Husband trying to get me to enable -need support

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Bluesky
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Husband trying to get me to enable -need support

My husband quit video games and didn't feel any withdrawal symptoms at all, but he was still playing D&D. I was surprised he was still going to dedicate himself to D&D because he's got a full plate with 12 step meetings almost every night and reading about addiction (plus a family). Events revealed he's also addicted to D&D and quitting that has been a nightmare. I just came back after 3 weeks at my mother's. I was leaving him and then he went into 12 steps vowing to change. 

Right now I'm trying to support him but feeling a pressure to tell him to play the game. I feel like he blames me - as if I'm an unfair mom who won't let him play. I don't want to tell him to play. I already have a child and another on the way... I don't want to be his mother. Ifeel like he wants me to tell him to play so that he can do it and isn't responsible for doing it. He's been pushing my buttons on this for a while now... or maybe I'm just reactive. Argh!

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi Bluesky

Hi Bluesky

That sounds so frustrating. You have this nagging feeling about giving him the" OK" yet your better self knows that to give that it will not help his addiction or your own self respect.

It sounds like he only wants recovery from D&D just as much as it takes to please you, rather than him knowing he needs recovery for himself because he is sick and tired of the consequences of it.

I think that it is an addict rationalisation that he blames you for his woes. AS an addict he cannot easily help getting caught in that kind of thinking. But you must not listen to him, you should listen to your gut and look after yourself.

You should not have to be his mom. You do not have to condone his actions if he asks for permission.

And you cannot control his recovery either. i think he must find his own recovery.. Some members on this forum suggest that each person is responsible for their own recovery. You need to look after you.

When you feel these feelings that he is trying to enmesh you in his addiction a good response could be to mentally step away from his problems and concentrate on yourself and your kids and your needs.

The tools for spouses of gamers include detaching with love, stopping enabling  and setting boundaries; you can find threads about these on the spouses link in my signature below. I think it may be helpful if you have a firm idea of where your boundaries are to stay in the relationship...you may have that idea already. It will help you when he starts to get close to crossing those red lines. The addict /loved one relationship can get scewed by the effects of addiction...the result can be confusion. Having a list of boundaries can help in confusing situation.

I am wondering if you could get a better insight about your needs and boundaries for the relationship by finding a counsellor who can treat you as the wife of an addict; use somebody who understands addiction.

 

 

 

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