&: OLG-Anon - Contract between you and your spouse

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lizwool
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&: OLG-Anon - Contract between you and your spouse

Here is a contract a person from the EQ widows site wrote up for her and her husband to sign, so there would be PEACE in the house. Feel free to use it. You can replace EQ with the game(s) your spouse plays. Maybe it will help!

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

"I've been married nearly a year to an EQ addict. He claimed he was not an addict (which we both know he is) and quit the game twice to prove me wrong. Most recently he stopped playing for nearly 6 months.... He tried other games and (since he has been playing games since a tot) beats them very quickly. EQ is ever changing and this is the reason he enjoys it so much. So about 2 weeks ago we discussed him playing again and came up with a contract we both helped create and both signed. So far it has been working out pretty well with a few hitches.... I don't want to limit his fun but at the same time I don't want our relationship to suffer (and neither does he), so in the contract I reserve the right to cancel his account at any point. One thing I have learned in the years of knowing my husband and trying NOT to know about EQ is that the game quickly overtakes everything else. It's very addicting and your BF, husbands and wives that become addicted are changed by the game, namely (in my experience) becoming more manipulative and quick to anger. Be honest, lay down ground rules and demand the game leave your life if necessary. Speaking from past experience if you don't you'll be miserable, he'll be miserable and the relationship will suffer. Good luck!"

Here is the "contract" that she and her partner created together, "with sarcasm and humor but also a lot of truth and seriousness" (in her own words). Thank you!

"Throughout this contract aEUoeyouaEU refers to Person A and aEUoemeaEU refers to Person B. These rules are in no way a means for Person B to control or to limit Person AaEU(tm)s fun. They are necessary so that Person A can have his fun but also keep a balance in his life and keep Person B happy. We both agree that EQ can become a force in oneaEU(tm)s life, sucking precious time away from more important things. This is a means to prevent that from ever happening again.

EQ rules and regulations:

1. EQ playtime (including playing, searching websites, ANYTHING EQ related) will be limited to 2 nights during the week (Monday-Thursday) from 7-10pm (in bed no later than 10 30) and one night (Friday or Saturday) no later than 2am.
2. No EQ activity on Sunday, the ONLY exception to this rule is if during the week you donaEU(tm)t get one of your two nights playtime or your late night. The play on Sunday is limited to 3 hours and no play later than 10pm (like weeknight).
3. On the morning after the aEUoelate nightaEU you will sleep no later than 10am.
4. No leaving the EQ screensaver/game up. I donaEU(tm)t like it.
5. You will keep an EQ log of all dates and time of activity. Failure to keep an accurate log will result in termination of EQ account.
6. You will ask if thereaEU(tm)s anything that needs to be done before playing. (chores)
7. You will ask if thereaEU(tm)s anything IaEU(tm)d rather do before playing.
8. You will only play (pay for) one account.
9. One time a week you agree to do something nice for me that you normally wouldnaEU(tm)t (i.e. breakfast)
10. Play of any other game is limited to 2 hours per week.
11. No asking me to play...I love you and I love doing stuff with you but I donaEU(tm)t want to play, sorry.

If at anytime you donaEU(tm)t comply with the rules weaEU(tm)ve set forth the account may be terminated. If at anytime your mood changes or you seem to aEUoewantaEU to play or you ask to play during non-designated time the account may be terminated.

We agree that these rules are in place out of respect for each other and our relationship and as a proactive way to prevent any disagreements, hurt feelings or resentment.

This contract may be updated if necessary and agreed upon by both parties.

_____________________
Person A, gamer

______________________
Person B, anti-gamer"

Edited by: SnowWhite760 at: 11/26/06 13:32

Liz Woolley

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

Hi Liz

I am in a new relationship that has the potential to be long term as we really enjoy each others company and get along but I recently realized the extent of his game addiction when he didnt show up for a date or call to cancel.

Prior to that, he had just played two nights where the game got bigger (for the first time for him) and he killed far more people in battle then ever before. He scarily said to me "it was reeaaalllly fun" then did not show up for our date later that night.

I did not call him because I knew it had to be the game and basically I am getting tired. He will try blame me for not coming over because I teased him earlier that day that he had been just staying nights with me (usually after he quit playing the game at 2, 4am in the morning) and that we needed to spend some time earlier in the evening together.

