I came across your website after many desperate searches for answers concerning my husband. I have read through so many different posts all of which have related to me in one way or the other but I am still missing something, an question that is unanswered. For you to better understand my situation I would like to tell you the whole story.
My husband and I have been married to for 2 years but we have been together for 5 years. My husband is a hard core gamer. This is so difficult for me because we have a 17 month old son that I have to think about and that he should be thinking about more. Before my husband and I got married he would play WoW for hours and hours a day. I would get aggravated at him because we lived in an apartment together and he sat around playing WoW while I handled all of the responsibilities of working a full time job, cleaning our apartment, laundry, and cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Even then, I had many conversations with him asking him to help me clean and handle part of the house work. I would get the typical "Well, tell me what you want me to do." But I felt I shouldn't have to tell him what to do all the time because as a couple we should share the responsibilities and as an adult he should know what is expected of him when you live with someone. He doesn't know how to cook so I always did the cooking which I never minded but when I am busting my butt cleaning our home after working all week while he sits there watching me clean while playing WoW, I would get so aggravated and he knew it but he would continue playing his game day after day. We would have a day or two a week in the evening where we would lay down together and watch movies which was wonderful. I was so in love with him that even though I would get aggravated, I could never stay mad at him for long because I would feel bad for getting upset with him. I don't know why I would feel so bad, I guess because I felt I was wrong to get upset with him for playing but I know now it was okay too. Before I met my husband he would play ALL the time. He was single and recently laid off. He would play all night and sleep during the day. He has always been a "hermit". He always stays indoors, he doesn't like going out and for so long until recently within the past month or two he never went anywhere and even now when he goes somewhere, it is to his friend's house to play Warhammer 40k or another game. I can't complain to much about him going to his friend's because for the first time he is being more social but he plays his game at home and then leaves to play a game at his friends again without spending time with our son. I always knew he played games but he always told me that he played because he loved playing, it was something he enjoyed, and it was his stress reliever. I always looked past his gaming because I loved him so much but also because I knew it was something he enjoyed. I never realized then that his playing was over excessive all I knew was I loved him that much. Plus, a part of me always thought that once we got married and started a family of our own everything would change. I have always brought his meals to his computer desk, refilled his drink as it got empty, and brought snacks to him as he asked for them. The only thing he had to get up from his computer for was to go to the bathroom and I imagine if I could do that for him, I would have.
To make a long story short, even after we got married and had a beautiful child he still plays far to much. They always say that having a child changes your life completely and for me it did. My eyes opened to wonderful things I could never have imagined and to really see the world in a whole knew light. For my husband, he hasn't really changed at all. My husband works from 11am-9pm Wednesday-Saturday. He wakes up at 9:30p with just enough time to get on his gaming websites, say hello to our child, and then to get a shower and leave by 10am because he has a long drive. He comes home at 9:45p after our child is already in bed (bedtime is at 8pm) and lays his wallet and keys on the kitchen counter and walks straight back to his computer to start playing his game into late hours of the night and finally goes to bed while I go to bed alone. It seems like the only time he goes to bed with me is when he is in the mood. On his 3 days off, he wakes up around 11-11:30 in the afternoon and goes straight to his computer to start playing. He may come out and say Hello to us. My husband, playing from the time he wakes up until the time he goes to sleep on his days off which can be anywhere around 1am-3am, for the exception of going to the bathroom. It depends on if he is running a dungeon with his guild.
