Partner addicted to second life.

16 posts / 0 new
Last post
danceswithwolves00
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 9 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 08/05/2012 - 12:35pm
Partner addicted to second life.

This is my first post here, apologies if it is in the wrong place.

My partner and i have been togeather for 4 years, we are a young couple of 20 and 22 and have lived togeather since we were 16 and 18.

As we live independantly at a young age and i am a student, money is and always has been sparse, as are jobs in our area thus we decided to conceive some way of making money online, by doing payed questiannares etc etc, non of which worked out or gained us much extra money.

My boyfriend then suggested 'second life', i gave it a try was not at all interested in it and diddnt like the idea of talking to strangers online. Upon playing the game a while as a female character, my boyfriend gained a 'job' on the game training sex slaves, basically he says he tought these 'slave' characters how to role play for small amounts of money, the idea made me feel sick, he would stay up from 11pm to 10am and then spend the rest of the day sleeping so i never saw him and spent the whole day alone, i spoke to him about it and he agreed to go on the game in moderation. Things were great during this period and my boyfriend would spend much time with me.

My boyfriend suggested that he could create items on the second life online market place and sell them for small amounts of money which i thought was a reasonable and harmless thing to try, so i begun to allow him to return to the game, again i aked for him to do so in moderation so we could spend time togeather, but gradually he would begin to spend the whole night on the game, not allowing me to see what he is doing by turning the screen away when i came into the room, constantly bringing the game up in conversation, even comparing my looks to his female character and when trying on clothes say 'secret has something like that'. The fact he refers to his avatar as though she is real disturbed me in a sense.

When i complain about him being on the game, he promises 'tomorrow i wont go on it, i will spend the day with you' but he will still go on the game and blame me for not spending time with him, he also gets very angry and will say 'im doing it for money! Dont you want PS2000?!' (He claims someone is paying him PS2000 to build a house, i find this very hard to beleive)

He also was thrown off his college course earliar this year due to his late nights meaning he did not go in the majority of the time, i strongly beleive this is due to second life although he states otherwise and says it was because our relationship was in shambles (BECAUSE OF SECOND LIFE!!)

I just dont know what to do anymore, i'm begining to feel very lonely and i am worried this online game is becoming an addiction, or he is lying about what exactly he is doing on there, i find it very strange how someone can find 'role playing' so fun.

What can i do to make him realise he's wasting his life away on this game? He is ruining both our lives and stopping himself from progressing in life and education!

danceswithwolves00
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 9 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 08/05/2012 - 12:35pm
I should also add that he

I should also add that he refers to the people he speaks to as 'family and friends'.

My biggest worry here is the fact i have found a number of USB sticks hidden around the housein the past containing nude photos of girls, mostly girls that fit into the 'emo' stereotype, along with very deceiving crossdressers who also would fit into that catagory - his second life avatar looks exactly like these girls. It almost seems to me that as i know about these USB sticks and because he can no longer keep them without me finding them whilst cleaning up etc (or he has become exeptionally good at hiding them) he has chosen to live out the fantasies he would like to have with the girls in the photos via second life, or, worse for me, he is interested in crossdressing!? I know that seems like a huge conclusion to jump to, but there has been alot of reference to crossdressers or 'traps' on his USB sticks.

He was a psychology student and is very good at deceiving and manipulating people into beleiving what he wants them to, so i would like to get other peoples opinions, outside of our friendship (which he is losing due to his sometimes anti social nature) and family group.

Kindest regards.

Melissa Evermore
Offline
Last seen: 6 years 9 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 05/29/2012 - 4:09am
It sounds like it is long

It sounds like it is long past "becoming an addiction".

I don't know much about second life, but from what I have read, it's very sexual in nature and incredibly addictive, and there are a lot of people on here with first hand experience of SL who will probably have a lot to add.

What I do know is that you can't "make" him realise that he's wasting his life or ruining yours. If he does have some "secret issues" (ie cross-dressing etc) then perhaps he has found a safe place in the game to explore his feelings. I don't think pushing him to give it up will help, it will most likely just make him angry.

