You probably don't remember me...........

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lawlady
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You probably don't remember me...........

I was here back in the fall, regarding my husband's gaming. Well, i'm back. He got rid of the game in December (on his own...said it was boring him), but turned around and got it back January 15, 2008. It was a wonderful month, and a wonderful Christmas...without him sitting on the computer 50-60 hours a week. At first it was rough; he was agitated and restless and very grumpy and bored, but that started to pass and my 'old' husband returned. Even his mom noticed the difference in him. He was laughing more, smiling more, 'bouncy'...it was great. Then, out of the blue, D and D returned. He limited himself to three nights a week, and has kept that promise...Wed, Fri, and (all day long--10-plus hours) Sunday. I love Mondays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays. I'm still getting resentful, tho. The game makes me angry...no, ****ed. I hate listening to it, i hate hearing him talk into his mic and laugh with them, i hate the look of it on the screen. He can't wait to get on the computer on his days. Why do i get so angry when he is keeping his word? I am seriously asking! I dispise being so angry inside! He is keeping his word!

I asked him once to please not refer to me as 'wife agro'. I leave him alone when he is playing, as much as i can as a mom of six kids, five of whom still live at home. Yesterday, i came into the living room and walked up to him to tell him that i wasn't going to go to church that evening. I noticed he had cleared the 'party' chat box and i asked him about it, and he said he was just messing with the guys. I could tell that one of the words that was just partly showing was 'agro', and i said, 'uh-oh, who's talking about wife agro?' I didn't say it mean at all, i laughed a little bit, even. And he got real defensive and said 'I don't know'. Well, i went outside and thought about it...i'm not stupid, ya know. I went ahead a went to church and when i came home i asked him about it...why he 'cleared' the screen when i came up to him, and who was talking about wife agro. He admitted that he did, in telling them that if he played more than three days a week, i gave him 'wife agro'. I was really hurt!!!! Not only did he do something that i had specifically asked him not to do, he lied to me about it! And then i reminded him that i NEVER said he could only play three days a week...that's a schedule he put himself on, all BY himself. I thought he did it to keep balance with the family and play time...out of respect and love for us. Not because i gave him 'wife agro'. Am i being too sensitive with that? Do i have a reason to be hurt?

I love my husband dearly and i recognize that the GAME is what changed him. I do not want to leave him. I know the wonderful man i married eight years ago is still there. I have started my own thing,,,i started going back to church, and taking the kids with me, and making friends and getting a life. I keep reminding myself that i don't need to be so angry when he plays as he really is keeping his end of the deal up...a deal i didn't initiate, mind you. Anyway...thanks for listening once again...

Linda

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I remember you, Linda! I'm

I remember you, Linda! I'm sad to hear that your husband is playing again, even if he's sticking to his self-imposed limitations. He has proven that he can't go indefinitely without his "fix". So now he's an addict who only indulges in his drug of choice 4 days per week. You need to prepare yourself for a change there, too. I have a hunch he'll pick back up unless he quits completely again. We are always here for you and I commend you for your strength. I can't imagine keeping up with a household and kids without a full-time partner!

John of the Roses
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Regarding your interruptions

Regarding your interruptions of his gaming, for whatsoever reason as "wife aggro", is insulting to say the least. It is a phrase used by a group insinuating interference of the common goal. I have used it several times and everyone laughs and laughs. I now know how serious a mistake that road took me. If he is engaging in this activity, he is certainly not on any road to recovery, but sidestepping you and his family.

"There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative." --W. Clement Stone

Maschinca
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Linda, You have every

Linda, You have every reason to be hurt. Not just because your husband went back to his "drug" but also very much so because of what he says about "wife aggro". It is very insulting indeed. He seems to be trying to have it both ways, his game and his family.He sets limits for himself to make sure he can game. But who is he kidding here? He is living half a life and forces the same on you. Your anger towards this game is absolutely justified and understandable. Of course you hate that game, it takes away your husband from you and your children, it changes him. He is an excessive gamer in spite the fact he set limitations for himself. As a husband and father playing + 10 hours on Sunday's is very excessive. I hope he will realize soon he can't keep gaming and that things will improve for you and your family.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" -------Mahatma Gandhi.

