Now I understand why my relationship failed

13 posts / 0 new
Last post
Troixa
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 6 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 10/10/2006 - 4:30pm
Now I understand why my relationship failed

I happened upon your site today. Here is a brief synopsis of my sitch.
I met a 30 year old guy that was the sweetest thing. A few months of dating, and he moved in. A bit fast, but now I know it was for my gig backbone and ligtning fast connection. Keep in mind, I didn't know he played Lineage II till he moved in. He quickly started ignoring me and lost his job, played L2 for hours and hours, and never even came to bed with me. I couldn't figure out why he said he loved me and then ignored me. So I even started playing the game, can't beat them join them, right? NOT!
Lets jump forward to five months later. He finally went back to work, but got really grumpy and depressed. He never made dinner, never cleaned or did maintanance on our vehicles, I paid for everything because his meager salary went to paying for 12 accounts of L2, and the time cards to bot his accounts to high levels! I got sick of it and kicked him out. He now lives at home with his parents (again he's 30) and stays up all night until they yell at him or yank the power cord to his computer and force him to go to bed. He says he wants to reconcile. But when we go to dinner, all he talks about is our characters in game!
I wish I had known about online gaming addiction when he moved in and set up his computer. This all makes sense now. He isn't living in reality, he's addicted to L2. I don't need help quitting, I barely play now but for siege once ever two weeks for two or three hours. But how do you convince someone like my ex that he needs help?? He will never amount to anything as long as he plays this game. He will never have a life, never go to school, and will never have a family. Is there an intervention you can do for someone like him? He denies he has a problem and chides me for not logging in enough (!!) He compares it to people watching TV...should I try to help or just wash my hands of him. We are still friends... but only when I log in and get in vent LOL. Any advice to help me help my ex?

Xandtar
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 04/09/2003 - 7:42am
Re: Now I understand why my relationship failed

Welcome.

It sounds pretty hopeless for now, he sounds barely functional and still dropping. I know that my wife makes a big difference for me, but I wanted to quit and it doesn't sound like he wants to, I'm sorry.

As sad as it seems to be, you might be better off cutting your losses and save yourself. Only you can say that for sure though.

Good luck to you.

Leveling in Real Life

anonymous (not verified)
Re: Now I understand why my relationship failed

As long as he denies that there is a problem, there is no problem ... for him. For everyone else there is. I second Xandtar. Addicts can be helped, but only when they want to help themselfes...stay in touch with him, as you said, he is a nice guy when he is not on his L2 drug. But donA't get your hopes too high either.

Maybe sending him to this site might help, though if he is in the state that it seems to me he is, he is hopeless for now.

Sorry

------------------
What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.

InSomeNiak
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 6 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 01/27/2006 - 5:43am
Re: Now I understand why my relationship failed

"I second Xandtar."

And I third it. He most likely has many underlying problems. (maybe depression or something) And if you're not ready to, or interested in dealing with that kind of thing (and it sounds as though you're not) then you should just cut your losses now then. Find someone else who has the qualities that you are looking for instead.

Troixa
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 6 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 10/10/2006 - 4:30pm
A Hope? Interesting turn of events...

