The answer seems so obvious

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EggplantE
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Joined: 02/27/2018 - 7:06pm
The answer seems so obvious

Hello, I'm new here, have lurked a few times but never stayed in hopes that the problem would resolve on its own (ha)

To give a little background: 
My boyfriend and I met on a game 4 years ago, he persued me (made it very clear what his intentions were and would contact me very often) and I was not interested at first but eventually he started to grow on me. We met and sparks flew. 

Due to visa reasons, he had to return to his home country and so a long distance relationship began. 
In 2016, I moved to his country so we could be together. 

A few weeks after I moved, I found out he had multiple online affairs. 
He apologized and I naively thought we would work together as a team to work on the relationship. 
However, he started becoming invested in gaming. Which was not too much of a surprise because he was a gamer beforehand. 
But it got to the point where he would wake up and talk about the game, text me while he was working about the game, come home from work and talk about the game, SLEEP TALK about the game. 

Eventually I asked if we could discuss things OTHER than said game, and if we could talk about restoring trust in the relationship because nothing had been done at that point. Still, nothing. Finally, we got into an argument because I got so fed up with hearing about Pokemon Go (I even played too! I like it, but enough was enough), I told him that I was sick of hearing about it. 
I ended up breaking down in his car because I felt so homesick and neglected. 

Then, he stopped having sex with me. 

I spoke to his family about it and they became concerned. They tried to have an intervention but he flat out refused. When his father and sister came over to talk to him, he became frustrated towards the end, ignored everyone and sat in front of his computer to game with his coworkers. 

I ended up moving back to my home country because I felt so homesick and lonely. He was to move here but we broke up. 

Few months later we reconciled, and I made it clear to him that I needed to be a priority in his life, not second place. 

We've been back together for 5 months now and nothing has changed. 
He promised to see a counselor 4 months ago and has yet to make an appointment. He promised to make more of an effort to communicate, no improvement.

He promised to come visit...once he buys himself a new gaming laptop. I've offered to pay for his flight but he said it was difficult to take time off of work.

A month and a half ago, I had enough of feeling like I was initiating all conversation and just stopped being the one to initiate it. 
He got a little bit better but now we're back to square one. 

It's been three days since we've messaged each other. I know he's alive and well since steam and discord show that he's gaming as well as what's app showing he's active. 

The answer seems so obvious, to have more self respect for myself and leave him. 
But while we were apart, I missed him so much. I love this man who does not see me as a priority.
He keeps telling me he loves me even when I've discussed this with him.
Recently, he admitted that he's felt this way for a while that he knows that he shouldn't keep doing things as he is now that he will later regret the way he is living now but at the same time he feels like he has no energy to do things and in a sense he doesn't to change despite logically knowing he should. I've tried encouraging him to see a therapist again but he didn't do it. 

It's so frustrating, I love this man but I feel so lonely. He has time for gaming but not for us. 

 

 

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Gaming addiction is baffling

Gaming addiction is baffling and strong. One part of him wants to be with you, but the stronger part is fuelled by addiction.

He has got to feel some very bad consequences for him to want to quit.

A solution for you and for his addiction is to give him an ultimatum that is you or the game. Then you have to follow through if he choses the game: The result would then be he feels some bad consequences that may be an aha moment along the line and you get to leave and have a chance to find a healthy relationship.where you can have a good life

What is likely stopping you is the probability that he will chose the game over you,  and the  feelings you have for him are enslaving you.

I am sorry for your pain. The band aid has to come off some time ... it's whether you rip it off and be done with the pain or pull it little by little and suffer over longer period, when you could have been doing something more pleasant.

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