My husband is addicted to Destiny..Help!

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Destiny_Widow
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My husband is addicted to Destiny..Help!

My husband and I have been married for a little less than a year. He never played video games while we were dating and hardly touched them for the first few months of our marriage. However, everything changed when the game Destiny came out about 6 months ago. He works 4 10s and would come home from work around 8pm, head straight to the Xbox, and play until 3am every night. On his days off, he plays all day long (sometimes from 10am to 4am the next day). He is so busy playing Destiny that he neglects any house work and leaves food and trash everywhere for me to either clean up or live in filth.

He has not come to bed with me in 6 months and says that 10 or 11pm is way too early and that I shouldn't expect him to lay there awake next to me. He thinks I am crazy for wanting him to come to bed with me on occasion.

After many arguments about how little time he spends with me, he agreed to only play after 10pm on the says that he works. He makes this seem like a huge sacrifice. He says it shouldn't bother me how late he plays if I'm sleeping anyway. So this means from 8-10pm he "spends time with me". In other words, he grabs the iPad and sits in the same room as me while he plays other games or looks at stuff online about Destiny. If I try to make conversation with him, I have to repeatedly ask if he is listening since he never looks up from the iPad. Once he is playing Destiny, he is on his headset and doesn't hear anything I say. He gets annoyed if I interrupt the game by making him take off the headset to talk to me for a moment.

i am now 3 months pregnant with our first child and am very concerned about this behavior continuing once the baby is born- essentially leaving me to be a single mom. Since I got pregnant, he will help out with some chores occasionally, but only if I nag him excessively- even then I often have to redo whatever he does because he does such a poor job. I am a full time grad student and also work part time to help make ends meet, so having to clean up after him while pregnant and working crazy hours is at times enraging.

He sees no problem with how often he plays or how much he neglects our marriage. I have asked for him to see a marriage counselor with me, but he just gets mad and rolls his eyes. I don't know what to do and I guess I am just looking for my feelings of frustration, sadness and anger to be validated. Outside of his gaming addiction, he is a beautiful and amazing person- but I seldom get to see that person anymore. I am tired of trying to talk about it with him as it always leads to a huge fight that goes nowhere. Any advice you all have would be much appreciated.

Polga
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Hi Destiny Widow. You are

Hi Destiny Widow. You are not alone in the way you feel or are treated by your gamer. Compulsive gaming can turn them into people who are different from the person we once knew. They become selfish and lack empathy to the needs of others. Pleading for help and attentions often does not work. You cannot rely on him to give you the support you need so you need to look after you and find sources of support outside your marriage.

http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others-open-forum/help-my-spousesignificant-other-addicted

This post is a good start to explain the issues if you haven't seen it yet, but I recommend you keep coming back when you have time to read other spouse stories about how they have coped. You have choices about what you can do to get the the kind of life you want to lead, but we cannot control the gamers choices. It's not fair that they treat us the way they do, but we can't change it. And we do not have to let this unfortunate truth blight our lives once we start to make our own plans and practice self care.

((Hugs)) to you and your baby

.......................................

Link edited 06 May 2015

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Alonewith2
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Hi, you are definitely not

Hi, you are definitely not alone - sad though that is.

Firstly you are three months pregnant - you need to look after yourself. I have been through 2 pregnancies with a husband addicted to games and it was not pleasant. He was better in the second pregnancy than the first however, but the second ended with him on the tablet through my labour, only stopping when he had to dress to go into surgery for the C-section.

Get some support - pregnancies can be difficult even with the best support. With the dreadful loneliness that gaming can bring you need to find other people around you - speak to others who are pregnant and enjoy the time with your baby growing inside you. If he doesn't want to come to scans or visits then you cannot make him - if necessary take someone else who will share your joy.

Life changes when a baby arrives and there is no way to predict what your husband will do. Your job is to look after you and your baby.

Definitely read about ways to detach and take control of your own life, but when a pregnancy is involved you need some added support - go out and get it, but do not rely on your husband for it. Accept what he does give if it does not hurt you. You cannot control him - I hope for his and your sake that he will come to the party and not miss out, but you need to enjoy your own life even if he is attached to his game permanently.

Destiny_Widow
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Thank you both for your

Thank you both for your support and advice. While I'm sad that other women have to go through this, it's helpful to know that I am not alone!

