Hello all. This is my first post... here goes.
My husband is great but I see him slipping away from us again. We have been married 10yrs and have two kids - elementary and toddler. From what I've learned, I am very likely a codependent wife which just puts me in a position of spiraling self-blame and pity. My rational mind knows that his addiction is ultimately his choice but codependency dictates otherwise. He is well-versed in AlAnon stuff (alcoholic dad) since he attended meetings at 5yo, NarAnon as a young adult and has lots of experience in therapy. He believed some of it helped him but doesn't want to ever be involved in counciling again since he "already knows what they're gonna say and what they're trying to do" even though I have expressed I do.
We have been on this gaming cycle our whole marriage and each time I lose part of my heart.
It started with playing Madden while being chronically ill. There was "nothing else" he could do so I worked full time while he stayed home playing/getting angry/throwing/yelling at the game. I learned to hate that game. I would cry/scream/blast music/work/isolate as much as I could to get away from it and try to make it uncomfortable enough for him to stop. It didn't work, it only made it worse. It changed from console play to computer poker. It was "fun" -- for who I don't know. We ended up with a broken laptop after a streak of bad hands. Add a losing football team to it all (pretty hardcore fan). He lost his job, got a new one, both got into a car accident, lost our jobs, moved out of state, got a job, lost it and got another one. None because of games, just life. Then a new Madden, then FB games, then a new console, new games, on and on. Back and forth we have gone between binges and lulls. After a while I couldn't enjoy the game breaks because I was just waiting for the shoe to drop. Our first son was born and I was literally in tears daily because of the gaming. I would isolate myself and the baby from him while playing -- he was on an online FPS - CoD. Broke a few controllers that year, yelling and cursing while playing. He has never been dangerous, just self-involed. It's just not him. I also had post-partum depression without recognizing it and felt utterly alone. He realized his behavior change and cut back/tried to keep his anger in check (especially after seeing how frightened our son was of it). We bought a house and for a while a little better... but as always, back and forth we go with each update/new game/etc. His cursing/anger has been loads better for sure.
The latest is Destiny 2. It is already a highly addictive, goal-oriented, daily and weekly rewards, team/friend-building game. He is a "clan leader". (Trying super hard not to roll my eyes.) With its release here we are again. He went nearly 24 hours without looking at me the other day. He also took two paid days off work to play. But he missed dropping off our son for the first day of school. He plays early before work, shortly after work, on weekends and often into the night missing lots of pre-set routines we agreed never to miss. He has played with guests here (the only tv in the house in the main part of the house). Lots of players curse so he has his headphones/mic on and usually can't hear us. I'm afraid when I go to work that something will happen with the kids because he is always plugged in. He tells me one hour that turns to four or six. When not playing, he's on his phone communicating with clanmates, playing phone poker, or something football or FB related. I feel like I can't even watch a movie at home with him. He gets frustrated with the kids quickly and wants a cookie or sticker everytime he cleans a dish. He'll do or say things to appease me and when it doesn't work, he uses that as an excuse for playing.
I have tried all things mentioned in books and articles. My codependent behavior makes it hard for me to not rely on my husband to be a husband and father to his wife and kids.
If I don't isolate myself from eveyone, he relies on me to handle everything so I simply don't get out of bed in order to force him to spend time with the kids. At the same time I worry about the kids and listen closely. Yesterday, I stayed in the room until 1pm just waiting for him to turn the fking thing off. He came in at 10:30 saying he'd be off "very soon" knowing full well what I was doing. We had planned the day -- this was not the plan and my whole body was shaking, tears rolling from all the feelings. Suddenly I shot out of the room ignoring him, grabbing the kids, and left. When I walked out the door I overheard him say "alright guys I gotta go" and when he asked why/where I was going I ignored him; he came out asked how long we'd be gone, I replied "if I say 1 hr and am gone for 8, does it matter what I say?"
It's not all he does, he works full time, and puts on movies for the kids, "spends time" "with" me, makes a meal here and there but all these seem like petty motions just to say he does stuff. Also, this usually doesn't happen unless I'm completely detached or he catches me angry/crying. Half the time I see him chatting with the clan or watching the clock so he isn't late for their meet-up, just punching into just enough family time so he can clock out and I can't give him crap about it.
Heart-breaker: my son actually independently dreams, asks, and prays for him to stop playing.
Anyway, aaaaarg! I'm spent. I'm at the depressed roommate stage but he doesn't seem to get that. I guess he thinks I'll just do what I always do and go back to normal after a while - maybe keep his word a couple times, cook a few meals, vacuum. Probably right. I don't think I'd leave him alone with his games but lots of days I want to. I hate that any of these thoughts are ever considered in my mind... We're house-hunting again and I am trying to having a game room where I don't have to look, talk, glare, or deal with him during while he plays since I don't think he'll ever actually stop.
Sorry this end up being so long. I simply have nowhere else to let this out to. Not even sure I should have written this at all.
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