He was not mad at me for that statement because we made some cute banter together (I never tell him what to do or am much demanding about his time) but I figure when it was time for him to come over, he likely used the statement as an excuse to be anger about me bossing him around so he could continue playing.

I do not know what to do as I am an older woman who has not been in a longterm relationship for many years and it appears I may have found someone but the game is interferring in our lifes.

We tried an informal contract where he said Sunday was a game day and I said "sure" but when I agreed he quickly added that Saturday was too. Thats when I said "you mean you play that game from Monday to Friday and now you want to play Saturday and Sunday too on my only days off???" He quickly backed off the Saturday idea and said he could spend it with me sometimes.

So far, the game has not effected his work life as he works from home and makes good money through his work (has two big payments coming in soon), but I noticed he has not done too much work since I have been with him. But it seems he plays at least 18 hours a day.

Could you please provide me some advice as I said earlier, this is the first time I found a possible longterm relationship in years. Thanks, Joy

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

This is a post shared by Jacqueline LI, NY from the Everquest Widows Yahoo group:

I keep reading so many posts about relationships falling apart, and the truth is I could have written all of them. It is very clear to me that we are all suffering the same problems:

*Loneliness
*Sadness
*Frustration
*Abandonment
*Jealous of a Game
*Loss of Love
*Loss of Sex
*Loss of Interest
*Shock
*Angry at a Game
*Wondering what is wrong with us
*Why Me
*Looking for someone to talk to
*Why Them
*This isn't the person I married/Fell in Love With
*Is this all I will ever have?
*Low Self-Esteem

Here is what I have learned:

1 Nothing you do/did/will do/have done-- will get
the addict off the game-- so stop blaming yourself

2 They are responsible for their actions- or lack of actions
no making excuses for them, they do enough of that for
themselves (I work hard, I deserve to relax, just a few
more minutes, it's harmless, They are my friends).

3 Get a life for yourself!! If the addict won't get off the game
then leave them behind- why should your life be on hold

4 Be good to yourself-- your addict is neglecting you--don't
join in and neglect you too!! Do something FOR YOU!!!!

5 If you are married -as I am- You said for better or worse-
yes this is the worse, but cheating puts you in the wrong and
you Will Feel Worse when it is over. TWO WRONGS never make a
right - I know you are hurt- but don't use that to be
self-destructive. Our addicts are already doing that-
don't follow suit!!!!!!

6 Stop nagging your addict! They will never get off the game
until they are ready to. Nothing you say will change how
good that game makes them feel- it is filling a need in them
usually I find it is a control issue- they are totally in charge of
everything inside the world that they created- their way.
They are playing with like-minded people who tell them how horrible
you are for nagging at them- you can't fight an addiction-
but you can change how you respond.

7 NO MORE-- serving them anything while they play! If they are hungry,
thirsty, whatever- go get it yourself- I will not make it easy for
you to ignore me- I have better things to do- like something for
me - call a friend, see a movie, go out dancing, Karaoke,
(me, I started my own Jewelry business and I have never been
happier. I have loads of friends, places to go, meetings,
and positive adults who are happy to see me! Anyone interested can
e-mail me at elefun4@aol.com for information- trust me,
it's worth it!!)

I would like to encourage everyone here to try to write posts about you. I know we have so many frustrations surrounding our addict-- most of them are the same, but if we are going to support each other then I want to get to know you. This is a board for US not THEM! Talk about YOU! You are being shoved aside in your own home in your own life take BACK control and talk about the most important person in the world YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jacqueline LI, NY

Liz Woolley

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

Here is a post by allovatheworld2000@yahoo.co.uk
She posted it on the EQ widows site.

I got dumped about 3 months ago.
I was gutted.....
I thought it was my fault and that I was to blame for his playing.

Since then I have become me again, I stopped with the obsession about the game and got on with life, I became the woman he fell in love with...

and since then he has not played for two months, but repeatedly tried to get me back..

MY advice... think about who you were, who you wanted to be...and maybe he will realise what he is missing..and if he does or he does not...you (I guarentee you, will move on).....This does you more good than it will ever do him (or her I realise and apologise for being sexist)

Survivors rock...thats why we have the name!

********************

Hi liz,

Of course you can use my post...am actually secretly proud of myself for being so sensible!

