Not only the man

10 posts / 0 new
Last post
lonelyboy
Offline
Last seen: 10 years 11 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 06/25/2008 - 5:25am
Not only the man

Hi there,

I found this site today and started reading the forums. I noticed that most posts are women talking about men but at my place it is the other way around: My wife is the addict (in my eyes).
Its not only men playing there are women to and they can make it even harder than me.
My wife is playing WoW for 2 years now. We are married for almost 11 years now. We have 2 kids: 17 and 15. I have tried the following:
Crying, screaming, silence, walk away. At last I took of my wedding ring (03:30 AM) and placed it next to her keyboard. Than I told her we had 2 options: Counselling or a lawyer. She agreed to get counselling. We had 1 session and some deals where set:
1. She can play on Wednesday and Friday evening
2. I should not complain, sigh if she plays on that days.

Well that lasted for 2 whole weeks. Yesterday (Tuesday) she decided she wanted to play. I left the room, went upstairs and started reading a book, angry. Just after 10 o'clock she came up and asked me if I was mad at her. I told her yes. Than she asked me to come down. I denied. I stayed and finished my book.

This morning we did not speak. I kissed her goodbye and left for work. I am at the point where I don't really care any more. She is in denial and I can't get through. I was hoping the first session would open her eyes a bit but I was wrong (again). Maybe we have another change next Monday when we have another session but I don't know if she will be home when I get there. She is blaming me. I restrain her, she needs time alone (she is a housewife and I work 50 hours a week), she has all kind of reasons why she should play and she tells me I should shut up. I am really desperate. Should I block the WoW ports on the firewall? I know we will have a hell of a fight over it and I don't think I can take it.

John of the Roses
John of the Roses's picture
Offline
Last seen: 3 years 6 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 01/23/2007 - 5:12pm
Congrats on finding a

Congrats on finding a therapist who understands that gaming can be a problem! That is very fortunare. A lot of people can not find one that believes that there is a possibility even that games can be destructive. Of course, her addiction will not go away overnight. It took her a while to get addicted and it will take time for her to develop new habits to get past this. Even small steps will be positive ones. Give her more time. She messed up once, go to the therapist again and she how it goes. I am an ex- wow player and I know how it can be grueling to quit. I am also the husband of a gamer, who is struggling with the acceptance of her gaming. She is almost to the point of excessive but it is not damaging our relationship, yet. I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope you continue to keep communication open with your wife and keep us informed as to how everything works out.

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone

gsingjane
gsingjane's picture
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 7 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 06/05/2007 - 2:28pm
Hi LB, you are right that a

Hi LB, you are right that a lot of our threads lately have involved wives married to addicted husbands, but you're certainly not the first husband we've had... we also have had same-sex couples and this addiction seem very democratic in that regard! Sad to say! Just like with handling any addiction, it may take your wife a few tries to actually stop. Many times people have to sort of take a "trial run" at it - maybe even more than a few times - before the quitting sticks for good. John, above, is right when he says it isn't nearly time to make a final decision just yet. That said, believe me, I understand the frustration and rage you feel at your wife's behavior - many of us "loved ones" feel like heaving the computer straight out the window (shortly followed by the gamer!!!). But if your wife sincerely wants to quit, and it sounds like at least part of her does, you can let her have this one slip. One thing to raise with your therapist, also, is whether, especially given what's just happened, there is any "safe" level of WoW playing for your wife. Many gamers fantasize about "controlling" their playing, yet for certain people this is no more do-able than it would be for an alcoholic to hang out in a bar and just have one beer. We certainly saw, with our addicted gamer son, that there was basically NO level of WoW playing that didn't lead, sooner or later, straight back down the slippery slope of full-blown obsession. I would definitely raise this and also raise the issue with your wife, that it might have to be "not at all" rather than "just sometimes." Good luck, and peace, to you. Keep coming back, okay? Jane in CT

satyag
Offline
Last seen: 10 years 9 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 02/02/2007 - 8:18am
If you read long enough here

