up, the FIRST thing he does when he gets home from anywhere, and the LAST thing he does before going to sleep.....IF he even goes to sleep for the night. He has stayed up entire nights because of the game. He's always saying he only needs to be on for 10 minutes, or 15....do some farming and then he'll be done.....and it ALWAYS turns into HOURS. I can't believe how many of the husbands I read about with Evony addictions that are unemployed, because we are also in the same boat. He's been unemployed for over 2 years and I know it's depressed him. He has been to many job interviews that have looked promising, only to be let down by them. It has been a tough road and I know has gotten to him bad. Evony makes him feel like king of the world. He is very proud of his accomplishments and his ranking there. It makes me so sad to see him this way. He too gets so angry at me if I try to talk to him or confront him. I try to do it lovingly too, though I have lost my patience many times as well. He also thinks I am the one with the problem and I need to leave him alone. I am getting to where I don't feel I can leave the baby alone with him if I need to go anywhere. I will leave and give simple instruction for her such as, she needs a bottle at such & such time, diaper changing, etc. When I get home I'll ask if she had a bottle.....he says, "no." Her diaper will be poopy and I'll ask how long she's been in a poopy diaper for. He'll say, "I don't know." I'll ask if he's given her ANYTHING to eat, or changed her diaper at all......"no." Then she gets a diaper rash and I tell him she has a rash because, "you didn't change her, you let her sit in a poopy diaper." He then looses his temper with me that, how dare I imply that he doesn't take care of our daugher, or I'm always complaining or nagging about something. I know his intentions all good, but Evony is what gets in the way of him doing any of these responsible things. I don't understandy how he can't see that. This really is not him. He is not someone who neglets taking care of his baby. He is loving, kind and a wonderful person. But with Evony, I don't know who he is. I go to bed alone every night. I cry myself to sleep many times. Once in a while, he will see me cry & come over to hug me for a minute.....then goes right back to playing Evony for the rest of the night. I wish he would see how this habit is impacting his life and those around him who love him. I don't want to divorce because I know the good man that he really is. But is that the only choice I have here? I don't want my baby to not have both parents.

bgh
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I was told once that Evony

I was told once that Evony was actually created by some former WoW gold farmers from China. The game's structure and fee for services suggest this is true.

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
____________________________________

Haymal
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id797 welcome...I'm glad you

id797

welcome...I'm glad you found my post...just as I was so glad I found others who have posted "our" story. And I'm so sad for your husband (& mine) who are addicts. Since I don't have children, I didn't have the neglect issues but this is a big one. You can change your life, regain your self esteem and move forward if you don't enable him but a baby is at his addictive behavior's mercy. This kind of neglect cannot be tolerated by you! You say "This really is not him. He is not someone who neglects taking care of his baby.", but he does neglect the baby and he's not loving to you and the baby...he's angry & defensive.

I know how hard it is to admit that Evony addiction has changed him but my husband was nicer to me 2 years ago, too. Now, my feelings have ceased to matter to him. We actually had words yesterday and I told him I wanted him to quit the game completely...that he gave Evony 14 months of my life and I want it to stop so we can try to re-connect and save what marriage we might have left. He never responded...almost pretends I didn't even speak. He asked me what we were having for dinner and went right to the computer. Today he's sweeter and he even called me at work but I know the drill...he'll be more "there" until he feels things are back to "normal" and I'll leave him alone. I'm trying to plan my next step, my future when my bankruptcy is over, but if I had a baby, I'd figure out a way to be more proactive.

I know you don't want to give up on him but you started your marriage with an addict and can you see yourself raising your child alone? Will the child really ever know his father? or just a person sitting at a computer...it makes me cry for you and your baby. And it's so sad for your husband, he's wasting precious time that he can never get back. And what about YOU...do you really want to give your life to Evony? I don't! I'm getting stronger and I WILL be happy again with or without my marriage.

Thanks for sharing your story and keep reading and posting...it feels so good to be valued here and be able to talk freely and regain your strength! Be Strong...You are NOT the one with the problem...just don't be lured into his addiction by being co-dependent.

Haymal

theatreplankton
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 (edit: I may have repeated

(edit: I may have repeated myself a bit here - please excuse me if I am rambling!)

