I can't make it stop!

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jgitzen
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Joined: 04/18/2013 - 9:45am
I can't make it stop!

I don't even know where to start... my husband of 17 years will not stop gaming... it used to be Call of Duty and that was bad enough but in February his father had a stroke and his sister decided to give him a smartphone that she is paying for because we haven't had cell phones in years as we can not afford them. He started playing clash of clans... I asked him not to play it. He ignored me. I know some people have financial issues with this game i'm almost relieved we are almost too broke to buy groceries because there is simply not one dollar for him to invest in the game. After a couple weeks of coc he added some fighting game to his repetoire. He plays these games all day everyday. Yesterday he played not only on his phone but also facebook games on his computer at the same time.  I walked out of our room multiple times to the equivilent of an alcoholic binge happening in our living room. He played for 11 hours yesterday. I almost wish he would go back to cod at least that i could try and impose some time restrictions on. He sees absolutely NO issue with his behavior. I casually said pick just one device at one point yesterday and his response was why do i have to. I wanted to scream that he looked like an alcoholic frantically clicking his mouse and tapping his phone. He is right now as we speak at work playing games on his laptop. I would love to take the advice I have been reading here in the forums about just doing my own thing and ignoring his behavior but we have one car which he takes to work so i can't even leave the house. Our High School aged daughters play more and more games and constantly berate me for trying to discourage him and them and encourage other activities. All I hear in this house is how I should leave them alone and let them have fun. But they aren't having fun. They are zombies. They have no desire for anything else in their life and what they have to do they do half assed just to finish it as quickly as possible so they can get back to their games(Hubby mowed the lawn this weekend, didn't bother to do the weeding or even bag the clippings because he didn't want to run to the hardware store for yard bags cuz he wanted to relax). I used to play games myself but now i have guilt when i spend hours making sure our new home is in perfect clean condition and i would like to sit down myself for an hour and veg with a game before i got back to organizing or whatever so I don't play ever anymore. By no means am I perfect. It is a struggle for me to even get out of bed most days and I would like nothing more than to lose myself in games but I can't waste my life like that anymore. I want a life and a relationship with my extended family and friends and all that is difficult enough with our financial situation it's even more difficult when my husband will not help or even participate in our life His best friend and his wife invited us over to their home this weekend but he didn't want to. I asked if we could invite them over on Sunday and he wouldn't allow it. His gaming has affected every aspect of our life. We have not even been intimate in 6 months which he tries to blame me for. I had to tell him as long as those games are more important than our relationship it will remain this way. If you can't unplug and behave like a 40 year old adult you don't get marriage benefits because I am not married to a child. I would like to start therapy to deal with my own depression and issues but there is no money for counseling. We have been given an oppurtunity due to the sad death of his father as he left his home to us. I am trying very hard to make it better and more fullfilling than sitting here pressing mouse buttons and game controller buttons 24/7 but without interest from anyone else in my life in making positive changes I fear it will just be me pathetically attempting to be better and healthier all alone. I'm so lost I don't even know how to make a plan of action for myself anymore. It's too overwhelming. 

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Jen

Welcome Jen

Advice for spouses

I hear that you are feeling overwhelmed right now. I can relate how it feels when you see madness around you yet the addict(s) say you are the mad one. You have hit the nail on the head when you say that we "can't make it stop" because we cannot control somebody's addiction. We cannot reason with addicts. They are expert manipulators.

You just have to (eventually) decide what your boundaries are, and not worry about engaging in any discussion or debate over them because you will never win!

I think you need to start by looking after yourself first. Why not see what Al-Anon, or NarAnon meetings are in your area. They are free ( or donation). They are for the loved ones of addicts...it doesn't matter is your husband is not a drinker. It is still an addiction and other spouses have found the meetings very helpful. There is also an organisation called CODA you may want to see if they have meetings in your area.

While you are taking care of you, do the minimum of housework. Make sure your clothes are nice and clean but maybe leave everyone else's to fester. If your kids have so long to sit and game and are not doing anything worthwhile then they have demonstrated they have enough time to  learn to do the necessary to look after themselves. You are not a servant ! I think that taking to your bed again may make them appreciate you more!

I don't think its pathetic that you may need to make healthy moves on your own...it's the only person you are in control of!. . By knowing your mind and what is important in the situation you can slowly make changes to yourself that will also later the family dynamic for the better.

Take your time to keep coming back here. I recommend you start with the sticky posts on both the public and private spouses forums. Re-read them every few days so what you need to understand and do becomes ingrained in you.

Rome wasn't built in a day so do not worry about getting your plan until you are good and ready.

We are enabling our addicts when we do stuff for them that  they should be able to do themselves, but cant be bothered to. Enabling is also doing stuff that stops them feeling the consequences of their choices. Think hard how you are making life easy for them all. By not inviting other people round to your house, you are also enabling your husband. If you want friends to come over, let them come and let them see your husband gaming away if that is not too upsetting to you. It's perfectly reasonable for you to have friends!

There are parent's forums regarding children affected by gaming addiction on this site. Also the following site is very helpful.

http://www.momsmanagingmedia.com/

You may also find posts by cdgolidlocks helpful. She has written in detail about her life with a gamer and how she got her self out and about on her own and made herself really awesome. You can to, with baby steps.

 

 

 

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