In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alone

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fira54
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In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alone

My live in boyfriend of 2 years is an online gaming addict. Its been getting worse and worse as time goes by.

As soon as he comes home, he goes straight to the computer and turns it on. I am lucky if he glances in my direction to say hi to me. Instantly, he sits down to play games. His excuse is that he's worked all day and he deserves to unwind. He games all the way until it is time for bed, and then says he needs to go to bed right away so end of story. This is pretty much everyday.

If he gets up while a game is loading or something, he'll go and love on the cat for a minute, then goes right back to the computer. I feel like I don't even exist!!

I get one of two responses if I interrupt him while he's gaming..one is annoyance. The other is he goes completely mute. I'll ask him a question and he just stares off into space with this blank, sad look on his face.

I have confronted him several times about this, sometimes with sadness and crying and sometimes with anger and even rage!!! I become INFURIATED to sit by and hear him talk and converse and laugh, with these people he's never even really met. Online, he sounds genuinely happy.......I can't remember the last time we've talked and laughed together.

Oh, and of course he blames his constant video game playing on me!! He says because CT is BORING and there's nothing to do here. (But most times when I invite him to join me and friends to go out, he'd rather game!!!)

The only time he ever speaks to me is to "butter me up" and get sex...(of course, he denies this!) as soon as we have sex he's back online or goes to sleep. No bedtime conversation or anything. I always give in because I feel so happy when he actually pays attention to me. but after its done, I feel so used and cheap.

Lately, I have become so sad and depressed my health has been steadily declining. I really love him and I'm not in a position to leave, but I'm definitely at the end of my rope! He ALWAYS picks the video games over me and I'm sick of it!!

Any suggestions??

jsm0807
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

Do you have children with him? If not, don't. You don't say how old you are, but I am guessing in your 20's. You asked for suggestions. It is easier said that done, but I don't see any good option here but to break it off and leave. Do what it takes to get into the position to leave. What would you do if you found out he was cheating on you, stay anyway? He is already telling you how important you are to him by his action (or lack of action) on your behalf. You are still in the romantic stage of your relationship. This should be the time that you are most infatuated with each other. And that leads to the deep, lasting, caring love that most of us want from our mates. By his actions, he is telling you that you are not and will not be the most important person/thing in his life. If you leave, he may come after you, he may not. If you stay, it will likely not get better until HE is ready and who knows when that may be. Love yourself first. All women and men need to be able to support themselves if they ever need to. Find a way to make it on your own. Take six months to make a plan. You have options. You may be able to find a way to support yourself. Ask your family and friends for help or support. If you have children with him, then you need to consider what is best for them first and look at how much importance he places on their needs.

Janet

fira54
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

I'm 27 and luckily we have no children. I know you are right...I know it myself but don't want to acknowledge the truth I guess. He tells me he loves me, but I don't believe it anymore. I can't see any love in his constant ignoring me all of the time. Actions DO speak many volumes!! I just wish there was a way I could just snap him out of it.A :( I know I can't help him though, unless he's willing...and right now he's not.

Gamersmom
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

Welcome! Sometimes leaving is the only thing that will "snap him out of it". It may be the only way to find out if he loves you enough to give up his game. I wish you the best.

"Small service is true service while it lasts.  Of humblest friends, bright creature! scorn not one

The daisy, by the shadow that it casts,

Protects the lingering dewdrop from the sun." -------William Wordsworth

gsingjane
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

Hey, you've already tried to "snap him out of it." If it were that easy to remove an addiction from someone's life, believe me there would be no need for OLGA (or AA, or NA, or...). Don't blame yourself and think there should be some magic key to solve all this and that you're a loser because you didn't think of it. There isn't and you aren't. I completely agree with Janet about your future with your bf... there probably isn't one. This should be the magic, fun stage where the two of you are enjoying your young life together, not the time where you are sitting weeping and seething because he prefers imaginary friends to you. Don't go there. Besides which... and I take this very personally... Connecticut isn't boring! It's great! I don't know where you are, but there are tons of great things to do here, both inside and outdoors (PM me for ideas). As you probably know already - that's just a total excuse anyhow. It may take some time, but you certainly can make a plan for going on with an independent life. Even if it takes a while, you'll be able to do it eventually, and in the meantime you won't feel so helpless. You will feel like you are taking charge, taking back some control in this situation, and that will do wonders for your self-esteem and mood. Take care, be well, Jane in CT

