What do I do next? for my husband's sake?

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MonsterNa
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What do I do next? for my husband's sake?

So I chose after a long and hard two weeks of reading, praying and seeking counsel, to go back to my hometown. (My husband is military and stationed elswhere)

My husband and I have been married for 3 1/2 years and finally, two weeks ago, I decided that enough is enough and became more independent and detached from how I would normally react, I told him "I'm not competing with your games anymore" and that was that. He seemed to be caring and understanding and for about 3 days he seemed to be on the right track. Until he regressed and tried to make me feel bad that I didn't appreciate his on day of no gaming entirely. So after another few days, I decided to go home, Especially because I am pregnant with our first child.
 I packed up early in the morning and booked a flight for home, I left him a letter explaining my intolerance for the behavior anymore, how he's made me feel and that I cannot make him change, but if he wants me to come home he has to rid of the games for good and seek counseling.

since I've left I have not responded to any of his texts, those that have been so filled with denial and blame.
He thinks I've gone completely "bananas" and that i should have stayed and talked about my feelings and gave him a warning before I do something so irrational, I've wasted HIS money and he just doesn't understand why i would do something so unfair.

He believes he's been more than fair to me from the last two weeks by not playing for an ENTIRE day just to be with me. 

Two weeks ago I decided to be more independent and to stop doing things for him, stop talking about my feelings, and engaging with him as I usually would do. He believes I haven't been considerate of his feelings because I never asked him to get off his game and therefore made him feel unwanted.

after many texts of blame he sent a hate message to my mother, convinced that she is to blame and that she bullied me and selfishly just wants me home so she has be and the grand baby around (totally untrue)
He's messaged a mutual friend in complete shock about why I am so irrational and trying to control his life.

and just about an hour ago he's messaged 
"please just come home, I miss you, please talk to me, I'll do whatever it takes."

and I still just don't think it's time to reply, it's been 24hours and I just don't know what to say or do. Or when is the right time to say anything because he is in such a state of denial, trying any means of manipulation to get things back to the way they were (me feeling bad and apologizing for being overdramatic)

But I still find myself missing him, sleeping next to him, being in my own home. My heart feels so heavy and I'm accepting my grievance of this separation, but I just don't know what to do now.
I want this all to be over now, i want him to recognize his addiction and be willing to get help, but I know he's still convinced I'm trying to make him change himself. his lifestyle, etc.

but he has no other life than games and of what the military demands of him.
even during social evenings with friends he is hoping to make gaming friends to play with in his downtime, or playing games on his phone at dinners, talking only about games, wasting weekends to play "free open betas"

I'm so done with this routine, but I still pine for him. 

i know I need to expect a long time before anything really truly gets better, but i feel so helpless and I'm just wanting it to all be over.

what do I do now?

Polga
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This is the kind of reaction

This is the kind of reaction you would expect from someone who has had a massive shock. He is hurting and confused. The addiction makes him feel that he has done nothing wrong and the manipulations and vitriol are another part of that. Change brings pain  But rightly, you have left for the right reasons for you.

This wave of emotion will pass.

Because you are not with him and have given him an ultimatum about his gaming, he will look to see if he is prepared to quit gaming. So you are helping him to quit which is good, even though he doen't see it that way.

If he doesn't quit , and you relent your stance, it is likely that things will go back the way they were.

So if you want a different life with him, you have to wait until he has some solid recovery under his belt. Many spouses will try to give up games, or "say" they will try, but find it hard to follow through after they get back what they have lost.( ie the couple is reunited)

You need to look after you first and foremost, only he can do the work for recovery. I would recommend you attend Al-anon or Nar-anon meetings so you can be with other loved ones of addicts and learn about addiction and self care. And/or find yourself a counsellor who has experience of addiction as part of their skills, so that you can talk about the life you want and what is good for you. Do not go with someone who always wants to suggest what you do to help your husband (except where it is incidental).The sessions should be all about helping you and your baby find a better life and for you to decide your best path. Get as much support for you as you can.

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

MonsterNa
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When is it appropriate to talk to my husband again?

I haven't talked to my husband in over 4 days, 
It's really starting to get to me because I just want to talk to him. 

He's in the "Ill do whatever it takes" stage
He's listed his PC on craigslist to be sold, and bought himself a book on "the science of happiness"
but I know he's still in denial.
In the only reply I sent him, it was a link to olganon's "self assessment" test. his reply (last night) was "what am I supposed to do with this? should I answer the questions and tell you my answers?" 
today he hasn't made any message of it, or reference to it, he's posted a couple of meme's to me about how he misses me, 
telling me he's watching our favorite show (adventure time) and how it makes him sad and he wishes I were there to watch it with him.

I got a job now, 
i have a counselor I'm going to see on friday, and a al anon I'm going to tomorrow.

But I feel in a state of "what can I do right now? I just want to talk to my husband?"

It's silly, but 4 days has been so long for me, and I am feeling so sad.

Polga
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Why

 

What is holding you back from talking to him?

It is appropriate anytime you feel it is the right thing to do

 

INFO

Parent's online meeting THURSDAY 9pmEST/EDT click here

Online meetings gaming addicts click here

Spouses/SO's of addicts click here

Parents of addicts click here for advice

Help for video game addicts click here

Please help! Donate here

MonsterNa
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Joined: 06/18/2016 - 11:11pm
I don't want anything I say

I don't want anything I say to be enabling, or reassuring that the games won't have to be gone forever.

he hasn't seemed to have moved into taking me serious, he's convinced that his next pay check will being paying for me to come home.

hes waiting for my normal response (usually apologizing for my behavior and consoling him that I love him and maybe we can work something out)

i feel as though ANYTHING I say now could be taken as a reassurance to him so that he can just play games until I "calm down".

i don't want to give him help unless he wants it, but he doesn't. He's playing dumb so I will talk to him, he makes excuses as to why he doesn't have a problem, and I've done enough explaining as to what it makes me feel and what has to be done.

 

i don't know what I should be saying to him at this point..

Pelson
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Hallo MonsterNa,

Hallo MonsterNa,

Like you I am a recent member of OLG-Ano, with my son having a serious gaming problem. It has been extremely helpful to regularly visit this site to hear of and learn from other's experiences. One of the things I have struggled with most is the feeling of being so alone in this. Coming here has helped alleviate that.

In my quest for more knowledge I came across this report: 
www.rand.org/content/dam/rand/pubs/research_reports/RR800/.../RAND_RR849.pdf. It is a review of 'Problematic Internet Use, with recommendations for the US Airforce'.

Noting that your husband is in 'the military', and noting also your pain and sense of aloneness, there may be something here that might help carry you through this devastatingly difficult time. And as Polga said, we have to attempt to work very, very hard at trying to rekindle our own sense of self worth and awesomeness. Your baby deserves that too.

I wish you strength and resoluteness.

"Try to be impeccable, with words"

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