Every night we all sit down to have a family dinner together at the table and my husband is either late to the table when I call for dinner or doesn't come at all. We spend no family time together and my son without exaggeration is lucky to have his Dad spent 30 minutes with him and an hour on a good day. My husband comes out to play with our son for 10 minutes and goes right back to his game for the rest of the day. The sad part about this is if our son wants to find his Daddy he knows right where to go, our bedroom where his computer is. It is such a sad situation for him. I never thought I would have to beg my husband to spend time with our son. I have talked to my husband so many times about spending time with our son to be a Father and not just a Dad. I told him if he doesn't change our son will only know his Dad as sitting in front of his computer while thinking that his Dad loves his computer more than he does him. I don't want our son to feel neglected and I most definitely do not want our son to fall into this addiction like his Dad. My husband does not change his ways. I have talked to him so many times to the point where I told him I was no longer going to talk to him about this and at this point it was up to him to take what I said into consideration and do with it what he will. When I confront my husband about playing games all the time I am always told I am the nagging wife and he gets very defensive and angry. He threatens to cancel his game and never play again and I try to tell him I don't want him to do that I only want him to play less and he throws a fit and says he is canceling. He has changed so much over the past couple of years. He used to be so patient with his work and now he can barely stand to go to work. He always says about how he doesn't want to go because he doesn't want to deal with idiotic customers all day. His job can be stressful at times. I have told him time and time again that his time with our son should be more than the time that he spends on his computer. It never changes. He may spend an hour or two more with us for a couple days and he goes right back to his old habits all the while saying he is bored and isn't having any fun. When I try to get him to do other things, he has no problem showing that he doesn't want to be there and ruins the fun for everyone else. I even told him that I could care less how much time he spends with me as long as he spends it with our son. When I confront him and try to have a civil discussion with no raised voices he always ends up raising his voice during our discussions. It doesn't matter if I talk to him about it or not, he is still the same. He has gone as far as to tell me to "Stop being a b*tch" right in front of our son when I tried talking to him. Our son was in my arms and he said that right in front of him. I cannot possibly express how hurt I was for him to do that. I never ever called him names in front of our son for the exception of joking around and calling him a dork. Nothing as hurtful as he has said to me. I have gotten to the point where I no longer bring him drinks, or food to his desk and because I won't do this he tells me I am being a jerk or being mean. He eventually got over that but still does not leave that computer. His obsession for years was WoW but recently within the past year he is now obsessed with Warhammer. I am at my wits end. I have been wracking my brain trying to think of what I should do at this point. My son doesn't deserve this and at the same time I want to make sure whatever I do is in the best interest of my son. My husband has never helped with our son. The number of diapers he has changed I could count on my hands. I got up every time our son cried while he slept, although he claims he got no sleep because the baby's cries woke him up too but he laid in bed the whole time. I have cared for my son from day 1 and the only thing he contributes is financial support. I love my husband but I don't know if I can do this anymore. My husband loves me and my son but he has such odd ways of showing it. He is so happy when he plays his games on his computer much happier than he is with us. There are times when I think he loves his computer more than us and that is a sad thought. My family thinks my husband is worthless and I know they think I should leave him but they are careful not to tell me what to do. They told me it is my decision and I feel so confused. I could talk to him but I don't think things will change. The only thing I have not done was threatened to end our marriage in attempt to get him away from this addiction but he has threatened to leave many times during our arguments. I sit down and think if I threaten to leave then maybe that will give him a reality check but sometimes I don't want him to have the reality check to save our marriage. I never in a million years thought there might be something better our there, someone who would be my partner and do things with me, and be a better fatherly figure for our son. NEVER, until now. I just don't know what to do anymore and I'm here hoping that someone can help me to figure out what to do. The thought of leaving our marriage really hurts because I do still love him but sometimes the thoughts of staying in it are just as hurtful. I have never had to make such a difficult decision in my life and I know if I decide to end our marriage it will be difficult for me and it will hurt (my heart is pounding in my chest as I am writing this) but at the same time I want to be completely happy again while doing the best thing for my son. I have read that so many of you have been through the same things. Please help.
I'm sorry to make this so long but I also wanted to ask if it is right of me to ask him to give up gaming all together? A while back I tried to ask him to play when our son is sleeping only but he didn't want to do that. If he wouldn't do that then chances are he wouldn't want to play less but if he were to consider playing less my concern would be that he would play less but he would fall back into his old habits of this addicition. My husband uses a headset with a microphone when he plays and talks to his friends he met through the game he plays, the only problem with his is he talks on this headset while our son is sleeping and he talks very loud to the point where he wakes up our son. I have asked him to talk lower but he claims he has to talk loud because his headset isn't all the greatest. This is a big concern of mine. His computer is in our bedroom so when I go to bed he is still in a dungeon talking to his buddies and he wakes me up as well when he starts talking and joking with them. It's not fair to either of us but most importantly not fair to our son. I'm glad he has fun but when he laughs and talks so loud that he was up our son, this is a big problem especially when he knows that it wakes him up. I have made that clear to him and he can hear him crying. Thank you all in advance for reading my long post! God Bless!