littlefiery
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

Your boyfriend sounds like my husband. The only time he's interested in me is when he wants sex, and he doesn't understand why I feel used and don't give in. He actually told me that he'll get off the computer if I make plans for us - so in other words, "entertain me the right way or it's not worth my time." NORMAL human activities don't appeal to him anymore because his brain is so fried. I can't compete with a video game. Your boyfriend says he plays because it's boring where you live - trust me, he would come up with a reason to play even if you lived in New York City. You're so right when you say that actions speak louder than words. How long are you willing to accept him choosing the game over you? Don't you deserve better? What's keeping you there?

John of the Roses
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

Addiction to a video game is a family disease. A It will affect 4-10 people around the addict. A We did not cause it, we cannot cure it, and we cannot control it despite that is what we want to do. A In the course of this disease we will in all likelihood become as sick or sicker than the addict. A Anxiety and sufferring and even spiritual sickness can result. A At OLGA, we ask you to turn your focus inwards to yourself. I was a gamer for six years during my relationship with my wife. A When we were just together, I would play a LOT, but not to any detriment to our budding love. A Except that i would often lie and feign sickness in order to play. A After we moved in together and became engaged, I would lie about my gameplay. A She used to tell me "I Hate the Game!" Now, I am the family member/spouse of a gamer. A She can literally play mind-numbing silly games like alchemy and free cell for hours. A We sit at computer desks that face each other so we could see each others face, presumably to be more affectionate. A But I have become the recovering addict and she has begun to play increasingly more and more, neglecting simple things like cooking, laundry and being here "with me". A I am frustrated but have hope. We talk about it sometimes and she can recognise some of the symptomology. A By turning my focus inwards to myself I am actually doing the same healing as any game widower would. A No one understands our problem better than the group collective of the family and friends of the gamer. A I am on the other side of the table now. A I can now see for myself that this is a lonely and terrifying road. A I can actually find hope here at OLGAnon as a participant. It is important for me to remember that I am not alone. A I can find a lot of hope and encouragement here at OLGA/OLGAnon. I am no longer alone!

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone

fira54
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

Thank you everyone for your advice, it has been very helpful. I do know the best thing at this point is to leave and now I am just priming myself up for what needs to take place. Things have gotten even worse around here since Call of Duty 4 has come out. Now, not only so I get ignored all of the time but I have to hear the gameplays and interactions CONSTANTLY. He is pushing me to the brink of insanity with this constant gameplaying and noise I am more than fed up with his lame excuses to top it off. I AM DONE!!! I love him but if he can't see what's right here in front of his face now then he never will.

FreeSpirit
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

Dear fira54, I'm an addict myself but been away from the game over 8 weeks and therefor my thinking is now clearer, and I can totally relate to both you and your boyfriend. If you don't know it already, his ignoring you has nothing to do with YOU. If he didn't have the addiction he would be there for you and love you (probably) but now he's too deep in the addiction and closed down (it's sad yeah). So what can you do? You've tried yelling and crying, and my suggestion really is to take care of yourself. Work on you, however you need it to be done, by coming here sharing and doing steps, read about co-dependency, go see a therapist and so on. I know you will make good decisions for yourself. Instead of wasting time on him, put the time on YOU. Blessings, Anne

shiva
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo
Quote:

I know you are right...I know it myself but don't want to acknowledge the truth I guess. He tells me he loves me, but I don't believe it anymore. I can't see any love in his constant ignoring me all of the time. Actions DO speak many volumes!!

Problem is that he DOES love you ... The best way to actually make him FEEL it is to pack your things and move out and tell him you are done with him. If he loves you, which he very probably does, he will VERY probably try and stop you ... Then you are in a position to dictate changes. Sad, but thatA's the only way I believe it works.

