How to protect my children from excessive gaming husband

8 posts / 0 new
Last post
JCBMichele
Offline
Last seen: 3 days 20 hours ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/03/2018 - 9:10pm
How to protect my children from excessive gaming husband

I am so grateful for this community--I have just discovered OLGanon.org. I would love any advice/support for what to do about the effect that my husband's excessive gaming has on my four children. I just read the Letter to Spouses or Significiant Others Of Video Game Addicts where it recommends that we "begin making attempts to enjoy life without them. picturing ourselves as a single parent, even planning outings for ourselves (and children if [we] have them) without the gamer." I totally see the wisdom in this and have tried this a littlte in our family, BUT my oldest two children (14 years and 12 years) are much less inclined to join me for outings. My 12 year old son, expecially, would much rather stay home with his dad and game all day with him. I am so very concerned that he is now becoming just like my husband. He used to be such a delightful young boy...involved in many extra curriculars and just a pleasant, sweet kid. Now, he is just like my husband: grumpy, easily agitated, and utterly disinterested in any life experience outside of gaming. My 14 year old daughter is not as far gone, but she definitely places #1 priority on getting in her gaming time. It is almost the center of her life. How do I navigate this with these older two, who don't often want to go on outings with me? I feel like they are slipping away from me and becoming more and more like my husband. My anger levels fluctuate with my husband. If I am otherwise occupied in life-giving activities for myself or my kids, it doesn't destroy me as much, but when I am working day and night to run the household, while he sits on his rear end gaming 14+ hours a day it makes me irate. I frequently find myself saying in my head, or very quietly to myself, "I hate him! I can't stand him!!" Help!! What advice or experience can you offer me! Thank you in advance for your time!!

 

Polga
Polga's picture
Offline
Last seen: 20 hours 43 min ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi JB

Hi JB

Check out the links for spouses and parents of gamers in my signature  below; spend time reading the posts.

It sounds like you need support to make changes; this may be from an anon group such as al-anon or a therapist who understands addiction or a parental coach, and other family members who can empathise with you. It sounds like you have such a lot of responsibility on your hands. i feel it is a very large burden on you.

You may need to make drastic changes to save your children; it sounds like your husband will not support you and may even be comfortable enabling them to game. It sounds like you are the only responsibile adult and you will need to take a stand, which will require stregth and determination. the key is to make good plans..

Sounds like you could at least start with a strict timetable of how much gaming is acceptable, what chores they need to do etc. The website Families managing media may have more tips on how to make healthy choices around gaming.

You will find a lot of answers in the posts linked below, which will take some time to read through properly.. Any more questions please ask

 

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

JCBMichele
Offline
Last seen: 3 days 20 hours ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/03/2018 - 9:10pm
Thank you for suggestions

Thank you so much for your reply, Polga. I will read the resources your suggested. You are right that, in many ways, I am the only responsible adult. I do need to take a stand. I am honestly afraid of what his reaction would be if I take a stand (he has major depressive disorder and is prone to anger outbursts). I am so very concerned with how this is affecting my son. I absolutely need more support. I found al-anon group merely minutes from my house and I think I need to give that a try. I have seen therapists in the past (for the sole purpose of helping me learn how to cope with being married to my husband) but I don't think they really understood or acknowledged the true addictive nature of gaming. That is a great suggestion to find one that is equipped to coach me about that specific issue. I will pursue that. Right now, as I speak, he is gaming.. in the middle of our family life... complaining, grunting as he presses the buttons on his controller, polluting our environment with his toxic addiction. I have tried to just stay as far away from him as possible, while remaining civil and kind when I'm around him. But I wanted to sit in my family room tonight (which is right near him) and the noise and all it represents is just making me sick. sigh. Thank you again for your insights and suggestions.

Polga
Polga's picture
Offline
Last seen: 20 hours 43 min ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
It sounds like it must be

It sounds like it must be hard for you to have to tolerate this day in day out; the games are like an unwelcome stranger in your home that you cannot ever see the back of.