Hi Dawn, It's late and I'm off to bed, but I just wanted to know I've read your post, now about 15 minutes old. What I think your husband is not understanding is that his salary and physical presence in the home is not enough. It's about more than bringing in a pay cheque. It's not even the diaper changes; it's about intimacy. When we lose ourselves in our gaming, we're effectively dead to our loved ones. You didn't sign up for a marriage to a computer addicted zombie, but unfortunately, your husband is stuck in a virtual world that is very captivating and is meeting a felt need in his life, as you seem to indicate. (You've stated he seems very happy when he plays). Ultimately, you all lose by his emotional absence. You will hear from plenty of women who have been through the same experience. I hope he wakes up soon and realizes what a blessing you and your son are.
The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
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Misty, welcome. I am one of the gaming addicts, and not one of the "anon" folks, so I will certainly defer to their wise opinions. My heart aches for you. In addition to the support you can find here at the site, you might also want to visit Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meetings in your local area. While the substance we are addicted to might be different, the painful experience of living in close to proximity to an addict's insanity is pretty uniformly the same. The one thought I have is to make sure you and your son do not go without. It's ok to put yourself and your needs first. That's enough from me, waiting for the Anon folks to reply since I know they will share your experience and have good ideas.
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
Good morning, welcome to the site. I am also not the wife of an addict, I'm the mother of one - there are some similarities, but many differences as well. It would be presumptuous for any of us to advise you on what to do in your situation. The decision to break up a marriage is very, very serious and cannot be made all in one day. Your situation is especially upsetting because you did know that your husband had an unhealthy relationship with gaming when you married him. I know, I know, you figured he'd change, that time and children and your love would make it all different, and now you're confronting the fact that no, none of these things mattered. He didn't change, and doesn't appear likely to. Marrying someone with potential but problems, thinking they'll change, is a common mistake that young women make. Heck, I did it myself! But now that there is your son involved, the decision whether to stay or go becomes exponentially more complicated and difficult. You are also right that there is almost certainly nothing you can say, short of threatening to leave him, that will make any difference in his gaming. We certainly can't tell you anything else that will make more of an impression, besides the obvious - quit or I'm gone. And only you can make that call, if you're ready and really willing to follow through on your threat. There are a number of posts here on this site from spouse/gamers who lost their marriages and their families due to their compulsive gaming. All of them are now extremely sorry that they threw it all away for their game... but none of them really believed that the spouse would pull the plug. Until the day it happened. As in your case, the "other" spouse just got tired of the neglect, the loneliness, and the frustration of being married to a gamer who was absolutely defiant in refusing to adapt or see his way out of the selfish shell. I don't know if there is any chance your husband would do it, but I would definitely see if your husband would consent to at least visit this site and see that there are others who are trying to come to terms with their addicted gaming. Good luck to you, sweetie. Take care of that little boy, and then yourself. Hugs, Jane in CT
Thank you all for replying to my posts! I have been doing so much thinking lately. It is nice to know that I am not alone and there are others who are dealing with the same thing I am. I still hold onto hope that there might be a chance that he loves me enough to make the big change and not game as often or stop all together. Is there anyone else who asked their significant other to play less and they actually stuck to it or am I dreaming? Is it best to stop playing all together and cut off the addiction? I keep thinking if I ask my husband to stop all together that he won't, that I won't be enough to replace the games or he will think I am crazy and I'm asking to much. But then a part of me thinks that he loves me that much to give it up all together. Is it wrong for me to ask him to quit all together even though it's something he enjoys considering his excessive playing? I know I was young and in love and completely ignored the signs of his playing when our relationship was young. I loved him so much that nothing else mattered and I hoped that love would be enough. I guess I still hope that it will be enough but at the same time if he loved us enough, wouldn't he want to spend all of his time with us? One of my major concerns with his addiction is that our son will pick up my husband's addiction and that would be very unhealthy for him. I never want to see our son be like my husband. I want him to grow up and value family but what would you have if you didn't have family. I was raised in a very family oriented household and I want the same for my son. My husband's gaming takes away from that and I fear as our son gets older and starts understanding more of what is happening he will begin to feel neglected by his Dad and that is feeling I never want him to experience. Parents should never neglect there children and its sad when it is happening because of something so unimportant as gaming. Is there anyone out there with children that could give some thoughts? Any support is wonderful!
