I feel like I'm grieving my husband

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Whatodo
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I feel like I'm grieving my husband

Hi everyone, wanted to share whats going on in my marriage with my gaming-addicted husband and with me realising I am still co-dependent.

I've been with my husband for almost a year, although married for only 5 months. We have a baby on the way. 
He is 9 years sober and has recently started gaming on the Xbox  (he told me how much he used to love gaming before meeting me but he never gamed in the first 6 months of our relationship, he just started gaming more and more gradually over the past few months).
The gaming wasn't really an issue until around 2 months ago when I realised he would go without food, without sleep and act real moody if he lost or if somebody interrupted him. He wanted to game for hours at a time and I was unhappy with how we seemed to be spending less and less time together.
I brought it up a few times saying he was 'addicted' but he denied it and it just caused arguments so I tried to stop bringing it up. A lot of the time he would make an effort to do the dishes or help with something so I would be happy for him to then go and game. I understood that he needed his leisure time and I was content if he had spent some time with me and our children (we have 3 between us) and helped out some in the house etc.

I think the problem has suddenly become a 'problem' now that he has had internet installed at his house (we don't live together and before this, he would just play at my house, so I suppose I could kind of 'keep tabs' on it so he wasn't constantly playing all day and night).
Now that he has internet installed at his home, he is spending more and more time there. We are seeing each other less and like before when he would go home and we would text or talk on the phone all night, now I barely hear from him. It feels like we are living 2 separate lives.

Last night was when it hit me hard and I realised how much this gaming has a hold on him. I hardly heard from him all day, or when I did it was just a few half-hearted texts, I knew he was gaming because his text messages are usually long and thoughtful. He said we would speak on the phone later but then when he didn't call or respond to my messages, I broke down...yes pregnancy hormones play a part but it was so 'not like him' to ignore me and it hurt so much to know that a game was coming first above his wife.
I ended up sending a few texts, pouring my heart out, I didn't say anything mean but I was emotional and just spoke my mind. All I needed was some reassurance from him, I just wanted to know that he still loved me and cared about me, my co-dependency was in full swing! But what did he do? He turned his phone off and ignored me all night.
He's never done that before and that silent treatment in my desperate time of need was excruciatingly painful, I cried and cried because it hit me that history was repeating and I was in a relationship again with an addict  (my ex, the father of my children was an alcoholic and so was my mother, it eventually killed her.) I felt lonely, unloved, uncared for...like I was grieving, such a dark dark place.
I only started to feel better when I read the posts on here about 'detachment' and realising that I do not have the power to change or control his behaviour, I only have the power to change me and how I react. 

I fell asleep feeling better. Today I woke up feeling empowered by the whole 'detachment' idea. We were meant to be going on a family day out but as he hadn't been in contact I assumed he was no longer coming and I didn't care. I text his daughter and told her she could still come with us so we went on the family day out without him. He showed no concern or even asked about it, I'm sure he was probably happy that he could stay home and have more uninterrupted hours of gaming. We sent a few pictures and messages to each other throughout the day and then when I dropped his daughter off and was making my way home I suspected he felt slightly guilty about last night, or maybe wondered why I seemed so nonchalant because he started texting me pictures of his game, how he is 'levelling up' and why it's important that he reaches a certain tier etc etc.

 He was clearly trying to get me involved, but I responded calmly that I will no longer be having anything to do with his gaming, that I'm fully detaching myself after all the pain I felt last night. I told him I realise I cannot control what he does, I can only control how I react. He chooses what he wants to do and how he wants to behave and he will have to deal with the consequences. 

 He would usually be spending the weekend at my house but he has shown no interest in, or even mentioned, coming over, again probably happy to be able to game more all weekend. So I don't think he is quite feeling the consequences yet, it's still early days. I'm sure he thinks  I'm 'all talk'. But I'm absolutely serious. If I have to practically live a single life, then so be it. I will make the most of it. I have already booked onto a CODA meeting for next week and planning some trips with my children...my aim is to just keep myself busy. I feel empowered now but I know for a fact I will break again soon, maybe tonight...maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week. But I'll deal with that as it happens.

I'm praying for my husband, we are both spiritual people and I hope that God can open his eyes and put him back on the right path before it's too late. I love him dearly and I really want him to be a part of our babies life. 

I hope I can update this post in the near future with some positive news.

