I said things that I don't even regret...

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Puffytail
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I said things that I don't even regret...

Hello all,

I'm new here and desperately need some support. Please forgive my grammar mistakes and run-on sentences. I'm not a native English speaker and am very emotional at the moment. 

I'm a gamer myself, but never to the point that I lose hours and hours playing. I know and recognize my responsibilities and get stomachaches if I can't finish a task in real life. Being a gamer, I kept meeting people who like to game as well. Before my current relationship I was married to a deadbeat dad to no children, who lied about applying to jobs and never getting one while spending all of my money until I had nothing, NOTHING left. He spent all of his time gaming, Well, I finally came to my senses and ended it. My current boyfriend and I met online playing a game, became friends and eventually I drove 12 hours on a 3 day weekend just to see him and make sure we had or didn't have something. We hit it off, spent an amazing weekend and never exceeded 2 weeks at a time not seeing each other. He eventually moved in to my state, since I'm still a grad student here. It's been 6 months since we started living together and it's been both good and bad. It feels and sounds weird to say but I've never been happier with anyone else or on my own (which I love to be) than him. That's why he also made me miserable like I've never been at the times.

I love him so much, yet his game (singular) is taking all of his time. He works full time and plays 5-6 hours every week day, I can't even count the hours on the weekends, definitely more than 10 though. I go to school during the week and work for 7 days. He doesn't have a car so I drive him to and from work (40 minutes in total) and we cook together every once in a while. This is all we do if I don't nag about how much he spends time playing his game. I used to play the same game just because I love it, but I realized he spent even more time that was and I got really frustrated. Meanwhile, I tried to make the most of very little time we had together (because I'm very, very busy) while he was on his headset talking to his dad or friends while playing this game. He wanted me to lay down/sit next to him while he played because he "enjoyed it". I think he just wanted to make sure I wasn't frustrated at a different corner, hiding from everything that is going on at that moment. He blamed me for being unhappy and making him upset when I get like this. We've had a gaming related issue for almost every week now. It got worse.

We went to see a movie a couple days ago and before the movie, I was overwhelmed with frustration of always sitting next to him and looking at a screen. So I told him that I want a life with no screen time. I want to go out, live, help people and actually do stuff. He just said, "that won't be me, just let me play my games." I lost it pretty bad after the movie when we were back at home, I was just throwing salad all over the place (never threw stuff before). Believe me, I was the Brutus of that Ceasar... I was determined to leave, didn't know what was wrong with me. He seemed really calm even though he was ****ed. Stopped me and said "I don't want you to sleep anywhere else but our bed". Same night, he played until 4 am after playing all day long except the movie time, let my cat out because he wasn't paying attention while talking to his friends and did not wake me up probably because he was sure I would leave him right then. Anyway, the cat came back after 12 hours, I didn't blame him but told him he should've come to bed earlier. 

When we got home last night, he said he is not hungry so I can make something for myself, then he headed towards his game room. Realizing that the place is sh** (I refuse to clean if he doesn't help, I'm not his housekeeper) so we started picking up things. Once he saw me doing that he stopped and let me do it (grrrr), called his dad to talk about his game and plans. When he hung up I asked him to sit with me for a second. He started kissing me and you know, thanks to the way he kissed me I thought we were going to get intimate. Then he stopped, to go play his game. By the way, I fell a few days ago and hurt my left shoulder/arm. I can't raise my arm too high so I need help doing some things at the moment. I needed his help to shower (unfortunately can't even wash my hair properly atm) and he just sat down to play. He got angry at me for asking. I just jumped in the shower and locked the bathroom door and that was it for me. I hate asking for help and I had to do it over and over again for the past couple days. I had to ask for everything for him to do. There is 0 communication and I'm a very talkative person when it is someone I love. After that he came to me only once when he had to go to bed at midnight, because that is the only time he remembers that I actually exist. I refused to sleep with him of course. I feel so hurt I don't even know if the things I write make sense or well organized right now. 

Basically, he says that he loves me and he wants to spend his life with me. He is older, and I expected him to be more responsible. His words and actions won't match. I lost it this morning after sleeping separately all night, he was really sorry but I told him I don't want to be part of his world, because we don't live in the same ones. He can't have games and me at the same time. Maybe I shouldn't have said that but I really don't want to spend my life begging for attention. He agrees that he's done wrong. I don't understand why he hasn't responded to anything over the past 6 months. That's what I kept asking him. I've been crying since this morning because I don't understand how someone can claim to care about someone and not see them drifting away SCREAMING. I feel terrible, I don't trust him, I don't think he loves or cares about me. I don't know what to do. I'm very hurt and never felt like this before. Even after my marriage ended, it was a relief. Please help me or I might lose it. I thought I was completely alone until I found this website and a couple more articles. I thought I was crazy and needy for wanting to spend time with my boyfriend. I can't even call him that, I doubt we were more than roommates having sex. 

 

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome to the forum !

