I don't want to spend my life like this

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daisy1984
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I don't want to spend my life like this

Hello,

I have been dating the same guy for 7 years. We both met when I was rebounding (yes, I know bad), but we had a lot in common.  We were in the same profession, had similar schooling and seemed to really click.

Things were great for the first little while.  We lived together for about a year and a half, after which I moved out because I found our tiny apartment felt cramped and I'm a person who needs my space now and again.

I also noticed before I moved out that he was spending a tremendous amount of time watching sports and playing video games on his xbox.  I found myself locking myself in my room (which I took advantage of to turn into my own little haven).  After awhile I realised that was ridiculous.  So I got my own place, albeit in the same building.  I thought it was a great plan and the relationship improved.

As time passed, I started spending more time with him again and we began discussing getting a house.  The gradual re-integration was working well.

Until he got an ipad.  And an iphone.  Over the past two years I have spent almost every single moment we have visited with each other watching him sit on the couch in the same corner, playing some combination of boom beach, clash of clans, crash royale, candy crush and other games between the ipad and the iphone.  On the few occasions he actually does acknowlege that I'm sitting on the couch or that we are watching a movie or now, that we are sitting in a restaurant trying to have dinner... I try to speak to him, at which time he becomes irritable because I am taking him away from his games.

I started pulling back again.  I have involved myself in theatre and film outside of work.  I have met some wonderful, bright and talented people there who...talk.  It feels so wonderful to be able to talk.  Some of them don't even own tvs.  Some don't have ipads.  Some don't even have cell phones (yes, I realize that's a bit odd in this day and age, but you get my point).  But what they all have in common is that they realize we have this amazing world around us and we share and talk about it.  We support each other.  We listen to each other's concerns.  What I see in the people I have surrounded myself with, is that I wish my boyfriend was more like they are.

Over Christmas, my boyfriend was out of town with his family.  When he returned he told me all he and his brother and his mom did was play their respective games on their respective ipads and iphones, while his dad watched sports.  Apparently it was relaxing, those 20 days.

Also while he was away, I told him I want a break when he returns.  I said that it is getting so hard for me to compete with his various games on his different devices.  I didn't blame him.  I encouraged him to not go cold turkey with respect to the games.  I simply said that I would do my own thing and when he felt he was able to reduce his gaming, we could try again.

He didn't like the idea, and for about 3 days after he returned we went out for meals, we talked, we saw a flicker of a relationship.

But while he was out of town, his brother had introduced him to a new game.  So now with approximately 6 different games that he plays non-stop, I realize I'm not in a relationship at all.

Yesterday, I had a very hard day at work. I mentioned it to him in a text while I was at my rehearsal. When I came home, I did some yoga to calm the nerves and proceeded to take him up on his invite to go visit him because he said he wanted to be supportive.

I got to his place and went over to the couch, where I could hear the hoots and hollers and bangs of Clash Royale emanating from the ipad.  I sat down, and began saying why I was sad.  There was a long silence, only broken by "hooo" "bang" buzz" "crash".  I waited.  After about 45 seconds I repeated what I had said. He glared at me and shook his ipad to indicate "I'm playing my game, can't you see?"

I waited until his battle was done and tried a third time. He said abruptly "you worry too much, there's nothing I can do" and started a new battle.  I sat there for 5 minutes in silence.  Then I connected to facebook and talked to a couple friends.  I got up and went to bed.  He came in about 10 minutes later, flipped on his side and stayed up another 20 minutes with the sounds and lights of various gaming videos and boom beach replays emanated from the white ipad from hell.  I asked him to either turn it down or just go to bed as it was almost 1 am and we both had to be up for work at 6:30.  He eventually did.

My alarm went off at 6:30.  I opened my eyes and he went to put on the coffee.  When he came back to bed, he was carrying his ipad...within moments it was on and he was checking his various bases and planning his next attacks and leaving messages for his team members.

I sadly got up, collected my keys and went home.  I'm at work now and have decided I'm unilaterally just not going to spend time with him for awhile.  I find I value my alone time more than I value being alone in his presence.

I'm pretty sure that OLG has ruined our 7 year relationship that I have worked so hard to keep.  I don't know what to do or where to turn.

My 32 year old boyfriend does have a very good heart and (when he is 'present' is a very good man).  However, that man is virtually non-existent. It is the saddest, loneliest relationship I have ever been in.  He still lives in my apartment block, and his lease is coming up.  He suggested that we get a house in a few months.  I went home and I cried.  I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone with my spouse.

I'm 31 years old.  I want to be with someone I can share a life with. But I don't know if I should or how I can get out.

Sad girl

Sad_Dad
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Quote:

Quote:

Until he got an ipad.  And an iphone.  Over the past two years I have spent almost every single moment we have visited with each other watching him sit on the couch in the same corner, playing some combination of boom beach, clash of clans, crash royale, candy crush and other games between the ipad and the iphone.

With these three sentences you have accurately described my life over the past two years.  Now what was a beautiful, loving marriage is ending and it's all because of these games.  I've come to detest "devices."  They are tools.  Nothing more.  Based on what you've described I think you are doing everything right - doing yoga, getting involved in film, being around people, etc.  What has helped me so much has been to get OUT there.  It hasn't always been easy, because sometimes it has meant going places and doing things by myself when I would have given anything in the world just to have my spouse join me.  Outside my comfort zone for sure, but worth it.  It is so hard when your loved one is on a device Every Minute Of Every Day.  If that is an exaggeration it isn't much of one.  I wish you all the best with your situation, whatever you decide to do.

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Daisy

Welcome Daisy

People in addiction cannot share, cannot empathise. But they may think they can.

They can only take notice when they start to feel the consequences of their actions and the pain of consequences outweighs the pain of stopping gaming.

I hope you find some good wisdom in these forums that will help you plan your future.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

steensays
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Thank you

daisy1984, thank you for your post. I am new to this website and I wasn't sure if I could find someone I could relate to on here. While you have been going through this for 7 years, I'm only going on 4. My partner's addiction may not be so severe- he does still maintain a regular sleep schedule and performs at work well enough. The social and physical activities have declined, but most of his friends are also heavy gamers so the amount of social activity was pretty low to begin with. He has openly admitted to using video games as a way to "escape" reality. He does have a stressful job--I know because I work in the same industry. And he does understate the amount of time that he does spend gaming. What gets me most, like you, is having to fight for his attention over League of Legends. And when I get upset about it, its not an option to just walk away (from what I understand, this is simply how the game works, but it still drives me up the wall). It's a terrible feeling, and we had a gigantic fight tonight about it where I expressed pretty much the same sentiment you did in your post. I'm turning 30 this year and I don't want my life to be like this. It shouldn't have to be. 

I am glad to hear that you have been able to maintain your independence and lifestyle through it all. That's something I do need to work on. I don't know anybody personally that I could reach out to talk to about this so I am relieved I found this forum. 

Steensays!

Polga
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Welcome Steensays

Welcome Steensays

I'm glad you found us!

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

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