Is it me??

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preciosa
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Is it me??

This is silly. My husband will soon turn 50 and I think he has a problem with computer games. He has always been into computers and has never been a very sociable person (we have been together for 25 years). For the last 20 years or so he has not really had a job. He was very committed to politics, but got fed up with the fact that not everybody was playing fair (what can I say?). So he spends a lot of time at home. He has some engagements still, and gets paid a very small sum. We are really living off the money I make. I work full time and have done so during all our time together apart from when we had our two children. My wage is ok, my work is fun but demanding and sometimes means long hours. I would be able to live with the fact that my husband is a stay-at-home husband, if that is what he was. But everything that needs doing in the house - and on the outside, too - takes forever to be done or does not get done at all. He does what he feels like and leaves the rest. I know computer games play a huge part in this, for he is never without his tablet and he plays while he is supposed to do things and of course it takes forever to finish something. I have cried, I have tried to talk calmly, I have shouted. It always ends with him crying and me feeling guilty. He does enough to not raise to much suspicion. I think he thinks that if he does some things I will not notice the rest. But he is at home most of every day and should be able to do a lot more, to do his share. I can´t do all of these things at home because I have to work, and want to work. If I did not work I would go insane. He has no friends, he rarely takes initiatives to do things as a family or a couple. He can talk about it, but then nothing happens. When we go on holiday I start the planning and then maybe he helps with it. I feel desperately lonely sometimes and I wonder if something is wrong with me. Am I over-reacting? Our children are happy and I know that he loves them and me. So why do I feel the way I do? I feel inadequate and I feel like smashing his tablet to pieces because it is like a mistress that he knows I know about and he still won´t stop seeing her. How can he do this to us? And I feel selfish for thinking like I do. I feel on edge all the time, keeping track of where he is in the house and wondering if he is gaming when he is in the bathroom. How do I stop doing that? How do I detatch without leaving? How do I make life less comfortable for him, as I have read I should do? I do not want to leave.

Anewho
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Hi there,

Hi there,

Is your husband staying up late and waking up late or is his schedule synched with yours? From what I read it seems your husband is taking that magic video game pill to numb some pain. I wouldn't be surprised if he is depressed. Did you both talk about what lies beneath the fact he is gaming? Does he think he failed in politics and is depressed about it? Some dreams / plans didn't come true? Any major disappointments?

Of course, it won't be easy to change overnight. Hard to change a 25 year old habit. Or hasn't he always been gaming those last 25 years when staying home?

 

Polga
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Welcome preciosa

Welcome preciosa

You are not over reacting ; always take your feelings seriously .. they are telling you something is wrong. You feel you are going mad because nobody involved that you know personally, understands your situation or can back up you feelings to say you have a right to feel that way. We do understand here exactly what you mean. You will see that many other spouses here feel the same way you do.

It seems your husband can only look after his own needs. I don't know if he is an addict or not. It seems he has problems...nobody can sort it out but him. You can be a support when he asks for your help; until then detachment is all we can do.

I recommend you read posts by our member Alonewith2 about detachment

When we have a relationship with someone who has addiction or a problem, it can also make us unhealthy too. This is the part we can control; we can chose to recover and make ourselves whole again. I recommend you seek counselling about what you want to do about your life and talk out your current hurts and problems. Also think about your personal boundaries. Keeping finding out about how to detach; you will see book recommendations etc in the posts as you read them. Also face to face meetings near to where you live (eg Al-anon, Nar-anon, CODA) Some spouses use 12 step work to help them recover.

Also keep coming back; there are years and years of spouse experience on the forum that may help you.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

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preciosa
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Hi

Thank you for your thoughts on this. No, he hasn´t always been like this. Gaming, yes, but not to this extent. He used to want to do other things and he used to have at least one or two friends. He may well be depressed, but if so he has been depressed for maybe ten years or more and I can´t help him with that. I have pointed it out for him on several occasions, he agrees with me but is unable to/won´t do anything about it. He ends up feeling sorry for himself when I bring it up and that makes things worse.

preciosa
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Thank you

I will read what you suggested and try to find support and strength from the fact that I am not alone. It is very hard to accept that somebody who I know loves me and his children can do this to us. I think the first time I realised that he really had a problem was when I had been very upset about it all and I had told him how I felt and that it might end with him living apart from us. He then said "I will take the game away from my mobile". He did not say that he would stop alltogether even though I was standing there crying, telling him that he might lose his family . I still try to get my head round that.

Sad_Dad
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Preciosa - it isn't just you.

Preciosa - it isn't just you.  If one partner in a marriage thinks there is a problem then there is a problem.  You are right to trust your instincts.  Would he be willing to see a counseler, either with you or by himself?  Based on what you describe it sounds like that might help.

preciosa
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Maybe

I could try to suggest he sees a counsellor. Have to find one then that knows of gaming addiction and can see through my husbands defenses. Right now I am very angry and don´t want to help him at all, but it will pass, I guess.

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