mingo
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I hope that you are not

I hope that you are not offended but I find a little humor in the aEUoewife agroaEU title.. I know IaEU(tm)ve been a major aEUoehusband agroaEU to my wife when it comes to her gamingaEU| IaEU(tm)ve shut off the power, cut phone connections and cable connections, sabotaged computers and PDAaEU(tm)s ,yelled, stomped my feet, screamed at the top of my lungs, hissed and carried on like a 3 year old anything I could think of, you name it, and IaEU(tm)ll continue to do it as long as we are married. SheaEU(tm)s going on 3 weeks without the game and IaEU(tm)m happy to see the improvement but I know itaEU(tm)s mostly because she is still living away from home and I know IaEU(tm)ve made her life a living hell, but this gaming addiction has to come to an end one way or another.. I say keep up the good work and be proud of the aEUoewife agroaEU title.. *s* Have a great day.. I must have a peculiar sense of love and devotion, because I donaEU(tm)t think I would spend so much time and effort trying to make her realize how destructive this addiction is if I didnaEU(tm)t love her so much.. I just canaEU(tm)t stand by and watch her throw her (our) life away this way and I would hope that she would do the same for me if the tables were turned.. I thought that needed to be added as clarificationaEU| I certainly donaEU(tm)t yell and stomp around like a 3 year old because I like to do itaEU|.

Thracius
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I heard that expression a

I heard that expression a lot when I was in eve online, didn't seem like a big deal at the time... however, he must give up gaming completely if he really cares, I'm sorry, there is no middle ground in this kind of thing

If you play video games, turn them off once in a while and rejoin life. Some of us here like you, don't ask me why.

bgh
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Linda, Sorry to hear about

Linda, Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I think my wife would agree that the worse aspect of the relationship damage done by this addiction is that it turns the spousal bond into a mother-child relationship. You're made to feel like a parent to your husband, as my wife was to me. In this case, your husband might as well say, "My mom is nagging me about the game." That's the tone and spirit of the "Wife Aggro" phrase. You may want to talk this over with your husband. This was a real source of heartache for my wife, and a strong motivator for me to stay game-free after I was made to really understand what I was doing to our marriage.

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
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disbelief
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I definitely feel like a

I definitely feel like a mother to my husband now. It's so weird because he has always had to take care of himself since his parents weren't really around, but now he acts like he can't even conduct an online job search when he's doing all this fancy stuff with WoW! I think it's great that you're going out and making a life for you and your kids, despite his desires to stay home and game. It'll enable you to focus on the kids and redirect your resentment to a more positive release. I've had to learn that. I want to pummel my husband most days now and instead I (over)compensate by doing something subtly nice like giving him a hug, which he loves because he's affectionate (both online and in real life). I imagine you're more willing to tolerate this frustration he's causing you and the strain it's putting on your marriage because of the children (and of course because you love him)? What happens when the children also begin to resent their father for not spending time with them? I'm new here, so maybe other folks can answer that. Do children typically get resentful?

satyag
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Linda, I understand your

Linda, I understand your feelings--I felt the same way when I saw my daughter playing, I hated the screen, I hated her holed up in hr room, the sounds of the game etc. I think that you have made a good decision to do what you must for you and the kids. I think any father who is playing a game 10 hours on a Sunday is not spending enough time with his kids. Does he not realize on how much he' s missing out with his kids (dumb question, of course he does not). Your feelings are legitimate. It seems to me you and the kids are being shortchanged.

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I am not surprised you would

