Husband quit Final Fantasty and is Angry

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totallylost
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Husband quit Final Fantasty and is Angry

My husband had played a game a few years ago , and he hid it all the time, i finally found out why, he was having an online affair, i found out because after he left for work i found the game and looked at the hidden chat.  I confronted him about it and he got angry with me ?  Well now he was playing Final Fantsy XV on his phone, at first it was normal, then he started adding 100.00 to the phone bill and i had to get him to stop,  then 200.00 a week came missing out of the bank, he swore it was not for the game but again was angry for me asking. He kept his phone on him all the time, played while we eat, never looking up, chatting all the time, played while laying in the bed, he even would hang off the side of the bed where i cant see what he was doing.  He would have his phone in bathroom charging and stand there playing it, if i went in to take a shower and he heard me he came in to take his phone out of there.  He said he private chats with a few, I got up one night but of course all private chats had been deleted.  He started playing it at work which he can be fired for , they are not allowed to do that, i confronted him about that , he tried to lie and say he only plays at lunch, i explained i know he plays it as soon as he gets there, at 9am, 11am , noon and as soon as he gets off.  He said to me well i HAVE too .  Why does anyone HAVE to ?  It always started a fight and it got turned around on me, I explained i looked up the game and when you have your wifi and data on that game can and will turn on your voice recorder and they can hear stuff in the background.   He was furious with me.  He had also told him mom he was going to start living his life for himself ?  I asked about that and got some lame answer.  He does nothing around the house ect..   Well he got mad and deleted the game , now he is acting mad at me, snapps at me all the time, has not much to do with me just like when he was playing the game but worse.  He asked me to ask my son what was that game people are playing that you hear voices,  I dont want him playing that, i looked that game up and it says if you have any depression or anger that game can be BAD !  It is some demon game,  he has had depression in his childhood.   Dont even say councling for him because he dont belive in them at all.  I cant even get him to go to church. I took him with me once when we first got married and he accused the first person that walked up to shake his hand of having an affair with me ?  That all stems back from because when we were engaged , he tried to get his ex girlfirend back and lied to me saying was on a business trip .  So now what ? Give him game back ? Let him wallow in self pitty ?

Polga
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Welcome Totallylost !

Welcome Totallylost !

Glad you found us!

If your husband is addicted he will be hooked on the game and will not act logically. It sounds like he is. If he stops gaming then he is going to get withdrawals that are difficult to deal with. You need to be aware of this so you can act accordingly.

Check out the link for spouses in my signature below and read through all the links. it will inform you about most what you need to know about the scale of his problem and also what you can do about it.

It will take some time to digest, but it will help you move in a more positive direction for yourself. You are not alone with these problems.

Keep coming back !

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totallylost
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I was looking at the

I was looking at the withdrawl symptoms and wow : He has almost all of those ! Except for the crying one, he never ever crys.  He will never ever admit he is an addict, if i even try and talk to him about these things his temper flys off the handle at me ! I mean he screaming so loud the other night i know sons could hear it across the house.   He was saying of he had to give up his game they had to give up theirs,  yes they play on Xbox alot, probably too much, they are 26 and 24, but i do not think they are addicts, they go out , go to movies, ect.. I cant even get my husband to do that !   He came home the other day and i seen glitter on his shirt, i was just teasing and said have you been playing in glitter ? and he comptley flew off the handle ! said i was accusing him of an affair ?  How was asking him that accusing him of an affair ??     He quit the game because we were arguing all the time, so now he is just mad all the time .  So i dont know after reading all that stuff, should i just let him go back to it and live my life?

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You talk about "letting "him

You talk about "letting "him go back to it ...

Sometimes the gamer does seek permission for what ever reason. But that would signal you are OK with when you are not. So i would not recommend doing that.

We cannot control their addiction. If he wants or needs to, he will eventually find a way to go back

You don't have to give him permission either way ... you can just let it play out without your interferance or any enabling action and detach with love.

Do you want to live like that for the next how many years ? Some people do. He may get even worse or bottom out,

This is a very simple and direct response;  http://www.olganon.org/comment/266300#comment-266300

You can write a letter rather than speak to him if you think it would help, then step away, look after you and plan your life.

