In a dilemma...

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Sendhelp
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In a dilemma...

Hi, this is my first time posting my experience on this forum. I've read couple threads on here before I made this decision to post my thoughts, but I resonate with most spouse's experiences on here. My husband and I have been married for four years now. We have two little kids (3&2) and a third one on the way. Currently, I am a stay at home mom and my husband works close to 10 hrs. shift from M-F. So he is a diligent worker and I feel like I am unappreciative/guilty to feel the way I'm feeling. But I feel very overwhelmed (emotionally and physically) these past couple years we've been together because of his obsessive gaming habits. When we were dating for four years, I never realized how serious his gaming habits were until we moved in together and I became pregnant with my oldest child. When I found out I was pregnant, I told him that I am concerned about his gaming addiction cause he used to put aside working and instead played game all day long until I came back home from school and work.

Fast forward four years from then, his gaming habits are still the same (except he works now which I am very grateful). He said he will change once our first baby was born but that didn't really happen. Same goes for the second one, and now I am really anxious about the third one. I do most house chores and taking care of our kids and two pets (dog and a cat). I've asked him kindly if he can help me around the house since my body is aching from the pregnancy (third trimester). But he always says he will help me out after a round or two. It seems as though he's putting his video game a priority over my needs. 
 

During the weekend if I leave him alone and not say anything, he will play game from sun up to sun down. Since I know we're emotionally disconnected, I will try and make simple, random conversation with him but I feel as if I'm neglected cause whenever I try to talk to him. His back is against me while his head is facing towards the tv screen. He says that he is listening and he gets irritated and tells me that he doesn't have to look directly at me and make eye contact in order for him to be listening. All the while, he has his headphone on and need to tell his online buddies everytime that he needs to mute the mic for a bit cause the wife is talking to him. Idk there are soo many things I can discuss, but I don't know where to begin. And it's to the point, where I am thinking about separating from him because I am honeslty exhausted from discussing about the same old topic to him over and over again. I know I'm not a perfect human either and I'm sure there are some things he may not like about me too.
 

I've tried playing game together with him, but after having kids, it gets pretty tricky. We've tried setting aside time to watch our favorite tv shows or movies together, but that doesn't last long and he would play game right afterwards. He also spends soo much money on games. He spent $1,500 to purchase PS5 from another person when it first released. He has spent more than $2K on Game of Thrones app. There are just sooo many things, I can hardly type on here that caused me to think really hard on spearating. I know I am a chill person for the most part and I am not a needy person either. I understand people need time to themselves and enjoy their hobbies. And I have two brothers so I understand gaming can be one of the outlet source to relieve some stress or step aside from reality once in awhile. But I've never experienced this much loneliness in my life while I'm living with someone 24/7. 

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Sendhelp

Welcome Sendhelp

It sounds like he is stuck in his addiction, comfortable in what he does and has lost any empathy for your situation which is caused by the imbalance in his brain caused by excessive gaming. The brain can recover if gaming stops, but may be too difficult for him to do while he sees nothing worng with gaming.

He will continue until something happens to grab his attention and he feels the consequences of his actions.

I would encourage you to read the resources in the spouses first aid kit. There is stuff about communication, stopping enabling, setting boundaries, sources of support for you, detaching with love, whether to stay or leave the gamer, and the effect on the children of what a neglectful parent can have. Read as much as you can, which may take time, sit on it and then make your plan.

https://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others/first-aid-kit-spouses-and-significant-others-video-game

I felt really angry when I read how your husband what not supporting you in the marriage while you are expecting your third child and being emotionally cold towards you. I felt so sorry for your little kids not being appreciated by their Dad.This is not what family life should look like.

 

INFO

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Help for video game addicts click here

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