new here, my wife is addicted

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ALmazing
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new here, my wife is addicted

I have been dealing with this issue for about 6 months, I am a dad if 3 and married for 8 years. I work full time and my wife stays at home with the kids. She was always checking her Facebook on her phone so I didn't notice much at first. *Disclaimer* my wife is not my servant and I do not treat her as such. It started with every night was take out or microwave meals. No time to cook. Then she never had time to do laundry. The phone always seemed to be glued to her face. She stopped talking to me like she used to, always busy or not listening. Mood swings. Then I would come home to all of the children filthy, diapers hadn't been changed for hours, rotting food spread out on the floor. But the phone was on. I finally found out about the game. She has spent about $2400 dollars on mobile strike without telling me, and actively hiding it. I then found out she has had explicit online relationships with a few guys she met on the game. Trying not to be mad I asked her to please stop the chats and game, how it is negativity hurting our marriage. She flat out said no, and then brought up my past history of having issues with smoking and drinking. She has cut back some and is making an effort after she found me crying in my car. I feel hollow inside, when I talk to her I wonder who this person is and where the love of my life went. It feels awful to be second place to an online game. I feel better venting some, I love my wife and want to stay with her for all eternity. Looking for advice

Al

May Light
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welcome to OLGA Almazing

I am sorry that you have to go through this but your story is so similar to many others. It is gaming addiction and I believe it is becoming like an epidemic. Many people don't even recognise that there is a serious problem attached to this type of behaviour. I went through this with my son and I acknowledge the dynamics are much different. But the common issue with excessive gaming is the way it hijacks the brain. the brain literally changes and the chemicals involved causes the individual to behave in a similar way to a drug addict or a gambler. Messed up brain almost literally changes the person once you knew. Their fix, their digital drug is what is most important all of a sudden. They have to have their fix. She will keep denying that there is anything wrong. They usually lie,manipulate and do whatever it takes to get their digital drug. It must be so hard for you. You do your bit in raising the family and no doubt you expect her to do her bit. You can encourage her to read the posts at this site and even join and attend the meetings. But reasoning usually doesn't work. Their executive center of the brain is bypassed so they can't see what is important in life, what matters most any longer. Talking, screaming, crying, trying to reason, barganing etc may only work for a short while but doesn't solve the problem. Unless she quits completely and allows her brain to heal for months, it is very difficult , if not impossible, to come out of it by her will power(if she is addicted) . Do you pay for her phone bills? The money she spent on the games, did you end up paying? You may tell her that if this continues you will stop paying for her phone and expenses because you can not enable or support her for something which is detrimental to her and the family. It is not because you want to punish her but because you love her and want the best for her and your family. Dr Doan, who is a member also, had gaming issues and his wife ended up taking the kids and leaving him. That was a wake up call for him and he then realized what he is risking and worked on his gaming issues. 

It is likely that raising three kids is very stressful for her and she is escaping reality by gaming. For some people reality is far too painful so they choose to escape from it rather then ask for help.

It is a very difficult situation and my heart goes out to you. Maybe you can read some posts hear and find a similar situation where you can make some decisions on how to go about it. Take care and stay strong. You are definitely not alone.  

"The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past. You can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches." "The first step toward change is acceptance." "Once you accept yourself, you open the door to change. That's all you have to do." "Change is not something you do, it's something you allow."- Will Garcia

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Al

Welcome Al

Thanks for sharing. you are not alone with this problem.

Excessive digital gaming changes their brains and personality. They start to lack empathy.

Keep coming back to make some sense of this very sad situation you are part of. There is years and years of advice and experience on here. You just need some time to read and let it sink in

Introductory advice here: http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others-open-forum/help-my-spousesignificant-other-addicted

If she is an addict she can only quit if the consequences are bad enough for her to want to. You cannot make her recover, but you can work on yourself so that you stop your part in contributing to this problem.

To understand what you can do you will find it helpful to keep coming back to see how other spouses have coped.

Things that can help you;

Learn about "detaching with love" http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/detachment-what-means-and-how-do-it

Understanding what enabling is; http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/about-enabling-spousessos-addicted

Also you should consider what your boundaries are regarding staying in the relationship; where do you draw the line?

Thread on how to get support for you http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/your-partner-gaming-addict-how-get

Addiction is different for different people. But if you do not do anything to change the situation, it could go on for years, getting worse with time.

Learn more about gaming addiction here: http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/supporting-and-understanding-addict

 

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

herewegox3
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Same boat as Al

My wife got heavy into this poisonous game, and it became the final nail in the coffin for our marriage. Right before she became heavily involved in WoW, we adopted a blind kitten. As soon as her life became consumed by this horrible game (she would come home from work, ignore me, and hop right on to warcraft), she started forgetting to feed him. She started to forget to refill his water. And she just ignored everything. Two months later, we're facing a divorce, because she cannot see that this game is poison, and only sees that I'm "selfish" because "I don't want her to play warcraft all the time."

Now she wants to go to Texas for a "guild meetup," which is taking place at another man's house, who she only knows from warcraft. He could be a rapist or a killer, and she doesn't care. She just wants to do what she wants, whenever she wants to do it. And now it's all over.

Matthew

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Welcome Matthew

Welcome Matthew

Thanks for sharing. I'm sorry to hear about what happened in your situation. You are not alone with this problem.

Take good care of yourself.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

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