Unemployment, stress and Depression led me into Obsessive game playing - I believe there is something inherent in the male psyche of a large percentage of us that makes us vulnerable to games like these.

Evony makes you feel powerful and in control - and the presence of other like minded individuals justr cements the process - you are fooled into feeling that you are actually doing something - when all you are doing is pointing and clicking at a computer screen, moving little imaginary things from one place to another.

I guess the thing that was eating at me when I played Evony was that I was not exercising, making money or doing anything that remotely resembled improving myself of my situation - the EXACT opposite of the HEROIC character that I was pretending to be onscreen - I was a pathetic little boy not facing up to being a man in the outside world.

That whole getting angry thing - I am ashamed to say that although i am a very mild mannered and kind and compassionate person - gaming turned me into a MEAN dude when I was being distracted - it is a source of shame to me - and I hope one day that your men-folk will be able to look back at this in particular and be greater for it.

In the end - noone wants to admit they are dangerously (i mean this in regards to their relationships and jobs etc.) addicted to a GAME - the easiest way to TEST if you are addicted is simply to walk away from it - give your avatar away to a guild mate and take a break: If you dont want to and get angry about it: there is a good chance you are addicted-....

Iamstillagoddess
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theatreplankton
theatreplankton wrote:

(edit: I may have repeated myself a bit here - please excuse me if I am rambling!)

Unemployment, stress and Depression led me into Obsessive game playing - I believe there is something inherent in the male psyche of a large percentage of us that makes us vulnerable to games like these.

I guess the thing that was eating at me when I played Evony was that I was not exercising, making money or doing anything that remotely resembled improving myself of my situation - the EXACT opposite of the HEROIC character that I was pretending to be onscreen - I was a pathetic little boy not facing up to being a man in the outside world.

Not just men....this pretty much sums it up for me. Replace man with woman, heroic with stunningly beautiful, yadda yadda blah blah blah. The results are the same.

It's the end of the world as we know it...and I feel fine....

ld797
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Haymal, So how are

Haymal,

So how are things for you now? I know just what you mean about the "drill" of him being nice for a while. The scenario you described is similar to so many we've had. You try to talk to him, he doesn't respond, maybe gets angry, and then is nice for a couple of days but it wears off soon.

I know the neglect issue is a big one. It breaks my heart. The good thing is that I am never gone, away from the baby, for more than a couple of hours at a time. So if he's slacked in feeding/changing her, it isn't really detrimental for that short of time, though it's not good. But what if something came up where I had to leave her with him for a whole day? I know his intentions are good but that game just ties him down for much longer than I think he even realises. He might say, I'll feed the baby in 5 minutes, and really mean to do it, but something happens on Evony where he ends up needing to be there for 2 hours. A part of me wants to think that he knows I will always be back or step in where the baby is concerned and take care of everything, so maybe he lets himself slack because of this. But my worst fear is that what if he really can't control it? I just don't know.

Anyway, lately he's been saying that he's really annoyed with Evony. There are things happening on there...drama & such....that really have him wanting to quit. I got excited when I heard this. But of course, he doesn't want to just walk away from what he's built on there...all the work he's put into it. So all this "drama" is eating up his time & energy and even though he's not happy about it, he's still on there dealing with it...he's letting it control him. I don't get it. I hope he finds someone he can just hand over his account to...permanantly...and walk away for good. It sounds like he might be willing to do that, but I don't want to get my hopes up too soon.

He does the flirting thing a little too much too. If there's such a thing as online affairs, he's had them. He will never admit it's an affair, however, since it's not physical and thinks it's ridiculous that people call it that. He gets mad at me that I am bothered by it and turns it around on me being the bad person for caring. You can imagine my hurt & frustration.

Thanks for writing on here. I really would like to hear how things are going. I hope well.

dark (not verified)
Hi ld, I am a recovering

Hi ld,

I am a recovering addict. Here is some advice based on how my beautiful wife managed me before things got out of control. Only one caveat - I have some experience with addiction and I have been addicted to other substances before - so I was open to this.