But it is true... these things hurt like hell but one day you wake up and they just dont anymore and your you again.

Liz Woolley

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses - Stages of Grief

Teressa" posted on the Everquest Widows site:
This posting is meant for the new people that have not yet seen the stages of grief. I chose to post the stages of grief as opposed to the stages of addiction because I see more similarities in them in relation to our situations. They are as follows:

denial: "This isn't happening to me/us" or "This isn't happening again" What you may hear from your partner: "I don't have an addiction", "You can't get addicted to a game, that's ridiculous", "You're imagining things", or the ever famous "You don't know what you're talking about"
anger: This is the point where you get tired of ignoring or denying the problem and you get mad about the fact that it is happening. You aknowledge the problem and may experience bouts of rage, but may not know how to deal with them. You may even get angry at yourself for allowing the behavior to continue, this is normal. This when alot of fighting with the addict occurs.
resentment: This is where you start laying blame. You may have thoughts such as "I hate him/her for doing this to me", "If that guild would just shut up I might stand a chance of winning this fight", "How the h_ll can he/she find a Dark Elf sexier than me??? IT'S A CARTOON FOR G-D'S SAKE!!!!!" and my favorite from when I was dealing with EQ as my addicts object of affection, "What do I have to do? Wear a Gnoll suit to bed??????????". Again, this is normal.
bargaining: You start trying to make deals with the addict. "How about this, I won't nag you if you promise to only play on weekends" or "If you come hang out with us for a little while you can go play the game after the kids go to bed". Sound familiar?
acceptance: This is where you start healing and moving forward with your own life. This is where you may begin to let go of some of the rage. Thoughts or feelings you may have may include "Ok, he/she has a problem", "I am not going to be able to change him/her" or "Hey, I know he/she is going to sit there all day, but I am not going to do it with them. I am going to go take the kids to the zoo."

It is important to remember that no amount of yelling, screaming, or nagging is going to make your addict change. They have to see the problem for themselves and want to do something to change it. Not all of them will. If you don't believe me just read any of our posts. The only thing you can do is change the way you deal with it until you
find the way that works best for you. Please remember that thoughts of violence can be normal and thoughts of cheating may be normal while dealing with an addict but please, do not follow through with them. Acting these thoughts out will only make you feel worse in the end and could get you sent to jail.

Edited by: lizwool at: 9/21/05 11:10

Liz Woolley

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

I just wanted to mention that I tried to go over the contract with my husband and he responded that he is an adult and will not have his life regulated. He also frequently gets upset if I ask him how long he will be on the computer. He says he shouldn't have to regulate his time and get off in exactly two hours, so I have started to go for walks at night for at least an hour or two and then when I return I mention that he had sometime to do whatever and I would like to hang out now if he is willing. Sometimes he will say yes, but be constantly wanting to play and just be bored with whatever we do so it is actually more of a task to hang out then it is a joy. I love him and am trying to find my own thing to do but it is lonely to live a life together and yet "experience" life by myself. I have mentioned to him this site and told him I have been writing on the message boards. THis just upsets him and he refuses to look at this site.
honeysick

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Lost

This is my first time to this website. I read what everyone has written and I have experienced it all.

I have been so frustrated and lonely for months. I finally thought I would do research online to see if there was any help for my husband. I feel like our lives are falling apart.

We just moved to this area a few months ago when my job relocated us. My husband had a job here at first but it was working out. Now he isn't working and just playing his game. To top it off, I'm 9 months pregnant and worried how we will pay our bills once I have to leave work if he doesn't get a job, but he plays instead of job hunting. He even says he doesn't like leaving the house. Also, what kind of father is he going to be?

As for support and getting out to help my stress, that just adds stress. As we are new to the area, I don't really know anyone. My mom tries to come see me when ever possible but that is a 3 hour drive for her and she can't do it that often. Since money is tight, it is hard for me to go out and do stuff on my own, like the movie suggestion and such. All though it does sound like a good idea.

Last night I think was the worst. I was in pain and just knew the baby was coming (which thankfully hasn't happened yet). I wanted him to hold me and comfort/support me through what I was dealing with. He said he would after they completed one task. That was at 5pm. At 11pm, I was so mad I flipped the circuit braker on his computer room. That didn't go over too well.

