Hello, This will be my first post though I've been lurking the forums for a while. Apologies because I know this will be long, but I need to get it out there, and feedback would be appreciated though i'm not sure if there realy could be any.
My husband and I have been together for 8 years; married the last 3. The first 5 years were amazing, we argued constructivly, went out and tried new things, relaxed and just enjoyed each others company. We were balanced, he was always goal oriented and I was more of a relax be happy type. While we were together I was growing as a person learning to look to the future, and he was learning to be happy in the "now". Our combined personalites, and strenghts and weaknesses we felt like we could conquer the world lol.
Shortly before we got married FFXIV came out. I'd never been a gamer but he was an avid FF fan. He'd play the game and I'd watch, it was interesting it looked fun. He started raiding, and I would join in on their voice conversations. Shortly after the honeymoon I joined the game and starting playing with him. Looking back that was a huge mistake, we both became addicted. We still made time for each other outside of the game, we'd have date nights, make sure to log off early enough to eat/talk/and watch TV a bit before bed. Nearly 2 years go by, alot of our "friends" left, and he got tired of the revolving grind for nothing. He started playing FF less, and started playing Second Life again. About a week after he had quit FFXIV for good I also quit, it just wasn't the same game without him. But at this point neither of us realy knew how to have fun in reality. I'll forever regret what happened next.
At this point I didn't mind him playing SL, he has a stressfull job (we both do). I wasn't going to be that "nagging wife" who wouldn't let her husband play a game (we both did it for years).. But he started talking to me less and less despite the fact I'd try to initiate conversations, talk to him about how he was doing, ect... he stopped logging off early enough for us to spend time together before bed, and it continued to get worse. It got to the point that he'd be on voice talking to them animatedly about everything I tried to be there for him about. (By now months had passed like this) He'd watch movies with them, joke with them.... I'd force him (I didn't see it as force at the time) on dates with me, and he'd stare blankly, completely non-responcive but as soon as we got home he was back online and smiling and laughing and joking.... Then I noticed that even though he had a few friends, there was one (isn't there always) that seemed to be a little too important. I lightly touched the subject, and he let me know they were just friends and there was nothing to worry about. Roughly 2 weeks ago, I noticed they were married in game. I wasn't going to be blown off, it was time to get everyting out... (cut to end of convo) This time, I gave him a choice her or me. If she was just a friend he has plenty, I wasn't asking him to give up his only coping method yet (SL). And he finaly admitted that he loved her, and stated that she had been there for him when I wasn't. I was devastated, up to that point I truly (stupidly I admit) beleived it was all innocent.
He left, and a week later he calls me. Tells me he doesn't know how to be happy because it's been so long, but I was right, that he isolated himself in the game a long time ago and never gave me a chance, but instead went to her. That he couldn't be happy trying to live 2 lives, so he's decided to come back to his real one. He sold his account, and came home. I was happy.... this was 3 days ago. Now, hes lost, and says he doesnt know if "us" will ever work again. He doesnt know how to be happy or that we'll ever be happy, or that it's worth the effort. He claims he thinks he's wasting mylife because he's uncertian if we're good for each other. I do my best to reassure him, that with time and effort we can be us again, perhaps better. Afterall we have new dreams. That I understand that his feelings for her were real, I'm here for him, and doing my best to show him we can be happy. But it still feels like he's keeping a wall up like he doesn't want us to recover. I'm working so hard and still getting muted responces. I'm terrified he's going to leave again, I feel like I'm working so hard, and I'm so tired, because he should beleive it's worth it, but everything is so uncertian to him, he's not trying just constantly saying "i'm not sure i'll ever be happy, and I should prob let you move on with your life" I need him to TRY. I've managed to convince him to go to counsoling with me, we both need it. I haven't found a counsoler yet, but here is hoping....