Hey humans!
Me and my husband have been in a relationship for 5 years by now, married for 1. He was pretty much always a gamer, but in the past he used to enjoy other activities aswell, such as cosplaying and attending comic events, being involved in card tournaments, reading comic books, going out with his bros...yeah, pretty much a nerd and his friends are also a bunch of nerds. Some background in his childhood: his mom ignored him over his sisters and his dad was barely around due to being a lieutenant; also, his mom is bananas for gambling.
We started by having a distance relationship for 1 year and then we finally had our first date....that's when i first started to notice that his behavior was kind of different. He was shy, avoided looking at me, avoided touching me and seemed pretty formal. I initiated our first kiss and i first held his hand. And after that we pretty much became inseparable. We are best friends, lovers, now husband and wife.
He still is not really initiating physical touch, he's not romantic, but he is affectionate in his own way and always tries to make sure that i am happy, he's providing for us (goes to work and he's very hard working and punctual), always helps me with stuff. I also tend to initiate sex because he's not really the typical sex obsessed male. He does enjoy sex and all but he doesn't really think about it or craves it. He's mostly thinking about videogames. However, at night, while he sleeps, he kinda has another personality that gets triggered randomly, and he becomes unusually passionate, sexual, romantic and emotional. He seems pretty lucid, he knows who i am (i asked him) and who he is, but the next day he never remembers. This doesn'[t bother me, i actually enjoy it.
He is clearly addicted to videogames and the internet in general. If we go somewhere a trip for example and there is no internet, he goes nuts. He doesn;t seem to enjoy anything else than videogames and whatever the internet provides (videos, pictures). He doesn't have any hobby apart from gaming, although he is very talented in art and guitar.
He recently (one month ago) fell depressed, and his gaming addiction became even worse. Now that we are in quarantine and he works from home he only stays at the computer ALL THE DAY. He stops only to go to the bathroom or when i call him at the table to eat. He barely do stuff together, he just gives me like 20 mins - 1 hour before sleeping and we stay in bed and watch our series and/or have sex. He is however somehow very attentive on my emotional state and when he sees that i might be sad he always stops whatever he was doing and asks if i'm okay, and then if i tell him that i am not or i start crying, he leaves the computer and always comes to talk to me...actually he barely talks, he just listens to me talk and complain and cry. He doesn't really comfort me (very rarely he holds my hand) but this is because he's not so physical. He then proceeds and tells me that if i came up with the idea of spending more time together, i should come up with further ideas on what to do. Then i present him a list of activities and he just brushes them all off sayign that "he doesn;t feel like doing that" or "that's boring" or "i don't like that". He is a person that does't really like many things or to try new stuff.
He then stops using the computer for maximum one day - during which he just sits on the sofa, catatonic, staring into the void, not saying anything, or he just uses his phone to watch vids. He used to watch vids on his phone even at the table, after he finished his food and i was still eating - now i've noticed that he's doing an effort and he's leaving the phone on his desk before eating.
His average day looks like this - He wakes up, takes like 1 hour and half to prepare (he is very pedantic), goes to work (even at work he plays videogames when he doesn't have stuff to do), then he comes home and goes straight to the computer, where he spends on average 4-5 hours playing and watching vids. I used to bring him food at the desk, thinking that i was supportive (i am open minded and i thought if he wanted to be a professional gamer, i am gonna support him) but recently started to actually call him at the table in order to eat together. He always comes without complaining.
He's a very calm person usually but since he's depressed, he started to get very angry and has gaming rages (only while playing) and punches his desk, screams, curses and even punches himself hard enough. He has been angry towards me aswell, but rarely and he would apologize soon after.
In February he told me that he wants me to understand that he loves me and that he's not playing in order to not spend time with me but in order to distract himself from the daily life problems....soon after he fell into this depression and he barely talked to me for weeks and stopped calling me "babe" and "love" the way he always used to. Now he seems a bit better and is more communicative. But he just won't doanything about this situation....i do not deserve to be the last on his priorty list! He keeps denying this, he says i am his priorty which doesn;t match with his actions. I told himthat i also think about the future and that i don't want him to ignore our future children while playing. He said that i don't have to worry, because he isnn't gonna be like that.
E.P.
Welcome EP
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Hello StarPinkPuff,
Thank you for sharing your story (and I'm sure it's not all of it!). Whereas it used to just be a hobby, he now uses it and needs it to make himself happy. I am sorry you are faced with this and I understand what it is like. I appreciate that you shared this on the board. I wish there were more people on here, because this really is a widespread problem. Video game addiction is just like any other addiction. It is not to be downplayed or shrugged off .... many times people will say "well at least it's not gambling" or "at least it's not XYZ". But it impacts a marriage and family just as badly as other addictions. I think many addicts have co-occuring disorders which only leaves them deeper into their addiction .. as it's the "only thing that makes them happy." My husband would also be non-present with me while doing other activities. He was there.. he'd listen... he just didn't respond. Or, he was irritable and spaced out.
I encourage you to think of his video game playing as you would an alcoholic. Look at his behaviors - distancing himself from you, not being involved in conversations, only spending an hour or so-ish a day with you.... as you would if he was a drinker. We tend to minimize the abuse we are experiencing. While he might not be hitting you, he is hitting himself and objects around you - I assume when he is not doing so great in the game. By abuse, I mean emotional abuse. Neglect. One clear example you gave was that he wasn't interested in trying any of the things on your list. I know that he doesn't like doing new things - but when you are in a relationship you make sacrifices out of love for the other person. That doesn't stop after you get married. You don't want to be making him meals and putting in effort into your marriage the rest of your life while he stares catatocally at the wall and has no interest in doing fun things with you.