Still looking forward to others advice. I read another post with someone who is in a similar situation as my own and one of the nice people from this forum recommended doing a written contract of how much he is allowed to play to see if he is truly serious about our family to cut back. I am thinking about trying that out as well. Thanks in advance, Misty
Misty, I'm the mother of a recovering gamer and I've been married for more than 30 years so I can't help you much with regard to dealing with a gaming addicted spouse. But I'm also the daughter of an alcoholic, and I can tell what I've thought and wondered about all these years. I'm 10 years younger than my closest sibling so I have no memories of my father prior to him drinking excessively. My greatest memories of him are not happy ones. In fact, they're terrifying. He was an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic and it was just me at home with my mother for the worst of it. I believe that if my mother had left my father the first time she threatened, it would have been the last time and there's a good chance he would have stopped drinking. I think he loved her that much. But, when she backed down and let him convince her that she was the one causing his drinking problem, that was pretty much it. When my father died of a heart attack at the age of 77, they'd been married for more than 50 years. The evening before was after a night of heavy drinking on his part. He'd caused a gathering of friends who'd been together more than 40 years to break up. It was also a night of verbal abuse directed at my mother. And so those were her last memories of him. Not one of us grieved for long. I don't think I shed a tear after the first day or so. In fact, we'd all been concerned about what might happen if my mother predeceased my dad. It was nothing short of relief when he was gone. My mother even said that although she missed him and never stopped loving him, she enjoyed having years to enjoy her children and grandchildren without him. Think about the kind of relationship you want your husband and son to have. Are you heading in that direction right now? Believe me, your son isn't going to remember the few good times as vividly as he's going to remember seeing the back of his dad's head and hearing him complain about how stressful his life is. He will start to feel as though he is to blame, at least until he's old enough to see and recognize an addiction for what it is. And then he'll start to resent your husband, and at times he will even hate him so much he'll wish he was dead. No child needs to feel that way, not even for a second.
I'm sorry but he is not a good father, or husband there are options, to start, you can leave him, or find some way to limit the ill effects of his game playing on your son in my opinion, you should find someone more like yourself, more empathic and caring; there are such individuals in the world, I would know, since I recently realized I am one of them :) understand that only he can stop his excessive game playing, it could be that all he needs is more nurturing, try going to marriage counseling, tell him it's to deeper understand yourselves, don't make it related to video game playing, until it becomes necessary, so don't start with that he may be stuck in a loop, as it were, I mean this stuff has started hitting text books since 2006, it's a new kind of evil, so the solution isn't readily apparent read more on the subject
If you play video games, turn them off once in a while and rejoin life. Some of us here like you, don't ask me why.
I just wanted to say that I have no real advice...I am a poster looking for help here myself. When I read your post it literally brought tears to my eyes. I felt like I was reading my own words. I have said the exact same things before...going to bed alone every night, everyone knows where to find him (his "station" is the dining room", working full time and then working full time at home while he sits, and even saying I am surprised he doesn't cut a hole in the chair and put a bucket under it so he doesn't have to leave the game to crap. All I can say is that I have often felt alone, and if you do, know that you are not.
It's been a while since I have posted. Let me start off by saying THANK YOU those who have posted. I appreciate you advice and your support. I took some time away to do some thinking. I don't even bring up game play to my husband anymore because it always ends up in a bad argument. I definitely don't want to see my son feel the neglect and hate that your described WoW parent. I can definitely relate to your post because my Dad was an alcoholic and in a way he still is since he never stopped drinking but does drink less. He does realize the hurt that drinking put on everyone and regrets the damage it did to his marriage and our family. I don't mind if he drinks a few but I wish he didn't drink at all to this day. I have great memories of my Dad, he was not always an alcoholic. When I think back to my childhood I see the most amazing father a person could have. He did everything with my brother and I. He would play ball with us, go shopping with me, whatever we wanted him to do and we never wanted for anything. He didn't become an alcoholic until much later in our lives. We were old enough to realize his problem but it ultimately hurt. I have forgiven him since then but my brother never truly forgave him for his drinking and it bothers him A LOT when my Dad drinks around my brother. They get into an argument every time. I don't want my son to EVER feel neglect from someone who is supposed to be so important and to be a person he can rely on. I don't feel my husband is that person. The sad thing is he spends more time with me than our son. I watched him today. He got up said good morning and stayed with us for a couple of minutes and then went back to his computer to play his game. He played for several hours until I put my son down for his