Welcome and I am glad you found the forum

Realise that a relationship with an addict is not going to be healthy or easy. His fix is his number 1 priority. You are just a bit on the side. You enable him to keep gaming. Stop enabling him by detaching with love. His addiction has stolen his empathy and free will. He is drawn to the flame.

You cannot change him. He has got to want to change and recover. I do not hear him sounding like he is able to do that. To quit, addicts need painful consequences.

Follow the links for SO's in my signature. Detach and look after you. Become awesome in your own right. Keep coming back to find out how.

You deserve better. You are in love but it will not work. Sorry for all that hurt and frustration you are rightfully feeling.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

BellaINFJ
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I just wanted to say that

I just wanted to say that your situation sounds so much like mine.  I’ve spent months feeling like I’m controlling and nagging and clingy when I detest all of those characteristics.  All in an attempt to get a man that professes to love me deeply just to pay attention to me.  It has begun to affect my self image.  The arguments consistently made me feel like I’m crazy and irrational.  And that has been the key to me realizing that it is HIS problem but I have taken it upon myself to make it mine as well.  No one and no relationship should be able to MAKE me feel anything so negative about myself. I have been allowing HIS behavior to drastically affect how I feel about myself because I focused on how he consistently chooses gaming over me (even when I am sick and need help...actually, especially when I need support - that’s when I feel the most alone).

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I pride myself on being very independent with an ability to detach myself from situations to see more objectively but I have allowed this relationship to change my self perception. I increasingly feel dependent and needy and abandoned.  I think those feelings are causing me to understand the situation better - mainly because I know that I have never felt those things in any other relationship I’ve ever had in my life.  It is so ‘not me’ and that therefore screams to me that there is a big problem that will likely just get larger the more I try to ignore it.  

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And it’s sad because none of the options are pleasant.  That’s probably why I’ve tried to deflect attention from reality.  This is the way this man is going to treat me no matter how amazing of a partner I am.  He will never miraculously revert back to the attentive guy he was when we first fell in love.  If I choose to stay with him, I will likely be alone when life becomes most difficult and times when I truly need a partner to leans on/be supportive.  I will have to divorce my feelings from his actions when it comes to gaming and develop new relationships/friendships if I ever want to have the support of someone that cares for me.  I cannot depend on this man to keep his commitments or for emotional support.  

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And if all of those things are true....what I need to do if I truly respect and love myself is very clear. And it’s hard. And sad. And it sucks. Because I know the man he could be. I can see that so clearly.  But all of my hoping will never make it so.  The happiness we have together will always be accompanied by this horrible behavior thing that I can never hope to change in him.  

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At the end of my  ruminations concerning how to save our relationship I always arrive at the same conclusion....I deserve a real partner. Today is not the day I fully accept that.  Today I still am so in love with him and that unrelenting hope won’t allow me to let go quite yet.  I guess we all have to hit rock bottom first.  

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Anyway, I wish I knew an uncomplicated and painless way out of this mess for you or had some life changing advice to give but the best I can offer you in comfort is that...you are not alone <3

Neith
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Reading the words above are

Reading the words above are comforting to me as I no longer feel I am alone in this. I myself used to suffer from  crippling social anxiety due to health issues as a teen; i would spend ages chatting on mIRC (chat program). It was an escape. I think part of me understands my husband's dilemma- he has PTSD and is an excessive gamer.  Thankfully for me, I had my wake up call one day into my early adult years: I have had enough of lying to myself and started making small incremental positive changes. I understood how I had been so selfish and have hurt my loved ones. I sometimes think that my marriage is me reaping what I sowed : I never understood how my loved ones felt when I was pushing them away. Now I do! As for my husband, I suppose part of me always hopes that one day he will "wake up" too. However, this has been very draining on me. Only recently, I am understanding that denial is hard to get over and he needs to seek treatment. I like the acronym they use at therapy: DENIAL aka "Don't even notice I am lying" At the root of addiction is self-centredness/selfishness and deception. I would know - seeing how I have been on both sides of this issue. I know that he is not only lying to me but to himself. He will do whatever it takes to do what he wants: gaming. He will lie about the time spent and tell himself everything is alright  and that I am nagging him for no reason. I know I did not cause it and if I were not in the picture, he would still be gaming. The hard thing to accept has been that I cannot "fix" this situation. A problem solver like me has a  hard time accepting this. It worked for me, so part of me wants him to see that. In a way, this has been a humbling experience. I have started questioning why I need to "fix" him. As I focus on him, all I have done is neglect myself. I used to work out, dance, etc. All that came to a stop ever since I got married. I felt like I lost my joy. My world has been dangerously revolving around his. I now have to admit that I am wanting to believe his lies as well. I am letting myself get deceived. I now understand that I am also part of the problem. I "engage"  him too much. I am going to practise disengaging. I find that sometimes the addict will "bait" you into a downspiraling soul-draining exchange. My husband will approach me and provoke and then run away to his game and say something along the lines of "this is why I game... you never shut up." Ironic, eh? He is the one who approached me and asked me a question and because he did not like the answer, he used that as an excuse of why he needs to get away from me. All I can say is this: "Take care of yourself first."

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