Talked with him about WoW incognito

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agb.sadwife
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Talked with him about WoW incognito

This morning we talked about the gaming issue without once saying the words gaming or WoW. Thats how beaten into the ground the issue has become. Its the skeleton in our closet (marriage).

He said that I have been on silent protest for the past month and he didn't understand why. It took me 5 years to realize that fighting is futile when one is dealing with an addiction. The fighting that we did over the game only fueled his playing- as it give him an excuse to play more- his righteous retaliation despite me!

Now that I have been silent and without any affection, he is acknowledging that there is something wrong. I told him gently but firmly that I love him but will not live with his "lifestyle" choice forever. I also said that I would be willing to get personal counseling (after he said that our problems are not just due to him). I said he also has to be willing to talk with a counselor and we can invest in a different hobby for him. I told him twice that I love him and care for him very much and will accept him for his choices, as he is a grown man. However, I will not keep living this way. He stayed quiet and listened and then as he left said in a defensive tone "I heard what you said".

I know what happens next, he will come up with one of his many tried-but-failed compromises to play the game less. It works for about a week and then back to the same. (five years and five counselors)

I think the conversation was more for my own personal process. I want to feel like I was loving and supportive to the end, even if its these small conversations in between my silent protest. What breaks my heart the most is that my 4 year old daughter is in her daddy phase. She cries when he leaves for work and it breaks my heart that she may have to endure a separation of her parents one day. Maybe I should live in silent protest until she can understand why her Mommy gave up and moved on. . .but how long can I live like this?

gsingjane
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Hi AGB, what a sad post and

Hi AGB, what a sad post and what a sad situation. Only you can know when it is time to move on. Nobody can tell you definitively whether to leave now, give it more time, suffer in silence, suffer loudly, or just give up. It is all just so, so depressing and sad. The one thing I do know is that if you are thinking about giving him an ultimatum, you must be prepared to follow through on it if it comes down to it. Threatening to leave if he doesn't stop playing, and then staying anyway if he doesn't stop, will only make the situation worse and put you in a more defensive position than before. I am just so sorry about your daughter. With time, love and care, hopefully she can still grow into a healthy life... many children of divorce do. You will want to be very careful about her potentially getting involved with people with addiction problems, this seems to happen an awful lot to kids who saw it growing up. Hang in there sweetie. I wish there was more we could do. Jane in CT

agb.sadwife
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Thanks Jane. I do need to

Thanks Jane. I do need to be reminded of that because my honesty and frustration gets the best of me. I am trying to avoid the ultimatum until I am in a situation where I can follow through. I feel like the conversation that we had was a type of gentle warning/foreshadowing (not that I believe he will have an epiphany). It was more for my peace of mind and sanity. I was laid off in December and we are trying to sell the house. Until that happens, and until I find a job for myself, I rely on him for support. So many things must fall into place before I can put down an ultimatum. I may have options of sharing a home with another family or single mom when I find work and we get rid of the mortgage together. The transition that we are going through now may be a blessing in disguise. If I have the option of getting my own place and no longer sharing a mortgage or rent, he may have to finally confront the skeleton in the closet. I remain cautiously hopeful.

Delirium
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Just my opinion, but parents

Just my opinion, but parents who stay in a marriage because of their children are NOT doing the children any favors. I'm not advocating staying or leaving. It at least seems like he may have at least acknowledged slightly there may be a problem. I come from seperated parents and I can honestly say that I'm glad I did. When my parents were together, my father virtually ignored me. It wasn't until after the divorce that he took an interest in me because now he saw that I was not something guaranteed to be around. Also, the last thing you want your daughter seeing is a relationship that is an emotional void. Like it or not, children tend to fall into the same patterns their parents did. If you allow yourself to be run over emotionally and just 'accepting' of your lot chances are you daughter will have self esteem problems and enter into the same kind of relationship or not have the courage to break free. My father was emotionally abusive to my mother and my mother also did not want me growing up around that and end up thinking that is how marriages are supposed to be like. My step father was a better role model for me when it came to marriage and to being a father. Don't get me wrong, I love my father deeply, but if I had to choose who I'd rather be like as a father and a husband I'd pick my step father every day of the week over my father.

-Slade
"Falling down is not a failure. Not getting back up is the true failure"

Gnosis
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Perhaps he takes you for

Perhaps he takes you for granted and thinks that whatever happens you will still be there for him. Maybe he thinks that "it's just a phase" you're going through and it will pass. If things got to an extreme stage I would confront him about it clearly and if he doesn't change then I would take the child and leave him there for a few days (if I had an alternative place to go). Maybe he will come to his senses and quit that destructive game that crushes the spirits and lives of people. If not then he obviously cares more about some pixels and you're fighting a meaningless war. Extreme action for an extreme addiction but sometimes it's needed to wake the addicts up.

