I am a newlywed married to a man whom I knew played online video games when we met. We've had arguments about it before and I naively thought that once we were married and started talking about having children he would get better and not want to play games anymore, it has actually become worse. We've been together for 3 years, married for 4 months. Last year he was finishing a master's degree online, I was planning a wedding. We both had things going on and so I felt as if the gaming was becoming less of an issue.
I understand that people need to have hobbies and stress relief, but on the whole I really hate online gaming. When I bring this up he argues that I surf the web or watch TV or movies, but it isn't the same. I can put away the internet page or pause the show and it will be there when I get back. He plays a game that involves other players and is played in real time. It makes it incredible difficult to communicate with him. He plays on his computer at least two hours every weeknight, on the weekends he plays for at least 3-4 hours each day, total around 16 hours a week minimum, 30-40 hours maximum. Why can't he have a hobby that gets him in shape or that we both do together? I just don't understand why he wants to live in a fantasy virtual world rather than in a real one with me?
When he isn't sitting at his computer he has his phone or tablet out playing another game. He does this while washing dishes or cooking, when we go to Home Depot or grocery shopping. I can't stand it. He isn't a bad man, we both work full time and we love each other but this will be the end of us if he doesn't stop. He has tried in the past to cut back, but only after blowout fights, and even then it's back to the same old same after a couple weeks. I don't think he is a person that is able to play in moderation.
I am 34 and want to start trying for a baby later this year, however I cannot and will not bring a child into a home where I am bitter, resentful and have to be the mother to an adult child and an actual child. I think he is addicted but he doesn't see it that way. I think he would be open to getting help but not without me pushing him. I shouldn't have to do this, I shouldn't have to beg him to spend time with me. He wants a family too but this is tearing us apart. It's also wearing on our sex life, I don't feel attraction to him anymore, all I can see is him hunched over the keyboard with that stupid look on his face getting angry over imaginary nonsense!
People can change if they want to, but he only wants to when I get upset with him. I want him to see what this is doing to us and fix it. How would you handle this? How do I approach him without him getting defensive? When should I just throw in the towel if he doesn't stop? He has to stop, full-stop or nothing else, it's the only thing I can accept. Is this unreasonable?
Thanks to anyone out there that has advice.