I’m scared and feel so alone

My boyfriend and I live together and have for the past 6 months. We've only been together 8, met in rehab and of course thought we were different. June to September was Amazing and then we did coke together. That night we both shut down and this was the first time I dealt with the extreme gaming. Long story short we've done this a few times, every time I feel lonelier and lonelier. Monday was his birthday and we did molly together . Pure hell doesn't even cover it and I know it was partially my fault. I caught him twice watching porn while I was nearby, the second time he was desperate to get me to leave the bedroom so he could continue. He gamed for 18 hours straight and would go in the bathroom to send messages, laid in bed so his screen was hidden and would watch my every move. Last night after we had been up for 3 days I tried to talk to him and tell him how I felt. He apologized but I know that means nothing, I couldn't stop being paranoid but I was also sleep deprived. I feel he was gaslighting me. I kept feeling movement in bed like he was playing with himself, I was hearing the cabinet in our bathroom open and close like he hid something. My gut was freaking out. I told him and he adimitly denied it and became angry. I don't know if anything was real but I feel like it was and it wasn't just the sleep deprivation. I'm scared to go home, I can't talk to him, he is turning cold and shutting me out. He also plays the card I live there with no where else to go. I've had someone do this to me in a past relationship and I lost myself. I'm seeing the same behaviors in him and they are so well hidden I can't prove a thing so he is labeling me crazy. I know in my soul I'm not. I just feel hopeless and I can't believe I'm going through this again.