I never thought I would be here

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Last seen: 3 years 3 months ago
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I never thought I would be here

My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three beautiful children's, 8,4, and 1. Most of the time I am happy, but that is mostly when I am home doing my own thing with the kids. The more I read about the advice of becoming detatched the more I realize that in many ways, I have become detatched. It is sort of a double edged sword for me. Detachment is easy in the sense that I can carry on and be very independent. These days I ask less and less of my husband because I don't want to deal with the negotiating or hearing "later" when he is gaming. I feel done. However, the flip side of it is I'm less sexually attracted to him because of the mental detatchment and I get guilt tripped by him saying how I don't want to cuddle or get intimate. I feel most of the time like he is a stranger and the more I get to know him, I don't like him. This is so scary to me. 

There seems to be a cycle with us as far as the relationship goes, him doing what he wants (gaming and neglecting family needs), me doing my own thing, him realizing that he wants more ( usually sex, to be honest), me getting really angry and standoffish telling him he needs to up his game (no pun intended), he then plans a day with the kids or me, is extra nice for a couple days,I become receptive and more turned on by him, and everything is cool for a few days, and then gradually slips into the gaming neglectful stage. Rinse repeat.

Before we got married I had no idea how bad it was, I always made excuses. He was in the coast guard, he was away for three months, he needed his down time. Now, he is a police officer, works crazy hours, and I've been using the same excuse. But now that I am a mother of 3 I realize that I am not getting the down time and being way too considerate of him while he only thinks of my needs when we argue. 

I have no plans to divorce but if I had enough money to support the family on my own, I might consider it. But above all, I just wish he understood what he was doing. So so many hours wasted away and completely ignoring life.  As I write this, I am sitting outside by the fire that I made, that he didn't feel like sitting by because he wanted to hang out with friends playing online games. Before that, I reminded him that there was a community event with live music and dinner that I was attending and that he said he would go to, and that was like pulling teeth because he wanted to game. He never misses an opportunity to tell me how I am interrupting what he wants to do, or how the kids are interrupting him. 

His preoccupation with gaming confuses me so much. On one hand he can a totally involved dad and husband and then when he is playing, he gets agitated, and if left alone will play for 8+ hours a day and come to bed at 3am often falling asleep in his chair. 

Just looking for help in how to reach him.

Polga's picture
Last seen: 1 hour 51 min ago
AdministratorOLG-Anon memberOLGA member
Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Thank you for sharing Kat.

Thank you for sharing Kat and welcome to the spouses forums

I am so sorry for your sadness and loneliness in this situation. What you say about you becoming slowly less attracted to your husband with time seems to resonate with other stories I have read here from other spouses, such as this one and also here



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