Do I tell boyfriend I think he is addicted to gaming?

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BlueberryBlue
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Do I tell boyfriend I think he is addicted to gaming?

Hello,
My name is Anna and I am new to the OLGA.
I am here because I belive my boyfriend is addicted to gaming. He is also addicted to nicotine lozengers but thats a completly different ( or not) story.
I found reading members' post very helpful and thought provoking . I am realising that I am enabling him to carry out his addiction by doing a lot of things for him, covering up for him and generally cleaning up his mess-both literally and metaphorically. I always "rescue" him which I can now see is very unhelpful to both of us. I know now that I have to stop doing it but I think I am going to really struggle as it is not going to be easy for me.
I often feel that I am not his girlfriend anymore but his mother. I clean and iron his clothes because I want him to look presentable at work as I dont want him to lose his job ( his already been given a couple of informal warnings due to his poor productivity which I believe is a direct result of sleep deprivation but of course he doesn't see it like that and blames his boss for being petty and controlling) but I am beginning to think that maybe he needs to lose his job to realise the impact of gaming on his life.I am also realising that it is his responsibility to keep his job not mine.I have my job to attend to and worry about.

I spoke to his parents recently and told them about his gaming.They did not have the clue because I never told them before as I didnt want to worry them. It felt good to share it with someone and to feel that I am not keeping secrets.

I gather from what has been written so far that I need to start changing my behaviour and start putting boundaries in place. I also understand that it is best not to tell him that I am trying to detach?

Do I however tell him that I think he is addicted to gaming, how this makes me feel and that he needs help for this issue?
I am asking because although I have told him that I dont like it and that I dont want him to play I have not used the word addiction.

Also he told me last week that he booked himself to see a counsellor through work.When i asked what made him do that he said that he has a lot going on at the moment at work and it would be good to off load. I think it is good that he is thinking that he needs help but I am worried that if he does not speak to an addiction counsellor he will not get the help he really needs. Maybe seeing a counsellor even if they dont specilise in adfiction is better than not seeing any?
I would like to join face to face meetings but I dont think there are any local to me. I understand that there is an online meeting on Tuesday evenings but unfortunately I am not in a position to join due to time difference.We live in London, UK. Does anyone know of any OLGA groups based in London?
Many thanks
Anna

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Anna

Welcome Anna

I will try to answer some of your specific questions.

It may not make a huge difference if you do or do  not say in advance that you are detaching, but it may avoid an argument and means you can observe any effects ( if any) to your actions more clearly if they have not been pre-warned. On the other hand you can have a meaningful conversation to good effect when your impending detachment is explained as in this case here:

http://www.olganon.org/comment/266300#comment-266300

This thread below may help you plan how you want to confront your addict. If you have not talked about it, you need to tell him your feelings and concerns. Addiction is an emotive word, and you may not even want to use it now. You can use the term " compulsive gaming" or "problem gaming" " or gaming over which he seems to have little control or lack of real-life balance instead; or say it is "like an addiction" if you think he will take it better.

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/interventions-and-communication-sos

It's good he is taking his own steps to see a counsellor. Addiction is a control issue. You want to control his choices and recovery ( because you do not think he will chose the right ones). You need to let him be in control of his recovery for his self esteem; detaching means letting him work it out. You can find resources for him but let him chose what he wants to do about it.

There is no online meeting on Tuesday. Think about going to Al-anon or another anon face to face group that will be local to you; see this thread for more info

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/your-partner-gaming-addict-how-get

Yes it is very tempting to want to rescue them. but as you point out, it's not helping them feel the consequences of their addiction.

Let us know how you get on. Keeping coming back to find out more.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

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