His response to me calling him an addict is, "would you prefer me to be out drinking at the bars?"

If anyone has any suggestions for me, I'm all ears...

WhereIsThere
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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

Are you still with this individual?

If you are, it would probably be wise for you to break things off. Down the line if your long-term relationship turns into marriage, and even if it doesn't, just simply as time goes by, it will get worse.

Is having a sub-par long-term relationship acceptable to you and just because you have not been in one for a long time shouldn't influence this decision. You deserve to have someone who is as invested in the relationship as you and and nothing less.

lizwool
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Re: Honeysick

Hello Honeysick,

I am sorry for what is happening to you, your husband and your relationship.

Some husbands are more cooperative than others.

The contract is one of the tools that may work. If it doesn't, as it did not, in your case, try something else. Of course, at this time, your husband does not want to do it, because it will infringe on his game time.

His reaction is very typical for a gamer who is not ready to leave the games. They are his drug, and he is getting his fix by playing them. We do have the 12 steps. Until they are ready to do step 1, there is not much we can do, except get on with our own life. You have every right to be here, and post here, Honeysick.

I suspect when you look at his eyes, he looks like he is in a hypnotic trance. Have you watched the 48 Hour piece yet?
p198.ezboard.com/folgafrm17.showMessage?topicID=5.topic Your husband sounds like the first guy. What is happening to him, is just what the gaming companies want!

Hopefully, he will come around. Pray for him!

Liz

Liz Woolley

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Re: CBS piece

Liz,
How brave of you to go on and tell your story to millions. I applaud you. At the end of the piece you said you were considering suing Sony... have you? Have you also entertained the idea that suing one maker of MMORPGs might not be enough? Perhaps the makers of DAOC and STAR WARS and ULTIMA ONLINE and whatever other games that are out there should be held accountable as well.
I certainly do not have the funds available to me... but I am a web developer and am willing to help with my talents. Also, I'm sure we can get many people to help... perhaps even small donations to a paypal account (yours of course) or something to help defray legal fees. Perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself but I would really like to see these companies go under before they continue to hurt more people.
Mary

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Re: CBS piece

Hello Mary,

Thank you for your note.

That lawsuit against SOE did not take place. At that time NO ONE WOULD HAVE BELIEVED WHAT EXCESSIVE GAMING CAN DO TO PEOPLE, and we would have been made fun of.

Now, as more and more people are becoming addicted to these games, and being harmed by them, the public is more willing to see what is really going on here.

Our recourse today, is a class action suit against them. If we have many people telling what happened, rather than just me, the message will be heard and recognized by more people and hopefully they will really see the harm that can be done, and the gaming companies will need to change their ways. At this time, they are designing the games to be as addicting as possible, raking in the money as more and more people become addicted. As you read through this message board, you will see they even give prizes to the most addicting game of the year. p198.ezboard.com/folgafrm1.showMessage?topicID=960.topic

Creating games for entertainment and fun is one thing, but to make them so they take control of someone else's mind, so they can make more money is another. They are nothing better than drug pushers.

You will also want to look at our In the News and Related Links section for more of what is happening here. p198.ezboard.com/folgafrm30 (Don't blame it all on your husband!)

I hope this helps.

Feel free to come back and support others as they come in here.

Liz

Edited by: lizwool at: 1/3/06 6:54

Liz Woolley

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

this is my first post and i would like to tell my story. i have been married for 19 years and have 3 teenagers. my husband is a online gamer addict whether he believes or not. let me tell you a day of my life with him. workweek:we get go to work, we come home, i get dinner started and tend to the kids, he comes home says hi and goes to the computer, comes to kitchen to eat going back forth to the computer. kids do their own thing and i am left by myself watching tv. we go to bed and he is still left downstairs playing until 2 or 3am. weekend: me and the kids get up have breakfast he finally gets up around 2 and ask what do you want to do? i tell him well so and so ishave a little get together but he doesn't want to go so i suggest other things and nope he don'twant to. so he gets on the computer and i do what i have to do. he will stay on the computer till 4 or 5 am on the weekends. you ask why not go by yourself create a hobby do something and my answer is i do, i get tired of having to explain why my husband isn't at the party over and over while everyone is there with their significant others. i get lonely and tired of having to do things on my own. holidays are the same and can get embarrasing as to why i attend family/frends functions by my self. we tried marriage counseling a couple of years ago and it help put a bandaid. he quit gaming for 6 months and was with me 24/7, from one extreme to another with no balance. but after the 6 months we are back to where we started. of course this has affected my kids, there is no connection between them i have to be both father and mother. living with an addict is not easy especially when he thinks there is no problem. i try to tell him and he thinks i over exgerate the whole situation. so in a nutshell it gets lonely and very tiring.

