Husband quit now wants to return

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smileyone
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Husband quit now wants to return

Hi all,

Have posted before which was the usual "partner spends too much time on the computer and I feel neglected". Since then there was a break through in which during a year I thought he had gone cold turkey (he admitted being an addict and said he shouldn't play anymore) he had actually been playing the whole time. He's actually quit cold turkey this time but has been struggling with life stresses without the escapism. He was honest and said that during a rough patch he did log on to steam but didn't play. My problem now is that he is showing a lot of signs of depression which he is going to the doctors for. And also worryingly he has convinced himself that he's read enough sites saying that he shouldnt go cold turkey he should limit his gaming. Where I'm banging my head against the wall is that he tried limiting his gaming for 9 years....funnily enough it never worked and we nearly broke up multiple times because he has no interest in anything else when he's gaming. He's kind of half present. But trying to explain to him that deliberately going back to limiting gaming will just end up in the same position he always is is getting me nowhere. He is ADAMANT that this four months has changed his brain. Our problem is that we are married now and I cannot be in the house if he decides to experiment with limiting again but he doesn't want me to move out....we are at a miserable impasse and I'm hoping a doctor may be able to help but this isn't something the average GP has probably dealt with and I don't want any bad advice from someone that isn't sure to mess this up! Anyone been through the same? I understood there would be withdrawal but this is hard because of the depression symptoms as well!
Cheers
Smileyone

Polga
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 Hi there !

 Hi there !

Everyone's addiction is different. the 'real addicts' are the ones who will never be able to moderate. it sounds like your husband may be one of them but is still not convinced. i can see how this is all very hard on you.

Other addicts on this site have reported that the addict brain finds cunning ways to convince them that they are " cured" and one more game will not hurt ... then they are back where they started but eventually, one day, they will realise.

It sounds like you do not want to go through this long process of realisation because of the cost to your relationship and the fact there are no guarantees that he will ever 'get it'

You may find it helpful to read through the information for spouse linked in my signature below; it talks about communication, interventions, boundaries, ultimatums, detachment ... tools that may help you.

A lot of sites for addicts I know of DO NOT RECOMMEND TRYING MODERATION, so ask him which ones do ! There will be forums that are not for addicts which support gaming .. they cannot help him if he is an addict

He may find it helpful to listen in on an online meeting. He will find people who cannot moderate and want to stay quit off games because they admit they are powerless. Link below.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

YoshisCookie
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consider

smileyOne,

I do not know any way to reason with a man who is fighting addiction.

I stayed with my husband through 20 years of game addiction, although he never even tried to quit. His final video game died a natural death and he could not find a replacement. During withdrawal, I stayed with him because he said the right words, because I loved him, and because I wanted to help my husband get through this trial. I loved my husband so much that I allowed him to destroy me emotionally and put me into a dangerous depression. Looking back, that just seems stupid of me.

I suggest with all my heart that you assess your boundaries, make them realistic, and explain them to your husband. If you cannot be there when he is gaming, then do not be there. He will make his choice, and you simply have no control over what he will do. This is just a suggestion from someone who has been in your shoes. This is not an impasse, this is a man who has a video game problem and does not have the oversight to understand. Nor can he see that his reasoning is distorted because the game is calling to him and he needs relief/an easier way of dealing with it.

It's hard, but you must have courage to do what you believe is right and best for your situation. Whether you stay or go, I wish the best for both of you.

smileyone
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Thanks

Hi Guys,
Thanks for the support. The update is that is is going to continue to abstain for now while seeking help from counselling etc and he has found some board games that give him the same positives from the videos games (challenge him/ise his imagination) without the computer aspect so things are looking positive. The only point he is firmly sticking on is an erotic game he has downloaded onto his computer that he is saying doesn't count as a video game as it is not a game with rewards etc (it's basically a super niche porn game). He's saying that this type of porn doesn't exist so he is not going to delete it. So what I find weird is that I knew about this game but he is still very secretive about his "use" of it. Before now I've felt ok with it and accepted he has an odd fetish that I can't role play myself. However, now I feel super low about it and i can't tell why. Am I scared that this will ruin his abstinence as it gives the same dopamine release or is it the fact that I can't do what the "players" in the game do or am I just having a lot of feelings at the moment and I'm over reacting? Our sex life is ok so I don't think he's not attracted to me or is choosing the game over me. Maybe I'm worried it will lead to an addiction to that game. That would suck. Would appreciate any ideas.

Polga
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Everyone addiction is

Everyone addiction is different and every relationship is different about use of 'porn'

Some gamers have multiple addictions eg porn, alcohol, gambling

Some gaming addicts transfer there gaming addiction to something more healthy, like fitness or something that continues to take up time that may be less distructive such as box sets, tv, no video gaming, warhammer, card gaming

Any gaming substitute can be problematic ... it depends it he is using it to transfer off of gaming as a temporary measure and then to give up the secondary 'addiction' in time, or whether he is there to stay and still not giving you the support or relationship you need.

Perhaps you need to talk to a counsellor to explore your attitude to your husband using porn, if this is going to undermine your happiness

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Ensam
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Ping Pong

My husband is in the military. His gaming addiction throughout our five years of marriage has been like a ping-pong game. Two years ago when I was at my lowest point, and we were in marriage counseling, he actually did quit cold turkey, and he didn't play for about ten months. July 2016 we moved across the country for his IT training, and his class needed some sort of morale and team-building activity. So what did he suggest? Friggin World of Warcraft.

He jumped back in with both feet. For a while, it wasn't too bad. Our daughter was a newborn, and he was actively involved. Plus, he had a 45-minute commute to work, had to leave at 5 am and often didn't get home until 6 pm. Plus 48 hours of duty twice a week.

Fast forward to May 2017. He's now on shore duty with his IT position. He goes to work at 7, and gets home at 3. At first, it was somewhat reasonable, and I could handle it. But over the course of the past year, it has gotten worse and worse. To the point now that he gets home at 3, goes to bed until 7, plays until 3 am, and repeat. 

Sorry this is so long, I'm struggling right now lol but all this to say, even if he quit again, I'm sure he'd be back on it eventually. The pull is just so strong :'( 

" We have this hope as an anchor for the soul. A hope both sure, and steadfast." Hebrews 6:19

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