Aml17
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Destiny_Widow,   You are

Destiny_Widow,

You are not alone. My husband is actively choosing Destiny over our marriage and our children daily. I have been through the same ordeal with Halo and WoW (but it was not until Destiny that I understood there was an addiction and I logged his hours playing to be sure-over 30 hours a week possibly 50 but a girl cannot log all hours-I need to sleep!!). I have tried " everything to get his attention. I did what you did with the "play after the kids are in bed" or after you spend time with me. What a terrible idea that was! All he did was pace (literally-pace!!) the floor looking at his cell phone or worse...he was texting the people in his raid to let them know when he would be back on. My suggestions that helped me, many are from this site:

a) order melodie Beatty's book The New Co-dependency---I learned that I needed to 'recover' from his addiction. Not all of this applied but some was very insightful.

b) set up an appointment with a marriage counselor. Just do it. Tell him the date & time and location. (if you can find a marriage counselor that deals with addictions, even better, but just get it there). The first few sessions are the worst. Bring up how you feel neglected, etc due to the gaming but don't directly attack his gaming--I learned that is the best way to **** off an addict and honestly, it only ends up causing YOU pain.

c) Write a list of the things you need to do for YOU. Start doing them. Don't forget your prenatals and eating healthy :)

d) You will go from angry, to sad, to ready to leave, to accepting and back to ****ed off. Allow it for you. It doesn't make a difference to them I have found.

e) Read the first 3 STICKY notes at the top of this page over and over and over....

f) Join an al-anon group--they are helpful--it makes a difference.

g) If you do have a moment where your husband is being a slob and you want to clean up for him---DON'T!! Instead, write a quick note of things for HIM to do. (I.e. clean up the dishes and glasses please! and throw away all the chip bags! and stick it on him when he plays. My husband does not look up when I go near him when he is playing so leaving a note works for me.)

h) I found telling friends what was happening helps. Choose the right friends to tell! you need empathy now and kindness....so find that outside of your addict husband!

i) Get yourself a individual counselor. There is only so much you can handle of this on your own.

Good Luck. Try and enjoy your pregnancy. This is going to be hard so pull together an army to help you. You deserve a great support system!

Hugs!

codfish
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Hi I am sorry about your

Hi I am sorry about your struggle and wanted to comment as a husband/dad of 2 whose wife just reached the breaking point last night with destiny. What she did was help to free me from an addiction. I have addictive tendencies, and have abused alcohol off and on since my teen years. I started playing destiny in December, and have played over 300 hours. I have never, ever played a game that much. This game is specifically designed to target the parts of the brain related to rewards and pleasure. However, my situation arose as a combination of the game design and a bout of depression in life. I have been very unhappy with myself, my work, and lack of ambition, and I was using this game to supplement. I have recently started exercising again, eating well, and relying on my wife to be my rock and strength in my time of struggle. I don't know how your husband is doing right now mentally, but I wanted to share my story with you, because he may have larger issues that are pushing him to use this game as an outlet. Ultimately, he must take control and become the partner you deserve. It is a very real struggle and I wish you the best.

Destiny_Widow
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Thanks for all the advice

Thanks for all the advice and words of encouragement! Will definitely try this. I hope things get better for you and your husband.

Destiny_Widow
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Codfish, thank you for

Codfish, thank you for sharing your story. What did your wife do that helped you to see the problem and start trying to overcome it? Or what do you think I should do to help the situation with my husband/what should I avoid doing to keep it from getting worse?

Alonewith2
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Destiny_Widow nothing you do

Destiny_Widow nothing you do can cure or control your husbands addiction - you didn't cause it either. What are you doing at the moment that enables him to keep playing. There are numerous things spouses can do or stop doing, but they depend on your own situation and what you have been doing for and with him.

Here are some of the more commonly mentioned ideas:

1. stop supporting financially if you have been

2. stop cleaning and serving food - especially if you are just taking it to him in front of the computer

3. stop washing clothes and the dishes for them

4. do not talk to them while they are playing games and if you have to you can try looking at them (NOT at the screen) and staying silent til they look at you in the face and then address them, if they look back at the screen while you do so then you keep quiet and just keep looking at them

5. go to bed and do not wait up for them

6. get on with your life - find friends and go out - you can invite them or just go, but if you invite him do not expect him to come and do not arrange things where you would not be happy to go alone - expect to go alone and do so.

7. look after your health - get exercise, go out in the sun when you can, eat healthily, find social contacts where you talk about anything but your spouses addiction, have another time and group of people where you talk about your recovery and what you can do - this site is great for that though going to Alanon or Naranon helps a lot and addresses many of the issues needed to recover.

8. Write a gratitude list - your emotions often go on a roller coaster through recovery. SOmetimes the anger and frustration is huge and it doesn't just stop. Keep concentrating on the positive even (perhaps especially) if none of it has to do with your relationship with your spouse.