An hour of gaming is an hour wasted.

agb.sadwife
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If I have to eventually

If I have to eventually leave, I will have to be prepared to make it more than a few days. . . I think it would take A LONG time for him to prove to me that it was out of his life for good and to rebuild trust between us. I have suffered through his addiction, while he has been a zombie for thousands of hours over the last four years. I used to beat myself up thinking, "why doesnt he want to spend time with me?" And I am an independent person, who likes her own alone time! I am starting regret that we talked this morning, because although the ultimatum wasn't given, he is going to think a little cut back on his play time is okay. I really have no leverage.

agb.sadwife
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Just wanted to give a quick

Just wanted to give a quick update. Last night I expected that my husband would try to negotiate a cut back in his playing. Instead, he approached the conversation as being/hurt upset about my plans with a girlfriend on Valentines day (instead of with him). Which is silly because we haven't done much in last few years unless I initiate. This year I decided I would have more fun hanging out with my friend. He didn't come up with any plans to cut back on the game. He also went on to say that he thought our marriage was in jeopardy. Whether he truly believes this of just wants to make me feel like he cares that I am upset, I don't truly know. I think he wants to tell me what I want to hear. . . He also said that he has a lot of insecurities. . .he also played a bit of a victim role about our financial situation (which is not that different than most other young 30s trying to get careers established). He will say he is willing to see a counselor to work through these insecurity issues, but he never follows through on that. Long story short, he said a few things that I felt were authentic and honest, but there was absolutley no recognition of his game problem and of course, no behavoir changes. After a respectful and gentle conversation, he went right in to play the game from 9pm-1:30am. Talk about spinning your wheels. Its becoming more apparent to me everyday that I really may have to walk away.

mscorpio76
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I first want to applaude the

I first want to applaude the restraint you've shown in not giving him an ultimatum! I know just how difficult that is! You are clearly a remarkable woman and a STRONG ONE!! My husband (supposedly) stopped gaming but he has resorted to being so hateful that I questioned whether I did the right thing or not. You are absolutely entitled to how you feel! Its sounds like he's doing the same thing my husband is doing...trying to make you feel guilty. Making plans with your friend is a great idea! I'm sure you two will have a blast! Don't think for one second that his problems are because of you! They are not! No matter what your daughter will, no doubt, grow up to be a strong woman just like her mother! : ) My thoughts are with you both!! Michelle

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agb.sadwife wrote: Just
agb.sadwife wrote:

Just wanted to give a quick update. Last night I expected that my husband would try to negotiate a cut back in his playing. Instead, he approached the conversation as being/hurt upset about my plans with a girlfriend on Valentines day (instead of with him). Which is silly because we haven't done much in last few years unless I initiate. This year I decided I would have more fun hanging out with my friend. He didn't come up with any plans to cut back on the game. He also went on to say that he thought our marriage was in jeopardy. Whether he truly believes this of just wants to make me feel like he cares that I am upset, I don't truly know. I think he wants to tell me what I want to hear. . . He also said that he has a lot of insecurities. . .he also played a bit of a victim role about our financial situation (which is not that different than most other young 30s trying to get careers established). He will say he is willing to see a counselor to work through these insecurity issues, but he never follows through on that. Long story short, he said a few things that I felt were authentic and honest, but there was absolutley no recognition of his game problem and of course, no behavoir changes. After a respectful and gentle conversation, he went right in to play the game from 9pm-1:30am. Talk about spinning your wheels. Its becoming more apparent to me everyday that I really may have to walk away.

What do you do when he is playing WoW? Do you sit home or do you go out? It might be a good idea trying to get out more with your friends while he plays WoW. Surely if he cares a bit he will start noticing you are away and start caring. Now that I think about it you probably have to take care of your child so you probably don't go out much.

An hour of gaming is an hour wasted.

agb.sadwife
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During the week I spend

During the week I spend evenings reading and studying. I am quite content with that. I gave up trying to get his attention LONG ago. . . I spend most weekend nights out with friends- my daughter is in bed by 7:00. He has definilty noticed that I am not home on the weekends and he seems insecure and has questioned if I have a "friend" on the side. I definitly refrain from that, as a person of integrity. Its funny (and sad) to think he is in bondage to a computer, even while feeling insecure about me. . . I suppose a person without a true addiction would simply refrain from playing and try to re-connect with their loved one. How ironic and sad is this situation. . . I am feeling completely lonely and neglected, and apparently he is as well. Last summer we took a long weekend to go camping- the first vacation as a family. He was anxiety ridden towards the end of the 4 days and he kept saying in a puzzeled way "I don't know why I can't relax, I feel so anxious". I keep waivering between acceptance of this problem and denial. I have deep saddness today.

dawn
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you are not alone. my

:grouphug: you are not alone. my thoughts and prayers are with you. no matter the outcome I can tell you are a intelligent, strong and beautiful woman that will make it through. Dawn

Take the first step in faith. You donaEU(tm)t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
~Bob Newhart
The minute you alter your perception of yourself and your future, both you and your future begin to change. ~Marilee Zdenek

Maschinca
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agb.sadwife wrote: I
agb.sadwife wrote:

I suppose a person without a true addiction would simply refrain from playing and try to re-connect with their loved one. How ironic and sad is this situation. . . I am feeling completely lonely and neglected, and apparently he is as well.

He is lonely as well, very lonely. Addiction is based on isolation, so as long as he plays he will not be able to reconnect. This is the real tragedy of excessive gaming, the pain and neglect it causes in loved ones and the inability of the excessive gamer to see and understand that while they them self feel lonely too. As long as he is in denial he will not change and he will make up reasons or excuses to game. Your situation is very difficult and I hope you will find at least some peace until you are ready to move on with your life, with or without him. Be well.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" -------Mahatma Gandhi.

sandi64
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YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON...

YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON...

dawn
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:grouphug:

Take the first step in faith. You donaEU(tm)t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.
Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.
~Bob Newhart
The minute you alter your perception of yourself and your future, both you and your future begin to change. ~Marilee Zdenek

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