If you read long enough here you will find people whose wives have the problem. I'm the only mom here I think with a daughter who games. The counseling is a good start but expect that despite what your wife agrees to at the therapist at any given time, there's going to be backtracking at home. This happened many times with our daughter and not just on the gaming issue. It seems that she does want to try since she so readily agreed to counseling and it may be that she is looking for something to occupy her. If she has been a stay at home mom and the kids are ready to launch into adulthood, she may be in a transitional stage of 'now what do I do'. Also when you get mad (and we all do--the frustration is unbelievable) and try to tell her not to game, she may experience this as controlling (heard it from my daughter all the time). She needs to understand that it isn't about controlling her as it is that you are concerned about the toll this is taking on her health and your relationship. Good luck and keep up with the counseling.

nestki
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 4 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 05/31/2008 - 10:28am
I think you are doing the

I think you are doing the right things. I think you should let your genuine feelings be your feelings. Whether you understand how she is feeling or not, it is okay for you to be angry and hurt, because you ARE angry and hurt. If you worry about how you "should" feel, that is going to confuse the issue and also make it harder for your therapist to understand what is going on. Your behavior, what you do with your feelings, can always be adjusted, but your feelings are what they are. Also, if you are consistent with your feelings, that will make it easier for your wife to make her decisions. Do try to keep the counselor on track if the counselor gets too involved with your feelings and starts focusing on you. You are a part of the picture, but you are not the whole picture, and if there are issues with your relationship with your wife, or with anyone's past, they are overlaid by the game addiction, so the game addiction needs to be addressed first. Best wishes from Nestki

lonelyboy
Offline
Last seen: 10 years 11 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 06/25/2008 - 5:25am
I want to thank you all for

I want to thank you all for the kind words. I think one of the problems is that I blamed myself. It was convinced it was my fault that she acted that way. She is a grown up, she should be able to make her own decisions. I have struggled with this alone for more than a year now. It is good to read that more people have the same (confusing) feelings that I have. I think the solution has to come from her but I love her and I see what is happening. I try to help and all I get is a smack in the face (not for real I am a lot stronger than her. The part that worries me most is that if I say something about her behavior she always manages to turn the table around and makes me the guilty party. And I know its not my problem but she keeps pushing and pushing. I love her very much but I wonder how much I can bare before I break.

BigH501
BigH501's picture
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 1 month ago
OLGA member
Joined: 12/15/2006 - 10:31am
Sometimes things have to be

Sometimes things have to be "broken" before they can be fixed... :( She will have to "bottom out" before she can really start to recover. What will it take for her... ? Every person is different.

" ... don't question it just go" "... where the body goes the mind will follow"
.
Borrowed from "Desire to Stop"

gsingjane
gsingjane's picture
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 7 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 06/05/2007 - 2:28pm
It is very, very common for

It is very, very common for addicts to twist around everything that the loved one says and does, to place blame and responsibility for the state of things, everywhere but where it should be... on the addict. For some reason, I have noticed that many of the addicted spouses and children are particularly good at this: making the non-addicted person feel as if somehow the compulsive gaming is their fault, that if they were a better parent, or spouse, or friend, that the gaming wouldn't be happening. This of course compounds the "natural" guilt we all feel, that somehow we did have a part to play in it. Just remember, if we had that much control over the addict in the first place, then when we said "stop," they would. And they're sure not doing that, are they? Jane

SnowWhite
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 1 month ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/16/2007 - 12:04pm
I am so sorry you're having

I am so sorry you're having to go through this. It seems the widows section is picking up more steam here lately... it's really imparitive that you stick to your guns, my friend. Rules and boundaries are a huge necessity for a relationship to heal.... Please, hang in there and come visit if you need support

"This is the end...." The Doors

satyag
Offline
Last seen: 10 years 9 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 02/02/2007 - 8:18am
It's not your fault. She has

It's not your fault. She has to take responsibility for what she does. Same experience here, the addict always finding a way to turn something around and blame everyone and everything else but herself.

Log in or register to post comments