Comparing you to characters in a game is terrible. I don't know that much about the psychology of SL addiction but it sounds to me like a way of belittling you and keeping control over you.

"he also gets very angry and will say 'im doing it for money! Dont you want PS2000?!'"

This is also a way of controlling you and making it seem as though you are unreasonable for wanting him to stop.

There are a lot of ex-gamers on here who will tell you very honest, helpful, and sometimes hard to accept things about what your partner is doing, and also a lot of people like yourself, who are struggling to cope with someone else's gaming addiction.

The underlying message will be the same though. You can't change him, or fix him, or force him to stop playing his game. He has to do that himself.

Read what other people have posted, because you are definately not alone. It helped me so much to learn that other people were going through the same things as me.

I wish you the best. What you are going through is really hard. Stay strong!

mubb (not verified)
Hi, it sounds like he has a

Hi, it sounds like he has a problem with sl. I come from that place too and i recognize a lot of what he tells you.

A huge part of this game is related with virtual relatioships, i was part of that once and yeah it's a complex and weird world and thanks to that i could spent countless hours there. PS2000 for build a house?, i would bet is 2000L (the currency money in that game) which is way less of that amount of money.

One thing you will read here often is that for an addict is impossible to moderate, we can try yes but it's most sure that we will fail. Also, as addicts, we're very manipulating, to justify our time in the game we can come up with the most craziest arguments... one of the thousands i used was "i'm learning english there".

What i suggest you is this:

1.- Do not try to remove the computer or the internet conection, he can act violent with you and hurt you.

2.- Do not enable him, that means, do not feed him, do not do any favour to him, if he wants, for example, a pencil, let him stand up and go for it.

3.- I know it must be very difficult situation for you, but try to ignore him and continue with your life, go out with your friends, spent time with your family, etc... maybe this can help him to react.

4.- Do not blame yourself for this, this is not your fault at all, remember the three C: you can't CURE it, you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it.

5.- He is the only one who can make the decision of quit, no matter your arguments, tears, anything. He gotta hit bottom to do it unfortunatelly.

Good luck, continue coming here and read the post of other members.

exazzy
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 8 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 05/27/2012 - 6:36pm
Some people have given you

Some people have given you advice on how to stay. I have another suggestion which may be inappropriate but I'll make it anyway.

Run the other direction from this person you are with.

You are a young woman and it is not your job to 'fix,' 'support,' or 'help' him. You are not married, do not have kids. Your whole life is ahead of you. Don't sacrifice yourself because its hard to leave this relationship. I'm a recovering addict, but I can tell you it will be very, very hard to stay, too.

Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.

danceswithwolves00
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 9 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 08/05/2012 - 12:35pm
I understand where you are

I understand where you are coming from, but i would at least like to try with my boyfriend, i love him dearly and it would be not only hard to end it between us but i know a huge waste.

starryeyed
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 11 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 03/23/2010 - 7:18pm
There is a very interesting

There is a very interesting documentary called Life 2.0 which includes a man whose avatar was a little girl on SL. He also had a fiancee in real life.

A lot depends on whether you can accept and live with this side of him if that is his issue. The woman in the documentary decided to leave as she could only see a life of emotional confusion ahead even if he did leave SL. SL had brought out a side of him about which she had known nothing previous to becoming engaged to him.

I could go on about the sexual side of SL which has become a huge part of this virtual world or perhaps always was. Some very dark fantasy goes on there and no one can ever make me believe that this is a healthy psychological exploration of ones secret desires. It's a very demeaning and disturbing aspect of SL. The fact that he is so secretive must tell you something.

I wish you all the best and perhaps talk to a professional if you can to get some insight about your partner and your feelings around this.

dan1
dan1's picture
Offline
Last seen: 6 years 3 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 05/04/2012 - 6:42pm
danceswithwolves00 wrote: I
danceswithwolves00 wrote:

I understand where you are coming from, but i would at least like to try with my boyfriend, i love him dearly and it would be not only hard to end it between us but i know a huge waste.

