You and I

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wiltedrose
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You and I

We had a fight the other night about his addiction and as usual I ended up crying and saying forget about it, I'm sorry. He told me that the past year has been all about me and that I should move out. He holds it over me every time we fight about anything. He brings up my mistakes in the past year and I have since then done everything in my power to atone for them, including giving my privacy and doing things for him I have never done for anyone. But he seems to forget my sacrifices whenever we argue about his addiction and about how it's time for him to grow up.

It's not always like this...Like every person with an addiction, he is amazing when he isn't in the throngs of his gaming. For whatever reason he gets irate when people start demanding real life things of him when he is gaming. The other night he got angry at me because I wanted to have sex. He explained to me that his libido is down and that he doesn't know what I want from him when I ask that we "spend time together". He doesn't want to go outside and he doesn't typically like any of the ideas I pitch, so I am vague when I say I want to spend time. He doesn't like that and he says I am relying on him to come up with ideas. We can't spend money at the moment and I am frankly afraid to talk to him for fear he will just get mad. How does someone have a relationship like this? But like I said, he isn't always like this. He is wonderful, kind, considerate, loving, and fun...just not right now.

On top of this, my ex is starting to pop up in my life. Which only puts my bf off even more. Not to be spiteful, but if my ex is paying attention to me while my current isn't then there is an issue here. I have no reason to trust my ex but the attention is nice and I wish my bf would get out of his game into mine. Problem? yes. Solution???

Patria
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Have you tried going to a

Have you tried going to a face to face anon group (for families/friends) of addicts? Like Nar-anon is a good one: http://www.nar-anon.org/Nar-Anon/Nar-Anon_Home.html

Living with an addict is not fun. Living with an addict is very much like living with a person whose combination plate is a taco short.

You have to understand that what you are dealing with is the addiction, not the person. As you say, the person can be quite wonderful "when not dealing with his addiction".

Please don't settle for the "ex" just because he looks good compared to the present bf.

Get some healing for yourself. Get help for yourself. Read all the posts here from significant others. You cannot do this alone; and you cannot expect a real life with an untreated addict.

What we all need to do--me too, since I am both an addict and live with an addict (however, both of us are sober)--is get well ourselves. We get so focused on the addict in our lives that we tend to forget we're a person with real needs: love, safety, comfort, companionship.

Right now your addict is taking care of his addiction. Please don't think you can change him or cure him. You can't. What you can do is take care of yourself...maybe, and it just might happen, if you do that, he may notice it and want to change too. But don't count on it. Sometimes they change sometimes they don't.

Whatever you do, take care of yourself and learn about addiction.

Silvertabby
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Hi wiltedrose.  Addicts

Hi wiltedrose. Addicts have a great way of putting all the blame on someone else. They just don't want to take responsibilty for their addiction. You can give and give and give and they are blind to it. All they see is their need for the game. So don't take it personally when he is blind to what you are doing and still puts all the blame on you. It's just the addict talking. As Pat said, do take care of yourself apart from your boyfriend. And don't enable him by doing anything for him that will make it easier for him to game. He needs to suffer the consequences for his addiction. *hugs*

 

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. ~Maria Robinson

magic widow
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Joined: 07/18/2011 - 5:57pm
Hi wiltedrose! It's amazing

Hi wiltedrose!

It's amazing how so many of us on here are going through similar things. Near the end of my relationship with my ex-bf, I started communicating via email with an ex from years ago. It was just friendly emails back and forth, but I knew that the real reason I sought him out was because like you, I felt totally neglected, ignored by and invisible to my ex-bf. Honestly, the attention felt great and all the things my ex from years and years ago was telling me about how amazing he thought I was felt incredible. But ultimately, I knew what I was doing was only going to leave me doubly wounded in the end...using one man's attention to band-aid the lack of attention from my addicted ex-bf.

I ended up ending the relationship with my ex-bf for multiple reasons. In addition to his gaming addiction, I also knew that if I had reached the point of seeking out attention from other men, even if it was just emails, then that was a clear sign to me that I needed to get out of the relationship ASAP before I did something I would truly regret.

Addiction is an ugly horrible beast and I hate it!!!!!!!!!!! Not only does it change the people we love into someone horrible and unrecognizable, it often makes those of us in love with addicts compromise our own values in order to hold the relationship together.

One thing I've learned from my Olga comrades is that in a real relationship, both people feel valued, loved and important. Addiction however, robs the relationship of that, and although it feels great for the moment, an ex from the past isn't a sustainable long term solution for the problems in your relationship, at least it wasn't for me.

I'm soooo glad you are here! Focus on taking care of yourself and if you need anything, I'm here. Feel free to send me a message anytime!

MW

wiltedrose
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Thank you magic widow! I

Thank you magic widow! I certianly will keep in touch because lord knows I need the support! :D

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