LoriDee
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

But you also have to be prepared for the fact that it may not work. When you leave, it can't be a manipulation to try to get him to do one thing or another, it has to be because you are really ready to leave. Just MHO.

mariegt
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

One more thing, if you do decide that leaving is the thing you want to threaten him with...then you must be prepared to follow through with it and actually leave. Otherwise, he will always feel as though he has the power over you to make you relent to his feelings.

needhelp
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo
"fira54 " wrote:

Things have gotten even worse around here since Call of Duty 4 has come out. Now, not only so I get ignored all of the time but I have to hear the gameplays and interactions CONSTANTLY. He is pushing me to the brink of insanity with this constant gameplaying and noise I am more than fed up with his lame excuses to top it off.

I was afraid I was the only one who was pushed to the brink of insanity by the noise of the game.A My life partner (well not for much longer :'() will wear headphones some of the time, but not all the time.A Then sometimes in the night I hear people talking out loud from the computer.A It is like we have a host of people in the house.A It makes me crazy.A I just posted that I have found an apartment and will be moving out at the end of the month.A I am looking forward to the peace and quiet. I am with you in spirit fira54 and I wish for you the best.A Try to stay strong and do what you can to keep yourself sane and safe. Teresa

FreeSpirit
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

I speak for myself. And I can say that being a gaming addict is like having an affair, or be on drugs. You're in love with your addiction, and NOTHING else matters as much as that game. Not my children, my spouse, my work, my rl friends, not myself. It is :'( :'( Today, I just pray that if I ever fall into addiction of that kind again, that my husband will take care of HIMSELF and our kids, and not go into co-dependency. Today, I would've not blamed him for leaving, altho it didn't get that far (thank HP). I believe it can be a great wake-up call if your spouse leaves you, and if it's not, well.... hopefully one day the addict will wake up, even if it takes some help, but the help has to come from the right source, not from being co-dependant!

fira54
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

Well the good news is that emotionally, I am gone. Physically though it is another story because our living situation is a bit rough right now. it's my name that's on the lease and to be quite honest, I couldn't afford this apartment alone if he moved out. I have emotionally detached myself from him though and I am not turning back at this point. You can only ignore a person for so long before it becomes quite obvious that they just aren't important enough to you. He has shown me what's important to him and I hope he and his Playstation have a happy life together. :D

jsm0807
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

You need to spend the time to make plans for your life without him. Find your own outlets. Search out housing that you can afford. Look up old friends or go back to old hobbies or interests. Contact long lost family members. Start thinking about what you would really like to be doing and make a plan to get on that road. Sure, you'll have rough spots and detours, but the more you plan and the more determined you are to have your happy and fulfilled life, the more likely you will be able to make the changes to make it happen. Being emotionally detached protects your heart right now, but it can also keep you from feeling good, so you don't want to live the rest of your life in emotional detachment. But if he doesn't change, that would be your life. He may discover he is sooooo wrong and try to change for you. Be careful and watchful if that happens. Or, he may do nothing. It will be a painful way of affirming what you suspect, that you are not the most important thing in his life. Make a plan.

Janet

brita5660
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

this is the first time i've been here, but I totally relate to everything you say. every single day from the time he got home until he went to sleep he played. until our son was born...i thought if anything can make him stop this will. but guess what? on the night of our sons birth he left the hospital to go home and "feed the dogs" yeah, he signed on for just a sec...B.S. (he came back later that night) he does spend some time with our son though about an hour when he gets home, and if he has to watch him while i go out ....in the swing the baby goes..the only other thing he does is play disk golf he recently started doing that, he likes it quite a bit .......and i am happy for him ,but in all reality it hasn't lessoned his game play.......our romance is gone we didn't have sex for a year (OMG!!) then after my pregnancy only twice....and now your up to date. it makes me feel like unlovable worthless crap. and when you said that part about the two responses...he's EXACTLY the same way....even when hes not playing....and he gets angry very easily especially when I talk about his WOW addiction. Also he's excuse is also , THERES NOTHING ELSE TO DO. (I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN) He knows he's addicted, he'll admit it but he doesn't care because that's what he likes to do. "At least he's not out partying and doing drugs all the time" And we argue practically everyday. Even on the day our son was born. I been searching for a while now for the source of our problems and I believe I just found it. It great to know that I am not the only one.