I am not surprised you would be upset when he gets 3 days a week of not having to deal with anything in reality - the kids, chores, etc. - and you donaEU(tm)t get that kind of time. I am sure any mother of 5 would leap at the chance to have 3 days a week of complete aEUoeme timeaEU.He has his escape into gaming and you do not ask him to lift a finger on those days. That leads to resentment. With 5 kids, he needs to realize his selfish gaming time will have to be interrupted occasionally. You have a right to be upset that he called you aEUoewife aggroaEU when you asked him not to. It is the same as if he went out to a bar 3 nights a week and you called to ask him to come home - and he joked with his friends that you are a aEUoenagaEU. He may just be playing along to fit in with aEUoethe guysaEU, even if he doesnaEU(tm)t really feel that way. As an ex-gamer myself, I can speak to the gaming culture. Most MMO players are obsessive about playing as much as possible. Also, in MMOs, you often need a group to achieve tasks. So anything that takes your fellow players away from the keyboard annoys them because everyone else has to wait for them to get back to the game. aEUoeWife aggroaEU, aEUoekid aggroaEU, aEUoemom aggroaEU was something I heard on a daily basis from my guildmates. It is really sad to reduce your loved ones to the title of aEUoesomething hostile and annoying that attacks meaEU. Also, I am sure there are a lot of built up feelings from his gaming problem in the past that make you nervous. Even if he is keeping to his schedule, I am sure there is a little voice in the back of your head that says, aEUoewhat if he loses control again?aEU That can lead to underlining tension. When my husband plays WoW, even a little bit - all those painful memories associated with our time on that game come to the surface. It is a temptation to him and me to have it in the house at all and I would like nothing better then to bane it from our lives.

Until we are tested, how do we know if we will pass?

lawlady
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Thank you so much,

Thank you so much, everybody, for your comments to me. Sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind, and that *i'm* the one making a big deal out of this 'game'. I feel utterly powerless against it. In my original post, i only listed three days that he does not play...he also does not play on Saturdays, so i love Saturdays as well. But the weekend is SHOT with him playing Friday nights and all day Sunday. I wish HE could see how different life is now, and that all this D and D stuff is just pretend, and the 'friends' are not ' real friends' at all. He just takes it al soooo seriously! In a way i find it hilarious...this 40 year old man playing this game and thinking it all really matters in the scheme of life! Like it really matters to 'level'...and whatever other stupid stuff that you do. Shall that be his epitath...'And he attained a level 16...he was a good cleric. He will be missed'. Sorry, sometimes i gotta use the humor to get through it. Linda

Maschinca
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lawlady wrote: In a way i
lawlady wrote:

In a way i find it hilarious...this 40 year old man playing this game and thinking it all really matters in the scheme of life! Like it really matters to 'level'...and whatever other stupid stuff that you do. Shall that be his epitath...'And he attained a level 16...he was a good cleric. He will be missed'. Sorry, sometimes i gotta use the humor to get through it.

It is great you still have humor Linda. Never say sorry for it, it will help you.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" -------Mahatma Gandhi.

bgh
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On his tomb stone, an

On his tomb stone, an etching of the back of his head, we knew it well...

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
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lawlady
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bgh wrote: On his tomb
bgh wrote:

On his tomb stone, an etching of the back of his head, we knew it well...

LOL! thanks for the laugh! Sometimes all we got is the humor... Linda

lawlady
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Disbelief, you asked about

Disbelief, you asked about kids resenting the game-time. I know for a fact two of my children do get upset over the gaming and it breaks my heart. My one daughter will come up to me and whisper "daddy is playing D&D". She whispers because she knows maybe that he will get upset if he hears her. She has told her Sunday school teacher that daddy doesnt' come to church because he plays D&D. My church had a 4th of July picnic with fireworks and rides and food, and i told my husband that i really wanted him to go with me and the kids. Lo and behold, it was also on a Sunday--his marathon gaming day. He didn't go. He seemed surprised when we were leaving that it was already time to go--even tho we waited an hour after it began to leave (waiting to give him a chance to get off the computer and go. This same daughter said to me several times through-out the day and evening that daddy might still show up. She waited for him and watched for him--not continuously but she did. I called him at 8pm that night to see if he could come up for the fireworks, and he was still playing. That would have been around hour 12-13 of gaming. So yes, disbelief, it does affect the children. How can it not? This man i'm married to would have never missed a chance to play with his kids, or watch them ride rides, or watch fireworks with them before the gaming started in December 06. But now, gaming comes first. Nothing interferes with that. Linda

disbelief
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Thank you Linda for your