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totallylost
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Well your right, he went back

Well your right, he went back anyway, I checked our data on the phone bill and wow, he used almost 2GB just yesterday at work, he never used that much playing Final Fantasy, I checked his phone after he went to sleep, he has a new game on there now, same kind of role playing game as Final Fantasy, but he has been playing per our phone bill since he said he deleted the other game. I did the sorta detach with love thing when he came home , i had cleaned the house, i was just sitting there staring at him, then look away he couldnt look me in the face, then he just said whats is your problem? I said not a thing, I cant write him a letter or email i have tried that on other things and he blows up ! and he would blow up for sure, I have to say something or he is going to use up all our data on the phones and there are 5 of us that share it but i dont know how without a huge fight.   He will accuse me of spying on the data but he tells me to watch our sons data , but now he is using it all, i am spying ??  I have already been accused of that !  He is just not playing it at home because he dont want me to find out, or he is doing it when he goes in the restroom.

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It depends how you want to

It depends how you want to play this. Here are some things you could consider.

Your sons could get their own broadband connection or cell phone plan or whatever  and pay for it. Your husband has his and pays for it out of his money. Then there are no arguments.

If you are detaching then do not spy on him anymore. The aim is to take focus off him and onto your life. Do not sit there waiting for him to respond in a normal, caring way, sensitive to your needs. Cut the drama and just get on with your life as best you can.

You make sure that all the household bills get paid that are important for you. You make sure that your money or money you are entitled to ( from him) is still in your control and coming in. What do you do if this dries up ? You separate yourself entirely from any financial burden he may accrue from gaming away family money (eg credit card debt) You look into the financial position of your home .... what if he should loose his job ...what if wants to secure a loan against your house ( is that a possibility without your permission ?) You need  professional advice for this.

With an addict anything is possible so take steps so that you can protect yourself are at least know what is what. Start a savings account in your name only, get legal advice about what if things go really wrong and he wants to split ....

Think about ways how you can become more financially independant.

Then get on with your life and become awesome and do things you want to do. You are doing this for you and not for him to take notice ... although he may do.

You cannot win an arguement with an addict so try not to get sucked into his logic. It sounds like he is difficult to live with. It can cross the line and become abuse. It sounds like you are treading on eggshells to a degree and have adjusted your behaviour because of his addiction. Think about getting support for you through alanon, coda or other anon addict group or professional therapist. You cannot control him but you can take control of your life. He will not want you to though.

Keep coming back to read the forums!

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totallylost
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My son can afford his own

My son cant afford his own plan he is in college, plus my husbands mom is on the plan so she cant afford it either she lives with us on the other end of the house.  I have tried talking to her about this but of course she makes excuses for him too.  I find it so hard to just walk away if you still love someone?  But they in this time are being so mean and uncaring,  he comes home (due to he not playing at home just at work cause it hiding it) and sits across from me and just shuts his eyes or acts like he is falling asleep in the chair, its like oh well he rather not talk to me.   He said yesterday about mothers day were we going out (we never do) or does he HAVE to cook,  i said you dont have to do anything, i said i can cook i did it last year, he said well they all (meaning kids) should be doing it. wow !  He is the only one who knows how to cook out on the grill, but it was like i was making him do it ??

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Not making excuses for him,

Not making excuses for him, but I guess it's time your kids learned to cook ! (Perhaps he can teach them !! )

If he is addicted then anything other than gaming is going to be a chore. It rewires peoples brains (literally). Normal feelings are not possible,  but they think they are acting normal . That is how family relationships can be ruined

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totallylost
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My kids can cook, they

My kids can cook, they usually do all the cooking during the week, so its not like they dont know how.  I did send him an email like one of the sample ones on here, told him i wanted my husband back ect., (because he sits in the kitchen after work and just shuts his eyes and wont talk since he dont play it at home, he is doing it at work which can cost him his job !.)  and well he turned it around on me, he said well when did you buy me those energy pills? Maybe i am tired and need sleep ?   He is the one who watches TV until 10PM and has to get up at 4AM and thats my fault ? He wanted those energy pills.  I guess the blame will always be on me no matter what.