9. Do not buy any presents that help gaming addictions for your spouse - no games, no game playing helps, no characters pieces, no expansions, no computer devices that are specifically for gaming or upgardes to his computer, no other devices on which he could play games. If you are paying for the internet connection you could cease to do that too.

10. Usually by the point the spouse realises the addict has ceased to talk about the games he is playing so most spouses do not have to show interest in the game anymore. If your spouse still communicates with you, try to speak about anything he is still interested in that is not gaming related - even if it is just the weather or politics (:))

Detaching with love is sometimes hard to do - we want revenge for all the hurt done. However if you think through what you are doing you will see that most detachment options are loving - if you refuse to feed your spouse cause you want to get back at him then it may not be such a good idea, but if you are cooking and he agrees to come and eat at the table without devices when you call then that would be fine - if he does not arrive in time you can always throw the food out which would be setting a boundary and with consistency would be a loving and kind thing to do.

RaindyDayTea
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I'm in the same situation as

I'm in the same situation as you except I'm not pregnant. I can 100% empathize with you! It's so hurtful.

FedUpWithDestiny
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I can relate!

I am a newlywed (second marriage) and feel incredibly ignored and neglected because of my husband playing this game. I find it ironic that it is titled Destiny because by them choosing this game over their marriages, they are indeed controlling their own destiny right to the courthouse! If they want their destiny to be in front of that screen for 7, 10, 12 plus hours a day then they could get their wish but without us there! 

My hubby had addiction issues in other areas and it seems one has been replaced with another. And when he vows to give up Destiny he just replaces it with another game or something in his phone. I thought progress was made when he unplugged only to find out he and his team were on a break between releases! He did nothing noble there. 

But I can relate to the following:

-My husband saying he needs it to unwind and makes a beeline for the game as soon as he hits the door from work

-blows up with almost a jeckell and Hyde personally if I attempt to engage with him in any way while playing 

-zero conversations and does the bare minimum of help or engagement to justify playing 

-states that it is better than being in the bars 

—makes me feel it’s my problem for being too needy when my requests are  normal  relationship requests 

-spends ALL his free time gaming and openly admitted that this is what he wants to do with his free time (what do I do with this? I can’t be with someone who has no time for me) 

-rushes through or complains through chores, outings, events and constantly checks the time or his gaming chat group

-is more jovial and intimate with his gaming buddies and complains to them about his “nagging wifey” ... apparently the wives of some of these gamers work night shifts. Even complained to them he had to go on an anniversary trip with me 

-Is downright angry or belligerent if I inquire on how long he will be, if he can eat dinner with me, or would like to do something with me

-sex life is non existent 

Mind you , we broke up once so  he is capable of being attentive as he won me back just to have it start all over again. I’m busy as well and my time is valuable but I make time for him . I also have serious health issues and  need to rest but he won’t turn off game even to allow me to nap. It is apparent that gaming is first. He has even rearranged his work day to game. 

As im writing this I feel really stupid because it’s apparent it is an addiction and I’ve enabled it by at first being supportive of his hobbies as any good partner should. But now I feel taken advantage of!  This forum is helpful to provide support and compare notes even if we don’t have all the answers right now. 

Polga
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Welcome FUWD

Welcome FUWD

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you find this site helpful. There is a spouses online meeting every other Thursday at 9pm EST/EDT

You are not alone xxx

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Momof2Ks
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I feel the same way I feel

I feel the same way I feel like I’ve been an idiot to enable him all these years. I made it seem ok and at first when he played sometimes it was but it grew into this huge problem now that’s taken over our life. 

Wife
Mom
Love my family
HATE DESTINY

Momof2Ks
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It’s non stop

Anyone else experience if you ever get them off the game then they just watch videos of other ppl playing the game? 

 

Last night my husband of 13 years told me we basically just live as friends do we should just not be together anymore. THATS CAUSE HES ALWAYS ON THE GAME! I don’t know what to do I’m broken. He plays from the moment he comes home till he’s time. I serve him meals in the game room I eat alone with the kids I do the house work and home Work and deal with the pets etc. recently I asked him what his ideal weekend was and he said “playing my game and being left alone” I don’t know how to get him to see he has a problem.  

Wife
Mom
Love my family
HATE DESTINY

Polga
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Welcome Momof2Ks !

Welcome Momof2Ks !

Sometimes it is hard to reach them. We cannot control their addiction. Often only when they feel some consequnces will they want to change. 

Read the sections about enabling, interventions and detaching with love from this link below, also the thread about getting support for you.

http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others/first-aid-kit-spouses-and-significant-others-video-game

You cannot change him, but maybe you can change you and you will start to feel better .. it may alter the dynamic so he feels the changes and it may start to affect him, but do it just for you.

Any questions please ask

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

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