When I found this site, my tears turned to tears of joy that I am not crazy and I am not alone. Everyone I would talk to about this just kept saying "he'll slow down once the novelty wears off..." or "Just let the boy have his toy..." or "You're probably overreacting." So I'm even more lonely, knowing I can't really talk to anyone about it....until now. I literally cried with...I wouldn't call it joy when I found out there's a place for me to come and talk and have everyone understand what I'm going through.
I have been with my boyfriend (we'll call him my SO) for two years, and you could say we're engaged to be engaged; we have both agreed that we're going to get married as soon as we're both stable and ready. I'm going to school for electrical engineering and I graduate over the summer, and I think the plan was for him to propose after I graduated.
SO got an Xbox One for Black Friday, a little over a month ago I suppose. I know how he is with phone games; he finds one he really enjoys, plays it absolutely to death, gets bored, and stops. So I figured--hoped--this would be like that. It isn't. I started getting upset about two weeks in, the time frame in which he normally gets bored with games. When I expressed my feelings, he basically just said "I told you I have an addictive personality."
It just got worse and worse and worse. Compared to some of you guys here who've had to deal with this for years, I guess I don't have it as bad, but the feelings all of you are expressing are exactly what I feel. He's changed so much since he started playing that f'king game Destiny. I HATE that game. Seriously, that game is f'king stupid! It's the same sh't every single day. It's all the same. And SO has THREE characters. So he runs missions [b]THREE TIMES A DAY FOR EACH CHARACTER.[/b] It makes it even worse that he has several personal friends that play, and he's making new online friends every day. I used to pretend that I was interested in the game and ask questions just so he'd talk to me...but I hate it so much. He talks to people he's never met before more than he talks to me. The day I knew it had become a serious problem was when I came home from work Sunday night (I work 6am-6:30pm Friday-Sunday). Of course he had been playing ALL day after work Friday, ALL day Saturday, and ALL day Sunday. I realized this was a serious problem when I walked in the house--the dishes were literally spilling out of the sink-- dishes arehis job. I walked into the bedroom and literally gagged. It REEKED of his sweat and body odor. He had been so fixated on playing the game all weekend that he became the stereotype of the sweaty gamer. I had even teased him on Friday about how bad he smelled. But the room literally smelled like an armpit. I said something about it, half-teasing, and he snapped at me; I said I was just giving him a hard time, and he was like "well maybe you don't have to f'cking give me a hard time." I spent the rest of the night in the other room. No apology.
I literally feel like he's cheating on me. There's no intimacy anymore. UGH so get this. One time he was waiting for his game to load, so he decided he'd get in a quick f'k. I felt happy, hey, he's putting the game down for me. So we had a little romp but the SECOND his game loads, the very second, he pulls out and picks up the controller. I was like "WHAT THE F'K?" He literally answered me "My friend will get mad if I don't..." So I got dressed, said "I'LL get mad if you don't" and left the room. HE LITERALLY STOPPED MID THRUST TO PLAY HIS GAME. The most pathetic part was when I glanced in the room; he was lying on his back with a f'king boner, fixated on the TV. I have a huge insecurity issue about initiating sex, and after this, I don't think I'll ever be able to initiate again. I had been getting more and more brave, initiating quite a bit, but ever since the demon entered the house, he rejects me, every. Single. Time. Whenever I bring it up, he basically just ignores me. He never initiates. Whenever we do have sex, I feel like a two-dollar hooker. Wham, bam, b'tch move I can't see the TV.
Now, I just huff and puff next to him, shoulders crumpled. I've already given up. I used to say something about once a week; begging him. I go to school during the week and work on the weekends, so the only time we see each other is in the evening before we both go to sleep. Now, Destiny has stolen that tiny timeframe from me. I've begged him to just put the controller down for FIVE **** MINUTES when I get home so we can talk for a second or two. But apparently even five minutes is too much to ask for. It's insulting. I understand addiction; I used to have one myself. But at least I was able to give time to those asking for it; I wasn't straight up RUDE. The sh'tty thing is that the TV and Xbox are in our bedroom, so whenever I need to get to sleep, he just mutes the TV, turns the lights off, and keeps playing. I've had horrible insomnia ever since I was a kid, and I have to take Ambien for it. It doesn't take much to wake me up, like that g'd **** clicking of the controller.
He's become irritable and snippy. He gets angry at me for the smallest things. Whenever I'm able to drag him out, I KNOW that all he's thinking about is just getting this sh't over with so he can go back to his mistress. Which is exactly what he does. I don't feel important anymore. I don't feel loved, and I feel COMPLETELY taken advantage of and taken for granted. If I stopped doing chores, his house would literally be condemned.
I am so alone and so miserable. What happened to the man I fell in love with and wanted to marry? Is he still there? Will I ever see him again? The thought of leaving him keeps crossing my mind, but I love him more than I thought any human being was ever capable of loving. He's always been open to my concerns, but for this one, I might as well be talking to the Xbox itself. I don't know what to do because I want my future husband back. But I also can't keep going on like this.
I read from a post here that someone said she pretends that she's a single mother with a boarder. I think I'm going to start trying this; just pretend that the love of my life is my landlord. A good friend of mine moved back into town, so I'll have a friend to hang out with until school starts again mid-January. Hey, maybe my SO will notice and get jealous and think I'm cheating and start paying attention to me. Or not. Probably not.
But, believe it or not, this huge rant has actually made me feel a little bit better, becuase I know that my audience will be receptive, and they'll understand what I'm going through. Seriously, even though I have never met any of you, I already feel like you are my good friends. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and respond. It REALLY REALLY means the world to me. Thank you.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.
- Philip K. Dick