Husband has a problem- No idea where to go from here

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seafinns01
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Husband has a problem- No idea where to go from here

Hi Everyone. I'm KC.

I'm a 35 year old woman, married for 5 years. (No Kids)

It started about 2 years ago. My husband was addicted to Clash of the Clans. He lied to me and said he wasn't purchasing anything. His world revolved around this game. All the time. Dinners. Events with Friends. In Bed. At work.

Flash Forward to June 2017- I found out on our desk top he spent $6,000 in a matter of a few months. He also lied about the amount of debt he had ($25,000+). We've kept our finances seperate since we got married so I didn't know. Well once caught, he stopped playing COC, started going to Gamblers Annoymous, he started going to therapy and we started going to marriage counseling. He continued to play games with the excuse he wasn't paying for anything. I told him this made me worried "Because a recovering alcoholic wouldn't go to a bar and keep ordering water....its playing with fire"

....Well we got burned. Almost to the day. I discovered this week he was playing for a game again. 3 weeks and $500 later on a credit card that his parents pay for (this is a whole other story...His parents. This credit card. Which he continues to lie about having. He told me a month ago after finding it he was going to destroy it) I kicked him out and he is living at a hotel near by.

I'm now at a stand still with no idea where to go. Our marriage is far from perfect (I know marriage isn't perfect for anyone....) and he's had alot of baggage he's been carrying (he's adopted. Had medical problems as a child and spent alot of time in the hospital. He's parents are extreme religious zealots and were pretty absent from his life from high school on and are pretty non-supportive and judgmental. They give money to show love. He had issues with dating and women. I was his first real relationship at 27). He's had 7 jobs in 8 years because "he was unhappy" and had a career change 3 years ago. He was diagnosed with depression this past year and trying to deal with mental stability. I walk on eggshells around him so I don't upset him as he is extra sensitive to everything.

I just can't fix this. I don't know how. I'm exhausted. I tried last time and it failed. He takes no accountablity "So I slipped up...I'm human" and I just don't know how to trust him. Calling it quits would be pretty easy....we don't own a home and we have no kids (we were trying recently but we can not bring a child into this) I didn't even change my last name. But I love him and I believe in the vows I took. But sometimes love just isn't enough. I can't imagine going through another 5 years of what we've been through (besides the gaming issue)

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi seafins

Hi seafins

Welcome and thanks for sharing your story.

It sounds like your husband has plenty of problems that he might have to go in quite deep to fix.

At the end of the day you can only change what is in your control; your own life

It may be appropriate to seek our what you really want by seeing a counsellor who also understands addiction, but will help you to think your choices through.

What is good for your husband to give him the motivation to reach for real change and recovery ( by him feeling the consequnces of his actions)  is not not necessarily also going to keep you together in a couple relationship.

Real recovery is not giving up the drug of choice for a significant amount of time, its about healing the spiritual sickness that caused it. Some people do it by working the 12 steps.

You love your husband but that does not mean things cannot change from the status quo.You can live in new way that takes care of your needs. If he gets good recovery then maybe there will be another chance for you to get back together as a couple. That happened with our member Andrew Doan. His wife did take him back after a separation.

My best advice is you read the forums and maybe start with the link for spouses in my signature.

 

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

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seafinns01
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Last seen: 1 year 4 months ago
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Joined: 06/14/2018 - 9:56am
Thank you Polga. I have

Thank you Polga. I have confirmed a therapist as of today and will start on Monday. I’m not sure what my husband is doing since we haven’t talked this week. But you 100% correct. I’m definitely taking the approach of “me first” especially after years of putting me aside. 

My husband has such self-hatred and little self worth, that he doesn’t deserve anything good and destroys whatever might be working, despite the casualties...me and our marriage. I can’t make him love himself. 

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