afternoon nap, then he came out to watch tv with me. He was in the living room with me the whole time until my son woke up which was for an hour, then he went back and played his game. He would come out once and a while to say hi to us or tickle our son for 5 minutes and then he would go right back into his room to play more. He came out hours later to eat dinner and then went back to play his game. He does say goodnight to him before he goes to bed which usually is me taking him into our room at his computer so he can say goodnight. If I take our son outside to swing, my husband will stick his hand between the blinds of our bedroom window and peck and wave to get our son's attention from the comfort of his computer chair. Even if my husband was willing to change his playing habits, I'm not sure I want to be with him anymore but at the same time the thought of telling him to leave hurts because I love him. My birthday was yesterday and my husband played for most of the day yesterday. I asked him why and he told me because I wasn't doing anything....yeah, I wasn't because no one was with me to do anything with. We couldn't go out that day which didn't bother me but he didn't try to do anything to make it special at home. My Mom was the one who bought me a birthday cake and ice cream. My Dad wouldn't come up to have cake because he is ready to strangle my husband because of the pain he has put us through. My husband started a conversation with me the other day about how I don't compromise and if I wasn't willing to then we should start talking about taking different routes. The idea of this scares me because I we have been together for 5 years but a part of me wants to live my life again. My husband brings me down so often . There are times I don't want him to hug me or kiss me anymore but at the same time it's scary to think of being without him because I am worried I would be making a mistake divorcing him but I must think of my son not myself. I worry about the custody hearings and divorce court. Even though I know that I will have custody the idea is scary because no one wants to have to go through it. When you marry you think it is forever, that's what I thought. I thought he would change but I am beginning to realize that if I ask him to change he will become unhappy, more so than he already is and we will end up getting a divorce anyway. I am already a single parent and have been since my son was born so this would be nothing new to me. I wish my husband could be like my Dad and be a father doing things with our son like our Dad did but this is just a dream. I am lucky to get my husband outside. He never does anything and anymore I don't want to do anything with him even if he wanted to which is sad. We used to be inseparable and now I don't even miss him when I am away for days at a time visiting family. I went to visit my brother 2 weeks ago and was gone for 4 days both my son and I and my son didn't even show stress or anything being away from home or his Dad for that long because I was there and my Mom which are the two people he sees the most. My son says Mom all the time but doesn't know how to say Dad. It's so sad, when my husband and I do finally sit down to talk about the compromising topic and gaming, I don't see it ending well at all. We talked about counseling with the pastor of my church but a part of me doesn't want too. What does that mean? I think I agree with Thracius, I may need to find someone more like myself and someone who would be a better father figure and who would be willing to do things with my son like a father should. Again, thank you all for reading and your continued support and advice.
Misty, I don't have any good advice other than to look for Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings in your local area. Although the addictive "things" are different, the family disease is the same. The Olga-non members know very well the pain of what you are going through, but my thought is that the face-to-face Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings would provide extra support and some local people so you realize how much help is really available to you. I'm so sorry for what you are having to go through.
Cheers, Desire to Stop
ALL quoted text (unless otherwise stated) comes from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (with wording sometimes changed only to make it more relevant for gaming addiction). I will include page numbers.
Hoping & praying for a measure of recovery for all of us today.
""My husband started a conversation with me the other day about how I don't compromise and if I wasn't willing to then we should start talking about taking different routes. "" This is his way of controlling and threatening you- that your relationship will exist only while you let him game and behave irresponsibly. He is playing on your fear and sense of insecurity and yes, your love for him. What he is saying is- If you do this ( talk about my gaming and neglect of my child), we will have to discuss alternate arrangements/ different routes.( You do notice how vague the 'different routet idea is- not a plan of action- but a way to protect his addiction). Sometimes, addicts think we love them more than we love ourselves. Some are mistaken, and find themselves on a' different route'- one which they do not control and has a sad and sorry destination. As we saw in "Second Skin" and for some of us who know addicted gamers, the 'alternate route' usually ends up in squalor with holes in your shoes and a body odour that could knock down a heifer cow. Only you can decide how to cope with this, Misty. But as your husband has abandoned his responsibilities to you, your relationship and most importantly his own son, and has chosen his addiction to gaming over you all, it is your responsibility as the only functioning and accountable parent to decide what is and is not acceptable treatment of your child ( not to mention yourself.)