Thank you Linda for your response. I hadn't seen a lot of posts up here about how gaming addiction affects the children and I so badly looked forward to raising a family with my husband, addiction and all, but God kept nudging to remind me how potentially bad that could be. I guess I just wanted to know for sure. Your response is all the more reason to focus on yourself and the children, and not your husband's addiction. Of course you'll care and have to fight with the resentment, but you have to transfer those negative emotions into doing what you have to to make life better for you and the children. My husband has been living it up since he decided we should separate on June 15 so he could game and have no restrictions in his online relationships. It's like he SAID let's separate, but what he meant was he wanted to continue having me around for his necessary affection and financial stability, while he got to do whatever he wanted online. I stopped sleeping at night long ago listening to him peck on the computer at 5 and 6am, wondering who he was talking to. Now that we're supposedly separating (it's been a month with no moves forward on his behalf), I care less because I look forward to not having to share the man I gave my heart and soul too with the internet and fantasy women. I say all this to say that I finally gave him notice because I need to get on with my life. I told him he wants to separate and so that's what he's getting; he has to be out by Oct 15. I imagine bringing children into the equation changes things, but you all still deserve better and your children don't need more reason to dislike or resent their father.

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lawlady wrote: Sometimes i
lawlady wrote:

Sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind, and that *i'm* the one making a big deal out of this 'game'. I feel utterly powerless against it.

This is EXACTLY how I feel. I keep thinking... am I overrreacting? He's not as bad as some of the horror stories I hear about. But then... He spends all his free time on this game. I know I'm not crazy. Thank you for sharing your story. I have no advice to give, only support and understanding. My husband and I have 5 children have been married 11 years, the last 3 of which have been spent sharing him with this gaming habit. ~Randi

~Randi

lawlady
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Misplaced...I know what you

Misplaced...I know what you mean. My hubby is not as bad (now) as some of the stories i have heard/read, but up until last December, he was very much so on his way. 60 hours a week gaming at the time...now he only games three days a week, but i still have so much resentment built up that i am trying to deal with. He doesn't spend all his free time on it anymore, but i feel he lives for the nights he plays and the other nights he just 'gets through'. He says i'm wrong on that one, but i don't know. He did recognize, for whatever the reason, that he had to stop his behaviour, but i'd still like to see the gaming, ALL gaming, gone from our house. Am i wrong to feel that way? That is the question i ask myself all the time... Linda

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I know what you both mean!

I know what you both mean! You start to think you are the one going nuts. My husband does not play nearly as much as he used to when we had serious problems with this game a year ago, but there is just so many emotions attached to that game and our history with it. I just remember all the pain it caused. I feel hurt by the fact that he just would not throw it out the window. I gave up the game (which was very painful to do) for the sake of my sanity and our relationshp's overall health - Why couldn't he do the same? I tried so hard to quit the game too, but why couldnaEU(tm)t he just go onto another HEALTHIER game already - maybe one with an END to it?! The feeling of neglect and jealousy I felt towards this game when he first started it was the SOLE reason I got into it too! After 4 years, you would think the land of Azeroth would be boring - I know it has gotten that way for me. Even if he only plays a couple days a week, I hated to come home and seeing him playing, or to hear the game sounds at night as I tried to go to sleep. I never want to feel like a nag. I donaEU(tm)t want to tell him what to do with his free time and he is a grown man. But after he made such a fuss about wanting to get his life back on track - why would he not just give up the game 100%?!

Until we are tested, how do we know if we will pass?

bgh
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The kids clearly know that

The kids clearly know that their father is not supposed to act like a child - he's supposed to be a grown up, a leader in the home. As for your expectations of your husbands, they are entirely reasonable. No, you are not crazy. I've said this before in other forums, and in my blog, but this is how my relationship with my wife changed with gaming: Husband --- Wife (Normal and Loving) Child ---- Mother (Resent building, constantly having to remind me to do basic tasks) Prisoner ---- Warden (All trust gone due to lies, deceit and manipulation. On the verge of separation) Now we're very slowly recovering that trust, and I'm starting to realize just how much damage I did over nine years of compulsive gaming.