Whatodo
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I think my worst fear is him

I think my worst fear is him having an online affair. Although I know he would never cheat on me in the real world, I guess it seems so much easier for him to 'cheat' in a virtual world. So my trust is fading a little. I'm glad for now he doesn't play with a mic, but I can imagine he will be buying one at some point. If I think of him chatting and laughing with his online gamer friends whilst I'm at home alone, this drives me crazy...if I think that another woman may be online playing with him, this turns my stomach. I must get those thoughts out of my head or I will destroy myself! 

Whatodo
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As expected I broke, just 2

As expected I broke, just 2 hours after writing this post I broke down in tears after texting my husband whilst he's at his house gaming, saying I was lonely. The response was as expected, half-hearted because he is busy on his game. Wow, this hurts so much. God please give me the strength to get through this 

Polga
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Welcome WhattoDo

Welcome WhattoDo

I sounds like part of him may feel a little guilty about letting you down and the other half is glad that you are stopping from reacting to his gaming. And it is so difficult for you to detach

I recommend you read the threads in the first aid kit for spouses ( link in my signature) including the thread about enabling, boundaries, when to leave the spouse and communication. Also about getting support for you.

Ask yourself this question, if you you knew that 5 years from now he would still be gaming as much or worse, what would you do now ?

 

 

 

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Whatodo
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Thank you Polga, honestly if

Thank you Polga, honestly if this was our life still in 5 years I wouldn't be with him... I don't think I will be able to put up with it in 5 weeks.

I wasted 8 years of my life with my ex who was an addict (substance abuse) and I'm not going through that again.

Everyday is getting easier for me to walk away, yesterday I didn't contact him at all... I went out and bought a car! It felt so liberating and empowering and funnily enough when he found out he was messaging me all night rather than ignoring me (obviously realising 'she's actually getting on with her life and doing things she should be doing with me'). I didn't buy the car to prove a point, I was already on the lookout for one but of course it's a big deal and we would of definitely usually done that together. So yeah it felt pretty awesome knowing I actually can get on with my life whilst detaching from him and his gaming addiction.

He's still in denial, hasn't apologised or acknowledged his behaviour, still sent me some pictures of his game showing me the level he's reached to which I ignored.

The longer we're apart the easier it seems to be getting for me to wonder if I even want to be in this marriage. I actually have time to think clearly now and I realised how much I've changed during the past year to please him, yet he hasn't made any changes for me- he wouldn't even agree to throw an old, stained towel away when I asked him and it caused a huge argument! I'm starting to see how much I was putting myself last in the relationship, every single thing I did was to please him.

ElRezzo
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So Sorry

Whatodo I'm so sorry you're going through this. At the moment of writing this I've been separated from my wife for two weeks, it's been hard, but honestly after six long hard months of her being abo****ely addicted to World of Warcraft I just saw no future with her anymore. I fought with her for six long months, but in the end her virtual friends were her choice over our eight year relationship, two of which were married.

My wife had always exhibited addict type behaviour, but the gaming one took it to a completely new level. She had never really gamed before during the course of our relationship, but over the course of a year starting in 2019 she got deeper and deeper into her games and in the end it became too much. She would spend all day gaming and chatting to her friends online and our relationship drastically suffered.

I knew that there was more to 'just friends', but she didn't have the courage to tell me for fear of hurting me. Finally after a few weeks she finally admitted that she had developed feelings for one of her 'friends' and that she had started sending sexual images to this person. The moment she told me my heart sank and I knew we were doomed because the trust was broken completely. The sad thing about this was that she never even apologized to me, I had to confront her and ask her why she didn't apologize.

What's pretty sad is that only after two days of separating she had already started showing images of her new boyfriend to her younger sisters and she started blaming all of our problems on me. One of the sisters reached out to me and told me all the things she had been saying and my heart completely shattered at that point. What I decided to do was focus on my mental and physical well being, I'm currently seeing a therapist now and I'm exercising five times a week.

I know your situation is complicated since you're expecting, but I would suggest trying couples therapy to try to work on the issue together. My wife wanted to have a child together and while we agreed at one point it was going to be disastrous because we would have had a child for the wrong reason, trying to save a marriage. My wife ended up having a miscarriage, but at one point we were going to abort the pregnancy because I knew that she was having an affair and her virtual friends were telling her it was a bad idea, mix in the current global situation to the mix and everything just spiraled from that point.

Polga
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Sounds like you are finding

Sounds like you are finding your own power Whattodo and becoming more aware of what has gone on. Keep going !

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts advice here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

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