All right, this might get long winded, but I'll try to keep it short.
After posting the other day, I figured all was lost for my ex. So I figured why play anymore at all? I've lost interest in the game, my chars are max level, and its almost snowboard season. So I signed on last night to start selling gear and get my chars ready to sell on ebay. my ex pm'd me right away and was quite hateful at first. He asked what I was doing and why I hadn't been on. So I told him I was done and selling everything. He freaked out. He was saying things like "how could I desert him and clan". Right befroe we broke up, he and his friend from AZ, started a new clan. Part of the reason we broke up is because he had always been deeply involved with the game. But with the formation of the new clan, he became an officer (as did I) and he went way overboard. So I kicked him out. Its been two or three months now, and he is head archer. I was the highest level dagger in clan, so that party became mine. But I haven't been playing much at all, so they have given it to someone else who caught me in level. I'm pretty sure the only reason they haven't booted me is because of my ex. But who cares?
Anyway, so he's watching my sell shop, and seeing how cheap I'm selling all my gear, and its going quick cause I really don't give a @#%$ anymore. And finally he starts talking to me like an adult. I told him the game was evil, and he agreed with me! I told him he had no balance in his life and that the game was consuming him, and he agreed! He offered to detag and quit...but I don't want him to resent me so I told him that wasn't necessary. (probably much to his relief) So he said the game was all he had left in his life since I kicked him out. And I told him that before he moved his computers in we were happy. We laughed and went places and he would play with my son. He said he thought we were happier then to. So I told him he had to make a choice, between me and my son and the game. He said he wanted me and my son. So I told him that all a long he has been saying that, but then he always chose to stay home and play L2 instead of coming to hang out with us. He said he wouldn't do that anymore and offered to log out and come over. I told him no. I told him he really needed to think about what I needed from him. I told him the game was destroying him financially and professionally and he needed to decide if he wants a home and a family or Pixels on a computer screen. He said he wants a home and a family.
Ok, so the end result is, he is supposed to come spend the weekend with us. Help me move furniture, fix the toilet, go to a movie, you know that stuff. Its a siege weekend, and he offered to not sign in all weekend. I told him the door to my computer room would be locked all weekend. He said he realizes he plays too much and that he needs to stop.
Ok, the conundrum. He has offered to quit the game for me before. When we first started playing together, I told him the game would be the death of us, and he said he would quit before he let that happen. But he ended up letting it kill us anyway and losing me and my son. So now he has nothing but the game. So after me playing for 9 months, and him playing for 2.5 years, can he really quit? Will he really quit? Do I give him ultimatums? Or do I make him chose and let him sink or swim? I am not an addict, never have been to anything. I watched my little sis battle meth and couldn't understand it, nothing has ever had that much pull or control over my life. I don't understand the "need" for this stupid game. I sign on to f around, for a few hours once every two or three weeks. He rushes home and is on from the time he walks in the door to the last second his parents make him sign out. He told me he hasn't had a haircut since he left two months ago. I used to have to beg him to go get his and my sons hair cut once a week. How do I handle this? I am a computer geek, I have five computers in my house, all very high speed with great vid cards in them. Should I shut off the internet?
I think he knows the game is bad, I'm not sure he see's his addiction. I'm hoping we can talk about that this weekend. I don't know how to handle this situation. I believe people should make their own choices and that he is an adult. So how do I handle this, what do I do? What do I say? Please give me advice, he has so much potential, but this game, like meth with my sister, is destroying his future. From watching my little sister and meth, no one could force her to quit, she had to finally hit rock bottom and want to quit before she was able to beat it. And then she still relapses twice. I am happy to say she has been clean for a year, is getting married and is pregnant and very happy. She wanted to start playing the game and I forbid her to. Made her call her sponsor, who thankfully, was familiar with game addiction and told her not to, so she didn't.
Anyway, is this a sign of hope for my b/f? This is not about us getting back together, he has so much work to do on himself before we can go there. He knows he is sleeping in the guest room this weekend. But should I hope and try to help him? Or walk away??? HELP, I need help to help him, he is such a sweetheart when he's not playing this game.

InSomeNiak
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 6 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 01/27/2006 - 5:43am
Re: A Hope? Interesting turn of events...

Well, it's hard to give advice on something like this, so much is a stake; peoples' lives, happiness, etcetera.
"Ok, the conundrum. He has offered to quit the game for me before. When we first started playing together, I told him the game would be the death of us, and he said he would quit before he let that happen. But he ended up letting it kill us anyway and losing me and my son. So now he has nothing but the game. So after me playing for 9 months, and him playing for 2.5 years, can he really quit? Will he really quit? Do I give him ultimatums? Or do I make him chose and let him sink or swim?"

Honestly, I doubt he will quit. I think he'll get confortable with you again and slowly get more and more back into the games. You never know though. You can't predict what someone is going to do. But i've been there and done that myself. And you said he has before too.
My ex broke up with me twice and I always would get comfortable again. Three strikes and I was out! She mentioned that I couldn't provide the security that she needed and that she didn't want me to change for her and resent her for that. (so, make what you want out of that ) And it took me another four years to realize many of my problems. And another year to move towards reducing my gaming.

Now, your situation is a bit different than mine. We had no clue about gaming addiction. So we didn't really know what caused me to be so unmotivated. And I do have other problems as well. (depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, etc.) If I had actually known how to 'fix' myself then an ultimatum would have worked. But I had no clue what was wrong or what to do about it. As I said he most likely has other problems - underlying reasons that he 'needs' to game - needs to escape into a fantasy world and become someone else - become a hero. This is what he needs to discover and correct if he's going to stay away from gaming addiction.

I still play, myself. The only thing that's saved me is mainly having a computer with a crappy video card and dial-up internet during the week, in which I almost never play any games. On the weekends I go to my gaming computer with cable internet and binge on FPS and racing games. But the main thing for me is to avoid RPGs and especially MMORPGs. Because that is what really gets me lost. I become that character and live in that world and never want to leave. My weekend binges aren't healthy but it's a major improvement. It will take time and a positive change in my life-situation before I can stop playing altogether or just a few hours a week. I've had a depression coming on now for the past month and I start thinking about playing an MMORPG but I must not. My problems drive me to escape.
I would say give him a chance but be prepared if he should dissappoint you. And become more active rather than passive about finding out why he feels the need to escape the world and how he can improve himself and his life so that he doesn't have an obsessive need to escape into a fantasy world.

