Hubby ignoring his family

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Tiffae
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Last seen: 8 months 1 week ago
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Joined: 08/24/2020 - 8:25pm
Hubby ignoring his family

OK, not sure how to do this, I just joined. My hubby and I have 2 kids (3 and 5) and I have a step-son through him who is 11. Hubby does work weekdays, but feels he can spend the majority of his "downtime" in the basement playing games or watching YouTube of people playing games. This has left me to doing everything alone and being alone. I am a SAHM, but he is also self employed, so I run the office and do all of his paperwork and scheduling etc. I do all of the cleaning, shopping, and most of the cooking etc. We have had to work out a deal where he only has to spend 3 nights a week doing something with me when the kids go to bed, the other 5, he games. He does this at least 6-10 hours a day. Even the nights he is supposed to spend with me, he will go down at least 2-3 hours earlier to play something while i feed, clean, bathe kids etc. There are plenty of nights where that turns into the whole night, and I still don't even see him on our "date nights". He never wants to be intimate, talk, or even go out. I do most of the family outings alone. I do crack and yell at him and ask him if he thinks this is acceptable and he will dismiss or ignore me. His family has tried talking to him, but then he will proceed to ignore them for some time afterwards. He says he doesn't want to break up, but he refuses to compromise. He wont leave. I have no clue how to afford my famiky without him. He has said if I leave he will just work the bare minimum and give us nothing. I have even offered to keep being his office manager in lieu of asking for child support (like earning it, and still helping him because he can't work and run the office regardless). He says he's not addicted and that he could be doing anything, even looking at a wall, but that its there, so he does it. He seems to have no shame or guilt for all the extra work he puts on me, or the neglect of me and the kids. I dont really know what I am asking here... does anyone understand or have advice?

Tiff

Polga
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Last seen: 14 hours 17 min ago
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Tiff

Welcome Tiff

You are not alone

Excessive gaming changes their brain wiring; they become less empathic and caring. He may be bonding with the online gamers in his clan. And putting them above you. Very sad. He genuinely thinks he is the right, because addiction causes them to think in a deluded and irresponsible way.

Your situation reminds me of one of our members called Butterflygirl, whose husband refused to acknowledge her needs and hung on to his gaming. You could check out some of her posts to see how she lived.

Check out our first aid kit for spouses here: http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others/first-aid-kit-spouses-and-significant-others-video-game

Read as much as you can and make a plan. Your plan may start with how you are going to cope better in the here and now, but ultimately may be focused on your dreams and desires for a future of your choice. It may mean you thinking about how eventually you can support yourself and break free. It may mean identifying sources of support outside your marriage. See the support thread in the first aid kit.  It may mean getting legal advice. It may mean biding your time, putting up with certain limitations, putting boundaries in place, but also arranging fun stuff for you and your kids while he rots in his gaming room. It may mean detaching with love, while you continue to live in the same house. it may mean you becoming an awesome person in your own right. If you change the dynamic between you, this may ultimately unsettle him from his complacent position as a bi-product. But let the primary motivation for your changes  be for your benefit.

His behaviour is very manipulative to get what he wants, and give you the crumbs from his table. I feel mad reading about it.

This addiction is very strong.  I am sorry you have to deal with this. I hope the first aid kit can give you some good ideas.

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