Hi I'm new here and I'm a gaming addict. I must say that as addicted as your husband is he wouldn't be able to play less, he has to admit he has a problem and completely cut it out of his life. I was finally able to make that decision when I was able to see how it was ruining my life. Right now, he has no reason to quit. You need to give him one. I don't think you need to be considering a divorce just yet. But I do think that a separation is very much needed. And you can't just threaten him with it. Make the necessary preperations and do it. Make sure he knows that you are not asking for a divorce, but giving him a chance to choose between you and the games. I would find him a counselor that understands his addiction and tell him that if he wants his family back he will see the counselor and you will not come back to him until THE COUNSELOR says hes ready. Yes, this is extreme, but its the only way to make sure your child grows up with the father figure he deserves. If you don't do it for yourself do it for your child. If your husband chooses the games over you then good riddance. You deserve better.
Misty, you have a hard decision to make. You sound like you are emotionally one foot out the door already. Only you can decide if staying is better than leaving based on your life as it really is, not as you hope it will be. What compromise is he asking for? That is a pretty vague request to make of you. Whichever choice you make, you need to make sure that your son can rely on you and your ability to provide for him. If you decide that hope springs eternal, and stay anyway, make sure you have your own money and your own ability to make money. You may need to support yourself and your son in the not too distant future. Your dad or your brother can maybe take the role of the important man in your son's life since your husband is not living up to the role. He is a man, not a baby, and doesn't need someone to bring him his food and drink. That is called enabling. He can get up from the game and take care of it himself or go hungry. Not your problem. Live your life the way you want, with him or without him. His choice. If you find that you can be happy and strong without him, you will probably find the courage to leave. I doubt that arguing, pouting, cajoling, anything with words will solve anything. Take actions. All decisions should be on what is best for your son, and an emotionally absent father is not much of a role model.
Janet
jsm, you are right about being emotionally one step out the door already. I can't help but think that there is someone out there who is better for me, who will see me as his #1 and not running in second place behind a computer game. I can't say that I regret ever marrying him even though I knew about his excessive gaming because if I didn't I wouldn't have an amazing son and I could never see my life without him. He is the best thing in my life and definitely a beautiful thing to come out of a now troubled relationship. I realize now that I let him get away with so much and let him game regardless of how it bothered me because I loved him that much. As far as the compromising goes, he was pretty vague about what he would like me to compromise on. He said it always has to be my way which I REALLY disagree with that statement. Why else does he get to play his games whenever he pleases and never has to lift a finger...But when I tried to talk to him about it tonight he wouldn't tell me exactly what he wanted me to compromise on so I tried to talk about his lack of help in the house his only reply was he didn't want to talk right now which I get a lot. I really don't want to hurt his feelings but I have already begun preparing for a possible divorce. I have been little by little for quite some time because unlike him I see our relationship getting worse and worse. He thinks that all of our arguing is okay when it is not. Sure, couples argue but we have been arguing so much lately that I think it is unhealthy for our son. He thinks I am overly dramatic about our arguing and he doesn't see what I see with our relationship. He acts like everything is fine. I have also noticed that he has so much trouble handling things at work anymore. He does technical support work for computers and his patience for customers and new comers to computers has gone downhill drastically to the point where he hates work and wants to quit. He got upset with me on the phone today because he had a bad day at work and I forgot to buy Powerball tickets because the jackpot was high. He told me he could have quit his job if we won. I had so much to do today that I completely forgot and the drawing was today but I didn't find that to be something to get mad at me about. He comes home from work most days with a bad attitude because he had a rough day and radiates it to everyone else which I don't think is fair. His temper worries me sometimes because he gets mad over such small things anymore most especially things that have to do with his computer. I turned off his computer yesterday in our bedroom because it puts out so much heat and he had a mini hissy because I did. I'm ready for something more, if it wasn't for our son I would have been out the door already. I guess at this point, I need the support to call the neglect quits. My only concern is the way people change on each other when the word divorce is uttered. They become completely different people and I don't want to make him cry. I also worry about how it will effect my son later on in life but at the same time like so many others have said when he gets old enough to understand what is happening he may feel responsibility for my husbands playing or feel neglect and feel like his Daddy loves the computer more than he loves him. I have tried to tell my husband this so many times and he refuses to listen but it will happen if things continue the way that they are. I know my husband loves me and would probably be lost if something were to happen between us but I'm not sure what else to do. Thank you all for your support and advice. You have been so wonderful! Misty
I just joined this group today. I can't believe that I have been married for 9 years, in the same situation (just the faces and names hav been changed LOL) as Mistydawn and have not joined this group before for support. We have 2 children 2y and 4y. Things are getting totally out of hand with verbal and "almost" physical abuse of the kids and me which is what is prompting me to make an immediate change in our situation, but the gamming addiction has been an issue since before our first was born. He told me then that he would never stop playing the games and I'd better not to ask him to choose because he won't. I should have gotten the message then but as mistydawn points out DIVORCE or even SEPARATION is so scary when you are right down in the process. He will tell you himself that he "hated people" is "not good at anything but the computer so he doesn't even know why he tries" and is so moody and stressed out when we do things as a family.