I hope you get some support from al-anon. i would be very interested to hear how it goes.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

JCBMichele
Offline
Last seen: 3 days 20 hours ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/03/2018 - 9:10pm
made appointment with counselor... no al-anon yet

Hello again Polga. I can't thank you enough for your messages. It's like a bit of a lifeline for me over here. So very few people really understand what I'm going through. Thank you truly for your empathy, support, and suggestions. I made an appointment with a counselor who has expertise both in depression and addiction. I'm hooping and praying he will be of help. You are absolutely right that it is excrutiating for me to tolerate being around my husband when he's gaming. I have an immediate and viceral reaction. It's like I CAN'T be around it without hating him and hating the gaming. I'm hoping to learn detachment and learn how not to enable him, as was highlighted in some of the threads on this website. I've done quite a bit of research and feel I understand the issues a little better. I haven't yet made it to an al-anon meeting as I'm honestly a little bit concerned that they might not accept gaming as a form of addiction. I don't want to insult them by making the comparisson. I need to just go anyhow. The worst that will happen is that I confuse or insult some strangers. There are four different meetings at different locations fairly close to my house, so if one fails, I can always try another! Thank you again! I feel like you are offering me an accountability of sorts that is so helpful! Bless you!!!

Polga
Polga's picture
Offline
Last seen: 20 hours 43 min ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Good that you have some

Good that you have some choices. this addiction is worse in some senses than alcohol ; its readily available, low cost, and the consequenses of using do not generally make you end up in jail or ill ... so no need to stop. Also its a secret addiction as many people do not understand how devastating it is.  Alcoholic olga  members who also gamed report that gaming makes people meaner than alcohol. Of course it shouldn't be a beauty contest of" my addiction is worse than yours" at alanon, but cultures do vary. There are other groups such CODA, nar-anon, families anonymous, celebrate recovery, families anonymous probably others which may also be around. Happy to be here for support !

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

JCBMichele
Offline
Last seen: 3 days 20 hours ago
OLG-Anon member
Joined: 11/03/2018 - 9:10pm
My husband discovered this thread- no longer anonymous for me

Hello Polga,

My husband just recently discovered this thread, so I can no longer communicate in confidence. He was actually receptive to some of the things I said on my posts, but was upset about me saying he games 14+ hours a day. He installed a tracker on his computer and pulled up the graphs to show me that the most he's gamed in the last few weeks was 11 hours in one day. Sigh. I was very saddened that he invaded my privacy and feel like I have lost this lifeline. I could continue to communicate this way and if he reads it, so be it? 

I went to an al-anon meeting and is was VERY helpful, but I do feel as though I don't belong. I am going to try Celebrate Recovery program not to far from my house in a few days. 

Things got better when his brother and sister-in-law had a heart to heart conversation with him, that involved discussions of addiction. He was humble and open to admitting the problem. The next morning was bad though, and he tried to put the blame on me for being "bitter" and "resentful" and told me that there is no hope for us if I cannot let go of those things. Other hurtful words were said at me and I made a decision to take 2 of my four kids and leave the house. I spent the night at my parents and when I came back I told him that he needed to get help and if he didn't I was going to take the kids and leave until he did. I've given him 1 week to find resources and make a decision. Things are good, there is lots of forward movement, but it is tense. 

I must go now. He very well might read this post. sigh.

Polga
Polga's picture
Offline
Last seen: 20 hours 43 min ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi !

Hi !

thanks for letting us know how it is going

So glad you made it to a meeting and hope it goes well for you at CR

Excessive gaming rewires the brain, and upsets brain chemistry which results in personality change. Recovery is possible over the months following abstaining.

Staying sober may not be enough; engagement in 12 step recovery may be required to obtain a whole new outlook on life. Recovery is hard.

Look after yourself !

 

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Log in or register to post comments