Sustaining a gamer boyfriend...

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Nala
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Sustaining a gamer boyfriend...

Hello everyone..

like many, i came here for advice, because i am at loss about what to do...

I met my todays boyfriend online about 4 years ago. While.. well, playing a multiplayer videogame.. I was going through a tough depressive time back then and games always helped me unwind. We played together a lot and became friends online and he was always there for me all the way through the tough time.. we ended up developing feelings for one another.. about two years ago, he worked and gathered up money to move to my country to be with me.

He was going to learn the language and find a job and i was positive about our future together..

It was going alright at first. At start i was just enjoying the time with him and didnt push him into a job search or language. Tho i was encouraging him to start, got him books, etc. He wasnt very enthusiastic about it. Went to some course too, but never did any homehork because he prefers to soend the freetime gaming. 

It was okay for me at first, we were playing together still and i did not feel neglected. Tho overtime as i felt better, my urge to distraction through games faded and i started engaging into other activities. His favourite activity however always remained gaming.

Ideally he wanted to not work but become an online stock trader. So with his budget, he began trading penny stocks, after watching some successful coaches do it. He didnt invest much time into learning it, but managed to make a bit of money, which he later all lost on some unlucky stock.

About half a year after moving he found a job. Things got better, even though he clearly did not feel like actually learning the language and despite visiting a class never did any homework or learned anythig on his own. His entire freetime after work was dedicated to gaming and as i stopped playing with him he found new online buddies. 

I tried to organize other activities for us, like going out for food, movies or concerts, or doing a course for something together. He was never excited when i told him i got us tickets for this or that, but he came of course. I expressed the wish that id like him also to sometimes organise something for us other than gaming, and best he managed was get cinema tickets, but i guess its better than nothing. He was excited to go on vacations though, and we went to spain in summer, which was nice. 

He got fired from his job in september last year because some coworkers got annoyed of him not speaking german. After getting fired he decided to try stocks again. I was ****ed. but i decided to just not say anything and let him do what he wants. He did. The situation repeated where he eventually ended up loosing all his money. 

Before loosing all his remaining money though, he spent 1,5 k savings on a new gaming computer. He justified the purchase saying that "he didnt buy anything for himself the whole year otherwise", which is kind of true.

So now since december last year, entirely moneyless, he began looking for jobs again, while i was paying the bills and food. He claimed he was also looking for random delivery and cleaning jobs, yet months passed and up untill april he didnt have a single reply. He decided to make effort learning some language this time around though, with a programm. so his day looked as followes: he got up at about 2-3pm, he scrolled through some job listings and sent a couple, after which he did language for perhaps an hour or two. after which he played videogames from about 6-7pm till about 4-5 am. rinse and repeat.

To save my nerves i remained quiet through most of it. He was doing something, at least, i told myself. 

Lately i put my nerves together to talk to him and told him that if he cant get his financial situation in order then hell have to go back to his parents. It would be easier for me to cope and support him if i would see him trying or learning, but all i see is videogames for 15 hours a day. After these talks he was devastated, stoped learning whatsoever and got all defensive how i am not supportive enough and how i dont play games with him anymore and how he doesnt want drama and how language will "come over time" and how im exagerating..

Sorry for this long long text, i dont know what to do.. I still care about him but i cant see any future like this.. Is it right to kick him out? Or am i exagerating....

 

Polga
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Welcome Nala; without your

Welcome Nala; without your support he could not carry on in this gaming lifestyle. Things are too easy for him to continue doing minimal stuff while you pay the bills.  It's not good for him and not good for your relationship ... it's not a healthy relationship because he is dependant on you.

Of course he will try to make you feel bad for refusing to go along with it any longer.

If it's your home , it's your rules about what goes on.

I don't know if it's addiction or just him being lazy or socially awkward in another country, but I think you know whatever it is, this cannot continue as it is if you are to be happy. It's important your life is going in the right direction for you.

15 hours gaming a day is not normal; there can be no  reasonable normal excuse as to why anybody would have such an unbalanced life.

 

 

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

Nala
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Last seen: 1 year 6 months ago
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Joined: 05/15/2018 - 3:21am
Thank you for your reply,

Thank you for your reply, Polga :)

I know it is not healthy for either of us... But i have been waiting for things to improve for so long.. It feels strange to quit now... I am still waiting for him to start showing more initiative.. Maybe im just stupid for doing so? :/

Polga
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Last seen: 11 hours 46 min ago
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Joined: 02/17/2014 - 11:33am
No; it's natural to go with

No; it's natural to go with the flow ... but now you are more aware. You are not stupid. You are a generous person.

This thread below  may help you understand more about what has been going on ... now you can make some changes to see if he wakes up when you do them

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/about-enabling-spousessos-addicted

There are also other threads about boundaries etc in the link for  spouses and significant others in my signature below

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

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