Dances,

The only thing I can encourage you to do is to read some of the many, many posts on this site by OLG-Anons. They will share information with you regarding your situation.

When someone is addicted, there is no help that they receive that their addiction will not hijack. Every bit of "help" only helps the addiction, because the addiction is in control. People may think they are helping us by doing us favors, but all help feeds the addiction. Every interaction feeds the addiction. This sounds harsh, but there are many people here who have been addicted to games that will tell you the same thing. As addicts, we take advantage of every benefit that is thown our way, and use it to allow us to play more. What is the solution? The best help is help that does not feed the addiction: and that is no help at all. The best way to love an addict is to stop helping them continue their addiction.

You are at the very beginning stages of understanding your situation; the only thing I can tell you beyond what I said above, is to read more here.

Along a different (but possibly related) line, I was told by my psychologist that women who are physically abused by a partner leave and return 6 times on average before they leave for good. (!!!) The temptation to first believe it is their fault, and then, to at least believe that there is something they can do differently that will fix it or stop it, must be immense. Even with physical abuse, people apparently believe they can do something to get their partner to stop it. It blew me away to hear this sad fact.

My partner left me because I was disengaged from life, and he wanted a life. My disengagement was partly due to my computer game playing, or perhaps the game playing was just keeping me from getting over it; in any case, he is gone for good, and I'm sorry too late. But he did everything he could to help me while he was with me; I don't blame him one bit. In the final analysis, he chose living a real life over hanging on to me. That was a good choice. Unfortunately.

I am a recovering computer game and gambling addict. My recovery birthday: On May 6, 2012 I quit games and began working a program of recovery through OLGA No computer games or slot games for me since December 12, 2012. No solitaire games with real cards since June 2013.

exazzy
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 8 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 05/27/2012 - 6:36pm
DWW, Ive thought about my

DWW,

Ive thought about my response to you all afternoon, and why I was so heavy handed and angry about your situation. The best I can come up with is that you seem sweet, and trusting, and giving, much like my own daughter is. Though she is younger than you, I would hate and loathe my little girl winding up in the spot you are in -- having someone do to you (her) what I've done to my wife over the course of time. It is a difficult, emotional, painful experience to be 'attached' to an addict.

Anyway, it's not my decision and I apologize for trying to make it for you. (This is why I try to be read-only on the Family side.) I applaud your courage for coming here, telling your story, and not listening to bitter old cave troll ex-gamers like me.

Please stay, and take strength and support from the other olg-anons here.

Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.

Mrs_KC
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 9 months ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 07/30/2012 - 5:48am
Hi, I feel your pain and

Hi,

I feel your pain and concerns, as I am also a viction of SL. My husband has been playing this game for the past year and played other games like it for the past 4 yrs, and I just recently made him leave our home. I love him more than anyone can understand, but I could not stand it any longer. SL took over his life, but he will not admit that's true, he says that I am the one with the problem and that our marriage would be fine if I would just put the game asside and love him, then eventually he would get bord and stop playing the game. Well I can't and won't do that any more, so the step was taken and until he can figure it out for himself and fix himself I will have to try to go on without him. I tell you this cause, I tried to stay and hope that he will stop, I made so many changes in my self to make him look at me, get his attention, so that he can realize real is better than these avatars in a fantasy game, but nothing worked. So then the fighting got worse and worse, then he would say well who wants to be with or run to someone who is always b****ing and mad, he then stayed longer on the game and even started to use Skype to talk to the women he was playing with on the game and unfortunetly I heard some of the conversations he was having and it blew me away and hurt even more. Of course his responce was well that was not your conversation to begin with and its about role playing in a fantasy game.

Well, I can go on and on.....but i'm sure you get the picture. I do wish you the best of luck and hope that you don't end up like me....feeling so much pain and resentment!!

