Ready to give up on him

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jh6244
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Ready to give up on him

Hello. I'm not really looking for advice, I just need to vent and, given the nature of the problem, this site seems like a good place to turn. 

I have been with my boyfriend for two years, and he has been addicted to video games the entire time. He games around 45+ hours per week, around 7 hours every day and about 6-8 hours on the weekend days. I see him around three times a month, as he needs "space", and he loves that I understand his needs, as he says. His house is falling to pieces around him - moldy dishes, filth on the floors and bathrooms, animal feces all over the floor for weeks at a time, food sitting in dishes for weeks, his lawn mowed only when the city sends notices, urine in soda bottles because he won't walk away from the computer - all because the second he walks in from work, the first thing he does is go into his study and sit on his computer, and he stays there from around 4pm until 11pm. 

He acknowledges that his addiction is ruining his life, that it is damaging his relationship with the two most important people in his life: his daughter and me. He acknowledges that he gets upset and irritable if he wants to play his games but cannot for whatever reason - work, his daughter is over, him and I have plans. Every time we fight, it's tied to gaming - that I'm tired of not being a priority, that I'm tired of sleeping alone on the two nights a month I sleep over, that I can't ask him to do anything or be a part of my life because it's time that takes away from his gaming (he actually won't even say no, he'll just ignore my request), that I no longer want to sit in filth, not able to cook or even make coffee because his kitchen is buried under garbage that he can't clean up because all he does is game. 

He says that games help him regain the control that he feels he doesn't have in his life, both in his work and in regards to the condition of his house, and when he thinks about anything stressful, he finds comfort in walking back into that study and losing himself in his video games. I should also add that he loves smoking pot. Alot of it. All the time. We'll have plans, and after not responding to my texts, he'll text me at 8pm that after staying up all night gaming, he got really high, ate a bunch of food, and passed out for three hours.....so am I coming over, and can I bring my own food since he isn't hungry, and do we have to do anything, you know, he's still stoned and pretty tired. 

I don't know why I can't cut this guy off. I was sitting in his living room the other night, hadn't seen him in two weeks because he needed his "space", breathing in the fumes of dog urine while he finished his game in the other room (the ten minutes he said he needed became an hour), and just realized that I'm ready to give up, that I had no reason to be there. I don't want to cut him off, but I get nothing, and he gives his games everything. He acknowledges that his addiction turns him into a jerk, but then he just walks into that study and ignores whatever is happening outside of it, even if it is me and he knows he could lose our relationship. 

His game addiction has been going on for ten years now, and I really don't think that I'm the one to break it. I don't think I have that kind of strength or patience. He's even acknowledged that if I vanished, never responding to his texts, just vanished, while he would want to come find me, he'd "really want to", he'd just go into that office, play his games, and hope that I was okay and would get in touch. This is how you treat someone important to you? I don't think so. 

Can anyone else tell me their storeis, so that I don't feel like such a weak sucker? Blaming an addiction only gets me so far before my self-preservation kicks in and I want to walk away and seek therapy for my low self-esteem. I should walk away, I have no connections to this man behind caring for him, I only see him a few times a month. I just love him, and I have loved him since I first saw him two years ago. When things are good, and we're laughing, and enjoying each other, I'm happy. But I have no future with a video-game addicted pothead. It's just makes me sad, knowing this. I left his house this weekend just realizing that I can't be there anymore, I can't watch his life fall apart, I can't endanger my health by sitting in a house that is muggy with dog urine, decomposing food, and filth. 

Just venting. I'm sad about it. I feel like I'll walk away from him and he'll just sit in that front room, year after year, until his house falls apart around him and everyone who cares about him has left. And I think he worries about that as well, but just drowns it out by going into that room.  

 

Polga
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Welcome ! Thanks for sharing

Welcome ! Thanks for sharing you story. He sounds like an addict and that means we cannot expect them to 'act normal'. Their priority and drug of choice is the game. The loved ones are second best.

There are hundreds of stories similar to yours already on this forum if you want to take a look and feel you are not alone in this.

He will only want to change when he reaches his rock bottom.

For more information click the SO's link in my signature to learn more about this addiction and look after you.

Leaving him will be a solution if that is what your gut is telling you. Nobody would blame you for doing that.

It is so sad to see them fail. i hear the sadness in your post. We can find peace when we finally accept that we cannot help them recover.By stepping away at least they will reach their rock bottom faster and then need to recover, even if it is at the expense of keeping some kind of relationship with them. But there is no such thing as a healthy relationship with an addict.

All the best with your decision

 

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Silvadolla11
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Oh man, you sound a lot like

Oh man, you sound a lot like I do now.. Except I'm married to him with a baby on the way. I cannot tell you how many times "one sec" has turned into 3 hours later or "just one more game of League" turns 5 or 6. I love my husband and won't leave him, but do yourself a favor and walk away before you're too attached. My dh has been addicted for 10 years as well and there have been points where things have slowed only to get worse. Now being the worst it's ever been. He won't talk to me about it as I am just nagging him, relies on me for his most basic needs, neglects me, his work, school, and our roommate that he begged to move in with us (whole other beast). I try to be understanding bc he's in a top end guild so i know it's a time commitment but it's getting in the way of our lives together and our family. I definitely feel for you girl, but like I said, unless he's the one and you're confident in that, then i would leave if i were you.

alienated
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Consider that in a heallthy

Consider that in a heallthy relationship (pre-marriage), neither partner should feel the need to constantly challenge the other partner's behaviour. One should either accept their partner as they are, or leave and find someone more suitable.

If you can't accept this basic premise, look up what "co-dependancy" is and check how much your love for him is really an expression of care? Putting it bluntly. if you accept love as being this, realise you will end up nagging for the rest of your life.  

Also, think about what sort of family you would have with this person as he is now. This guy will NEVER change and probably more suited to being with 2 people - an equivalent gamer girlfriend and a mother who does everything around the house (cook clean etc). Are you either of those people or do you want to pick up the job of being both?

Also, as sure as eggs is eggs, he will wean your babies onto a diet of excessive gaming as soon as he can (because he sees it as something fantastic to do) - It is highly likely that the genes that cause your partner to be at increased risk of intensive gaming will be passed on to your children. These 2 things in combination should ensure repeat pain, but this time with the raising of a family as a new generation of gaming addicts.

This is the thing - Whilst you can't change him, you can replace him........

HotelCalifornia
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Love is Love

I understand you pain and frustration.  I am currently living it now.  My wife is completely engulfed in the games, I too am second best according to her.  She hasn't lost all of the things yet, ie "job, money, car," but her marriage is about to end becasue of her complusive gaming.  I am in recovery for substances, but I am in no way better than her, I just want to change myself as quickly as possible but I also only have so much love and tolerance for her behavior.  Co-dependancy is there for sure, but whatever, I will work on it, love is love.  Only you will know when you have had enough.   You are not alone. 

If you can't stand for something you'll fall for anything.

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