How do I cope with gamer wife who lives on Discord all day

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Saoljotaorah23
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How do I cope with gamer wife who lives on Discord all day

I have been married to my wife for 17 years, 3 kids and a ton of fond memories along the way.  Then suddenly in January of this year she starts playing a Game of Thrones game on her phone.  At first I noticed she seemed to be playing some days, not all the time but then it became basically 24/7.  Then I noticed her scrolling through chats and laughing and carrying on.  I asked her about it and she said it was nothing just a chat in her game.  

I finally began questioning her more about it.  At first she told me that people on this chat were weird and that she put a picture of our dog as her profile and her name was our dogs name.  At the time this info she shared with me seemed harmless and she seemed like she thought it was funny but odd.  So I let it go for months watching her slowly become more and more obsessed with this game/chat.  Then came the late nights up to 3am “playing” the game, lying in bed with the covers over her head while I was trying to sleep, playing in the car, walking, at the house, at the store....all the time.

This went on and on until I finally broke the 1 rule I told myself never to do....while she was in the shower I checked this so called game and chat on her phone.  The chat site I believe was Discord and her avatar was a sexy photo of herself and her screen name was something like Vodkapartygirl.  Then I saw she had private chats with a guy saying she loved him over and over, wanted to be with him...complained about things we did (seeing Avengers) because it was way too long and took her away from her circle of friends on the chat (by the way she left the movie 4 times to do something).  After reading her chats and nearly fainting while dry heaving, immediately I called her on it in the bathroom and she did not think she did anything wrong.  I have never been cheated on physically or emotionally (emotional friend) so this was a complete shock.  I didn’t know what to think or say.  I just left the house and got in my car to drive.  She claims this guy is her friend and only says “I love you” as part of the game!??!  She never reached out to me after I confronted her and left to drive.  I came back home after 8 hours and we talked and I found out she immediately went online to the chat and told this guy of my finding out and he told her to say to me that they are “just friends” and to prove it I could talk to his wife about it!??!? 

I again left the house as I couldn’t believe instead of reaching out to me after I left the 1st time to talk or ask where I was, she reached out privately AGAIN to him complaining that I found out.

She has since told me she loves all of her buddies on the game and they are her “family”. I said what about your real family....us?  Well she she typed “I love you” to this guy about 15 times in 5 minutes that I saw in that private chat and hasn’t said it to me that many times in 5 years.  

I just do not understand how she can say those things to another guy and wonder why I am upset?  I think I would be able to deal with the physical act of cheating better than the emotional act.  I am not dealing well needless to say and now feel jealousy for the 1st time ever and do not trust her.  She said she deleted the chat but then is back on it.  Was it to delete the history to hide more from me?  Every time I see her laughing at her phone or on it she immediately acts like she isn’t playing and chatting.  She says that she thinks she is doing nothing wrong but since I have been in a room where she just was and her phone is there....suddenly she comes racing back pretending to check on something needing her phone.  It’s almost like she is purposely keeping it from me because she thinks I will check it again.

i don’t know what to do, I love her but I do not know what to do.  I have tried engaging her more in conversation thru texts, calls when at work and have really tried to make her see I love her but she is still on the chat.  I do not know how to cope with the things I saw and now of course my mind is reeling with what she is possibly doing with this guy when I am not around.  Plus I found there is a video chat function that she is doing.

She has this guy to talk to about this nonsense and I have no one which makes it harder, so I apologize for the long post.  It’s almost therapeutic to type it out but still I am lost....

Hopeless

Polga
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Welcome to the forums !

Welcome to the forums !

It sounds like you have had a huge shock, and almost cannot believe it. It is more confusing because your wife does not react as you would expect her too, and cannot see how it is a problem. This is a theme that is reported quite often on this forum i am sorry that you have had to deal with this.

These games and the kinship aspect of them make them very addictive. Its very possible that if you gave your wife "it's me or the game" that she might chose the game and give some reason to justify her position that makes it all your fault.Or it may be the jolt that she needs to realise what is happening in your marriage.

Take a look at the information for spouses linked in my signature below. take time to read through the links carefully. There is one about online cheating. Also other ways you cope being with an addict.

Gaming does ruin relationships and cuase children's emotional needs to be neglected. it is cunning, baffling and manipulative.

Make sure you get planty of support. there are lots of ideas in the thread in my signature below.

You are not alone

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Wynterfall
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Cheating Spouse

As I read your email all the feelings I have been having for the last 24 hours rushed to the surface. I've been married to my (second) husband for six years and we have been together 10. I thought we had a happy marriage, in spite of the fact that he tends to spend more time online that I would like. Most of the time it was on strategy games, at least when I was around. Like you my suspicion got the best of me and I went snooping and found he had a whole online life on Second Life including a girlfriend. When I confronted him he tried to divert and excuse and said it meant nothing but it meant something to me! I felt totally sucker punched. I am still reeling from it all but I have no more tears to cry. He says it will stop but I don't trust him. I have no idea how many other avatars he has out there all living their own "lives" I don't know if I want to pull the plug on our marriage but I can't live with a man I can't trust. i don't want to live my life looking over his shoulder and wondering what he is doing when I am not around.  I understand exactly what you mean about being lost.. I feel as though I am wandering alone in the wildneress...

Polga
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Welcome Wynterfall

Welcome Wynterfall

Glad you found us. Sorry for your pain. It must be a huge shock for you. i hope you can find some help on the forum. See the info for spouses linked in my signature below

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Trevorbynes
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I definitely understand where

I definitely understand where you are coming from, Sao. My divorce is July 9th of this year after leaving my gamer November 2017, so I cannot offer any constructive relationship-saving advice from the side of the anon. Ultimately I did not control how my estranged husband behaved, what his actions were, or how he treated me. My spouse also spent all his time off work on Discord and talked 30-40 hours each week to one girl in particular while streaming videos and playing games with her. (He even spent the money he constantly told me we didn't have to send her amazon.uk gifts, one of which was an expensive chocolate bouquet. Guess who hadn't gotten a Christmas present in two years? His wife.) He told me that she was a lesbian, that she was his best friend, that our real life friends were no longer his "friends," and eventually his actions toward me spoke of the priority transition that I had taken in his life too. He became extraordinarily emotionally abusive, financially abusive, and at one point, physically. I couldn't stay in my relationship and maintain a sense of self or safety anymore. I have life-long scars and extraordinary baggage from the treatment that I withstood at his hands. Lots of people on here talk about how addiction rewires the brain so our spouses lack empathy. Guess who also lacks empathy? Narcissists and sociopaths. I can't suggest you stay with someone who lacks empathy regardless of how their disordered brain was created. Being a martyr takes its toll.

I know it hurts, and I still feel an ache in my chest from what I lost. I don't control my losses, though. I control my acceptance of my situation, my self love, and moving into my future. So do you. Take care of yourself. 

Polga
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Trevorbynes,

Trevorbynes,

Thank you for sharing your situation and feelings.I am sorry for your loss and encouraged that you are building a new life for yourself.All the best to you !

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

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