ElizabethA
ElizabethA's picture
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 8 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 04/02/2011 - 5:40pm
Hi Dancing,  I'm a

Hi Dancing,

I'm a recovering SL addict. The sad truth: There really isn't much to do in SL except shop and boink. And for some of us, that really floats our boat. The horrible consequence is that others in our lives are trashed by the lure of perfect avatar bodies, and all the sex (weird and otherwise) we think we want/need. Here's what I've learned: At the end of the day it grows terribly dull. Same trees, same sky, same pose balls. Sex without touch or scent is incomplete and does not sustain. Eventually we find our "need" for this kind of sexuality greatly diminished. Of course in the meantime we manage to hurt the real people who love us. I'm very sorry I hurt my family in this way, and I'm sorry your partner has hurt you.

I wouldn't advise you, Dancing, to wait for your partner to burn out on SL...there is no telling how long that might take. But I do feel you are young and you CAN do better. The behaviors your partner is partaking in is cheating. I pose the question: Today he cheats as an avatar. Will he cheat with a real woman one day? Is that good enough for you? In any event, what ever you decide to do: I think you will find support here on Olga from people who have played SL (and other games) addictively and from the loved ones of addicts. Its a great resource. I'm glad you are here and I wish you the very best while you sort this part of your life out.

ElizA

.Left the games behind Tuesday, March 28, 2011...I have a new left knee and a lot more appreciation for the word "recovery"....blessings come in the darndest forms!

.

starryeyed
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 11 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 03/23/2010 - 7:18pm
I second that

I second that Elizabeth!!!

What a scam SL is, what a fine trick!! Those who are sick get sicker there. It really fools people but thank God some of us woke up. Truly some I know are still there after 5 or more years of same old same old and they are still hoping it delivers their original dream. Almost two years for me and that was too many.

All the best dances!! Take care of yourself and live life!! He must travel his own path and hopefully one day realizes it is going nowhere.

sean_78
sean_78's picture
Offline
Last seen: 8 years 2 weeks ago
OLGA member
Joined: 04/07/2011 - 11:02am
I am a Second Life Widow,

I am a Second Life Widow, meaning I separated from my wife almost two years ago and divorced now. Happily divorced. I know everything you;ve been through. To the second poster, to say SL is a sexual world would be like giving "Debbie Does Dallas" a PG-13 rating. It is a sick and twisted world. But I understand you are not famliliar with the game.

Back on topic,

I went through all the lies, deception, "Everything's OK, they are just friends", in reality it was jobs lost for her, enormous phone bills from texting and calling people all over the world. Credit card bills for in-game money, and of course, the sick involvements with perverse worlds online. Beastiality, S&M, and even minors getting involved. There was an 11 year old boy playing in her circle of friends being exposed to this.

Sorry I keep getting off topic lol, lets get back to you.

YOU have the benefit of youth on your side. YOU have your whole life ahead of you. You may be in love with this person, and feel like you know what's best for them, but in the end, only each and every individual knows whats best for them. Most just choose to ignore it and take the easy way out. Yea... there's people who make a lost of money playing SL...and people who SPEND a lot of money. You're boyfriend strikes me as the type of person who rents an apartment and keeps telling the land lord... "Oh I'll pay you soon, I know I owe you 6 months rent, but you see, I'm supposed to get all this money in a law suit settlement soon..." But it never happens. 90% of people who think they will make money playing SL, or being a professional gamer in Call of Duty or something, are likely to earn more income by working in a grocery part time.

But the real damage is to their freinds and family, and especially YOU. Because you have most of your emotions invested in this person.

Personally, I have zero sympathy for anyone addicted to an online game, or anything. Because like you, I've been manupulated in the past. I've been half convinced I was the problem, the reason for them spending so much time in a fantasy world. It's all a ploy just to get you to allow them for freedom in this fake world. Hell, I even walked into the room one night to hear my wife (ex-wife) talking on sky playing SL with some guy 1500 miles away, telling him "I love you... I wish I had met you a year ago...I wish we could be together always"... there were at least three other online affairs as well, and even met one person on her lunch hour, during the few months she actually held a job.