What your husband is going through is addiction. Pure and simple. You must put this on the table and get it away from you and being a bad person etc.

Put addiction on the table, get him to aknowledge.

- dark

ld797
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Thank you Dark, Any tips on

Thank you Dark,

Any tips on how to get him to acknowledge it? I have tried different approaches & all seem to fail and only upset him further.

Haymal
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Hey Dark and Id797 Thank you

Hey Dark and Id797

Thank you for your comments!

Same for me...I can't get him to talk about much less admit anything about addiction. He will acknowledge other people's problems, gambling, alochol, drugs but not gaming...he still insists it's a distraction from our real life issues. He did tell me he's decided to cut back and get off 2 of his servers...he's on at least 4. But he mentioned it last week as if he's doing ME a favor and he said it takes awhile to get rid of his resources, blah, blah, blah. I want to give him this web site and have him read some of the posts...I'm not sure he'd even recognize his own addiction. Really, I feel so emotionally & physically exhausted, I don't have the strength to fight anymore. My depression is affecting how I deal with him and I feel like I live in a play...I'm just acting the part of the wife drifting from scene to scene.

My indifference does seem to be making a small difference...he's more conversational and is prompt for dinner these days. When I'm not home when he expects me, he actually calls me. I'm trying to make plans after work wih some girlfriends and not feel so anxious to get home to police him...I realize I can only control my own behavior and that's what I'm doing. And I found a group for co-dependancy in my area that I'm planning on attending next week. I think some face to face with others will help my perspective and I'm telling my husband I'm going.

I can't express how grateful I am to all the members and comments...a lifeline for me!

dark (not verified)
Hi Haymal, Good for you for

Hi Haymal,

Good for you for taking some positive action. Ld you may want to follow Haymal's example. Try to detach. Take emotion out of the situation. Stand your ground. State the truth:
1) you have done reasearch and you believe his behaviour is based on addiction
2) that you will not accept he can game anymore because its ruining his life and your relationship
3) begin to build your own strength and independence - get ready for him not to be in your life anymore - it is the only choice you have because if he is an addict - you didnt CAUSE it - you cant CONTROL it - you cant CURE his addiction

- dark

bmm1789
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I decided to google evony

I decided to google evony addition and was stunned to find so many versions of my same story. My husband of 17 years is addicted. First thing in the morning and sometimes all night. Even our children comment, "dad won't do that with us, he is too busy with Evony." He shut down his Evony once because it was taking too much of his time but he started up again and it is worse this time. He used to be glued to the laptop the entire time he was home. Now, he takes the laptop with him to play at every possible minute. Not having him as a part of my life is something I think I could contend with, but how do you deal with the issue when you have 4 children.

Haymal
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Hi bmm1789 What a horrible

Hi bmm1789

What a horrible situation...for your kids. You're right when you say YOU can deal with this situation but what about HIS children. And I'm married 16 years, Evony started in April 2009 and I don't know where it came from...in fact, I still almost can't believe that he's addicted to a GAME and it's more important than our life. Here, at this web site it where I started to realize how serious gaming addiction is. And Here, at this web site, I got the courage from the other members, to face it, detach and hopefully start to move my life forward. With or without him.

Thank heavens we don't have any kids so it's just taking care of me, but, both our families have suffered. I've had (& still do) a hard time leaving the house to go see my family (they're out of town) and even going with my friends is something I push myself to do. I CAN'T sit in the house while he plays every day & night. Being ignored has desroyed my self-esteem, and I can't help but worry about you're poor kids. They don't deserve his negligence...they need a selfless father who's world revolves around them. His behavior is a bad example for the children.

You and your children are in my prayers..

ElizabethJ
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My son is a manipulative

My son is a manipulative piece of work. He manipulated the state of California to give him a home,, money, tv, cable, dsl line, computers, games, etc. etc. etc.

You say he's sick. Might be. He's an addict? definitely, only gaming is not a recognized addiction is it? And there's so much help for him I can't tell you. He has NEVER worked a day in his life. Why should he? As he used to say "why on earth should I work, all my needs are met". He once told me "you are no longer a priority in my life, I haven't seen you for a long time"

You expect me to forgive this behavior? Don't think that's possible. I would have to go to a place in my heart and in my head that I can't recognize anymore.