I think the first step in this situation, and Polga and others can correct me if I'm wrong but... perhaps just spend some time thinking about what you wanted out of this marriage- what drew you to him (like you wrote in the beginning), and how his video games have impacted this relationship. From there you can figure out the best way to address it - whether that's go to counseling, read an intervention letter, have a serious sit down talk, etc. But you will need to make sure you have all your ducks in a row before you do these things, so that you can address any denial that comes up. You also want to confront in a caring way, which is why it's important to focus on some of the good qualities he has or had at one point.
I'll share a little of my story, in hopes it helps. Like you, my husband has already been a gamer. I knew that going into the relationship. I guess I either was blindsided by the amount of time he played, or it got worse with time. It probably was both. As upsetting life situations happened (family members passed away, moved across states, job changes), he'd get further and further into gaming. I would joke around or say "oh he's addicted" but it never fully sank in that he was an ADDICT until I found this website, and found another website that addressed the abuse I had been going through.
See with gaming, there's usually no overt abuse - we aren't being called names, we aren't hit, so... it's easy to minimize how we are being treated. I don't know if this website will help you, but it helped me. Even if there are just a few of them that hit home with you, perhaps it will help you figure out the best way to address his addiction.
The website is www.confusiontoclaritynow.com
There is a PDF that you can sign up for on the main page, but it is here if you do't want to sign up: https://attachments.convertkitcdnh.com/92119/26b9cbc7-ed9e-41ef-807a-53017639c2f8/Is%20This%20Abuse.pdf
I think of your husband's rejection of your ideas to do fun things as manipulation (again, my perception, you know him better than I do). You address that he games too much - he says, well then give me other things to do with you! You provide him the list, yet, it's not good enough and he's got excuses.
Anyways. Sorry for going on and on, but you aren't alone.
StarPinkPuff Unfortunately the children side of things I can relate to. About 3 months into my pregnancy with my son, my partner had been gaming excessively for a while. I broke down in the car, telling him I was worried he was going to game constantly when I gave birth to our baby. He told me that wouldn't be the case, that he wouldn't have time to game, as he would be too busy helping me with our child and keeping our house tidy. A month later he was still gaming excessively. The stress of him constantly gaming in the evenings, staying up until the early hours and completely ignoring me and the house, caused me to have a breakdown. His way of dealing with that?? Going to work, coming home and leaving me alone on the sofa to cry. He'd game all evening from the moment he got home until the early hours of the morning, laughing and shouting online to his "mates". When I was 7 1/2 months pregnant, we got an amazing opportunity to move into a 3 bed house, for the same amount we we're paying for our 2 bed house. The only catch being that we had to move on a specific weekend for the new landlord, not an issue if anything it was perfect, as it meant we wouldn't have to pay any more rent on the old house. But this date landed on the weekend he'd bought tickets to go to a three day gaming convention. I had been diagnosed with gestational diabetes, often having lows, and having to routinely test my bloods. His parents asked him to reconsider. But he very defensively and aggressively said "No, Nope, Noway!! I haven't been for three years, I AM GOING!!". So at 7 1/2 months pregnant me and my family moved all of mine and my partner's furniture, and belongings from the old house to the new house. His family were too embarrassed to help. When my little boy was born, he helped for a week, before he stopped getting up to our boy, because he was too tired after gaming in the evening. Now he games from the early evening until the early hours of the morning. Often he wakes me and my son up when he comes to bed, which results in us getting up. Then he sleeps all day until the evening to repeat the cycle again. For months now, he has been bringing his first born son round on a Friday evening and doing his usual routine. Resulting in me getting up and looking after both boys aged 4 years and 6 months, from 7am completely on my own until he gets up some time in the late afternoon all weekend. When both of us were up in the day I would try to catch up on my sleep (from being woken by my son for feeds through the night,) whenever my son slept. At first my partner was fine with this, an excuse to game. That was until the house started to get messy, because he wasn't helping again. He then told me I'm not allowed to sleep in the day, because I need to tidy around the house. The hardest part of all, is watching his son come to the realisation that Dad loves his games more than him. It's heartbreaking, and I don't want my son to have to go through the same. His last two marriages were exactly the same, and I should have ran a mile when I found out, unfortunately love is blind, and I stupidly thought he'd changed, oh how naive I was. Why didn't I see the red flags?! So please try and help him recover before considering having children with him. Living with a game addicted partner is hard and lonely enough on your own, it's even harder with children, especially when you can see the effect it has on them. Please get him and you help first.
Ratherbealone x
It has to not only be heartbreaking for you to have experienced that but to watch your son grow up without a father.
I couldn't believe the story (but yet I could) about how he bought a 3 day video game tournament ticket instead of helping you move into the house that you were to raise your son in. t
I am incredibly grateful my husband and I didn't want to have kids, but now I know why he didn't. he'd rather play games.
The first step in addressing this issue would be for your husband to seek professional help. A therapist who specializes in addiction and mental health can help him understand the underlying causes of his addiction and develop strategies to manage it. It seems like he may be dealing with some unresolved emotional issues stemming from his childhood, such as feeling ignored by his parents, which may be contributing to his addiction.