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My first time too

I've spent the last two nights looking for answers and help. Last night I found out my husband has spent $1735 in the last 90 days on EQ2. He used to buy plat once in awhile before Sony made it legal, but now it's like they opened to door to a whole new addiction. My husband has played EQ and now EQ2 since I met him, so it's not like I didn't know what I was getting into. It's the extent of it that I didn't know. He has resorted to spending behind my back, lying about it, and covering it up. Last month we got into an argument and I asked him to set the consiquences of what would happen if he spent more on this game. He said he would have to leave. Well, last night I found out he's bought items three more times. Stupid me for not leaving right then and there I guess. I told him I would take his word for it one last time, but even so much as one penny and I'm gone, and we are done. He doesn't stay up late playing, he doesn't miss work, he quits within a reasonable amount of time to do things with me and his daughter. But, the addiction seems to be in having the best and being the best. He's currently playing a character that is a level 59 (I guess 60 is as high as it goes?). I know he has low self esteem in real life - so maybe being the best is making him feel better? Obviously from what I read, I am dealing with an addict, and it seems that I can't make him quit. Inside he's a good person and I feel like he'll make the right choices when it comes between keeping or losing me. I just don't know. I'm almost afraid to hear what you all have to say.....

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

Hello all! I have a problem, or, actually, my wife has a problem. She is addicted to Disney's Virtual Magic Kingdom. She's only been addicted for less than six months.

The problem is she is never home. Neither of our computers are fast enough to run VMK, so she goes to her mother's place to play it. Therefore, she's rarely at home. When she's not playing it, she's out doing things with friends. I see her only briefly in the mornings, and sometimes in the evening.

Now, she has been suggesting that we get her a new computer so she can play it at home. I'm a bit worried about doing this since I doubt it's going to be any different. She's told me "I'll be at home more if we get a new computer." Although that's nice, what's she going to do when she's at home (besides spend time with me?)

We got into an arguement about the whole thing last night. I told her that I'm ready to give up trying to spend time with her. We make plans for an evening. She stops at her mother's, and then I'm left at home on my own.

After we tried working it out and I was feeling a bit better, she says, "Do you mind if I go play VMK tomorrow night?" Yeah, the hurt all came back. I'm feeling pretty neglected here.

The suggestions in this thread are wonderful, and I'm going to put them to work. I've always viewed myself as the most important person in my life, so I will continue to carry it out.

But my question is, should I buy her a new computer to keep her at home? Is it going to get any easier, or is playing VMK at her mother's place going to work more in my favor?

lizwool
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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

What keeps a person playing these games, is the support group around the person. If you want someone to stop an addictive behavior, remove their support system that enables the behavior.

Take a look at your own part in this. What are you doing, so this person can continue to play? How are you AC/a,!A"enablingAC/a,!A this behavior? Stop cleaning, paying his/her bills, feeding them. Get them and yourself professional help with this.

Liz Woolley

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

After a couple of very serious and difficult talks with my husband, I was quite proud of him when he finally quit World of Warcraft. That was a couple of months ago. Last week I realized he was staying up late, getting distant and cranky with our two toddlers - big shock - WOW back on the computer...
I don't believe the contract idea will work - basically it seems to me that you are agreeing to the person continuing the addiction (I promise to only drink on weekends) - does anyone have any other ideas that have worked for them?
Thanks.

lizwool
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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

Hello lruth,

What is posted here, are things that have worked for others. The contract idea is just one of many.
Here is a more extensive lists of other ideas written for family members. Maybe some of these will work for you:
p198.ezboard.com/folgafrm33.showMessage?topicID=2.topic

Liz

Liz Woolley

lruth
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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

thank you for your quick reply. most of the items on the list really apply to teenagers - however, my first husband was addicted to pot, and what I read at the time said that people stop maturing at the age at which the addiction starts, so perhaps I need to find out for my husband when this started with him and address it from the age that he is on this issue....