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Sorry I thought you said that

Sorry I thought you said that your kids did not know how to cook for Mothers day, and only your husband did.

You have said what is in your heart in your email and on some level he will have taken that onboard and it will be working on him inside.

The addict will often blame everybody but themself. It is a kind of defense mechanism, almost to be expected. You can decide not to get sucked in by his blame, stop arguing with him about anything, and focus on yourself.

It is really sad that someone that you love has changed because of his excessive gaming. This addiction is baffling and powerful. You are not alone.

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totallylost
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Thats ok i can see where you

Thats ok i can see where you thought that.  Mothers day was horrible, apparently he has deleted all of his games Friday and he came home from work and from what i put in the email he was not happy about ! The part where they use it to escape from stress, ect.. yeah well he blew up , turned red in the face, i almost thought he was going to punch something which he has never done, and said his stress level is beyond stress, but what he said he is stressed over makes no sense -example one son is wanting to move out for college which he has done before ( no big deal wasnt last time) , just stuff makes no sense.   Then Mothers Day he snapped at me every time he got a chance, then he got into with the older daughter she is 32, not good, so sons just went to their rooms.  It was like wow, he has always had a temper and like you said walking on eggshells alot before games, now its even worse! 

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When he played he did not

When he played he did not have to deal with feelings and emotions. It sounds like anything he has to deal with at the moment is a possible cause for upset. Without the game he has nowhere to zone out.

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totallylost
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He had been chatting with (he

He had been chatting with (he told me a guy) from NZ from Final Fantasy when he was playing it before, yeah i dont think it was a guy, i seen an email on his phone where he sent email to them subject was Enjoy and it was something called ME ( him), email was pedals . dont sound like a guy to me, the email came back as no good, thats after he deleted the game, but what dont make any sense to me is he made another gmail with that persons name in his gmail on his phone and it said welcome to final fantasy but game is not on his phone.  Why would you make email in that persons name?  i dont get it,  passwords are changed you cant see it anyway,  but i have already stopped trying to see anymore, started talking to my bank making sure cant access saving with debit cards and i will slowly move money.  But weird thing is he is always looking strangly at my phone ?  I never even play on my phone, text except to my daughter. and he can look anytime he wants.  Yesterday morning he work me up before he left for work as always, waiting for me to put on my shoes, and he was behind me whistling under his breath like any day now as in hurry up, he has never done this in all years we been married? Now he has his peference in how is T shirts are hung up, he said his pefernece, he has never had a pefernece in that !

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He could be up to 'something'

He could be up to 'something'. He may have another phone for all you know. Addicts can do funny things to hide their addiction.

I could always tell when my son was gaming on the sly because his behaviour changed. It's a  dead give-away.

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totallylost
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Well I dont think the person

Well I dont think the person from NZ is a girl, i think he gave his game and access to  due to he had all that money on it,plus gave them a gmail account as well, kinda odd i think tho to do that for a man tho.  He still is VERY snappy at me.  We went to get food this weekend, went in his car, usually go in my truck, i seen stuff all over that car! He has a mini boom box he said he got to take to work, then why is it in his back seat. Car is a mess.  So yesterday i cleaned out my truck and was picking up few things in yard and when he got home i said dont lock your car i am going to clean it out due to moutain dew bottles all over place ect,  his mom was trying to talk to him, no way that was happening he stood over me like a hawk right inside the door, he said what you dont like the way my car is?  I said you clean my truck when its a mess and i dont say anything, i am getting all these bottles and receipts out, he snapped at me and said they are only gas receipts ( which i could see they were not ) he still would not leave the car door.  He had a box from CVS that looked like perfume but he took all the lables off, i didnt ask, i said i dont want receipts in trash i going to tear them up due to credit card numbers and i going to use bag to clean out my purse tomorrow,  oh no, he took it and put in what we call burn barell for later,  i gonna go see later this morning to see if he got it which i am sure he did.

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It sounds like there is a bit

It sounds like there is a bit of a cat and mouse game going on between you both.

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