Last time I was in the forums was about 7 months ago. The gaming, lies and cover ups had resulted in us breaking up and him moving south to live with his mother. He hounded me for two months, pleading, crying down the phone saying how sorry he was and how he realised how destructive his behaviour was to the relationship - the full confession with awareness, remorse, renewed committment. I tried to stay strong, but will the stress of other things including my health, my elderly father's health, I lost my way and took him back. We laid out boundaries about honesty and trust and he gave his word and swore that this was the last time he would ever treat me like this. (I sense that most of you will be starting to reach your own conclusions about where this is going).
The positives were that he left his xbox at his mothers when he moved back. I took that as positive action. I was so glad to say goodbye to that box. I took strength from this and for a few months things improved, we enjoyed lost of time together, connection, activities. Felt like stability was starting to develop. There were also promises made about game streaming and gaming content as this was defiitely part of the addictive pull towards this stuff. He also gave his promises about deleting twitch and youtube subscriptions.
I think I started to avoid being vigilant to his behaviours. When he was on the computer I would tell myself that he was on fb talking to his son or watching bbc iplayer. He was some of the time.
My alarm bells rang one night when he switched seats with my daughter and hadn't been quick enough to shut down his screen. He adjusted his seat and I could see and feel the panic in him. I didn't confront him in front of my daughter out of respect for her and him I guess. Once I went to bed he asked what was wrong. I asked him to tell me what he thought was wrong and he said 'you think I've been on these channels but I havent' to add force to his claim he said 'I'll get the laptop if you want'. So I called his bluff. I said 'yeh go get it and we will see then'.
In summary - he had been feeding his addiction with gaming content even though he was no longer gaming. His you tube history was there to see, his twitch account still valid and his substription to channels to around 15 gamers. I was so disappointed, I couldn't listen to him. I've never felt so angry before in my life. I actually felt like I wanted to slap some sense into him - even though I know its not the answer. I told him that I wanted him out of my house the next morning while I was out. He has somewhere to stay so he went and I haven't seen him since. That was last week.
He has been in touch by text again promising the world but I have also noticed that his delusion about his gaming is still in full force. One of his most recent texts was 'it was not a threat to the relationship' and 'I had this under control'. In anger I said 'your relationship is over - how is it not a threat you moron'. He is blind to the truth. He can't see it and no matter how much I try to show him - he can't see it. He has created a reality that minimises the lies, cover ups and deceit.
We had seven months of some stability but he was still feeding this addiction telling himself how it was no big deal.
I feel stupid, embarrassed, angry. I have worked with addiction, I've studied addiction, I know this stuff but when emotions become involved they blind you to the truth, sometimes in the same way addiction does. I told myself we could do this, we could succeed, we could beat this stuff. I was the only one fighting for us - he was protecting his addiction.
I am sad to be back here, but also glad I have somewhere to be.