Separated After 11 Years

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Gloryfindel
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Separated After 11 Years

I married my husband 11 years ago but at the time I didn't know he had an addiction. Well yesterday I sat down and told him I wanted to separate because I just couldn't live that way any longer.

The conversation that pushed me to leave went something like this: I asked if he thought gambling can be an addiction and he said no. We got into an argument about that cause he knew where I was going with that line of thought. Well after a bit he made a statement like I've been without energy for over 11 years and now that I'm on the right medicines I will be better.

My husband has serious health issues. He is a type 2 diabetic his A1C was 8 something. And they've put him on trulicity and metformin. I went with him to all the ER visits, I went to the doc appointments trying to understand, and I've given him his shots when he needs help. But he continually tells me I am an unsupportive wife who needs to try way harder.

So he's been "sick, energyless" for over 11 years and that is why he games. Because he couldn't do anything else. After that I just had no words. I realized it was completely useless to even try to talk to him when this is his mindset.

I have 3 daughters ages 4, 6, and 8. My oldest is type 1 diabetic and her care is extensive. I'm a stay home mom who also homeschools. I do every single chore at our house. I mow, I do the trash, I pay all bills, I do dishes, I do laundry, and all the cleaning. The only thing I don't do is cook because honestly I've tried repeatedly and am no good at it at all. He doesn't help me with any of this except to make the occasional meal here and there.

He is a computer program and is very good at his job. But this means he is at a computer all day. When he gets home he instantly sits at his computer. He has apps on his phone that notify him Everytime someone wants to buy something on path of exile. So while he's playing his phone just keeps pinging. His health issues stem from never leaving a computer all day.

When we moved into our new house I tried to kick the computers out of the bedroom but he wouldn't have it. Because he didn't want to be isolated somewhere alone while being on his computer.

I am sad that it came to this point because I did love him so much and fought to make it work. I tried being the biddiable house wife and just support him. I've tried to game with him which while fun didn't help anything. I've tried blowing up at him. I've done the ultimatums. I've done the calm set down and discuss. Nothing works. And I can't in good conscience stick around and have my girls believe that this kind of a relationship is ok.

So here I am at 3am at my parents house on an air mattress beside my oldest daughter so I can monitor her while my two little ones are sleeping in the living room. And as I was telling my husband I'm leaving he said we had to talk things out but one at a time and this first thing we had to talk about was how mean, harsh, and unsupportive I was.

agape
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Joined: 07/25/2019 - 1:23am
I feel your pain

I’ve been dealing with my husband’s gaming addiction for over 13 years. We have 3 kids close to the ages of your children. Same drill. I’m a SAHM who also homeschools and I literally do everything from paying the bills, cooking/cleaning, extracurricular activities for the kiddos. Hubby works from home and is also a Techy. So he’s basically on the computer all day - work, then after hours.

He juggles between his mobile apps and pc games. Doesn’t help out with the kids and his hygiene has completely declined within this past year. I’ve given ultimatums, joined him in playing, had sit downs expressing that I felt lonely, disconnected, and hurt. He would minimize his part in all of this by saying he works all day so he needs to unwind and do what he wants and if I say anything at all, I’m just a controlling, nagging, and overbearing wife. Sigh. 

He admits that he has a problem and recently went cold turkey. He’s on day 6 with heavy withdrawals symptoms of depression, anger, irritability. It’s like walking on eggshells everyday. Idk how else to go about being supportive but to just focus on my mental health so I can be present for the kids. 

I’m really sorry that you’re going through this as well. I hope that by setting some boundaries, he will realize the consequences of losing his family. However, I have left my husband a few times in the past only for him to tell me weeks later of how regretful/sorry/stupid he was and how much he misses me and the kids/how he would change and cut down on the amount of hours spent on playing. Giving him the benefit of the doubt for the 100th time, I let him back in. No more than a few weeks after all of his pleading, he goes right back to it. But here we are again, wondering if it will stick this time around. It’s tough with children involved, but hang in there. Sending u healing and good energy!

be blessed

Polga
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Dear Gloryfindel

Dear Gloryfindel

I am glad you have found us.

It sounds like a huge burden is on your shoulders and that, after 11 years of trying to cope, you feel enough is enough. I sounds like you have done all you can do to try to change the situation, but you realise you have no control over his attitudes and it sounds like he is not listening to you and taking any responsibility.

I hope you find support from friends and family and can plan a way forward to get a better life for you and your children.

This thread talks about ways to find support and about experiences with couples therapy

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/your-partner-gaming-addict-how-get

 

 

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Polga
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Last seen: 21 hours 12 min ago
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
Hi Agape

Hi Agape

A thread for how to act if a partner admits they have a problem and is trying to quit is here:

https://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/about-giving-support-addict-if-they

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

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