He destroyed that place.

It is what it is. I have my husband, and I have my friends, and god willing, I'll get my health back. I will not enable a person by giving him money to play dumb fantasy games, etc.

He is non -productive. He does nothing. He will do nothing. We have to have a purpose in life. To do good for others, to help others. TO DO SOMETHING.

He has done nothing.

I'll never understand his way of thinking. He is the most negative toxic person I have ever known. I would rather have pleasant positive, compassionate caring souls in my life than someone who always moans and says "Life sucks, I hate life, etc."

There's life to be LIVED OUT THERE.

And I'm living it.

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I too came online wanting to

I too came online wanting to see if there was somewhere that I could find out about online game addiction. Little did I know I would find an entire section dedicated to Evony. My husband is exactly the same way. First thing in the morning and last thing at night. Sometimes he won't even go to bed until 4 or 5 in the morning. He started his own buisness the beginning of this year and picked up the game as something fun to do as one of his friends plays. Buisness is slow and I believe that while I'm at work he spends all day in front of the computer. I too am stressed about finances, and don't feel like I'm in a relationship anymore. I get the 10 mins sweetie and I'll be done, just setting up my farming for the night. and then it becomes hours. The only time I can get with him away from the game is when we go for a smoke as we have to go outside as we live in a non-smoking home. Even then the entire time we are outside that's all he talks about is the game. I've expressed that I need to have time with him away from the game but it becomes me being needy and not understanding him. That he doesn't play that much and we do have time together. We watch movies together occasionally but it will get paused so he can go and check on the game. I'm so tired of it, but I can't just walk away as we have a son together. I've decided to do the same thing as H. I am working on myself and making myself happy. I can't afford to move out on my own right now but I'm trying to get there. In the prossess I'm hoping that my husband realizes that I'm happier without him and that he will realize the errors of his ways. Like the other gentleman said, maybe if he becomes jealous of my happiness and time away from him that he will quit the game or at least spend less time on it to try and reconnect with me. He might have been sucked in by the poisoning effect of Evony but that doesn't mean that I have to sink into it as well.

Haymal
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Hey tiredofevony...what a

Hey tiredofevony...what a perfect username for our issue. Thanks for sharing your story. The more I hear the lives of others on this site, the more validated I feel and the less shame I feel. I really thought it was something lacking in me that made my husband want to spend all his/our time on Evony. But now, intellectually, I know it has nothing to do with me...emotionally I still get depressed and so sad for the lost time of my marriage and life. We really only get this one life, my mom passed away in Sept 2008 and I really came face to face with my own mortality. I want to live every day in the present and FEEL my life. Unfortuntely, this was the same time our business dropped and my husband was home alone all day. He couldn't be there for me emotionally to help me grieve and get through her death but he moved further & further away and when he found Evony...that was it. My grief became an irritation for him.

And I don't tolerate "10 minutes" or "soon" or "shortly" anymore...I verbalize NOT to use those promises to me. I don't ask when he'll be done, it has to be his choice. It has nothing to do with me. I won't try to make him jealous, he needs to WANT to be with me on his own terms. I know what I bring to our relationship including respect, love, friendship, fidelity, loyalty. I'm a good person and I deserve all those things and the last 18 months I have to really dig deep to see what he brings to the relationship. When he's not playing the game, is he really there? is he trying to connect? is he present for me? Not So Much...I always get the feeling he's biding his time until he get back to his game...Evony really is a poison.

tiredofevony
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After reading these stories

