My 52 yr old husband has always had an addictive personality.. & that's what worries me.. We've been happily married for almost 33 yrs & have 2 grown children who have both graduated from college & live on their own. I've been a stay-at-home mom since 1991.. & don't get out much due to health issues. I joined Facebook in 2010 to keep in touch with my friends & to have adult conversation during the day when DH is at work. It's my only outlet; & he has complained that I spend too much time on there.. I have been known to continue a conversation with a friend or family member when he's home.. but really try not to ignore him when he's here. But I am not offered the same consideration..
In the past, I've found that he was watching porn online.. & I mentioned it.. He denied it.. tried to hide it.. said he would stop.. didn't.. then-- supposedly DID.. It's truly beyond me.. bc if he still IS.. he's gotten really good at hiding it.. But-- that's not the problem that brings me here.. It's just a little FYI about him that may help me get better advice from others on here.. I hope.
Anyway.. He uses his laptop basically only to play games.. He's played one for years that does involve being on a team.. & he'd play it all the time.. sitting at the dining room table behind me "watching tv." I complained about having to rewind or explain something he'd not seen due to inattention & averted eyes. He still does this on weekends.. but his constant play has moved to his phone since he's gotten a few upgrades over the years.. which means he can now sit in the living room with me.. "watching tv" while playing the games on his phone.
He plays a few different ones that are solitary.. but mentioned being in a group on one.. & has now also started a rpg, too.. It's mostly men.. mostly in high school, college or thereabout.. & a few girls.. again, same age, I think. He doesn't hide any of this from me.. but, I have noticed him typing messages while playing & smiling while we're "watching tv." He still misses stuff on tv & I stopped mentioning it. He also misses everything I ever say.. the first time.. sometimes, not even asking me to repeat it. I'm tired of repeating everything I say.. & I've told him.. but I guess he doesn't care, as he still continues to have his attention on his games all the time.. Yeah.. while we're eating.. when we're not watching tv or doing anything else.. all the time.. all the time. I've proven that he doesn't hear anything I say.. & thus, remembers nothing I say.. But the worst, is when he declares that I DIDN'T say "it." So, lately.. I've just stopped talking about anything.. & basically, at all..
He constantly has to have several things going at once.. like gaming & tv.. listening to books on tape at work or in the car or while mowing or doing yardwork. I think (& he agrees) the only time he's awake that he doesn't require multiple tasks is when he's showering. He seems to "like" the "stress" they cause, but doesn't enjoy his frequent headaches.. A friend suggested this may be due to him wanting to avoid thinking about "things" to stay "out of his head." We both agreed with her assessment. He doesn't wanna "think about things."
He says he isn't spending money on games.. but he did in the past.. Again.. I'm not sure.. He, like me, is very introverted.. & neither one of us really have any friends or family that we see often or do things with. He has no hobbies outside the house.. neither do I. Neither ever has.
I know he plays these games & chats with the people (not only game stuff, but mostly that) while he's at work.. & the 1st & last things he does upon waking & going to bed.. is check his messages & chat.. Sometimes, privately.. but I can still see it.. (unless he's doing the secret messages.. so.. again.. unsure.) He has friends at work & sees & talks to many people, daily. I have warned him that if he gets fired for gaming at work, I will make him wish he'd never had a phone. He doesn't seem to think this will be an issue.. but... ??? He chats right before he leaves work & again when he gets home. He has tried to hide how much & how long he "plays" & has tried to cover for it saying his phone was updating or there was a glitch he was trying to fix, but I know he was lying. He works very weird hours.. so we "keep" very weird hours.. basically upside down..
The games that I know he plays are all for ages 10+.. so, I assume there is nothing even "adult" themed.. but I don't know for sure, as I've never once seen a screen.. Only once have I seen him switch from a chat screen (quickly) as I came up behind him, unexpectedly.. (Same thing he did on his laptop when I "caught" him watching porn, incidentally..)
We have about 3 hrs a day, together.. for the 6 days/wk he works.. more on Sunday.. but he pretty much spends all of that time diverted.. by the games & chatting.. So, we rarely have any conversations. He keeps his phone with him all the time.. even when he takes the dog out.. & stays out sometimes much longer than it takes her to finish her potty time.. I guess it just feels weird to me.. that we're sitting in the same room.. silent.. & he's chatting it up with people he doesn't even know.. while pretending to be someone/thing else in a make-believe land where he's rewarded for reaching a new level & gaining points.. & receives accolades from strangers, who, I guess, he (now) thinks of as "friends."
So.. why am I here? I don't know whether to mention to him more about my fears of what this may be doing to him & "us"..? I don't know if I'm the one being unreasonable/selfish/jealous? ..asking him to give up something he gets enjoyment from when he has nothing else/does nothing else & still does all his household stuff.. even more than I do.. even tho I'm home all the time? He still goes to work every day.. & keeps his same sleep schedule, except maybe on the weekend, when he will extend his normal waking hrs.. to be up later with me (tho still usually playing the games & chatting, too.) As I said, I've already mentioned him not listening to me, constantly playing & multitasking & concern that he plays so much at work.. (tho I really don't know how much he actually plays/chats in a 24 hr period.) Also, we have discussed his addictive personality many times.
I don't know if I'm overreacting.. or am jealous.. or crazy.. Jealousy is not an emotion I'm familiar with.. so, I don't actually know if that's what this weird/sick/nervous/upset feeling I'm having IS.. or if it's just my intuition.. maybe, working over time? I just really don't know what to do or think. I don't know where to turn or from whom to seek help, assistance, clarity, counsel? Or if that's even necessary?! I don't even know if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill or if my concern is misplaced? At this point..any help at all would be appreciated..
Ironically.. my husband's parents divorced after 32 yrs of marriage.. She said he didn't give her enough attention. He's not a gamer, at all.. So, I guess there really ARE "50 ways to leave your lover."