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
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misplaced
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bgh -- Thank you for your

bgh -- Thank you for your post. I know that we're pretty much at the "mother-child" point and I'm backing off. He actually got angry with me at one point because he had fallen asleep in front the computer and slept there all night. He said, "Why didn't you wake me up before you went to bed?" I replied that he was a grown man and responsible for himself. He recognized that I was right and apologized for getting angry -- but it was disturbing to me nonetheless. Today he wanted to watch a football game and we don't have cable -- and our reception on that particular channel is virtually non-existent... So I suggested that maybe he go visit a friend in the next town who is also a fan and would be watching the game. When my mother came over and heard she offered her television instead (to save him the gas), he came and asked me if he could go. That disturbed me a bit as well. I smiled and (very nicely -- not snidely or sarcastically) told him that I wasn't his mom and he could do whichever he pleased. I didn't mind. And I honestly don't. But for some reason that made him angry too. Maybe that was compounded with the fact that this morning his alarm went off because he had signed up to do service for his church. He turned it off and started to fall back to sleep (I was reading with one of my sons in bed) and I told him (nicely again -- always lovingly), that he was responsible for himself and if he fell back asleep I wasn't going to wake him up. I guess now that I'm refusing to parent him -- I'm realizing just how much of a "mom" I've been for these past years. What surprises me is that me not mothering him seems to really be upsetting him. Weird. ~Randi

~Randi

bgh
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Hey Randi, sorry I missed

Hey Randi, sorry I missed this reply up to now. Excellent strategy. You need to allow him to stand or fall on his own two feet. If he's going to game compulsively, then he's going to have to meet his other obligations without you picking up the pieces. Congratulations for taking a stand.

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
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lawlady
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I want to say, that although

I want to say, that although i am sorry others feel this way...that i am soooo happy to find others who feel the same way i do. To me, gaming is evil. And i use to be someone who liked those 'video games'. I had the Nintendo (my exhusband and i bought one) when they first came out in the late 80's. I was a senior in high school when 'pac-man' hit the market and thought it was a 'blast'. But now,,,my view has totally changed. Even towards those 'educational games' like 'Leap Frog' made for toddlers. I saw a commercial just the other day, for Leap Frog, and it said something like this: "Now your toddler can take their gaming to the computer! Introducing the *new* leap frog with the removable 'memory' (or something similar) that your toddler can hook into your computer to see their scores etc etc..." And i just thought 'oh yeah, catch them when they are babies. Hook 'em early, suck 'em in when they are too young to understand. And the parents that buy into these things have no idea what they could be creating. These games are family-robbing, spouse stealing, personality altering MONSTERS. Okay, can you hear my anger at the gaming industry??? LOLOL! Linda

Maschinca
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Yes, I notice your anger and

Yes, I notice your anger and it's understandable. These games have robbed you of so much. But parents do have have a choice while their kids are still young or minor. They don't have to buy it and allow it in their home. In my surroundings I sadly see a lot of young kids (under 10) being allowed to game more then 2 hours a day....their parents happy their kids are busy. An x bow or play station being used as a nanny. Most parents don't realize the dangers and think only teens are at risk. I hope we can teach this generation of kids and the one to come how to use this technology in a good and moderate way. To do that the parents need to be better informed first and educated. At the moment I am trying to make my brother and his wife see this risk, their son has a form of autism and already shows signs of addiction while he is only 8 years old. He gets totally upset if not allowed to game and will not accept no for an answer. I fear for what will happen to him if they let him game this way. Our son's school is organizing an evening to teach parents about the dangers and risks of internet/games. I find that a great initiative. They have seen the effects of games like WoW there and do not dismiss it as nonsense. But lets not forget that not everyone who games gets addicted, like not everyone who drinks is an alcoholic.

"Be the change you want to see in the world" -------Mahatma Gandhi.

bgh
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The key to technology is to

The key to technology is to make it serve us, not the other way around. I'm working to rid my life of the aspects of Internet technology that I can't manage in that way. That may seem overly simplistic, but I think it's a useful guideline for a recovering addict to begin restructuring his life. I think parents can also begin thinking in similar terms about how they are going to educate their kids. Ultimately, there's no substitute for reading with your kids. The Leap Frog is a tool, not an excuse to abdicate responsibility for the development of literacy in children. I hope that's helpful.

The happiness of a man in this life does not consist in the absence but in the mastery of his passions.
-Alfred Lord Tennyson
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