After reading these stories about other couples and problems with Evony I wrote down the site and handed it to my husband. He of course asked we what it was. I told him that there's an entire group of people on this website that are addicted to or the spouse of someone addicted to Evony. I shared your stories with him and then my concerns. As he has only been playing for 4 or 5 months. Hearing that he fits the exact same situation as your husbands and all the damage that it has done to your relationships and lives, he's quiting the game. His only request was to wage one last massive battle. He will be done by friday and has planned a romantic weekend for the two of us. I am very proud of him, but have made it known I will believe it when I see it. As he has talked about quiting before, but this time I think it will be different. I think the major part was that we have a two year old son that he hasn't been getting to spend time with. And hearing that you ladies are considering leaving your husband's over this has opened his eyes. In his words "if I keep playing I don't even think we'll last a year. I'm sorry that you went through this again. I made a mistake. Please support me in my attempt to quit it will be tough, but you mean that much to me and more." Shortly after we started dating 4 years ago I had bought him Final Fantasy 11 which is also an online game that took up all his time. We almost split over it. Then it was on to Everquest, but that was short lived. He was doing great until a fellow co-worker opened him up to the life of Evony. He understands that he has an addictive personality but is going to try and steer it into a more family oriented direction in the future. Thank you all for you inspiring, and heart breaking stories. If it can bring you some comfort in knowing that your pain has helped end the pain of another be comforted. My thoughts are with you all, and I send my best wishes your way so that maybe your men will realize what they have before you take that step and leave. Once you've lost what's close to your heart even if you do get it back it's never the same.

Good luck to you all I will keep you all posted as to my hubby's progress. Here's hoping it's not a bunch of bull.

gsingjane
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Dear Tired, I am glad to

Dear Tired,

I am glad to hear there is some progress in your situation. I will tell you what I tell a lot of folks: keep your hopes high and your expectations low. Gaming addiction is insidious, draining, and horribly difficult to break. Your husband may well intend to walk away from his gaming and never go back. I have no doubt that he actually means it, at least right now. Whether he is actually going to do it is another matter.

I will share our experience. When our son first quit gaming, in June of 2007, he went through terrible withdrawals. But afterwards, when the cravings and the massive outpouring of emotion had passed, he was on a high for a while. He returned to real life, and it was great!

But... he never really dealt with the fact that he was an addict, and neither did we. We all felt it was sufficient for him to "just not game." So, he didn't game, but he was still a gamer if that makes any sense. By the fall of that year, it felt easy and comfortable to slide back into gaming "a little bit." His life since then has been marked by repeated - enforced by us - attempts to quit, cycles of addicted gaming, failure, misery, and guilt - followed by secret returns to gaming, lying and various other serious life effects. Of course I still have hope, he is my son and I love him, but he has one more year in our home, while he takes a run at college (living at home and commuting) and then that's it. While I very much hope this is the year he pulls it together and walks away from gaming for good, frankly, at this point, I doubt it.

I don't tell you this to depress you or to make you feel there is no hope. There is always hope. However, I would also strongly advise against taking further steps, while your husband is early in his recovery, towards more commitments or entanglement. It may be tempting to have a "reunion baby"... I wouldn't! Or buy a house, or move someplace together, or even get a pet. Because if you do, and if he relapses, there you will be, more stuck than ever.

Also, if you can, encourage him to enter counseling, or become part of this site and work the steps, or become part of another fellowship. He's obviously had some pretty serious addiction-related issues in the past, and I'm here to tell you, they won't magically evaporate just because you both want them to.

Jane in CT

JoeD
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Jane, maybe I missed it in

Jane, maybe I missed it in your post, but have you tried to 'discover' what the root cause of his addiction might be? Most people who have an addiction (be is booze or games or gambling) have some root cause that is pushing them towards it, along with probably being naturaly addicted. I never realized it for years, but much of my WoW addiction was tied into other much deeper and more core personal issues

Joe

Mak
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gsingjane wrote: I don't
gsingjane wrote:

I don't tell you this to depress you or to make you feel there is no hope. There is always hope. However, I would also strongly advise against taking further steps, while your husband is early in his recovery, towards more commitments or entanglement. It may be tempting to have a "reunion baby"... I wouldn't! Or buy a house, or move someplace together, or even get a pet. Because if you do, and if he relapses, there you will be, more stuck than ever.

Also, if you can, encourage him to enter counseling, or become part of this site and work the steps, or become part of another fellowship. He's obviously had some pretty serious addiction-related issues in the past, and I'm here to tell you, they won't magically evaporate just because you both want them to.