Maybe it's a simple as finding out if he really wants to change or if he just wants to do it to get you back. If he really wants to better himself and reduce/quit his gaming then he'll make at least some sort of effort at understanding more about his problems and how to correct them.

Good luck to the both of you!

Xandtar
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 04/09/2003 - 7:42am
Re: A Hope? Interesting turn of events...

If he wants to quit, but needs help to stay clean, you can make a difference, my wife sure does for me. He needs to invest several hours into studying this site, the stories about falling and recovery. How awful it feels when you've first quit, how lonely and slow, as the minutes tick away that you've never even noticed in your 18 hour marathons. How the first rush of pride in your two or four weeks of success leads into lying to yourself that you can handle it again, just cut back a bit, but that never works and you end up demoralized, back on the wagon and hopefully trying again. How you fear how others will perceive you if you admit to being an addict to something they think is nuts, or ashamed if you don't admit it, as you fight your inner battles to get better, to be the person you really want to be but wonder if you can ever be that person again.

How, if you stick with it though, it can work. That you can become the father and companion, maybe not the one you were before the game changed you, but still one that is functional and good for his family. How, if you fight both the urge and the pride, you can become a person who others can emulate. How you can make a difference that isn't measured in pixels. How you can recover, and get your life back.

For me, the urge to play never really ends, I'm an addict and after 35 years or so of gaming addiction I suspect I always shall be. But I don't play, and my wife's iron will and the certain knowledge that if I do sink back into the games I'll be unlikely to see my younger son ever again, gives me strength.

You may be a source of his strength, if he is serious about ending gaming. But he needs to end it. Not next month, or next year. He needs to end it, right then, with you there, once and for all. It sounds like he is ready to make that commitment. Do you have any family or old friends of his who can help you in what might be called an intervention? It might help if you did.

Whatever happens, I wish you all the best. Good luck to you.

Leveling in Real Life

Troixa
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 6 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 10/10/2006 - 4:30pm
Re: A Hope? Interesting turn of events...

I know that his mom and step dad, his dad and his sister have all commented that he wastes his life playing that game, but they are all angry at me for kicking him out and hurting him. He didn't tell them that he never contributed to the home, or my complaints about being ignored and him getting snappy when my son would beg him to build lego's with him. So I don't think I can contact any of them at this point, thats going to have to come from him. But this would be so much easier if his mom would just shut off the internet.
I am torn. Part of me thinks he wants to quit. Part of me thinks he just wants me back and will say anything at this point. He has said he wants to quit several times in the past 9 months that I have known him, but he always just keeps on playing. I think a part of him knows it is destroying his future, he isn't stupid by any means.
So you say your wife's iron will helps you. What do I do? Demand he quit and try to show him how much better the real world is? I thought about taking a drive up to the mountains with him, he likes to backpack, but doesn't cause he is always at his computer. My question is, do I encourage him to go cold turkey? Ask him to take an extended break? Limit him to two or three nights a week? I don't think the latter will work. He'll just get sucked into longer and longer periods at the computer. He knows its bad, and I think his playing has gotten worse since we broke up, he tells me it is all he has left since I booted him.
I think a main motivating factor for him, besides the fact that I'm going to tell him this is his one and only shot at getting me back, will be money. He is broke, can barely make his car payment, and half the time it bounces when he does. He knows he doesn't have the money to play, and so do his friends. The pay for a couple of his accounts and help him get gear in game, addicts love company.
I'm going to make a statement to him when I see him on Friday. Instead of selling my gear and chars, I'm going to delete them. Maybe that will help him to see that they/the game just doesn't matter? Its so not important, it doesn't help anyones career, doesn't help the world, doesn't make you a better person or even teach you anything that transfers to the real world. Should I have him with me when I do this? Do I ask him to go cold turkey and if he says no walk away?
He was so happy when we first met and he was only playing two days a week....

Xandtar
Offline
Last seen: 5 years 2 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 04/09/2003 - 7:42am
Re: A Hope? Interesting turn of events...

You are still meeting him halfway.

My wife doesn't.

You see, I want to be off the games.

And she is absolutely inflexible about my gaming, ANY is too much. Even one MINUTE. She says, "It's like giving an alcoholic a drink. If he's that disfunctional, its like gambling."

I personally would rather be functional. That it keeps my wife happy is a great bonus!

Leveling in Real Life

anonymous (not verified)
Re: A Hope? Interesting turn of events...

I am not able to answer all the questions you pose, itA's for you to decide, but I do agree with the other brothers here:
Give him a chance, an ultimatum, like you already did: either you or the game. Either his real future or virtual fame.

Make some sort of written contract, maybe no gaming at all for 30 or 60 days .. his "responsibilities" to the guild nonwithstanding ...

then 2-3 days a week certain hours. If he breaks them even once, he is put onto cold turkey and the game and his accounts get deleted. / he gets kicked out of your home again

A contract like this, pinned to a place he can see and your own determination to pull it through, which you have demonstrated by kicking him out once already should help a great deal.

