Functioning Gaming Addict?

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sweetjess1951
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Functioning Gaming Addict?

I last posted on this forum about 8 months ago. Since, I've gone back and forth about whether or not my 38 year old boyfriend was really a gaming addict. I mean, a lot of the signs were there, but some had me questioning whether or not it was possible to be a functioning gaming addict (just like a functioning alcoholic) and if thats what he was, and I'm just at a loss of what to do and whether or not to walk away.

To make it as short (hopefully), we've been dating for almost a year and a half (me - 31 him - 38) and video games have always been present in our relationship - they just got continuously worse as time went on. I remember just a month into the relationship when he literally packed his xbox to go on a weekend softball trip. He even brought it with him to a Christmas party we attended last year. I think the saddest part of his lack of realization of his addiction is the fact that his ex-wife, who left him in 2015, has specifically told people that the video games were part of the reason for the divorce, that she felt lonely. Seeing a pattern here?

His days have become routine - he goes to work, comes home around 5pm to 6pm, says hello, goes upstairs and changes clothes and immediately comes back down and starts gaming. He may OCCASSIONALLY stop and eat dinner with me, or pause it for his other addiction (softball), but for the most part, he plays from about 5pm/6pm to 11pm/12pm. What am I doing while he's playing? Well, lets see.... I'm either cooking, cleaning up after cooking, sitting on the other sofa by myself watching tv or upstairs in bed. How am I watching tv while hes playing, you may ask? Well, thats because he mounted a separate tv on the wall to make it easy for him to watch tv AND play video games at the same time. My most FAVORITE times are when a new game/update comes out and he binges all weekend. If I complain, we fight and I get the response "all the other guys wives/girlfriends dont complain they are playing. You're the only one" or he tries to send me home so he can play in peace.

He also attacks my character and blames his excessive playing on me. I'll use our weekend long fight from this past weekend as an example-

We were gearing up for a hurricane coming through this past weekend. On Wednesday, we were scheduled to play our weekly softball game and he mentioned that he was asked to sub in 2 games and would I be ok with that? I told him it wasn't a problem and asked if his softball tournament for the coming weekend was cancelled because of the hurricane. He responded that it was and I said ok, I feel like we haven't seen much of each other this past week and wanted to spend some time together (We did return from an almost week long trip a few weeks ago, but I had worked a huge work event this last weekend, in addition to 2 day long regional meetings). His response "Remember, we did just spend a week together". I should have known what that was setting me up for.

On Friday, he texted me asking if I wanted to go see a movie I'd been wanting to see at 4pm. I said yes, so he put the responsbility of walking the dog on me prior, if I wanted to be able to see the movie (I'm usually tasked with responsibilities to take care of if I want to do anything with him). I took the dog for a walk and came home and showered. When he came home, he walked right in with an attitude, typical behavior of him when he's trying to pick a fight and get out of something - Why am I putting my make-up on? Why am I curling my hair? Why am I getting ready - we are just going to the movies. He made it a point to correct me when I said that I had talked to someone, when I had really spoken to them via text. When I asked him what his problem was he goes "Why do I even bother?!". I said "we dont have to go", and IMMEDIATLY he changes clothes and starts playing xbox. That went on from 4pm to 3am. On Saturday, he got up around 10pm, came downstairs and ate breakfast, started playing around 12pm, and with the exception of an hour break, played until 2am. Same thing on Sunday.

The huge fight started when he come downstairs yesterday morning and cooked himself breakfast, without even asking if I'd like anything. This may not seem like a big deal, but the fact that I found the time to go to the grocery store for BOTH of us prior to the hurricane hitting and him eating all the snacks I bought and the food I cooked, without even a "thank you", set me off!! I told him he had some nerve cooking himself breakfast and not offering to make me anything after eating all the food I bought and cooked.

Later that evening, we got into it even more after I called him out for neglecting the dog to play video games all weekend. As usual, he told me how I'm a miserable person and THAT'S why he plays video games on the time (his usual excuse). And why didn't I leave and go home (we don't officially live together, but I have stayed at his place pretty much everyn night since we started dating). Started telling me how he didn't want me here and he's never asked me to stay. I came back at him with 'If you're only playing because I'm so miserable, what was your excuse this past week? And the week before? And the week before that". Of course he tried to say that we fought this past week, but when I called him out and asked him to give me an example since it was clearly a lie, he just walked away.

Anyway, long story short, I don't know what to do anymore. The video games clearly hurt our relationship, and I'm not sure if he sees that. He plays excessively and becomes mean and hateful, telling me it was a "mistake" that he told me the day before that he loved me and attacks my character. The even sadder part is that when we are on vacation, he is AMAZING - so attentive, loving, engaging, sweet.... and thats because the video games aren't around.

Polga
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Whether it's addiction or

Being a functioning addict is just a stage of addiction; things may get worse over time.

Whether it's addiction or that he is just not a nice guy, his attitude stinks and is not good for you.

He is not looking after you; only you can do that.

You cannot control what he sees, or understands or not. You cannot control addiction. You said yourself that he has a pattern of behaviour. It sounds entrenched.

You know in your gut what is right for you. You just have to take steps to act on it. Get support so you can do what is right for you.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Trevorbynes
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I left my functioning addict

I left my functioning addict ten months ago. We would have been married 7 years this Summer, and together 11. He is a technician for a large school district, and all his coworkers think very highly of him. Little do they know - as soon as he left work, his backside was super-glued to his nice gaming chair, staring at his extra large two-monitors, and wearing practically sound-proof headphones until he went to bed. Just like your boyfriend, I was blamed for his neglect and mistreatment. It was a real mind-you-know-what. He'd blame me for never having time to spend with him, but I didn't have it, because I worked full time, and had all the responsibilites of the house (inside and out.) After abdominal surgery, I had to walk outside to my new neighbors and apologize that I couldn't cut the grass for a few weeks, and my addict husband wouldn't be. It was a vicious cycle I could not win, and it was never set up to where I could win. He had no desire to spend time with me. My ex and your boyfriend are doing what they want to do. You need to do what you want to do. You need to be happy, and that may mean you have to be unhappy for a short while. Trust me when I say, it's better on the other side. 

After I left my addict, I discovered that he had sent 9 gifts in less than a year to an online girl he talked to over discord for 30-40 hours a week using Amazon.uk.  He even sent her a chocolate bouquet, and hasn't gotten me a Christmas gift in two years. He, however, gaslight the bananas out of me to convince me that I was the problem in our relationship.

When a man doesn't want to give you their time or respect, listen to their actions. Recognize we partners deserve someone who willingly and lovingly want us in their lives, and shouldn't have to manipulate (codependency) someone into acting like a decent human being.  

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