Dang, after hearing so many stories on here, I don't feel quite so alone.
Here is my story - married 15+ years, 2 boys 6 & 9. My wife was introduced to WOW in Nov. of last year, started playing sporadically. Now she comes home, barely says a word to me or the kids, goes to the room and plays all night until ? I sleep in the spare bedroom now, got tired to trying to get her to log of at a reasonable time so I could go to bed.
The weekends are no better, she sleeps in until 11 and then plays all day and night, pretty much ignoring me and the kids.
I have tried to get her to scale back, but no luck. It almost always ends up in a fight, with her getting defensive saying this is how she chooses to spend her spare time. Saying she is stressed, and this is a stress reliever for her.
About once a month, she has a very brief lapse into reality where she admits what she is doing is wrong, and says she will change. It never lasts more than a day or 2. The last time I insisted that she see a counselor, and she finally agreed. He put her on a antidepressant, but I have seen no changes in her gaming activities despite 2 visits to the therapist. I am wondering if she is telling him the truth about her game playing?
She told me last night, that we both have a appointment with the therapist in several weeks. I guess I will find out what she has told him then - we currently barely speak right now, due to her always being online and talking to other gamers all night long. I even have my suspicions that she is having an online affair, don't know for sure though.
I have pretty much decided that is she doesn't stop playing the games altogether, I will go (and try to get the kids). She has proven that she can't regulate her game playing time, and I refuse to be the one reminding her "game time is up", etc. I am pretty sure she will not agree to this.
I just can't believe that she has become this way, she is very smart, has a Masters Degree and great job. It will be hard to live without her, but I feel that I have been living without her for some time now.
I go out and do so many thing with my kids without her, that I already feel like a single Dad. If I invite her to come, she always declines and continues playing her stupid game. I don't invite her any more.
The financial aspect will be tough too, but I can't continue to live like this. I feel very unloved, and I worry about my kids feeling the same way. I try to limit what I say to them about how she is acting, but they know and comment on it frequently.
Pretty sad way to treat the people you supposedly love.
I wish that I could say or do something that could help you, Gary, that you have not already likely read in the other posts, but I cannot think of anything except to say that I realize that you are in a difficult position and I wish you well. However, I do want to comment on the quote above. I am a recovering video gamer (just regular only), although I never played anywhere near as much as you indicate that you wife is doing. However, part of my recovery is getting counseling for my underlying issues. One of these issues is that I did not come from a loving family. I was never abused physically, nor was I put down or directly treated badly emotionally either. However, there was little or no love shown to me. I believe that I have overcome it to a large extent now, but it caused me a number of problems over the years. If your wife is not showing love to you, that hurts you but you are an adult and can handle it reasonably well now because you are mature, plus you can avoid it in the future by doing things like moving away. However, your children do not have the same options as you. They really need to have their mother be there for them. I am glad that you are considering their best interests as well. Although moving away from their mother will be tough, in some ways it will be better as it will make the current implicit separation explicit so that they can move forward with their lives. Nonetheless, I do really hope that your wife wakes up to reality and tries to patch up her life with you and your children.
- John O.
[em]Carpe Diem![/em] (Seize the Day!)
I do really hope that your wife wakes up to reality and tries to patch up her life with you and your children.
You and me both, divorce is the last thing I want. I will not continue to live this way for my children's sake, and mine. What she is doing is very selfish and inconsiderate (her actual words during one of her rare moments of reality), and we don't deserve to be treated this way. If she doesn't want us in her life, well I can make that happen. I would prefer that she wake up and see what she is missing in life.
I started here as a WoW widow too. This often seems like the saddest things when people neglect their families and risk losing them to wake up. However, with that being said, I think counseling helped my husband and I... though there are other things yet to work out... I know where you have been and have footing as to where you might be going. We're all here to help!
"This is the end...." The Doors
Gary, I forgot to comment on the above quote in my last post. I, too, am quite smart, at least in science type areas like math and physics, plus I have a Master's degree (in applied mathematics), and I had work waiting for me (although it is quite good work, I am considering changing careers, but that is another matter) when I was playing video games. Unfortunately, having work, high intelligence and higher education prove to be fairly poor inoculants against the disease of video game addiction. Instead, it takes other, inner qualities to either avoid the addiction in the first place or to get over it when you do have that problem. I hope that your wife can find those qualities within herself to help not only herself, but also you and your kids.
