Am I in love still?

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Canadianmummy
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Am I in love still?

Hello,

i have been with my husband for about 14 years, married for 5. We have two children, a 6 year old girl and 11 month old boy.

my husband has always gamed, I knew when we started dating and when we moved in with each other. It was all fine until we had a child. For my daughters life, most of he’s spent playing games on the computer (he’s addicted to computer itself, so games on it, watching videos, looking up stuff) i have gone to bed alone. He’s come in for sex and then leaves.

He has never watched her do an Easter egg hunt, he’s never up for those special moments in her life. Christmas too, he’d be up much later and miss he finding her toys. We have breakfast by ourselves and I feel like a single parent.

ive told him this, I feel lonely and feeling disconnected. I can’t get over thinking about the past and how many times I’ve come home with my daughter at noon or 1pm from being out and he’d just be getting up. I told him I wouldn’t be responsible to wake him up, I’m not his mother. He knows he has a family but it has felt the computer and sleeping has been more priority. He does do laundry and cleans up the dishes but he wakes up and says morning and goes to computer, goes to work (at home right now and yes computer as he’s a computer programmer) he comes downstairs (working in our room right now with a laptop) he comes downstairs and goes on his gaming computer for lunch, then goes back. Comes back after end of his work day and you guessed it...goes on computer till dinner, dinner he eats with us but we are often waiting for him to finish something. Dinner ends and he’s on it again till whenever.

so we have kids like I said, notice how I did not mention much interaction with them from him: he says hello and says love you or hugs them but doesn’t play with them.

 

i left him in January to my moms for a week as I had enough of it. It’s mostly up by myself all the time while he sleeps and I’ve gotten sick of it. I have accepted the behaviour for so long that I make excuses or I say it’s okay it’s just games he’s a good provider, he does care about me (so he says) but I don’t think I should be only listing good provider. How can I be emotionally connected to someone who doesn’t even come to bed on time?

he tries...we saw a counsellor in January and he made the effort to come to bed same time as me but as the quarantine happend and maybe a little before (it’s hard for me to remember as he’s just always been this way) he’s slipped back into old habits.

i bathe the kids

i feed them

i play with them

i clean

i do everything and he just games and goes on the computer most of time. I want to separate because I think my mind is starting to check out.

i told him I don’t want Luke (our boy) to experience what our daughter has...I also don’t want him to see this as normal that moms are up and dad sleeps.

glad to have found this site, I think it will be helpful to make my decision.

i have no faith in him and if he did change, I don’t know:.we talked about it last night and I don’t feel any different. He never apologized and I know that he knows he’s done wrong but won’t man up and say it. Waits till I get mad about it.

OCheerUp
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Candianmummy...

as hurtful as it is , as much heartache as you feel for investing so much into one person... i think i can tell from your post where you are at and what you need to do for the sake of yourself and your kids. they deserve to have a dad, and they don't have one. he is using you. you are convenient for him. so he can say he has a wife and family and then gets to do what he wants. he is full of words and no action. his brain has probably suffered from the effects of his addiction.

he never apologized. that's where my husband's at , too. the words come out in different ways , but never a true apology for what he has done wrong. no recognition. the saddest part is even if you decided to leave/divorce him for good, he isn't going to wake up and realize what he is losing. he is just going to put himself back in the game. cool.... no more distractions. 

as much pain as you feel or might feel... (because we numb and push it down, too)... you got to live YOUR best life. and your best life is not with someone who is going to make a virtual reality their god. you and your kiddos are worth way more. 

Polga
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Welcome canadianmummy !

Welcome canadianmummy !

Thank you for sharing your sad story. Of your neglect and loneliness. I hear that this situation is not one which can go on for you for much longer.

Many people struggle with gaming addiction; even if they want to change it is very difficult to stop.

This link will give you some ideas about what you can do. There is a link to a thread about staying or leaving the gamer, boundaries and communication with the gamer and many other topics which may help you.

http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others/first-aid-kit-spouses-and-significant-others-video-game

Keep coming back !

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Canadianmummy
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Thank you for the replies so

Thank you for the replies so far! I am not perfect and I have my flaws. Part of me feels like I should be grateful as he is a good man, but I can’t help how I feel. It starts to feel like a friend/roommate.

i keep thinking if I have to ask myself do I love him, then I have my answer but I also have bad anxiety and overthink everything. Even more so why I told him to be up as I need help emotionally some times to get through the day.

he tells me I don’t talk to him or tell him but he’s staring at a screen. He expects to come up and tell him to stop so I can talk to him? Not when we could be in bed and talk or idk

i just can’t seem to move past it all...

Polga
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It's the madness that is

It's the madness that is addiction. His life is so out of balance but he cannot see it.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Canadianmummy
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So, I told my husband on

So, I told my husband on Sunday night when he came to speak to me, as he noticed my mood around him changed recently. He knew I was mad and started to say I was wrong not talking to him etc but I told him to try and not go on the computer unless the kids were in bed, to try that approach and to come to bed with me.

Well, he did all this...he didn't leave his chair though, he sat there with a sour face on him and didn't play with the kids but he didn't go on computer (he did go on a little bit while I was cooking dinner) I needed to tell him to put the baby to bed (again,he never offers to do things...)

I asked if he'd like to watch a show with me, he said he had stuff to do but eventually changed his mind and watched a little bit but then got up and was looking to fix our phones or wash the dishes because that seemed more important.

