We must take care of ourselves!

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HotelCalifornia
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We must take care of ourselves!

My S.O.  plays XBOX Live, multiplayer gaming 70 hours a week.  It's insane. It has become a big problem in our relationship.  I also grew up with an Alcoholic Father and Mother.  I learned different coping mechanisms and defense to help shield myself from what was going on in my childhood.  Our qualifier could be our S.O., wife, brother, sister, husband to why we are searching for answers on this forum yet, as many of you, I cannot.  I see alot of people are in pain becasue the people that we love are ignoring the hell out of us and we can't stop it.  

Most recently, I have been going to Alanon Meetings in my area.  I tried going to beginner meetings and so far they are working.  Please know, that these Alanon Meetings are about taking care of yourself, understanding that you cannot stop this addiction and  how you can cope.  Please understand,  We did not Cause the addiction, we cannot Cure it and we certainly cannot Control it.  Maybe my S.O.  used the games as a coping mechanism as I traveled with my job.  I was on the road ALOT!  I could have done things differently in hindsight.  But, I am plagued by the "isms" of Alcoholism and Addiction.  I am only discovering this now, which makes me incredibly sad.  

 

I spoke up today in an Alanon meeting about my qualifier for S.O.  and it helped.  .  Alanon for me, really helps me to look at myself so I don't go completely nuts in my life.  Try looking up Alanon Pod Casts too, these pod casts helped me to gather the courage to walk into these meetings to get help. 

If you can't stand for something you'll fall for anything.

Polga
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Thanks for sharing about your

Thanks for sharing about your positive experiences with Al-anon. I'm glad they are helping you. Let us know how they go; it's really good feedback for other spouse to know that is is helpful.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

lipton
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What a big step to go to a

What a big step to go to a meeting and speak up.  I don't quite understand what the term qualifier means? (I do not know much about 12 step programs).  I do recognize the familiar feeling of trying to figure out what you have done to contribute to the current situation.  However, even if you traveled a lot, that is not the reason somebody would develop a 70 hour compulsion to game.  Of course nobody is perfect, but in an relationship without addictions any issues caused my the travelling and how you handled it would have been addressed in a healthy way.  

The inability to control our SO's addiction is what I find the most difficult to accept.  I feel like somehow if I could handle things perfectly or say the right things or behave in the right way he would suddenly see what he has done/is doing and feel remorseful.  I know in my head, as you said, that I can't control somebody else's addiction, but this naive belief is my own beast to fight until I can truly believe that I can't make him wake up. (I have given up on that, but still there is part of me that feels that I have failed.) 

Keep sharing your insights from the meetings.  It helps us all even if we don't respond. 

Lipton

Calla
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Detachment with love

I, too, go to Al-Anon and it has helped me with my alcoholic qualifiers.  I'm having trouble speaking up about my husband's gaming addiction (mostly computer games, 18 hours a day) because so many people don't recognize excessive gaming as an addiction and scoff at me for insisting it is.

I think so far the most valuable teaching is to "detach with love". If he stays up until 4am playing games and can't wake up for appointments in the morning, I have learned NOT to get on his case all night because I don't need to lose sleep too! And if he can't manage to find time to shower in a few days, he can sleep on the couch. Stopping protecting him from consequences of his actions has helped him realize that he has a real problem. He is currently struggling to fully stop playing. And I'm proud of the progress he has made, even if it is only for a few hours. I think I've reached a point of finding as much positivityin little victories. 

 We are still struggling with a lot. But I am trying to find a balance between patience with him and his adfiction, and me taking care of myself. Some days are better than others, but I think that's just the nature of things. 

Polga
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Hi Calla

Hi Calla

We have had good feedback from spouses about alanon. Some of it is in this member's only thread:

http://www.olganon.org/forum/discussion-spousessignificant-others-olg-anon-members-only/your-partner-gaming-addict-how-get

I am sorry that the people in your alanon group do not relate to gaming as a true addiction and belittle your needs. That is unfortunate. I do not think that is true for all groups, but I have heard of it occuring. In the thread above there is a link to a post that warns about the exact same thing happening to another member in alanon, so we suggest that a spouse finds a group they are comfortable with. Give it 2 or 3 sessions and see.  If alanon does not work, some people say that nar-anon is more welcoming.  There are other 12 step groups such as CODA and celebrate recovery.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

HotelCalifornia
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Digital Addiction coined by Caron Foundation

I called the Caron Foundation to gather some suggestions regarding rehabs or outpatient help.    The Caron Foundation coins the addictive affliction  as,"Digital Addiction."   Do your own research and check it out.  There is also another rehab- called ReStart.   The Caron Foundation informed me that there is an increase of people being admitted into these rehabs because of on line/ multiplayer internet gaming. 

Lipton- you are amazing!  Thank you for sharing regarding your current situation, you seem to be doing all of the right things.  It's hard to take care of ourselves when we are constantly thinking and praying for our loved one's to See the light and get better.  I think if we continue to share about our struggles about  our SO,/ family  at these meetings maybe we will be able to help someone else.  These meetings are about helping you!  Don't worry about what other people think. 

Godspeed! 

If you can't stand for something you'll fall for anything.

Polga
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Lipton in answer to your

Lipton in answer to your question i got this off the net :

" If you are a friend or family of an alcoholic/addict it "qualifies" you to join Alanon.
In this case "qualifies" means you are "eligible"..

So, whomever the person is in your life that has an addiction is your qualifier"

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

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