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

Hello lruth,

I do have a collection written for spouses. I will find it and post it, when I do.

Liz

Liz Woolley

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Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

Me and my Fiancee have just recently become engaged over the holidays. We've have discussed moving in with eachother before the marriage, but I have a few concerns that I don't know how to discuss with him. One of them is his gaming. Since I don't live with him, I don't have an accurate picture of how much he plays, but what playing I do know about worries me. At the present time we live roughly 40 miles away from eachother, so we don't have the opprotunities to see eachother everyday.

At the beginning of our relationship, I was attending my last year of college, and the distance between us was even greater than it is now. To compensate for that, we would communicate often though MSN Messenger. But around July of 2005, he stopped getting online. When I called him up and ask him why he wasn't online, it was because he was playing World of Warcraft. I would ask him if he could stop playing for an hour or two so we could have some time together. At first, he would stop, but eventually it got to the point where he would say 'no, I don't want to stop playing.'

Understandly, this was very hurtful towards me. After a few days, I got over my hurt and anger and told myself that if he wanted it that way, he would have it that way. I would not attempt to contact him until he realized what he was missing. We did not speak to eachother for over a month. When he finally called me, I asked him what took him so long. He claimed that he didn't have the money to call long distance. I know this is a lie, because with his cell phone plan, he gets free and unlimited nights and weekends. These actions continuted though my final semester of college, December 2005.

After I finished college, I moved back, and we got engaged. Right now, we only have the opprotunity to see eachother during the weekends. With the limited amount of time that we have together, I don't think I'm in the wrong when I request that he stay off his computer. But every time I go over there, at one point or another, he will login to WoW. He says he's just there to check his mail. But he ALWAYS ends up playing the game, and he'll stay on his computer until 4 or even 6 the next morning.

I've gotten so fed up with him saying that he's only going to be online for five minutes, and it turnes out to be 5 hours. I've told him that I will leave if he gets on his computer. He just shrugs as if he doesn't care, and then acts angry when I start to gather up all of my stuff.

I have no problem with him playing his games, with-in limits. When it starts to ruin our relationship is when I start to develop a problem. I can't talk to him about this, because he honestly believes that all the game playing he does is ok. In my opinion, it's not ok for him to chose a fictional game over his real-life fiancee.

I desperately do not want to lose this man because I love him very much. I don't want to take away the joy he gets from playing, but I also don't want to be a second choice for the rest of my life. Any advice that is offered to me will be extremely appreciated.

Danni
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Last seen: 11 years 6 months ago
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Joined: 01/24/2006 - 11:38am
Re: OLG-Anon - For Spouses

Oh dear. I wish I could say "don't worry" but I can't -- you really do have a big problem on your hands.

I hope someone else will weigh in, because I come from the perspective of the person who was addicted, not the loved one of the addict.

I can confirm one thing for you, your boyfriend is exhibiting some troubling signs of gaming addiction.

Addiction is a progressive illness that gets worse, never better, although it can be treated. So if he is an addict you should not fool yourself into thinking that he is going to cut back after a while. Things are not going to improve, they will only get worse, until he decides he has a problem and must do something about it.

You deserve more, better, than what you are getting from him now. I know, because I treated my partner that way for years. I neglected my kids. The house fell apart, cars were dirty, I didn't care.

My advice is to not put up with his behavior. If you tell him you are going to leave if he plays all night, and you actually leave, it may be the wake up call he needs.

You could save his life by not putting up with his neglectful behavior. Call off the wedding. Do what you must.

This is serious stuff - it leads to death. That may sound extreme, but it is not. People waste years of life. They lose jobs. They loose everything they care about, especially relationships with loved ones. People kill their spirits.

People kill themselves.

If you think I am being extreme, ask the moderator of this site. Her son killed himself in front of the worthless, idiotic game. What a waste! What a heartache!

If you really love him, force him to see what he is doing to himself before it is too late.