And yes, send him to this site, let him read about other peoplesA' adventures...

Good luck to you both

------------------
What you think, you create. What you say, you produce. What you do, you call forth more of.

SnowWhite
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 1 month ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/16/2007 - 12:04pm
Re: A Hope? Interesting turn of events...

I've just done the same thing. It's not easy. It really sucks. I have put limits on my husband and he never heeded them. He had the nerve - in our break up fight - to say if I would only let him play the hours he needs, he could sell quicker. My logical brain translated that to "I can get a one month binge if you let me" Sad thing, my brother plays - he's 28 and has a wife been divorced 2 times already - and his wife says it's okay because its games or drugs. So my husband wants to know why he can't play like my brother. OMG! One addiction for another. Hold your ground. Go to dialup and fix it all! I'm here for ya!

"This is the end...." The Doors

Troixa
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 6 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 10/10/2006 - 4:30pm
Well I guess we'll see

Hmmm, well here's what happened.
I decided if he wants to quit, he's going to have to make that decision. I won't force him. I told him I wouldn't come second to a video game, and that if he didn't quit we were done.
So he came over Friday, we had dinner, played with my son, watched a movie, and then went to bed. Got up the next morning, and he wanted to sign on to see how everyone was. So I thought ok. We went into my computer room, he signed on on one machine, I signed on on the other...and deleted my dagger while he was watching. He freaked out. He was apalled I had deleted such a high level char and was almost physically ill over it. So there was no talking to him at that point. He left, and we didn't talk till that night. He came over, sieged from my computer room while I played with my son. Then we watched a movie, I fell asleep, and he played till the wee hours of the morning. We got in a fight, he left.
A couple of his friends from in game called me, and they want to know why I am suddenly out of game and wanting him to quit. I told them what he chooses to do with his life is up to him, but as for me, I'm not going to waste another day in front of the computer while the beautiful days outside pass me by. They don't get it, LOL. They are encouraging him to keep playing. I am tempted, so tempted, to report him for botting. Get all his accounts banned. But what would that solve? Its still forcing him to quit. He would probably just start new accounts, bot them up, and stay addicted.
He needs to come to this decision on his own, I'm not going to force it or try to make it happen, cause then it would be false. So I am moving on. I told him it was all or nothing, quit and be with me and have a family, or stop calling and forget about me. He again, said he wants us, not the game. So ball is in his court. I don't think it will happen anytime soon. But I'm not waiting for him to get his life on track anymore. I'm going to tell him that I'm going to start dating again the next time we talk. There is a guy that has expressed interest in me and when we talked last night, I found out he does not play MMORPG's or any video games. So thats a plus. This will be one of my new questions I ask potential's from now on, just like I ask if they are addicted to drugs or alcohol. This addiction is as bad as those I think.
My son and I went for a walk yesterday, and he asked if he could play his char when we got home. I told him we wouldn't be playing that game anymore, but that we could play super mario cart together. We had a great day and he mentioned he hated when my ex would sit downstairs and play that game and ignore him. I told him I didn't think we were getting back together and he said that was ok with him, because he thought Dan loved his char more than he loved us. Funny when a six year old can see the truth, but a thirty year old can't.
I feel for all you spouses and significant others that are going through this. I don't have kids with my ex, we aren't married, it is pretty easy for me to move on. It hurts, but I'm not bound to him by anything other than love. And like I said, I won't come second to a video game. Snowwhite, your baby is beautiful, you are lucky to have such joy in your life. I can't give you advice, I've seen so many guys and girls leave their relationships when their loved ones asked them to quit. I know how they talk about the nagging wife/husband in vent, and your hubby's in game friends are not helping your cause, I gaurantee you that. Hold your ground honey, no r/l person should be less important than a bunch of pixels.
Thank you to everyone that has been so supportive, but I don't have much hope for Dan and I now. Its like he is lighting a crack pipe everytime he logs on, and thats his passion right now. So he can have it. Someday he will wake up and realize he has nothing and that years have passed him by while he sat in a chair and stared at a computer screen. I won't be there to see it.
Good luck, and if he does quit, I'll post again.

oh p.s. he came to this site but barely looked at it. He wouldn't read my posts, and said it was sad that some people got so involved in video games. Bit of denial there!

SnowWhite
Offline
Last seen: 11 years 1 month ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/16/2007 - 12:04pm
Re: Well I guess we'll see

Thanks Troxia for the kind words. And yes, my husband is in denial much like your Dan. It really sucks.... really. I don't know what to say to you but if ya want an email buddy... lemme know, okay?

"This is the end...." The Doors

Log in or register to post comments