Boyfriend won't bathe, refuses to work

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MissRuby
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Boyfriend won't bathe, refuses to work

Hi, I'm new here. 25, not a gamer myself, but my boyfriend has played video games since he was 7 and it's a huge part of his life. We've been living together for about a year now; we dated for a year previously. I found out he was a gamer later into dating, when we met and started dating he never mentioned it. We went camping, hiking, had cooking dates and even talked about taking dance lessons. I never knew how extensively he played until we started living together. Honestly, it never bothered me, as we both kept busy with social activities and hobbies. I didn't feel like I was left out or unwanted - just that he really loves gaming. But in the last 6 months money has grown tight and we've been staying in a lot more. Now, it's not just a few hours in the evening. It's every day. For hours. Staying up till 6 in the morning. Avoiding or canceling plans to stay home. Getting visibly upset when he can't game, or overly stressed if he expects to have time to game and that unexpectedly changes. And now, he's stopped going to work. At first it was because he hurt his back; that was a MONTH ago, and he's still making excuses so he can stay home from work and game. All day. He doesn't clean, avoids responsibilities - sometimes he doesn't even bathe or brush his teeth! I'm absolutely at my wits end. He seems to have no idea what kind of stress that places one me, having to work extra hours to try and make ends meet and coming home to a messy apartment and a meal to cook. I am now losing sleep over it, and feeling depressed, anxious and upset all the time. I want to confront him tomorrow but I have no idea what to say or how to even start. I know gaming is something he loves and I don't want him to feel he has to give it up. But this is no longer a responsible or productive use of his time and it is directly affecting not only our relationship, but his relationships with family and friends, his financial and occupational well being. Any and all advice or support would be appreciated, as at this point I'm spending the night crying on the couch, feeling very much hopeless... :(

May Light
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I am really sorry about your

I am really sorry about your dilemna. But it is becoming so common. You are definitely not alone. It sounds like he is addicted to gaming. Just replace 'gaming' with 'drugs',  it should explain his behaviour better. They both affect the brain in the same way. Gaming is as important as his food, drink etc. He has to have it. His brain is all messed up. He is losing control of his life. In time it only gets worse. It is definitely nothing to do with you. Don't blame yourself. The chemicals in his brain is controlling his behaviour and he can't help himself. Unless of course he suffers the consequences.

 He is too comfortable. Meal is cooked, house is cleaned, money is earned so he has no reason to change it. He can engage in his digital drug all day long. It must be so hard for you but I think you should somehow stop enabling him. It is usually very difficult to reason with them, they are also manipulative. I don't envy you. Very difficult situation to be in. I went through this with my son. I realize the dynamics are very different but only when we stopped enabling him, the situation started to improve. We cut the internet off at home and his brain had a chance to heal before he started to feel normal again. 

Good luck and take care. I remember many many nights crying feeling hopeless, helpless and desperate. My heart goes out to you. Remember, you didn't cause his addiction and you can't cure it. It is up to him now but you can do what is right for you. You have to take care of yourself and, stop enabling him.

Big Hugs tto you!  

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia

Polga
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Welcome Ruby

Welcome Ruby

This may help you; http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/newspaper-columnist-response-gamers

Keep coming back here. Look after you and stop enabling him . You are not alone. Take some time to think what you want knowing that you cannot change him...has has got to want to do it.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

MissRuby
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Joined: 10/24/2016 - 12:56am
Thank you for the replies. I

Thank you for the replies. I read the link and it looks like I need to prepare myself to be a lot tougher. I know I enable him and I can see where the comfort comes from - I'm going to stop immediately. I think even counseling for myself may be a good idea. I can't possibly imagine having children and being able to co parent at this point if things don't drastically change

Meesh
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Get out now!

Hi Miss Ruby. All I can say to you is get out, get out now before you have kids with this loser. You are not his mother.He will not change. He may give up the game but there will always be the next addiction, then the next. 

Find someone who really appreciates how special & beautiful you are, even if it is only yourself.

Meesh

ftrainjr
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Joined: 11/21/2016 - 10:17am
Something to think about, Miss Ruby

I married your boyfriend. Maybe they don't look the same or have the same time, but I married him. I even had a son with him. From personal experience, and seven years in, I can tell you they won't change no matter what you say or do. I have tried everything. Last night, I had to tell him good-bye. This morning I am trying to explain to a three year old where his Daddy is. I have discovered he has to WANT to change. Nothing you say or do is going to force him to do it. Ask my three year old who begged for attention from his father and was told "Wait until I'm done killing this boss". I work, I clean, I cook, I take care of our son. He played video games. It hurts that he is gone, but I tried everything prior to this. I even threw him out once before, and only let him back with the promise that he would get help. Never happened. Just think long and hard. If you stay, you may be stuck trying to explain to a toddler where their daddy is, too. :(

ftrainjr

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