With all my hope and prayers for you and him,
Danni

mikric
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Re: &: OLG-Anon

This is my first time on OlG-Anon. I have been married for 2 1/2 years and I have a 14 month old son and a baby on the way. When I married my husband I knew that I was marrying a gamer but at the time he wasn't into online gaming. Then, he purchased an XBox and he began to go online. At first, his playing seemed fun and enjoyable. He would talk about the interesting games and show me (I am not a gamer at all) various graphics etc. But in the past year or so, his gaming has changed. He's always angry and he's using more and more foul language. I mean, hey, I can swear like the best of them but this is out of hand. I remind him that he has a child in the house. He doesn't play until our son goes to bed but when he does play he plays for hours. He is the primary caregiver for our child and I am the major breadwinner. But he will stay up until 1 or 2 in the morning knowing full well that our son will wake between 5 and 6 am. Then he claims that he doesn't have the energy to clean the house or do what he is expected to do at home. He's constantly sick because he doesn't eat properly and he is very short-tempered. We had a nasty argument the other day and he just couldn't control what he was saying around his son. Needless to say, I'm tired of asking him to keep quiet at night when he's online while I try to sleep; I'm tired of asking him to spend some time with his family without having to negotiate. I'm just tired. I'm at a point now where I'm sleeping in the basement and refusing to speak to him unless it involves my child. I am so angry and resentful toward my husband. He is not the man I married. I want that man back. I don't want my children to be raised in a family where the father will freak out on the mother for whatever reason because he is so tired from staying up all night. There is so much more I could write but I'm at work and need to prep for my next class. Thanks for reading.

Mahasiddha
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Re: &: OLG-Anon

Hi mikric...Welcome to OLGA! Sorry to hear about your husband. It seems to be the same story over and over, with an innocent hobby turned into a pure Jeckyll & Hyde potion. You'll find a lot of support here, and many, many stories like your own. You are not alone.

I personally am in recovery for a bunch of other stuff, and used to game primarily as a mood-changer, and an escape from life's pressing problems over which I felt I had no control. Before things get too crazy, you might try to draw attention to your husband's change of mood by catching him on an audio or video tape, to jog him back into reality.

Otherwise, you may be able to appeal to him through simple common sense (esp. regarding his care of your son). No sleep = no energy, which = danger for your son, which is NO GOOD. Also, you might ask him if he would be willing to seek counseling, as who knows, he could be depressed, or stressed out, and feeling under pressure.

But it's all a day at a time. Keep coming here, and you'll find a way to work on your self, your feelings, and what you can do in this situation. Welcome home, and we're here for you.

-- Carol

mikric
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Thanks

Thanks for the quick responses and support. Although I like the contract idea, in a nut shell . . . my husband would only go online after I'm in bed (which is very early due to my second pregnancy and fulltime work) and I know that doesn't seem to be such a bad thing but again, he's the primary caregiver for our son.

This week, I spent two nights at my parents' home as a result of a HUGE argument that escalated from something absolutely silly. My husband became quite emotionally abusive and I'd had enough. After a few days, I decided to continue to live at home so that my son would be comfortable in his own environment. I wrote my husband a letter and indicated that for the time being until I decide what my next steps are, that I no longer wish to share a bed with him (not that we really sleep beside one another in the first place due to his gaming) and that I have moved out just not in the physical sense. I love him so much and I don't want to end my marriage (not yet) but I'm so angry and resentful towards him. He has changed so much. I'm doing everything in my power to just keep my sanity and continue to focus on my career and my son. I grew up with an alcoholic father and so I know the whole gamet of addiction and I know that my husband may never realize that he has a problem. How do I forgive him and find the much needed strength to carry forward in this relationship without being spiteful or resentful. I mean, HE BOUGHT AN XBOX 360 AND $400 WORHT OF GAMES EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HIM WE COULDN'T AFFORD IT! He figured if he traded a bunch HIS stuff, it was okay. We have a second child on the way and we can barely afford groceries due to the fact that he's not working. I want to forgive but I can't seem to get past my anger. Common sense just doesn't phase him.

Xandtar
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Re: &: OLG-Anon

It was SO SWEET of him, to buy something for the Marines Toy Drive!

I hope the original boxes are still around, it will light up some child's face on Christmas morning!

Seriously, its not good for your children to live with an addict, it can leave serious scars. Don't think you're necessarily doing your children a favor by staying, they fear the anger between their parents just as much as they fear a new environment.

It sounds like you have made your decision. The marriage is over. And its your children's home. So why isn't HE gone from your house?

Oh well, I can't say, I'm not there.

Welcome to Olganon.

Leveling in Real Life

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