This strikes me as sound advice. I'm a recovering addict, in early stages, and only beginning to face the root issues. My wife, who urged me to get counseling and to recognize my addiction, is taking an enormous gamble as we move together to take up new jobs... I know she is very scared that it will all be for nought if I relapse. She is angry, too. It will be a while before the relationship is healed and she can trust me again -- assuming I stay the course. I certainly mean to. All of this is to say, it is a rough road, and anything you can do, as the spouse of an addict, to protect yourself and your kids, is good. I think this is a message addicts, or recovering addicts, need to hear -- even though it hurts to be on the receiving end.

gsingjane
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Hi Joe, not to promote a

Hi Joe, not to promote a thread swerve here, but, yes, we have tried, for years, to work with our son to "discover" the "root causes" of his addiction. The more therapists we see, the more diagnoses we receive! I do not mean, at all, to be cynical about counseling or therapy. I recommend it to people all the time and feel it can be extremely helpful in many cases. However, I also think that there can be a certain amount of pressure, especially in the adolescent context, to find a fixable "problem" that can be categorized and treated... perhaps for insurance reasons, I don't know.

Our son has been, at last count, diagnosed with depression, ADD, ADHD and OCD. He is on medication for these conditions and also sees both a drug and alcohol counselor and a psychiatrist. He has also seen a social worker and a talk therapist. He has also had the opportunity to work with a variety of concerned adults, including OLGA members, grandparents, church leaders, Boy Scout leaders, school guidance counselors, and elders in our community. Many people have tried to become involved in our son's life and to extend a helping hand. By and large, he has rebuffed every attempt and has sabotaged every "formalized" attempt to help him, by consistently lying and denying his behavior and motivations.

We could chase our tails indefinitely trying to figure out whether our son's compulsive gaming is a "symptom" or a "cause." In fact, he would love for us to do that. Most of our discussions about his gaming eventually fall into a pattern of his claiming that he has serious psychiatric problems to which his gaming is wholly irrelevant. IOW, he claims that his problems are unrelated to his gaming... he wants to continue to game, no matter what. What I do know is that every time he begins to game, his grades and life in general head right down the tubes. The evidence that we see before us indicates that, regardless of the role gaming plays in his overall psychiatric makeup, every time he starts to play for a significant amount of time, the rest of his life falls apart.

I believe that our son is an extremely immature individual. It may well be that he stopped developing, intellectually and emotionally, at the age at which he first became addicted to gaming (approx. age 12). Certainly, most of the time, it "feels" to us like he's a young teenager in an adult's body. The problem, of course, is that as a person grows up, like it or not, he is required to meet his responsibilities and start learning how to function as an adult.

It may be that the only real "therapy" that will work for our son is having to become independent and function away from the support of his family. I highly doubt that our home environment is SO toxic, SO ruinous, SO detrimental to any healthy development, that we are impeding him from getting on an adult path, but it may be that losing our support is the only thing that will cause this to happen. (Another reason I say that I don't think our family structure has "caused" our son's addiction is that we have three other children who are all functioning, by and large, in a healthy way.)

The one thing we did not do is remove our son from the family altogether and put him in a therapeutic environment. We did not feel, for financial reasons relating to my other son's health problems, as well as the need to send 4 kids to college, that we could do that. But I do believe that we have pretty much tried everything else.

Jane

JoeD
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Jane, I completely

Jane, I completely understand that frustration. I've seen many therapists over the last 10-15 years, and each one was sure they knew what was wrong and within 50 minutes had a treatment (and drugs of course). It was actually only 4-5 years ago that I found a therapist who I said I would not take medication and that I wanted to finally figure things out. You of course know far better than I what makes sense with your child.

armyangell
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Wow, I found out tonight

Wow, I found out tonight that your husband and my boyfriend play in the same alliance in Evony and your story sounds the same as mine. He never talks unless I hear about his "2nd life." It's the only thing that matters to him...I've been angry about it for already over half a year. I don't know what to do anymore because if I'm not dressed scantily or doing something sexy for him, I don't even get a second glance.

Haymal
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Hi armyangell, who's husband

Hi armyangell, who's husband is in the same alliance? Mine? That would be interesting if they are in the same alliance.

Evony has so many servers and so many addicts...but even at that, thanks for coming to the website and sharing! I'm sorry that our stories are the same.

haymal

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