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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo

Brita, you are not alone. There are many of us walking this same road with you... those of us on this board, and those of us who know that something is very, very wrong with their loved one and his/her gaming, but haven't quite put a name to it yet. Please read, and post, and share... we are here for you. Jane in CT, mom to Willyhog

SnowWhite
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Re: In need of support..I am so depressed and feeling so alo
"brita5660 " wrote:

THERES NOTHING ELSE TO DO. (I LIVE IN A SMALL TOWN) He knows he's addicted, "At least he's not out partying and doing drugs all the time"

These two comments sound just like what I got from my husband and the counselors we tried to see to help us. I finally found one counselor that made a bunch of sense. She said that he turned to gaming to relieve stress, to be a hero because he could be feeling like he's failing in real life, etc. Stuff like that just made a bunch of sense to me, really. Though I know I'm not alone in what I went throug - husband is now recovered and not allowed on a computer period - I'm the only one of my kind who ever stays around on this board to see lots of partners of gamers come and go, all the while sharing their lives. We're all in this together. I hope you can find some camraderie here and courage.

"This is the end...." The Doors

aloneathome
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Hi Teresa and fira...we live

Hi Teresa and fira...we live in the countryside in France and one night, not long ago, I woke up to loud gunshots that I thought were coming from outside! People hunt here quite frequently....so, I was pretty scared that they would be shooting so close to our house...but, it turned out to be 'gunshot' noises from the game my SO was playing downstairs..... I'm sure one day I'll be able to laugh about it...like he did...sigh. The noises really, honestly bring me to the brink of insanity...I raised four kids...I thought I would be finished with having to listen to these noises from the computer. I am so looking forward to moving out and to finding my own place...I won't be able to afford a computer or maybe not even a television for awhile, but believe me, i'm looking forward to the peace and silence. eta: I'm still learning how to post on here...I wanted to reply to post #12...

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aloneathome, I am sorry to

aloneathome, I am sorry to hear about your various problems, including the disturbing noises such as gunshots coming from the computer. As somebody who is normally used to relative peace and quiet, but has been in noisy environments in the past, I can understand how desirable it will be for you to move on, at least in that aspect. As for trying to reply to post #12, please note that for various design reasons, all replies are effectively treated as being of the original post and, thus, are always placed at the very end of the thread. In other words, the threads are "flat" rather than being multi-level whereby there can be any number of levels of replies within replies that can sometimes be quite hard to follow. Nonetheless, if you wanted to reference a particular part of post #12, a good way to do that would be to use the quote button and then removing any text that you do not want to have included.

- John O.

[em]Carpe Diem![/em] (Seize the Day!)

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fira54 - I know it is hard

fira54 - I know it is hard to live in an environment were you feel used and neglected. Once you have emotionally checked out of the relationship, it can be painful to physically stay around that person. Your homes should be your sanctuary, not a place of tension and hostility. Is there any possibility of getting a roommate to help pay rent? Are you in a 2 bedroom? If it is a 1 bedroom, you still may have options. Most places (at least in my state) allow you to bail on a lease with a one month notice and a small fee. Have you asked your landlord about options? You donaEU(tm)t have to tell them your whole break-up story, just tell them you are having aEUoefinancial difficultiesaEU making the rent and would like a to find a cheaper place. This is not a lie because you would have problems making the rent on your own. I would like to think that you leaving him would turn him around, but we canaEU(tm)t control the actions of others. Remember, you decision to leave is not about power or control over the relationship (or even him) - it is about power and control over YOUR LIFE! You deserve a loving relationship. If he can not be that for you, then it is time to find someone who can. As an ex-addict myself, I truly believe he does love you, but he will love his addiction more until he works on getting rid of it. You always have options.

Until we are tested, how do we know if we will pass?

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