We did go to bed the same time which has hardly ever happened. He got up this morning long before he usually does, maybe because he went to bed at 10pm and he was up around 7:30am! He never does that...

He said thank you to me, waiting to go to bed with him. Some times I go early but I have kids, i am up for them by 5am some times...so yeah I need to go to sleep because it is a long day for me but I decided to wait, I stayed up on my ipad till he came in at 10.

I told him that I appreciate him making that effort but I also told him that...I don't want him to give up the computer but I want him to make the adult choices to stop, to engage with your kids..not be on it all the time, like on the weekends and ignoring them, your family. I told him I am leaving it up to him to make those decisions, to engage and be meaningful or he can game or be on computer.

I don't know what I am feeling, if I am slowly saying okay another chance....but I don't have much faith in it, as he will slip back. I also gave him the choice of choosing what to do. I am not going to tell what he can and can't do, it's his life...and he has to make the decisions on what is important.

I have a plan and I am ready to go do it when this virus is over. So, I don't know...I think I am very confused on my feelings, I need a therapist to talk to and I plan to make that happen when this is over as well.

I know I care about him and I know I am mad, I almost broke down crying at the dinner table last night.

 

Anyways, just wanted to update! This website has already given me a lot of hope and people to talk to and seeing stories like mine...that it is not just only me, so thank you for that.

Polga
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I am glad that this website

I am glad that this website has given you support and hope; it sounds like you are making positive changes and finding your own power.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Canadianmummy
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He is upstairs playing with

He is upstairs playing with our daughter and I didn’t ask him too. I don’t know, trying to believe him and see how long it lasts. I’m very confused because it warms my heart to see that and I’m glad I didn’t have to tell him.

 

dont know how long it will last....

Polga
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It sounds like you may be

It sounds like you may be reluctant to enjoy these tender feelings because it could become painful if he fails.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Canadianmummy
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I want to believe him, so I

I want to believe him, so I have answered my question that I do love him. I’ve just been very hurt and neglected. Past two nights he’s gone to bed with me, we had a heartfelt talk last night and he says the right things that I deserve to not be on my own with the kids, that I shouldn’t be alone going to bed.

ive had kids with this man, I can’t just simply leave and if I really wanted to i would have by now? I’m going to support him wanting to do better, maybe he’s been depressed all this time, I have had depression too. He won’t talk and tell me that but he seems to genuinely be trying. I hope for all of us he can keep it up. 

Polga
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Gaming addiction mimics

Gaming addiction mimics mental health problems or makes existing ones worse

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

15 Years Lost
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New here but understand your pain.

This is my first post on this forum.  I found this site while researching my wife's behavior.  This is your thread so I'm not going to explain my marital problems (that are likely to end in divorce) that have resulted from my wife's addiction / mid-life crisis. 

I did come here to tell you that you're not alone.  This won't fix your problem but that's my second comment ... you cannot fix your husband.  Lastly, love yourself and focus on those things you can control.

I was devasted when my wife told me our 15 years together were coming to an end, but instead of instantly trying to "fix the problem(s)" I spent my time in quiet reflection and study.  There are some great online resources if you look.  In the end, I determined I cannot change how she feels / behaves (regardless of how much I love her or how much I have invested in our marriage).  All I can do is focus on my own needs which includes visualizing life after her ... and starting to make strides toward being a better / happier / more well rounded individual.  **NOTE: I am not talking about sex ... I'm talking about mental, emotional, exercise/physical health.**.

I'm just some guy on the internet that is hurting and am not giving you any kind of legal, marital, or pyschological advice.  I'm just a guy that is experiencing some of the same pains you are (many of them) and know that focusing on myself has been tremendously helpful.  In fact, I know that I'm going to come through this a better person.  You can too.  Trust yourself, love yourself, focus on yourself / children, and start making improvements for a life after this problem.

Paige2214
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100% hear you

Hi CanadianMummy

 

i don't have any kiddos but everything you said is my reality at home with my fiance. I am currently at my sisters cause I've realized he has an addiction and I'm not sure where to go from here. I pray for you and your family <3

-P

Canadianmummy
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Hello,

Hello,

well he has slipped back to old habits. Saturday I was outside with our kids and he didn’t get off the computer until he had to get groceries and eat. He talks to us but always on computer. Stopped putting the baby to bed. I asked him to watch a show with me last night and he said no..

Polga
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I am sorry that the situation

I am sorry that the situation has not improved for you. This addiction is very strong. Even people desparate to quit find it very difficult to break away.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Demon_CA
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Hello Canadianmummy,

Hello Canadianmummy,

You finally told me about this website. I see you discovered this site a long time ago. I would have loved to talk to you in person about this and go to any counciling you wanted. Instead, things have taken a turn for the worse.

As I repeatedly say, I'm sorry for everything that I've ever done to you. I'm willing to do anything that you would like because marriage vows are very important to me, but I guess I'm very much a terrible person that you don't want to work on it as a team.

Love you always, -J

Polga
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Welcome Demon

Welcome Demon

There are meetings for gamers available. These guys will be able to support you

 

http://www.olganon.org/forum/line-meetings-message-board/all-online-meetings-computervideo-gaming-addicts

Take care

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Demon_CA
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Thank you Polga, but I

Thank you Polga, but I believe this site has done enough for my marriage.

I am getting help from somewhere else. -J

Reallytiredofthis
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True addict

Wow! What a true addict! You won't even listen to your wife's obvious cries for help! It's not your fault! It's her fault and the websites fault. Keep telling that to yourself during divorce court.

Dawn

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