- John O.
[em]Carpe Diem![/em] (Seize the Day!)
Good morning Gary and welcome to OLGA, My heart goes out to you as I can only imagine what it is like to have a love one sucked into gaming as a lifestyle. I am one of those that allowed that it to happen to me. I got sucked into many games over the last 9 years with WOW being the most recent. To me it sounds like your wife is aware she has a problem and either doesn't know how to stop it or hasn't decided that she wants to stop it. Either way SHE has to make that decision. All you can do is to not enable the behavoir. I would move the computer out of the main bedroom and into the spare bedroom so that you can sleep in your own bed. Be open with it with the kids, that mommy is playing her game again. Make her bear her share of the home responsibilities. I would also read through some of the gamer stories if you have the time. Print out a few you think she might be able to relate to and share them with her. Maybe if she realizes she isn't alone, that she isn't the only one that has this problem, she may be able to cope with it a little easier. Just some suggestions based on my time here and on my experience with my alcoholic mom. I hope this helps. Keep coming back, there is support here for you no matter what happens. Kathy
Welcome Gary. I am so sorry for what you are going through. You are absolutely right that your wife is neglecting you and the kids. The reasons she gives for playing are like the ones my daughter would give us. I can imagine that there are some underlying issues that she needs to address. It's a good thing she is in counseling. You said a joint session is in a few weeks. Maybe you can ask to move it up. Rather than focus on what she has told him or her, you need to provide what your are going through from your perspective. That would include the amount of time she is spending gaming and the neglect of you and the kids. It's important to say to her (in that session) how unloved you feel. I hope you can take a little comfort in the fact that she is going to the counseling and 2 visits isn't very much. You don't say how frequent they are. There are times we had to take our daughter to her counselor once a week. It's been a long haul. So hang in there.
Thanks for the encouraging words, that helps some. We actually spoke to each other a bit last night, about what has been going on with our lives. She still doesn't seem to get how neglectful she is being to our children (much less me). She just says that they cause her stress, and she goes into her game to escape. I think it is a BS excuse, raising children is never easy and our are boys. It will certainly not get any easier as they get older, especially if they become distant from her due to her behavior. I am willing to give the therapy some time to work, but she needs to come back to her family soon, or she probably won't have one. I sure am hoping that we can cure this addiction of hers, but it is ultimately up to her. I doubt I can live this way much longer, that's for sure. Gary
I hope these are more words of encouragement. The stress reliever rationale was what we'd hear from our daughter too. If she is so stressed what is she stressed about. That needs to be addressed and I hope she is able to do that with her counselor. I have to say when my kids were 6 and 9 life was a bit easier. This addiction thing has been tough to deal with. A kiss and a hug from an injury or a hurt when they were little seemed so easy by comparison. I yearn for some of those times. Your wife is missing out on some of the best times in your kids' lives and she doesn't seem to realize it. Maybe you can say to her, if you are so stressed with the kids, why don't you two take a weekend away and leave the kids (if possible) with family or friends. If you read enough here, you will see spouses who began turning things around when their partner gave them the ultimatum. Even with us, when I told my husband that I could not take much more if something drastic did not happen with my daughter's gaming, he began to take me more seriously. I was the one who wanted to be more aggressive in how we handled my daughter's problem. We were in therapy (still are) to help us deal with our daughter's problem which was having an adverse effect on our (now 30 year) marriage. Although the counseling started because of us wanting to find ways to cope with our daughter, we have discovered that there are other issues that need to be resolved. So again, be hopeful thatthe therapy will help, give it a little time. If that doesn't work, you might well have to issue the ultimatum.
I have told her about missing out on watching the kids grow up, she doesn't seem to care or think that is is affecting them. She didn't say a single word to them tonite -, like usual I fed them, spent time with them in the evening, and put them to bed. She spent the whole time on the computer - I totally feel like a single parent lately. I am hopeful that the therapy will work. If it comes down to an ultimatum, she is so stubborn that I am pretty sure that she won't change her ways and I will have to follow through. I will use this as a last resort.