People play this game because relationships, and friendships are so much easier. Wouldn't we all love to be in a loving relationship minus all the real world BS like, washing dishes, doing laundry, going to parents house on sundays for dinner, walking dogs, paying bills, and especially... GOING TO WORK. Relationships can form out of thin air in this unrealistic world, because they are so easy with no responsibility.

Which brings me to my last and final point. People who are clearly unable to carry out normal lives without excessive gaming lack RESPONSIBILITY... usually in every aspect of their life other than somehow managing to maintain an online presense.

I hate this game, and as a Christian, to hate anything is serious bidness... And I also hate that you have to be subject to this behaviour, and everyone else who has a partner in SL.

EVERY SL storey ends in the same way. Separation, Divorce, heartbreak. I knew I was going to be divorced one day even before I separated after reading other stories here one night. They all end the same.

I encourage you to try, but I also encourage you to think about yourself first. You can try to help them see a better path, but forcing them to choose only ends up working against you.

Just remember you are young. And take it from a dovorced 34 year old (whos single now, ladies wink wink lol, ok couldnt resist that) don't spend your youthful years growing prematurely old having your energy and emotions drained by some sociopath.

exazzy
Offline
Last seen: 7 years 8 months ago
OLGA member
Joined: 05/27/2012 - 6:36pm
You know, its funny.  I

You know, its funny. I come to this place to deal with what I am and have become, and to try to find inspiration to change and recover and make myself back into something I recognize, and so often I'm confronted by a post like this. And my gut reaction is how bitter the writer is, how angry, unforgiving, mean spirited, in pain, blah blah blah.

And sometimes, like right now, I can be open enough to realize that I made somebody feel like that too. And even if I really did hit a solid V-bottom like I claim, and I am or am pretending to come back and get better, her life didn't change very much. Its easily as difficult for her as for me, probably more so, because she's got the supposed limitation that being 'mean' could harm my fragile recovery. This is coming up a lot lately, among the zillion other recovery-related issues that come up, and I have to get a clue to it too.

So thank you Sean, for your reply today, clearly I needed it, right at this moment. I hope my outcome isn't divorce or any more heartbreak, and I hope you can overcome your path crossing with an addict too. Best of luck to you.

Twelve miles into the forest, 12 miles out.
Left my poisonous game July 4, 2012. Left online communities June 4, 2013.

kitty91
Offline
Last seen: 2 months 2 weeks ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 02/15/2021 - 5:00am
Boyfriend spends so much time on second life

Within the past 6 months my boyfriend has become more obsessed with second life and less time spending time with me. I admit i am a gamer myself on xbox. The past month he has this new sister he talks to and yesterday i saw he was actually talking to her on the phone evening using earbuds so i can't hear the conversation. He's also been using his sex toys more than ever before and last night he shut himself in the bedroom to talk to "her" and then comes out without his boxers on and I'm like what the hell in my mind. I tried to play with myself with my toy because he wasn't paying attention to me and he looked in and he didn't seem aroused (partly because he was cooking dinner). I tried to ask if i can help him cook and he turned me away. I'm trying to spend time with him and he's just too obsessed with that stupid game. Our spark is definitely lower than it has been and i really want it to flare back up. We do cuddle sometimes at night, due to covid we haven't kissed a lot, he hasn't been playful much lately either. I don't know what to do. I can't leave him because i love him so much but i don't want him to lose interest in me either. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Polga
Polga's picture
Offline
Last seen: 14 hours 30 min ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon memberOLGA member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi Kitty

Hi Kitty

Sounds like he is emotionally cheating on you. Is that OK with you ?

I suggest you check out the first aid kit for spouses and start concentrating on your self and become an awesome human being, building up your resilience, your education, you care for yourself, and nourishing other relationships. Learn to "detach with love". Maybe also look at the thread around boundaries

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Log in or register to post comments