It is so weird to me to find others on here saying the same things that I am going through like, he doesn't even take out the trash, he works, pays the bills and plays WoW, we go on vacation and before we are in the hotel 5 min he is online, my child wants their non-mean daddy back, kids look at the computer first to find their dad, uninteresed in sex and at the same time only goes to bed or watched a tv show with you when he wants sex, spouse eats meal in front of the computer, work buddies (his boss!!! in my case) play with him on there, loosing temper with people at work and not going to work to play the game.
Since I am so new, and I fianally ready to make a real change, I don't think I can give any advice. I would like to say, though, that over the past 9 years things have been slowly getting worse in our home. From talking agressively about bad drivers, racist remarks, and work stress in our 2nd year of marraige to now throwing stuff at me, the kid's trike across the house, loosing temper and insulting our kids and being too physically agressive with them and spending the majority of his time online. Any interuption of game time or interruption of daytime sleep needed from nightime gaming is met with anger. This does not go away. Something has to be done about it.
BeeWoW
BeeWOW, I feel your pain and I have been right where you are. A year ago, I gave my ultimatum...and in return my husband completely shut me and our 3 kids out. He quit his job and refused to work for 4+ months (not the first time)... The past year has been hell, I ended up filing for divorce, because he refused to talk to me, refused to attend mediation...what other choice did I have? I have 3 children who are suffering along with me. The divorce is almost finalized. I will have full custody. He left yesterday, after 10 years - I didn't even get a good bye. I don't know what happens now...except that everyone here is heartbroken and devastated and I am left alone to pick up the peices... I wish you strength and luck, so you can start a new life for you and your children.
I also know how you feel. Read the thread http://www.olganon.org/?q=node/17483 to see my story. My wife wakes up, and heads for the computer, and basically stays there except for minor breaks to get kids on a bus, shop (occasionally), eat (sometimes), and sleep, but only when she is exhausted.
Like you, I fear divorce and really wonder if things will be any better apart. I certainly would not want to give the kids even less parental attention than they have now. I joined a couple of social groups and hope to find real-life friendship and understanding first.
BeeWow: This morning, my wife went to bed at 5 AM, a little before I was to wake up. I had to leave for work at 7:15. I called her from work at 8:30 and woke her up to get the other kids on their 9:15 bus. I know, in a way, I'm enabling by letting her get away with this abnormal sleep schedule, but I would not want our kids to miss school because of it.
Midsummerstars,
I'm sorry you and your children must go through this. It's nice to know that I am not alone in this but at the same time I hate to see someone else have to go through this. You know it is bad when you get to the point in our situation when it doesn't bother you anymore that he plays all the time because then you can do what you want to do and live your life freely. I know so many times I would not go anywhere because he never wanted to and if I did go and make him go or go without him he would make the day so miserable that you might as well not even go. I won't let him do that to me anymore. The sad thing about my situation is that when my husband does actually want to walk away from his computer, he always wants to spend time with me and not our son. I don't think I will ever understand that. I don't care if he wants to be this way towards me but when he does it to our son and neglects our son it affects me in a way that I can't describe. No amount of time he spends with me could make us any closer when he neglects our son. I don't think he understands that. I have gotten the same things that you have that playing games is the only thing he is good at and when he does do something else he makes everyone else miserable. I'm glad you are getting the chance to live your life freely because life is to short to live this way. I wish you and your children the best of luck! If you ever need to talk don't hestitate to send me a message.
God Bless,
Misty Dawn
First Life,
I'm so sorry to read about what you are going through. I completely understand what you mean about giving your children less parental attention. The only difference is my husband is here with us but his presence and lack of attention would be no difference if we were divorced. It's hard to make such a decision especially when you have to think about your children. I only hope that your wife will wake up and realize what she is losing before it is to late. I could never see myself wrapped up into something so much that my son took second place...never ever. The best advice I can give is to do what is best for you and your children. Life is to short to be unhappy.