Husband hiding things

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ThornedRose's picture
Last seen: 2 weeks 6 days ago
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Joined: 10/27/2019 - 2:27am
Husband hiding things

 So I don't normally reatch out to strangers but I have no one else to turn to. I'm a gamer wife/mom whos married to a gamer husband of 7 years, we were together for several before getting married and having kids. I want to be as forward about this as possible.. our relationship has been rocky throughout the years. To the point I question why I left my first husband for this. I stay stressed, I cry, my depression is running wild and I just feel so trapped that this is the way life will be from now on. I got complacent at some point or maybe just hallow but neither of us are perfect so I won't be trying to sell that card. 
Before our first was born my husband . not really cheated but was talking to another female. I caught him and he swore he stopped himself and knew how stupid it was and didn't tell me to avoid hurting me. Yeah ok.. I bought it. After that he still seemed to just have females flock to him in text or messages. So I did a stupid and found someone online to role play with and cheated that way. Much to where at that time i threatened a divorce. Not because I was running off but because i was tired of having him hide things. Of course we worked it out and years later I had the similar gut feeling he was hiding things.. i snuck his phone and sure enough there was chats and stuff.. even my roomie we were living with (a small family so not like just a male roomie or anything, they were letting us get back on our feet after we moved out) caught me crying silently and asked, even he confronted my husband to try and straighten things out with us. That worked for a while. I was told that would be the last time. I was promised.. Yet here I am seeking help in just direction, my feelings.. I'm just broken at this point. I can't feel the will to care or keep going.I have kids to take care of, animals, getting a job. I keep telling myself if i get a online job I may move back to my mothers and tell him enough is enough. Or spend time apart just to see if it matters to him or me for that matter.
So once more ... we are back to where I have confronted him a few times.. he plays over watch, i don't like the game I get it he had people he plays with.. but he never wants to spend time on the game i play ( I play ffxiv) keeps giving the excuse he's bored .. maybe he is the game is going through a content drought. But he'll type all day off and on saying oh he's talking to friends in the over watch discord. If i confront him suddenly he says he feels like he cant have friends.. or i get accused of snooping if i say certain things. Then he'll cover up and say I can read chats. I never do when he offers.. he closes out discord chats .. i know he does. even just glancing at a screen from just walking by or talking the chat list changes to where some chats don't appear anymore. Recently I did get hid phone, he keeps that well beside him cause it has discord on it as well..if we are out he's glued to it and some phone game. I wouldn't mind the game part.. its just I feel something more is being hidden. 
Tonight I got his phone.. looked through some chats.. we had a talk earlier where he's a bubbly person and so what if he emotes a hug to someone. Fine.. whatever.. it bothers me but hey lets try to make this work and me not be selfish. I know he closes most chats before he goes to sleep just in case I get his phone..heck  i drew something for him a few days ago he showed it our friends.. said it was from me, the random female he showed it to he told them it was from a friend..i confronted him about this an he was like oh i dont know them well so ... yeah that still hurt a lot.. the first thing i tell most people i meet in games or chat is im married.. i like being open about it so no one does anything stupid. Me confronting my husband about being flirty or the emotes and he turned it around saying i was flirty even if i didnt mean to with people in my mmo guild..
how is that the same thing if i am not meaning to and he knows he is...? is it the same thing..? Am I just calling the kettle black and not noticing..? This isn't over yet. I just left him  a message causes my gut is screaming at me something is i looked at his phone, found a friend list person who had a closed message.. he was sending them porn (not personal but still). So I sent my husband a message(he is always up before me) asking that i wanted the truth, that i felt like he was hiding things and i wanted to know. I even brought up if he was erp'ing with someone or sending hentai or porn images..  i wanted to know. I made it open so he couldn't accuse me of snooping..
I just.. I dunno what to do anymore. I tried to hang out yesterday i got like 10-15 minutes of his time.. he's always glued to his phone in the car.. I just feel so starved for attention..I wat to scream at him that someone is going to come along someday and take me away.. cause i'll be reminded what trust an happiness feels  like. I dont want to end things.. i want to work them out but i fear after everything through the years my trust is burned to ash and blown away. I don't want the kids to go through a messy divorce.. last time it was brought up he said he would fight me for them. I'm just scared, alone.. confused.. hurting. Am I not good enough.. do I not do good enough?Is it my fault? I just want things back. to when we first were together and we were happy.. maybe he's just always been this way and i was blind.. I know i shouldn't snoop but that seems to be the sole way I get any answers or even peace of mind.. if i know it's happening at least I'm not concerned for no reason.. "I'm not running off for someone else" I wish you would and stop hurting me..

Polga's picture
Last seen: 16 hours 43 min ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon memberOLGA member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Thorned Rose

Welcome Thorned Rose

It sound very complicated.

At the end of the day, I can think three options;

1) Carry on as you are and have an elongated drama

2)  or you are totally honest about all the stuff you have been doing including snooping on his phone and what you have found out and discuss him sending porn, ask him to be completely honest about what and why it's going on, and then have ground rules about what is acceptable in your marriage from now on. Go to marriage counseling.

3) You totally "detach with love" from getting involved in his gaming/online cheating and think about what is important to you within your relationship and quit trying to change his behaviour. Let him do what he wants but in the meantime you give yourself plenty of care and get yourself to be awresome in whatever you want to do in your short life on this earth. See the link for spouses in my signature below that will give you some tools regarding detachment, boundaries etc.

All the best



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