UGH--felt like a "Game Nazi" yesterday

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What-kind-of-woman
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UGH--felt like a "Game Nazi" yesterday

So, on July 1, my husband wrote on paper: "I will not play computer games until the kids are in bed."

(I didn't dictate these words to him. I confronted him and requested that he give me "something", some agreement. This is what he gave me.)

Except for one evening early on, when he started a game while the kids were still getting ready for bed--technically not IN bed yet, so he was inching back a bit--he has held to the agreement as far as I can see. And it has been a pleasant cease-fire peace kind of feeling. I have SO appreciated having the kids NOT witness their father wasting time on computer games.

So yesterday, late morning, the kids were watching T.V., and I found my husband a few feet away on the computer, playing a very simple bowling game. I mean, it's like Solitaire. You use your mouse to roll a bowling ball down the lane and try to knock down the pins. Virtual bowling.

I took a minute to think about whether I should remind him of his game agreement. On the one hand, it was JUST bowling, and he was probably JUST going to play it for a few minutes!

On the other hand, I fear that if he experienced the mindless escape of a game during the daytime again, he'd feel the pull of it more and more. Even a simple mindless escape. In other words, I fear that if I give an inch, he'll take a mile.

And on the other-other hand:

He wrote down an agreement! Come on!

I decided to not let this one just sort of float by.

So I asked, "What's the game for?"

And guys, he looked at me like I was...(fill in the blank). You know that look! Like...withering disbelief. Like...what planet are you from? Like...seriously, you're going to be a NAG?

That look!

I wasn't sure what to say. Thoughts swirled in my mind, all about how he wrote something down, and if he doesn't honor what he wrote, I can't really trust him, -- but also I GET how crazy I look for cracking down on something so stupid as virtual bowling in a window 1/10th the size of the computer screen--

I didn't know what to say, so said nothing, and just looked at him. After about 20 seconds he sighed and closed the laptop lid.

And so, UGH. That wasn't fun. Being the person who cracks down on, basically, a few minutes of Solitaire.

I just really don't trust him when it comes to the games.

(C'mon everybody--tell me about that "look" you get!)

Jo

What-kind-of-woman
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Just want to add that I've

Just want to add that I've been thinking about those "3 C's". (didn't cause, can't control, can't cure)

Yesterday I wondered if calling him on the virtual bowling was the equivalent of trying to "control and cure".

Did I go the control route?

the_real_me
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If anything, you pointed out

If anything, you pointed out his gaming. Online bowling isn't an MMO in HIS mind...but it is still gaming.

The question is....will you be able/courageous/adult enough to sacrifice that which merely pleases you...for that which will truly fulfill you? That is the question of personal growth.
~~~Dem518
~~~wow-free since 8/22/09

gsingjane
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My first response to this is

My first response to this is to repeat the well-worn - but very true - saying that addiction is a whole-family sickness.

Jane in CT

catherinek
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Why are you trying to

Why are you trying to micromanage an addicts behaviour? ( if indeed the husband in question is an addict- I am making an assumption).

What do you think you or your family will gain from that?

Ariadne
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Hi - I know for myself i

Hi - I know for myself i would never want to be managed like, whether it is related to my gaming addiction or other. It would make me very angry. I also understand your point of view, because I can see my self wanting to do the same if the shoe was on the other foot. I would want to say - "but you agreed".

As the gaming addict trying to recover here, i would suggest an idea that instead of nagging him to get off the games, which seems to then transfer the responsibility of gaming to YOU - just set some consequence(s), and then do them. I don't know what those consequences should be, but consider telling your husband..."you broke our deal, if you do it again, i will be doing 'x'. Don't negotiate what the 'x' is with him - just decide what it is you need to do for yourself and family. If he does it again, then do 'x' - no negotiation.

I don't know if that will work, but i think you will have a higher chance of getting his attention and you might feel better too. Please anyone who thinks this is a bad idea - just say so - i'm no family counselor or psychologist.

Ariadne~
Letting go again - Change is never easy, I fight to hold on, and I fight to let go.

dark (not verified)
Hi What, Even after 6+

Hi What,

Even after 6+ months not gaming - when my beautiful wife thinks I am spending too much time on the computer - posting here, checking email, reading newspapers (all fairly unproductive stuff really) - she accuses me of gaming. I let it go.

The point is gaming addiction poisons relationships for a very long time. Accept it.

On the other hand I agree with previous posts, you are trying to micro-manage. And you are letting your emotions control you. You need to research, make a plan and stick to it.

Let me use an example - I am always telling our children not to leave a mess around the house. Now especially as they are on holiday I have lower tolerance. When I get home sometimes I got ballistic and shout (their words not mine). The point is does this accomplish anything? Not a whit. Makes me angry. Makes them resentful. Stupid really.

Far better for me to make a plan and let the little things go - focus on whats important and reward good behaviour. Controlling their mess? At 12 & 14 - I am sorry that ship already sailed.

Far better I pick up after them, show and example and focus on what I can manage - their education, sports etc.

Sorry to say that for the time being you have lost your husband and gained a (selfish) child. Will you get him back? Nobody can say. But you can control your own life, your own reactions and not his.

Keep focussing on the addiction part - in your communication with him. Eg. Do you wish to have our children growing up addicted to computer games (and failing Uni - plenty of examples of this on this site). I think you understand what I am saying. Maybe eventually the message will sink in if delivered in a reasoned, rational way.

I am so sorry for your pain.

- dark

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Everybody, thank you for

Everybody, thank you for your frank and honest feedback. It's all very helpful!

-Jo

myrtlehorn
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I feel like this often.  My

I feel like this often. My husband cannot control his time on the computer and I feel neglected and cheated. Thank you for sharing.

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